Request for n00b dating advice: approaching a very shy girl

Post Reply New Topic

Seriously, unless you have her directly telling you she likes you, you can't assume it. She might even get panicky and strongly reinforce that she just sees you as a friend, and then you have to follow that boundary. Have you even asked her out? Communicating becomes much easier one on one, but it can become difficult when one person is interested in the other. She might just be interested in being friends.

In which case, don't dwell for there are many more fish in the sea, in metaphor. It is good to have a friend and appreciate them as such. And who knows what is actually going through their mind, just don't count on it and try to be open about what you are feeling.

Also, anyone used datemyschool? Apparently they want to give me free access.

If she's awkward in a social setting (e.g. shy) then fall back to what we used to do in grade school (at least some of us as depicted by the movies) and pass her a note. But since you're a bit more mature than grade school, get her a card.

If she doesn't know who you are, let her know in the card who you are. It'll give her a heads up that someone "likes" her without getting all up and personal in trying to figure out who she is online (e.g. stalking) and friending her on FB. It'll also give you an opener the next time you see her (she won't be shocked/perplexed/surprised when you talk to her) and you can start with "did you like my card?" which also allows her to say "no".

If it works out, it would be a good memento 10/20 years down the road as my NT girls seem to cherish little things like that, go figure.

No – that's the point. At the moment, we are both too socially awkward to talk to each other; under these circumstances, I think asking her out on a date would be a bad idea.

If she is not interested, then that's OK because I can't do anything about it. But I don't want this to fail because I don't manage to approach her.

Just making friends with her isn't working because she doesn't reciprocate enough – neither to me nor to others. She really seems like she wants to, but she can't; this is a problem I know very well. So independently of the kind of relationship that this may result into, I won't achieve anything if I don't approach her more explicitly.


What kind of card are you talking about? It seems like a good idea, but I've never heard about that before.

The answer is "it depends". There are cards for all occasions, for example if you see that she's had a rough day, a sympathy card would be suitable. If you saw that she did something nice, a thank you card would be fine. Heck, even a post-card would be good if there was a place that you thought she was interested in. There are even appreciation cards which can be tailored to showcase her talent / efforts (in music in this case)

The card is simply the ice breaker or prop that you're going to use later to start a conversation. If all else fails, get a blank card (with an appropriately pretty picture) and say something like "Hi Fellow Celloist, I just wanted to say hello and tell you how much I enjoy having you in our orchestra. You're playing is something I look forward to hearing when I come in." and leave it at that. Sometimes less is more and putting too much can be confusing.

OK, I've had some time to develop a "strategy": I will show interest by asking her about how she spent the holidays. This topic should provide enough material for 10 to 20 minutes, and in case her relationship status is not what I expect, I will learn it then.

But what's next? I'm not exactly good at sending "hints", and she is probably not good at getting them. Does this mean I have to be more explicit about my intentions? I still don't think a classical (i.e., American-style) date is going to be a good idea; in fact, real-world activities don't seem to be such a good idea in general with such a high level of mutual awkwardness.

Is it appropriate to just directly ask if she uses any social networks? And if I do that, what will she think I'm aiming at?

have you tried complimenting her or just saying outright "hey I kinda like you we should hang out sometime, I is can haz numberz?"

What are your intentions? I mean, last time you said you didn't want to have a relationship with her, just to get to know her, but now you do? Or did I misinterpret something?

I've found that in these cases extreme honesty is a good bet. Hey, I am awkward, and it seems that you are too, but I just wanted to tell you that I am interested into getting to know you better to see how we get along, so do you want to meet and just talk sometimes?

Also, be more vulnerable and listen to your emotions sometime, or at least try it, logic does not always work.

Well, I do know what asking for someone's phone number means (http://youtu.be/80i58nEykos?t=39s). My question is if asking for someone's social network contact information implies the same thing.


I want to get to know her, without a predetermined outcome. But by exchanging a few awkward words every week, that's not going to work. So independent of the kind of relationship that this may or may not result into, I think I have to do more than what I would do in order to get to know someone on a strictly platonic basis. That's one ugly sentence.


This, again, sounded good until I translated it to German and noticed I won't be able to say it... Besides, I have no idea where to meet and what to talk about.


I know that's my problem. But emotions are so unreliable...

Hallo. Ich weiß nicht wie kann ich es sagen, es ist schwer für mich mit anderer Leute zu sprechen, ich sehe dass es ist schwer auch für dich. Dass ist aber sehr interessant für mich, und ich will dich/dir besser kennenlernen, willst du irgendwann Kafee trinken so dass wir miteinander reden kann?

Eh, I know my German sucks ass and you can probably pick a lot of mistakes there, but that didn't sound *so* bad. On the other hand it must not necessarily be coffee, how good are you in one to one conversations? Because even if she does get a coffee or whatever with you, if you spend half an hour sipping your drink and looking at each other without saying anything, well, that would be bad lol.

And you could probably use some unreliability. Or unpredictability. I mean, all the times you've talked with her so far you have probably used logic, and it hasn't been that helpful, and you can probably predict a future where it still doesn't give you the results you want (connecting with another person who might have several similarities with you, with whom it is possible you could get along?) But letting emotions out, well, it throws a random element out there, and perhaps it can act in your favor? Or not, it can be a gamble, at least until you get the hang of it. Perhaps emotions are not intrinsically unreliable, perhaps you are unexperienced at listening to them and interpreting them. Although this last part is more of a long term thing to take into account.

Also, Magic Rosin does international shipping, and you they have plenty of designs to choose from. A nice simple gift for a string player. I am a cellist and I like the Ultra version.

Our past conversations have been like this:
(1) 5 minutes of awkward silence
(2) I come up with an idea and say something
(3) she responds
(4) back to step 1

Moving things online probably won't make a difference here. On the other hand, given enough time, maybe we can actually have some sort of conversation that way.


I don't think that's bad, but it's not going to happen. Realistically speaking, I would probably look at the floor.

What I don't like about having a date in a restaurant/café/etc.: those places are arranged so that you focus on talking to each other. This may be good for the majority of people, but for me, it only increases the awkwardness. I'm looking for a setting that involves a shared activity and thereby relieves the pressure.

Like, in summer, you can rent a rowing boat on the lake in the park; I've done that with friends before, and it's really nice. Alas, it's not summer. Are there any other "typical" solutions for less awkward dates?


Well... I think it's because my emotional wishes have been dashed so many times that don't even consider them in the first place any more.

Excuse my drop-by-drop posting, but this has come to my mind just right now.

Would it be appropriate to invite her to my place for playing some music together?

On the one hand, I know there's a safety rule for girls that if you don't know a guy well, you should only meet in public.

On the other hand, it's not like I'm a stranger. While we haven't successfully talked so much to each other, we've now been playing in the same orchestra for 3 months, and I think I really don't look like I want to do harm to anyone.

In fact, I've done this before – yes, with a girl, but that time, I was more interested in the music than in getting to know her. So what do you think?

Alternatively, there's also a piano in the university where we could meet. But that would maybe be too impersonal.

Sorry for the delay

Appropriate? I don't know, is it? I don't know Germany well enough to say whether it is normal to invite someone else from the opposite sex to play an instrument. Or "let's make some music together!" sorry I couldn't resist

I like the idea of the piano in the university. If it is just the two of you, it will still be more personal than anything you've done so far.

Also... I must say that what you're trying to accomplish is hard. I can't guarantee I would succeed if I found myself in a similar position.

A little update seems due... Last week, we had a back-and-forth conversation for the first time. That is, she said something to me which was not a reaction to what I said before. Plus, she smiled.

This week, I'm afraid I was too busy to really talk to her. Plus, now that there is a non-zero chance that it might work, I'm getting scared. I'm so much used to being a hopeless nerd – it's not "supposed" to work!

Maybe I have watched too much House, but I have this problem that "I don't want to be happy" – not sure why.

Long time, no update...

So, I've used a music-related conversation starter and sent her an e-mail. She responded and I've sent a second message. So far, we're only talking about very "harmless" orchestra-related stuff, but I already notice that it's much more easier than talking in person – for both of us.

If that's what works for the two of you~ I find it easier to express myself in writing sometimes too.