The Cure for Nice Guy Syndrome

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The solution is simply to look at others as adversaries and people to be manipulated and used for your own needs.

Believe it or not, it works.

You'll feel like s**t inside but it works.

That isn't the solution; it is the disease.

oh blerrgh, you're supposed to burn the ones like that. But that's what I'd been thinking, too, cubedemon -- your argument's not with the country, it's with the century. Try Yoshe Kalb. By the other Singer, IJ. You'll see how well your model works.

Will you please elaborate further if you don't mind? You could be right.

There is no such thing as "nice guy syndrome". If you consider yourself the "nice guy that never gets the girl because he is not nice" and that "only the jerks get the nicest girls", you are not a nice guy, you are a jerk with a lousy scheme that doesn't work. This is the impression I get whenever I talk to men claiming to suffer from that. Don't get me wrong, my patented combination of fear of emotional vulnerability and outspoken ignorance about other people's interests (and the fact that my narrowly focused interests involve things that are rather boring to talk about outside of a professional environment) are no "can opener" either, but I have stopped caring, and I am nice to everyone in a casual context - simply by assuming that no one cares about me, just as I honestly don't care about most people anymore (it happens sooooo rarely that I am honestly interested in a women that I might as well not bother at all). This might be dishonest niceness, but at least it has no coercive meaning. Women are not vending machines where you put in "nice guy" and sex falls out. If "Being the nice guy" that always gets "friendzoned", consider this: the only constant in this equation is you, so it can either be about a conception each individual person has of you independedly from each other, or it is a problem about your attitude.
This isn't directed at a certain person here, read "you" as "one". Just my oppinion about the issue.

or just have a w*k and then do all those other things, too. or don't cut out sex with other people at all, but simply find a way to balance sex/relationships with other aspects of your life by dividing up the time you spend on different activities in a balanced way. removing sex from the picture altogether isn't healthy or realistic for most guys--or most women, for that matter. the problem is not sex itself; the problem is the feeling of entitlement to sex with women that "nice guys" often espouse.

I find that people who don't believe that to be true want to stick their heads in the sand regarding and unforntunate truth, being that we don't really love people, we love what people could do for us. The nice guy is exposed to that truth much sooner than others, whom would have something to gain by preserving the illusion that nice guys don't finish last. I think they both know the sad and unfortunate truth about this world, but only one of these stands to gain smething by living in the illusion, that being the people with power.

If i had certain things that would benefit me by preserving the illusion, then sure, I'd like to believe the opposite as well, but years of approaching women outside the context of power has taught me one specific thing, which is both terrible and liberating. They say the truth will set you free and it has for me, I never stopped approaching women, but I also never had power. I don't have any female friends, why? Because I have no power, the only thing that I have left is my goodness, the last and only thing that's left of me.

People should be loved because they are humans,not because they are useful or powerful creatures, but because they are good. If we love good people, then the love stays when the power is gone, because a good nature is inherent -- goodness doesn't care about circumstance. This is a lesson that old age teaches everyone, a womens beauty will fade, a mans muscles will erode -- if either of these were loved because of the power they once had, then the love will go away as soon as those things vanish.

This is the sad truth that most people will have to face, most don't want to see it, they're hoping to preserve some of the illusion, but no matter how long it takes, the truth will be revealed. A love based on power simply has no retention -- the nice guy is the first to see this right from the start, for others it takes a bit of time, a few cracks on the face, a few hits to the wallet -- it's all going to come pouring out in the end.

To those of you who have things, such as a spouse, or plenty of friends, do a little experiment, lose your power, lose you money, gain some weight, lose your confidence -- withhold sex from your partner (this is the killer for most women) -- get rid of all the powerful things, you'll see the truth then, which is a dismal and sad thing... it's in that sort of desolation that you really have to look inside yourself to hold on to something that is much better than power, something that's preserved even in an old age and beyond. This is why the nice guy should NEVER change, he has something thats much better than what this world loves, his content comes from his love of goodness, and even though he'll always be a loser in this world, he is a winner in the one place that really mattered.

Maybe I am being a bit to extreme with not have sex before marriage thing I don't know. I will definitely agree with having that w*k. The very least of what I think ought to happen is for these nice guys to learn to prioritize their desires and their needs. From my experience, sex and romantic relationships should be the last on one's totem pole.

Look at some of the guys here. They're so worried about trying to score and so obsessed with it that they're forgetting about other prioritizes. I think one of the first things they need to do and learn is personal hygiene. They need to be able to keep their personal surroundings and clothing clean as well. We don't have to wear the latest fashion or anything but as long as we're clean and our clothes are clean we're good to go.

Second, one needs to be to support himself and if possible be able to save up whether it is through a job, owning a business or anything else that is legal.

Third, one needs to be able to develop hobbies and learn to bring meaning to his life and have fun. Go out and have fun.

Fourth, one needs to be able to know thyself and be true to it without harming others. Don't give up one's values, desires and likes just to get laid.

Fifth, try to develop a healthy diet and eating regiment, get 7-9 hours of sleep and exercise for your own health.

Sixth, learn to develop what qualities one desires in a woman or if he is a homosexual the person of the same sex. Go to places where the woman with the attributes you desire will more likely be. If one wants an intelligent woman and one loves chess maybe one could join a chess club first to have fun and if he meets the woman of his dreams well then good and if not at least he gets to have fun playing chess and be able to have fun with other people as well.

It's sort of like pursuing happiness. Pursuing happiness is a paradox. If one pursues happiness directly then more than likely he will never find it and if one does not and pursues the things that bring happiness more than likely one will find it.

Wow, holy crap!! ! Did I just write all of this? How in the heck did I even come up with this? I wish I had the wisdom and knowledge to do this when I was 18,19 and in my 20s. Honestly, I do admit I do need to exercise myself and eat a better diet than I do. I am taking walks though and eating more veggies.

When I look at all of these nice guys including some of the aspie nice guys on here who complain they never get laid I really see the whole picture. Why didn't I see this when I was younger myself?

I'm going to put in a vote for the low testosterone thing.

I know of one "aspie" who has far too much of the hormone, and can get whatever woman he wants.

I would sort out the testing and balancing of this before trying to force a change on your behaviour which probably won't work.

human nature?

i could say this about many things i wish i had known when i was younger. unfortunately for the young, wisdom comes from experience and experience accumulates with time. no way around that one. on the other hand, if we were born already knowing everything we need to know, life would be exceptionally boring.

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Last edited by hale_bopp on 12 May 2014, 7:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The technical "urban" phrase for them is "Omega Male".

...and then you contribute to the problem and in effect maintain the problem.

The Nice Guy is a passive-aggressive, self-obsessed, entitled manchild. He makes what he thinks is a positive characteristic from his inability to get the ladies/life he wants, supposing that he doesn't get them.it because he's just too nice rather than that he's, well, as described. The Nice Guy does not love goodness, ffs. What he loves is his own abasement and martyrdom - things he himself brings about, because without them he might have to face up to the fact he's kind of a dickhead - and the idea that few else but him have noticed people/society can be kind of hypocritical.

My Grandad was a nice guy. Not a Nice Guy, mind. He would never have called himself 'nice' - that was for him to try and be, as we all must, and others to decide so. He was a mensch (I do find it a handy term to pitch against the self-pitying vacuity of the Nice Guy). He was dependable, friendly, caring, truthful, patient and plain good. He was well-liked and respected, by men and women. He held little economic or social power. Working class all his life, though of the post-war generation where working in/up the same company all your working life, and a good (though not great) wage and pension were more common than now, and a saver. He wouldn't piss and moan about being 'nice', any more than he'd squirm in his seat and fidget that he was boooorrrrreeedd. He was, in short, a grown up.

Speaking as someone who's spent his life minimally paid/on benefits, overweight, unsociable etc, I have never found any of these a particular problem with women. What has been a problem was my being a psychological car-wreck. Because stuff like that tends to get in the way of anything, let alone maintaining a romantic relationship. I have lost people as they have sought to maintain their own emotional health - precisely because they cared about me. But none of it stopped a woman from being interested in me.

And why oh why would anyone want to withhold sex from their partner? I don't mean have problems with sex, but I mean deliberately withhold sex, presuming up until then you'd had a good sex life? That itself is one definition of a problem with a relationship. There's some very puritan thinking about sex in all this, an idea that it is something that can somehow sully an otherwise 'pure' relationship.

So, options:

i) You're right. I mean, you're not, but let's put it as an option.

ii) You are compelled to go for women who do want this power stuff, completely ignoring those who don't.

iii) You're right locally. Which is to say, it's your screwy country/culture, with its awful gender/interpersonal relations.

iv) There's some thing(s) about you that puts people off, that you take to be your lack of 'power'. If anything, it's likely this obsession with not having any 'power'.

v) People just don't like you. Who knows why, but they don't. They wouldn't like you if you had power, though some may have to kiss your arse, and a few vacuous types might be impressed to go to bed with you. Because the one thing you feel through-and-through is powerless, you focus all your attention on (the lust for) power as the base of all human interaction, which you will certainly find describes some human interaction, particularly in the US. Because you can't get power - however you might define it - you make a virtue out of your inability to get it (and anything that might come with it) in something resembling the vainglory of asceticism.

Hopper, will you tell me more about your Granddad if you do not mind? What was he like? Did he know Yiddish well? Did he fight in World War II?

Stop that.Tons of men are passive-aggressive, self-obsessed, entitled manchild
and still get dates.Take me,My Lady came back to me(YES)and some
people Think Im an ass(their wrong) So ''nice guys''not failing
because their jerks.