Ever wonder if you'll find someone?

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I don't thinkg "I'm lonely, I'm sad/depressed" ="needs a gf/bf to make them happy"
it doesn't for me. I don't think i'll be super happy or even happy all the time with a gf. I do hope and think that she would fill one part of what makes me sad. She won't be able to fiill the friends part, the work part, or hobbies part. I don't even want to be around her 24/7. I would like to see her nights and weekends. as for texting , it would be nice though out the day, but not constant, I do things and it tends to bother me to have to message though i do it as not to be rude. I would like like 5-10 min messages though, but then again every kinda relationship I've had has been long distance and was the only way we talked. I don't know if i'd need texting though out the day if we saw each other during the week. I don't text my family or friend much.

I enjoy my hobbies(wish i had someone to share them with) I have everything else(besides a permanent job) to make me happy but love, I wish I didn't strongly desire touch and romance. I do . I sometimes wonder why I couldn't been one of the aspie that gets so into their hobbies that They don't bother with it, but I'm on the other extreme it seems can't help it much. I don't like when people in relationships label me needy, they have a relationship that they are use to. I've never had that and have abandonment and trust issues.

If I ever get a gf, I plan to be distant, not compliment her, and appear to not care if stuff bothers me. I do hope that works, but everything inside me screams those things are wrong.

Why would you do those things? The first two in particular (on the third there are times you have to swallow it, but if you did it too often you would explode). I can understand if it is the way you are and anything different is too hard, but it certainly will not help your relationship. At all.

I can understand why girls wouldn't want a guy who seems needy. I don't say I need them but I wonder if I give that impression anyway.

As you said I could be happy with my life as it is but then I wouldn't be trying to change it. I could stop looking but how do I know if through looking I was going to have found someone?

I'm in a few clubs. It's a good way to meet acquaintances of both sexes. Not much more.

My relatives say I'll find someone some day but how do they know?
There are no guarantees in life, only probabilities. As I get older the probability decreases.

Understood, I apologize for overreacting.


I'm not sure I'm truly a bottomless pit. I really feel I could heal if things were different. I just have trouble picturing the solution. It's agonizingly frustrating. In college I had friends I hung out with and we ate together every day. I was okay at that time. The loneliness starts when I attempt to move out on my own. It's like slowly losing traction on a hill. I start out with some momentum when I'm busy with things, but slowly something creeps up on me, and the "neediness" builds and builds. I run out of steam on work/school/special interests and then don't have much to fall back on. Having to plan outings and drive somewhere to meet friends in public has some exhausting effect on me such that when I'm under stress I just can't do it anymore. That's what happened in graduate school. At first I went out to parties I was invited to, but once the pressure and stress built up, I could no longer do that. It was too much effort and energy, and there was little feeling of connection. It's the worst in the winter months when the days are short. It's like the gloom just closes in on me. I start finding it harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning. If I'm working I'll start showing up late or missing work, and this only increased the dread and darkness I feel. I feel like a raw nerve and the sound of the traffic going by puts a knot in my chest. I get so anxious I start feeling rage.


It seems physical health issue is always treated differently from a "mental" health issue. In reality, my "mental" issues have physical components. I feel tired. I get aches. I feel light-headed. My body trembles. I feel nauseous. I get brain fog where it's hard to socialize because I can barely focus. I get forgetful. I'm sometimes very quiet and don't have the energy to crack jokes or liven people's spirits. It's hard to find people who don't have a problem with this.


What is it about neediness that scares you? Is it fear of having to hurt them if they get too attached before you've made up your mind? Or is it that you think you won't be able to give them what they need?

As for learning to enjoy being by myself, I can be by myself for a time. I just can't be by myself all the time. I need some kind of low-key interaction that's more intimate. Meeting in public doesn't really do it because my anxiety gets in the way and I find it hard to feel connected. I need some kind of quiet private company. NT's really do not understand the lack of connection I feel in noisy public places.

I've wondered that for quite a long time. Funny thing is, now that I have someone, my focus has shifted towards my personal development. Instead of worrying daily; 'will I ever find someone', I worry about 'will I ever find my place in this world?'. I want to find out what makes me a happier and more developed person. I want to be whole again and I want to be inspired. This thing has never been as much about 'me' as it is right now. I never thought I would come this far, so that's pretty awesome.

Ok, this is the broad generalization about women that we have been complaining about of late and I want to flag this sort of comment as unacceptable. This says most women are selfish and use men to get what they want. They shred men of their assets and move on to the next one to shred him of his assets. No! Just argh No! How many times does it have to be said that not all women are like that. Yeah, some people are selfish, but most are genuinely looking for a loving relationship.



I'll start by saying that you obviously love your kid and that's great and shows you have a good heart. But you can't say that women feel like having a child is something that they are entitled to. Look, I'm too ill to have children. I don't feel like I was cheated out of something that was my right, I'm ok with it. Women aren't just looking for a sperm donor. We don't need to bait men for that and trick them into getting into a relationship with us, we can pay for sperm in the 21st Century and have it artificially inseminated. We actually want mutual love and respect and a caring relationship.

It's like this story I heard about a Mom who discovered her son was autistic. She said it's like you plan to move to Italy, but the plane ends up setting you down in Holland. It's not what you expected, but you make the most of it because it's your home now. It's not what you expected, but you can still find good things in this life even though it wasn't what you had planned.

It's the same with realizing that you are a single adult or that you will not be a parent. We can find rewarding lives with the circumstances we find ourselves in.

*edited to remove reference to the 20th century. Oh man I'm old, can't believe I wrote that.

Last edited by hurtloam on 30 May 2014, 4:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

There seems to be too much focus in the 21st Century on how to find happiness. In fact when people strive to be happy as their purpose in life it often turns out that they do not become happy.

Happiness is more often a by product of working at things that you love, putting your energy into something productive and purposeful and doing things for other people.

I don't want to be happy. I just want to feel okay. Seems like that's too much to ask.

6 months ago if you look back to the kind of stuff I was writing in the Haven I would have said the same. I went to the doctor and was prescribed anti-depressants and now I feel like I'm on an even keel again. I wouldn't say I was gloriously happy, but I am not in the depths of despair anymore and it's given me the focus to put myself into my work, which I actually enjoy and get pleasure from.

So, firstly, I would advise going to see your doctor to see if they can offer help. I genuinely didn't think the doc would help me at all, but I have a really understanding doctor and these pills seem to be the right ones for me, so it's worth a try.

Also, what are your passions? What do you enjoy? Is there anything you used to do like play an instrument or go running, or drawing or anything that you have got out of the habit of that you could pick up again and focus on and find enjoyment in?

Marshall I fogot to add I relate alot to what you say about the mental health and the correlation with physical pain. On my worst days I feel like I can't get out of bed because I had no motivation and I was also in alot of physical pain. Like my elbows and arms would ache and my feet would ache and my neck, back and shoulders. I was lucky if I could manage to get up and have breakfast and they wander to the couch and watch tv.

I think the prozac has helped with my foggy head too. I am feeling like actually inviting people over to my house these days. I had to go to a business event this week and I actually managed to hold conversations with people.

There is light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds saccarine when you are at a low ebb. I know people saying that sort of thing to me didn't really help, so I don't know what to say really.

Yes, we all do need friends. So I empathize.

I'm sick of hearing antidepressants working for others. I'm on antidepressants. Been on them my whole life. I'm on the highest prescribed dose. I think I've been on the damn things for so many years my body no longer produces whatever I need to feel happy naturally. The drugs probably ruined my brain worse than it was to begin with. I don't know anyone in the world as f****d as I am. Nobody. I'm untouchable. Frankly I don't really want to hear advice anymore. The "learn to be happy alone" s**t keeps triggering me something fierce. HUMAN BEINGS ARE NOT f*****g MEANT TO BE ALONE. WE ARE SOCIAL ANIMALS. WE LIVE IN AN UNNATURAL SOCIETY. I think I need to leave this forum. I don't know if I'm going to make it. It truly is stark.

from reading stuff on here and other sites along with advice from past friends and thoughts on past love attempts. It seems that is what I have to do. make this false ideal of being very independent not caring about her much in order to find and keep a gf. the other stuff is just needy. I have silly romantic ideals that i must fight to destroy, such things as a pink rose on a first date, complimenting her, sharing too much, showing emotions, wanting to be around her/enjoying her company, kiss on the hand. I have a strong desire to hug and cuddle too that are bad. I must strive to not be me for as long as possible then i'll lose her, but maybe I'll manage to truly change. idk.

the opposite of distant is considered needy, compliments considered sexist and unwanted. I kinda like compliments so this confuses me, but oh well.

when I've had almost relationships, I was also told don't text her , wait days or preferable wait for her to text, don't seem too interested. you're needy for wanting regulatory contact instead of hear from them now then might go 3 weeks to 3 months before the next.

I stopped bringing a rose/flower, I going to work on what i listed and some others, to fix myself. I do fear it might make it worst but at the same time its what I've been told and being romantic while considered sweet is also considered needy and hasn't seemed to work.

so much stuff been told to me and it all seems to counter each other I'm not sure what to do but this seems to been the over all suggested stuff.

I don't think there was any option like that for AspergianMutantt

I have the opposite problem. Trying to find the rare woman who doesn't want kids.

I used to think like that. I got real content with my circumstances so I never tried to change them.

Can you blame people for thinking like that?

Although I wonder, we live more comfortable lives now than we did in preindustrial times and yet the rate of depression is higher. Does comfort lead to depression?

So if I want to be happy that means I can't be happy?

I keep on thinking of doing that but then I think, it's too late for that. I've been demotivated for too long. I'm too old to make a start in life. It's like turning up to the marathon half an hour after it started.

Was your body able to produce those compounds before you started taking the anti-depressants?

I've never tried antidepressants but I'm pretty sure the antipsychotics I was on screwed me up.

My problem was that it was far too easy to be happy alone so I wasn't motivated to go out and meet people. I wasn't motivated to do much of anything.
After teenage depression I had years of blissful apathy. I can never allow myself to become that happy again. Too much happiness leads to demotivation.

Have you tried marijuana? It works wonders for my feelings of isolation.

As for the question, I guess I haven't given up on the idea although I find it unlikely.

no offense, but you already found someone, so of course you wouldn't worry about finding someone.

I worried about finding a car, til I found one. It's easy to not focus on wanting something when you found it, which is why most people saying "just focus on being happy alone" are people who are in a relationship. It'd be like me telling a homeless person to just focus on being happy without a home.

I already know the other stuff. I have everything i need to make me happy, except a permanent job and a love life.
I have enough guns to enjoy my hobby(though can always have more ), could use more money to actually get out and enjoy it though. I have ps4, two pcs, vita, xbox 360, tablet, iphone, ipod, I am quite covered in my entertainment and video game hobbies, I constantly learn history and such , I might get back into money collecting but it never was a big hobby but something i'd do if i find something cool. I kinda miss airsofting, I mostly only worry about finding someone at night, when all my hobbies are done, friends all gone, and I'm left alone yet again in my bed wishing to be held. happy days(as much as I'll allow myself to, no smileing allowed) and sad nights.

Happy that you have someone, and are now spending time on you. hope you find hobbies and such to help if that's what you're after. I'm sure you will find you're place, if you aren't already in it.

Edit. I was getting ready to sleep and I like always had my bed time over thinking, I meantioned physical needs that i desire from a female, but its not all I desire. I want a connection. Someone to talk to, share interest learn about theirs, be playful with, I could go on but i'm tired, just wanted to clearifiy.

also I hope you don't take this wrong or hurt your feelings, :S I glad you have someone and being happy I just feel you fell into that group of people now .

Last edited by sly279 on 31 May 2014, 3:34 am, edited 2 times in total.

I guess it wasn't so hard for you to find someone because you already had experience with relationships.

Yeah, I used to think like that but somehow a game collection spanning five decades doesn't make me happy like it used to. Maybe if I got into the right mindset I could go back to playing games and being content with it but that would just feel like giving up on life.