Help me get some clarity regarding (relationship?)situation

Page 3 of 3 [ 41 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3

Previous topic | Next topic

bromide
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 24 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 52

01 Jun 2014, 10:16 am

mtgrl wrote:

I would NEVER abandon a friend just because they weren't interested in a romantic relationship! That is just selfish. I wouldn't care about my own peace. When guys do stuff like that, that's what makes girls despise them-say they're your friend one minute, then turn on you when you don't give them what they want. That's the kind of stuff that people do that have made me vow off dating altogether. You can't trust a person like that.

Listen, I've gone out with LOTS of guys, and I know this one thing: Most guys (and girls too, I'm sure) out there are completely self-centered and only care about their own feelings. They pay no thought to what their romantic interest wants. They act like they love you and would never leave you one minute, pretend to be your best friend, but as soon as the romantic prospect fails, they just ditch you. It's like they just pretend to be nice guys so they can get a date. Such a thing leaves a person wondering if they ever cared about you at all, or just wanted somebody to give them attention. That's not a real friendship and it's not a good basis for any relationship. Of all the guys I've met, they all act like this, which is why I'm extremely wary of men and I have sworn off going out with anybody until they prove they're not like that. Lots of guys want me to go out with them, but there's only one guy I would ever go out with if he asked. He's my best friend who's always been there for me for 5 years and treated me the same way whether he had a girlfriend or I had a boyfriend or not. He's proved that he really genuinely cares about me and not just himself. He's proved he's a real friend, and I know I can trust him. And that's why I'd choose him over anybody else. More guys should be like him. Instead of lamenting over being friendzoned, they ought to consider if they are really being authentic friends or if they are just hanging out with a girl so they can go out with her. There's a big difference. And girls know that difference. I am sick and tired of phony friends who only want to be with me so they can get something from me.

I would never go out with somebody unless they were a true friend and not just hanging around in order to win my affection. I know a lot of guys talk about how they don't understand why girls don't go out with more "nice guys" instead of friendzoning them, what they don't understand is that that girl has probably got about 10 guy friends who are being "friendly" to her and she can't pick all of them. And she probably doesn't want any of them, because she can tell they're being very phony and pretentious in order to get a date. They aren't really nice guys, you can tell they have ulterior motives. If you do go out with somebody like that, they usually end up showing their true colors later on. They may think they're pretty decent guys, but if they're only being nice to somebody to get a date, that's selfish and a lousy thing to do. Be nice because it's who you are, not because you want somebody to like you.

People need to learn one thing: Just because somebody doesn't want to date you doesn't mean they don't care about you. Chances are they care about you very much. She is not deliberately trying to hurt your feelings, she is just confused about her own. You should never take a person's friendship for granted. There are very few real friends out there. Most people will only stick around if you will give them something like money or date them. Very few want to be around you just because they like you and care about you. If she still wants to be with you even though she's dating somebody else, you have a special bond there, one more important than a fling. It may not be all you want it to be, but stick around and if you're genuinely a true and caring friend it may become more. Don't just be with somebody because you want to get something like a date. That's really not a good motive.

Also, if you're going to be a jerk and say this is just too much for me to handle, atleast be a man about it and tell her the truth instead of just avoiding her. That's cowardly. It's one thing to say, "I'm sorry, but this has just been very hard on me and I need some space from the situation." It's much more hurtful to simply not return any phone calls and leave her cruelly wondering what happened.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's just the honest truth.

I agree with you with what you have said above.

mtgrl wrote:

I agree. It's natural to reach out to an attractive friend when you are having troubles with your boyfriend. Although backing off may have been a wise thing to do in this case, since she didn't have sufficient time to get over him and think things through, which you really should do before entering a new relationship. People will often prematurely seek somebody new to replace something broken when they are still grieving over the past. The urge to move on is especially strong right after a break up, when what they really need to do is take some time to get over what happened first. She may not have been thinking through coherently at the time of her distress and was reaching for comfort. She was unsure that her relationship was going to work out and impulsively looked for somebody she trusted-her friend, whom she had some feelings for-to turn to. She wanted a friend to comfort her and also a man to help heal the wounds. Had things not worked out with her boyfriend, as she was most certainly anticipating, she most likely would have then pursued you further, but unfortunately it appears that the trouble between them ended and she decided to give him another chance afterall. Don't take it personally, it really didn't have anything to do with you. She liked you but she was too quick to express her feelings and should have waited until their relationship was officially over before she started to look for somebody new. It was impulsive on her part and she probably had no idea the impact it had on you. But be flattered because that means you were the first person she would pick if things went wrong.

One thing I would like to tell is that, this has been happening over time. Not just when they had problems with their relationship.

mtgrl wrote:

She wanted a friend to comfort her and also a man to help heal the wounds.

this is fine with me provided she had not acted they way she did.

mtgrl wrote:

unfortunately it appears that the trouble between them ended and she decided to give him another chance afterall. Don't take it personally, it really didn't have anything to do with you. She liked you but she was too quick to express her feelings and should have waited until their relationship was officially over before she started to look for somebody new.

Just because their trouble ended, she just cannot ignore a person who is/was that close to her.

When you are in a relationship where you are looking for the long term, It is the responsibility of the couple to not act impulsively on feelings around somebody they feel attracted to other than the current partner. This is my ideal and I think I am right(not self righteous). Imagine how would her boyfriend feel if he comes to know she had messaged a close guy friend of hers that, she likes him and not to inform her boyfriend.

if your emotions are that flimsy, it will cause you problems. It might mean that they don't have enough love between them or they are in a relationship just for the sake of having one and trying to get the relationship to work. My point is that be in a relation for love.

bromide
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 24 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 52

01 Jun 2014, 11:21 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Wow, If a guy posted the above he would be accused as sexist and implying that most girls are somehow irrational and don't know what they want.

Ha ha, Ya that probably would have been interpreted like that.

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,096
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Jun 2014, 11:24 am

bromide wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Wow, If a guy posted the above he would be accused as sexist and implying that most girls are somehow irrational and don't know what they want.

Ha ha, Ya that probably would have been interpreted like that.

damn, I deleted my post because I don't want troubles with Dw_mom, she's a mod. :lol:

hurtloam
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 27 Mar 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,747
Location: Eyjafjallajökull

01 Jun 2014, 12:05 pm

bromide wrote:

When you are in a relationship where you are looking for the long term, It is the responsibility of the couple to not act impulsively on feelings around somebody they feel attracted to other than the current partner. Imagine how would her boyfriend feel if he comes to know she had messaged a close guy friend of hers that, she likes him and not to inform her boyfriend. This is my ideal and I think I am right.

One thing I would like to tell is that, this has been happening over time. Not just when they had problems with their relationship.

Basically the above is what flirting is about. Its okay to do it when you are single. But when you are involved, if your emotions are that flimsy, it will cause you problems. It might mean that they don't have enough love between them or they are in a relationship just for the sake of having one and trying to get the relationship to work. Pretending that it never happened is not a good thing to do. We must address the situation and do the necessary.

She may be embarrassed but that does not mean that she has to run away from the situation. She played an active part in it and still is involved in the situation despite of me telling her "I just need a closure. I am not expecting reciprocation."

Not everything is black and white. Your ideal may be that people shouldn't flirt when they are in a relationship, but in reality people do flirt with others when they are in a relationship. It took me a long time to work out that flirting doesn't always mean that the other person is indicating that they want to start a relationship with you. Sometimes they are just having some fun and they enjoy the attention. I used to get hurt when someone would flirt with me and I'd think they were seriously interested in me and then I'd find out they weren't. That confused me and hurt me, but most people do view flirting as harmless fun. I'm not saying that's right or wrong, it's just how people generally view it.

So if she was sending a signal that she just wanted some fun and you are taking it more seriously than her, that might mean she's now feeling a bit uncomfortable talking to you about it because she doesn't want to go into that deeply. You feel like it is a big important thing to talk about and she thinks that it isn't that serious and she is wondering why you are making a big deal about it.

What do you want her to say? What will give you closure? What if she doesn't want to give you that closure? Will you keep hassling her till she eventually starts avioding you so that she doesn't have to deal with this?

bromide
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 24 Sep 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 52

01 Jun 2014, 12:52 pm

hurtloam wrote:

I understand your point. That is exactly why I have not talked to her about the nitty-gritty details of her flirting with me. It sounds petty. I also understand that people treat "flirting as harmless fun" and neither do I know whether it is right or wrong. But, going to the extent of messaging "I like you. don't tell this to my boyfriend." and Telling me that "She is more comfortable with me than her boyfriend"(there are many other things like this) Is more or less playing with the affection I had towards her as a friend.

hurtloam wrote:

What do you want her to say? What will give you closure? What if she doesn't want to give you that closure? Will you keep hassling her till she eventually starts avioding you so that she doesn't have to deal with this?

I do not what I want to hear from her. But, I definitely cannot be treated like a doormat and be used when she feels like and ignored the next. According to her, I mean a lot to her, If she wants to maintain a good friendship, she has to behave civil with her feelings. Not trying to impose anything on her, but it gets very difficult to view the relation(friendship) I have with her as just friendship if she keeps behaving/flirting to that extent. As I have told here before. I had let go of the situation. It is her who got it back to life.

And again, now, I have just left the situation be, by telling her when she feels like talking she can. I am not going to pursue for closure. if I can find a closure it is good else I will just let it be.

P.S. I have told her "when she feels like talking she can". Because she keeps telling me she feels bad and she feels down at times.

tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

01 Jun 2014, 1:26 pm

Oops - sorry, bromide, you posted while I was writing. I'll leave it, though, not knowing what you're already reading or responding to.

----------

Yeah...bromide, she's said loud and clear that she doesn't want to talk about it, and even though she treated you pretty shabbily, there, if she doesn't want to talk, she doesn't have to. She does not owe you explanations. You don't have to go on being friends with her if you don't want to. And, really, telling a woman who's got boyfriend problems and is already confiding in you that you have feelings for her...you may not have known it, but you were asking for trouble there. Not saying you're at fault, but it's not surprising, what happened.

As for the rightness or wrongness of her behavior in her relationship with your friend -- hurtloam is right, you really don't know what goes on there. Unless you know for a fact that she's out sleeping around and you know for a fact that the relationship's supposed to be monogamous, I wouldn't say a single word about it, because good things will not come of that, your involving yourself in their relationship like that. And even if you do know those two things for a fact, I would still be very reluctant to say anything -- and if I did, I'd be prepared to lose both friendships.

I also have the feeling that you're misinterpreting what's going on, and that one of two things is happening:

1. She's a flirty girl who just adores people and tells them so, and during a bad patch with her guy she stepped over the line with you, then stepped back, and is now embarrassed. Diagnosis: Drop it, stop pressuring her, and acknowledge that the friendship between you two may be permanently changed.

2. She's not very nice and is always out fishing. What you don't know: how okay your friend is with this. Diagnosis: just steer clear, she's trouble.

You can tell her that you're not comfortable with a behavior, and that's fine. If she keeps on doing it, you can decide to stop having anything to do with her (although it may affect your relationship with the guy). What you can't do is insist on her doing anything: explaining anything, telling her boyfriend anything, etc.

You're not in the relationship: the two of them are. If she's just flirty -- well, not only is this not against the law, but it's up to your friend to care about it or not. It's highly unlikely he doesn't know what his girlfriend's like.

Have you ever heard of "work husbands"? (Or wives.) It's a very, very common thing: people spend most of their waking hours at work, and sometimes married people will find someone they find attractive/friendly, and they'll get to be real tight buddies. Who are in fact attracted to each other and acknowledge it, are crushy and tell all about their deep personal problems. And everyone in the office knows about it, and so do the spouses. It happens because they're human. No relationship transpires, although when one's going through a rough patch with the spouse, fantasies will bloom about divorcing the spouse and running off with the work crush. And fantasy is all it is. In reality, they don't want that; they love their spouses and families and don't want to wreck anyone's life including their own. But it's a fantasy that gets them through a hard time. The work-crush might even joke about it, "no, sweetie, you can't marry me, you'd hate that, and you'd be so on my last nerve in a week." If the work crushes are gossipy, everyone in the office will know about it, way, way more than they want to, and someone will talk the temporarily-crazed person down.

Good god, the trouble I had with one guy I worked for...he was totally besotted with this woman, bored in a marriage it would've killed him to leave, and he went around making a damn fool of himself. Like to the point where his wife thought he was bipolar. It took a while, but he regained his senses. Five years on, he and his wife are still married (zero surprises there), and the woman is engaged to a guy she started dating in the midst of the madness. The office is defunct, they work at different places now. They still make crushy eyes at each other at social events, and that's as far as it goes.

I don't know too many grown-up spouses who require undying and exclusive adoration.

These things go on for years, sometimes. If you haven't, by the way, you ought to check out Dan Savage's explanation of "monogamish". It's not for me, and it goes well beyond work-husband, but I think it's actually usual. That most people aren't naturally 100% monogamous, and yeah, now and then, both partners will get involved with someone else. Maybe sexually, maybe not. But they both want to be and stay married, they love each other, they find each other attractive (maybe not all the time, but marriages are long), they really are each others' priorities.

Anyway. Again, unless you know for certain she's out tearing up the town, and that your friend believes he's in a chaste and purely monogamous relationship, you'd really do best to stay out of it, and to leave off pressuring this woman. You don't have to hang with her, but she doesn't have to do anything for you, either.

tarantella64
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Feb 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,850

01 Jun 2014, 1:35 pm

bromide wrote:

Oh gosh, this happens all the time. It's not the world's most mature behavior, but you're not meant to take it seriously. To be a bit flattered, maybe, and that's about it. If you said you liked her, she may even have thought you meant it on the same level, that you weren't seriously interested in her. No wonder she feels bad now. No, I don't think she meant to toy with you.

The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 42
Gender: Non-binary
Posts: 33,096
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Jun 2014, 4:05 pm

bromide, your case is pretty typical really: Her relationship with her bf has something amiss which is fundamental for a healthy relationship, and you're providing this missing part, whether it's emotional support, quality time or whatever, but that's it, you are just the filler friend of this missing part in her relationship.

PS of clarification: and oh, this can happen to both genders before someone calls me a potential Eliot rodger, geez tarantella tamed us :lol:

Vomelche
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 17 Nov 2011
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 789
Location: Ontario

02 Jun 2014, 9:04 pm

tarantella64 wrote:

Yes, its not flirting at this point, because she is being more direct with him. Also, sounds like she is a more impulsive person than op.

Page 3 of 3 [ 41 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2, 3

Jump to:

Help me get some clarity regarding (relationship?)situation Post Reply New Topic

Help me get some clarity regarding (relationship?)situation