so when is it a relationship?

Post Reply New Topic

I don't need any dates to get attached. Under the right circumstances I can get attached in 30 minutes without any talking or hugging. All I need is mutual interest and the right positions.



Generally, I need girls to take some kind of initiative, otherwise not much will happen. That means both parties must take initiatives. The scenario with a guy that seduces a girl and she does nothing in return would never work for me. I think mixed initiatives is the natural state of things. If I were to take all the initiatives I would never even know if she had an interest in me at all. It is kind of included in the persistence requirement, because if the girl doesn't cooperate (and thus take some initiatives), she would fail to show persistent interest.

o.O 8 dates is like months. not to mention most people talk in between dates, it also seems like a lot of people have sex anywhere from 3-5 dates. they may also hang out in non official date situations. most people seem to decide if they going be gf/bf after 2 dates. also I haven't heard many people have a relationship talk one (usually the woman) just starts calling the other their bf/gf then the other if breaks it off or acknowledges it by calling the other their bf/gf

if we aren't in a relationship after 3-4 date I'm done witht eh lady. time is lottery money. I can't afford to waste either time or money on a woman that's going nowhere slow.

bummer but you still have the other guy?




I don't do hugs except with romantic partners. other people do force hugs on me though.

as for attachment after 8 dates with just hugging. I unlike others am not quick to pull my pants down and sex. I am quite shy and slow. I can get attached from just talking to a woman over the internet with no physical contact at all. I can connect to people without relying on touching them.

bummer but you still have the other guy


To be honest I have no idea. When he messages me he has plenty to say, but it takes forever for him to get back to me. Apparently he is a very desirable fellow and my messages get buried under the onslaught of teeny boppers.

I have decided to take a break from okcupid, both men now have my number and know that's the only way for them to reach me. We'll see if either calls me.

I hate these sort of "dating sites!"

I bet you would be successful if you met somebody at a lecture or something.

teeny boppers?

hope they call you or maybe they'll text you. I hate calling.

I haven't heard of "teeny boppers" since the 70s.

He's 36 and pretty old fashioned. A lot of 18 and 20 year old girls message him because well, he gorgeous and successful. If his profile is accurate. Who knows. He may call, may not.

Yeah, I can relate to that. I think this is pretty common. Being exclusive is another (earlier) sign.

I just think some people here are too literal and depend on too inflexible rules that practically nobody other than them practice. Could also be some kind of excuse for breaking up very late with guys, which I still claim is a horrible thing.



If I need to date at all it won't be worth it.

Unique? I haven't even started discussing the really unique methods yet.

From my experience, especially during my school years when this was easy to maintain, it wasn't that hard to find girls willing to participate in this game. For instance, I had one in late high-school which went in a parallel class and we did it during breaks. It ended as high-school ended. Then in college I did it with a girl in my own class, and it lasted for 3 years, and ended for the same reason (school ended). We met a year later at a reunion, and instantly got into the same behavior. I remember I tried to write letters to her a little later, and I got a single answer but then it ended permanently. Both of them were exclusive at least while we went to school (I would have aborted it if they had not been exclusive).

So I assume you explain the rules of the game, and that you'll let them know when it's over and you can start actually talking to each other? It otherwise just sounds like my (lack of) interactions with most people in my life. I don't talk to, hug, or have sex with most people, but they are welcome to observe me when they are around if they wish. The difference is that these are the people I'm NOT interested in romantically, rather than the ones I AM.

I imagine it was easier to find people willing to play the game back in school, because that's when we are just learning about relationships and sex and stuff and many of us aren't ready to experience it fully yet. If you can find people in adulthood who are happy to spend months or years being "exclusive"*, but really less than exclusive because they aren't even with you let alone anyone else, you must be a smoothy (in the moments before you stop talking to them that is).

I'm not saying it's a terrible idea, it works for you so that's great! I'm just really surprised/impressed that it works.

*Actually, how do you know they are "exclusive"? How do you know they're not NOT talking, hugging and having sex (i.e. playing the same game) with anyone else? Wouldn't it be impossible to tell?

In school I didn't talk to anybody, so maybe it was natural I used this tactic with girls too? But the funny thing is that even if I can talk to people today, I still prefer the nonverbal way with girls. This also has to do with blocks that makes it more or less impossible to do it the typical way with approaching and talking. Similar (social) blocks are sometimes mentioned as part of autism, but my worse one's are with girls and not in typical social situations.



I'm the reverse. Girls I can easily talk to are the one's I have no romantic interest in, or that I can pretend I have no romantic interest in. I frequently use the latter as a compensatory tactics in order to be able to ask women for a dance. Without that, I cannot make myself to approach them.



Yes, but in a negative way. I suspect that many people that do this naturally learn to do it in another way but this often isn't very successful, but it is "the right way" according to society and others. I know that this is my natural preference, and I see no reason why I should learn alien ways that doesn't work.



That's less common, but it happens. One girl was between 25 and 30.



In school I pretty much knew as I saw them almost every day, but in other environments I couldn't be sure, but I think it is kind of hard to play this game with multiple people or do the traditional dating thing with sex as well.

In my experience most of the girls were shy, and none of them were sexually active. I think this is an additional bonus if you are asexual and shy yourself.

But what I'm asking is how do you know they are playing this game "exclusively" with you? That is, they could be doing the "not talking, hugging or shagging" thing with multiple people and you'd never know.

(To call it "exclusive", they would have to be exhibiting the behaviour only with you and with nobody else, so if you are saying that you call it off if they have sex with someone, then you can't say the two of you were ever "exclusive", because you were never sleeping together.)

Is it really a mutual game, or are the women actually unaware that it is being played? Sounds like you are simply observing them for a while and if they haven't hooked up with anyone in that time, then you attempt a relationship with them. In the meantime they have no idea that this process was going on. Do I have it right?

Sorry if I'm pestering with all these questions but I find it fascinating.

An official relationship isn't after a fixed number of dates. It's when you both agree to have an exclusive relationship.

The key here is how neurodiverse eye contact works. NTs use eye contact when they talk to you, basically, while the rule for neurodiverse people is different. They tend to look more at those they like and less at those they dislike. Thus you know they are interested by the amount of eye contact they have with you. In order to trigger it, you just look at them from time to time (when you are not talking to them), and observe if they look back at you from time to time. Now, if they are NTs they will not reciprocate as NTs eye contact is part of talking, and you aren't talking to them so they will not look back. If they are neurodiverse and like you, they will reciprocate, while if they are not interested they will not.

Of course, at school I had no idea about how this worked. I was just natural back then, but today I kind of know why it worked. It has to do with the eye-contact pattern of neurodiverse people.

Because this is kind of innate, and not learned, their reactions are sincere, which also is why I can be pretty sure they are interested.



Maybe I should have stated that it becomes exclusive after a while. It's not exclusive from the start, rather some kind of social game that exchanges interest. It tends to become more and more exclusive as you continue with it over time. That's similar to dating.



It's not only observation. There has to be the eye contact pattern I described above as well.