need advice on my marriage...

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No honestly I just recently admitted to myself my suspicions were correct and not, as he says, my mind blindness and that not everything is my fault. Whenever I would start to wake up he would be very sweet or self deprecating to the point I feel sorry for him. He also sends so many texts or talks so fast and so much he usually just wins by confusing me. Other than a lawyer, I'm not sure where to start. And he convinced me he was just a normal emotional nt.

It's weird being around other families with the kids. It's like hey wait a minute... you don't go into a rage when my baby cries? That's odd. I really have to keep the baby happy and prevent crying. Typing that out really makes it sound not normal. Wow. All men aren't like this?

Last edited by woman84 on 30 Apr 2015, 5:19 pm, edited 2 times in total.

You mentioned a therapist, have you discussed this situation with them?

Yes but I was too embarrassed to tell him everything. And I haven't been since December before I quit my job. Between my husband and being away from kids so much I wasn't going through a sixth tax season. It's just so stressful working for a CPA. But if I can get a notarized paper saying I'm not working I can go back for cheap. And tell him everything. I was worried they'd bring in social services too.

And I looked for another job for a year. It's difficult finding work in a small town. It's who you know here. I've never had so much trouble finding work. I haven't been unemployed more than a few months in the last 14 years until now.

Your husband sounds like an abuser, and won't likely ever change. For your safety and that of your children it would be wise to find someplace else to live and work on getting a divorce or something. Don't tell him where you're going or anything like that.

I also suggest to study on the signs of abusive relationships, it's especially good knowledge for Aspies because then we can observe these traits before getting in too deep with someone.

Best of luck with whatever path you choose.

I have no words.. wow.

Get out of that relationship asap. He is clearly abusing and exploiting you. Please please PLEASE make sure you get full custody of the children.... and if possible no visitation rights because he should not be left alone with kids given his behavior and addiction to painkillers. In many ways, his behavior is good for divorce and getting custody of the children because you have means to prove with documents that you were the one paying for everything while he sat on his ass and had daddy set businesses up for him all of which failed. He doesn't even have a degree and fails his college courses.

Sweet woman, YOU did not put him in the hospital. YOU did not give him PTSD, either—IF he actually has PTSD in the first place! He wants pity, sympathy, and attention, like a toddler throwing tantrums, and wants you to feel guilty so he doesn’t have to take responsibility for himself. He wants you to feel like you’ve done something wrong so you won’t leave him. Don't accept the guilt, and don't feel sorry for him. He only cares about himself.

He is working a classic blame/shame/denial cycle, and it sounds like he's been doing it for years. Abusers will say or do something and then deny it, they will place the blame on their victims so that the victim will feel obligated to help or stay or perhaps stop doing anything at all. They will do or say anything they can to make their victims feel like they’re worthless crap. They will minimize some things they’ve done (to avoid blame) even though they will start or dive into a big fight because they like the drama. They never run out of excuses and think that it’s absolutely fine for them to do as they please, but will freak out if their victims don’t do exactly what they want.

I won't say that this page I found is some sort of bible, but it has some really good descriptions of some of your husband’s ploys: http://www.agape-aid.org/abusiverelatio ... g-mind.php

PLEASE don’t feel that this is your fault—your husband is a multi-dimensional mess who would eff up any relationship at all. It’s basically impossible for you or anyone else to please him. Metaphorically speaking, you’re stuck in a storm that you didn’t--couldn't--create; it’s knocking you around, draining your energy, disorienting you, and more. It's not your fault if you "fall down" (lose your cool) amid all this disorder--in fact, it's a perfectly natural and logical response!

Please don't give up hope. You're heading in the right direction.

thank you everybody. I may have to get off soon. He may be on his way home.

He makes me feel like I'm going crazy. I have a good memory but he makes me doubt reality.

There are lots of sites with tips on how to leave a physical abuser, and the best ways to leave emotional abusers are similar, but this page is more to-the-point and specific to a situation like yours:

http://www.relationshippsychology.com/m ... e-marriage

You guys are so awesome. And my friends and family have been too.
When I told him the big news my sis may be aspie too he said something like "hah no she's a narcissist." Wtf? She is so sweet and selfless. He also said he hates liars :/

When he left the last time, I thought it was for good. I was so happy. I was literally dancing most days and I haven't danced since I've been here. I felt free. And he made me feel bad for being happy. He told me I should be suffering like him.

You did not give him PTSD by having aspergers, PTSD is caused be threats and violence, fear and intimidation and no amount of you not knowing how to make him happy (which sounds impossible anyway) equates to that.

As far as what you wrote about him seeming to want to hurt you by being nicer to the children when he's angry, that means he sees you and they share love, he's using them to get to you is very dark and ugly. DO NOT believe any nonsense about children not being able to feel loved and cared for by aspie moms. This place is full of us (aspie dads too) and many of us have close, fulfilling, loving connections with our children.

I hope you'll be safe.

My advice: go to a domestic violence shelter or an attorney or the courthouse in your city (or the nearest city to your small town if you're afraid of that small town grapevine bringing word of your actions back to him) and get the wheels turning on divorcing him for being at the very least emotionally and psychologically abusive. I haven't read the whole thread so I haven't seen if he's physically harmed you yet but all the red flags are there and it won't be long.

When he said "Any normal person would have called bull on me" I went because that clearly shows he is incapable of relating to you as you really are--a woman on the spectrum. A normal person might be able to see through this kind of manipulation and call bull on jerkwads like this. Women with Asperger's Syndrome--like you and I--take the words of others, especially people we are close to and in a relationship with, at face value.

A guy like this, though? Believing what he says with nothing to back it up would be a mistake. He has shown himself to be dishonest, manipulative, untrustworthy and abusive. Get a lawyer. Get a place to take yourself and your child(ren) that he doesn't know about and/or can't get access to (that's why I mention domestic violence shelter; the YMCA in your town is another potential resource if there is one). File a report against him with the police department. Tell them you're afraid of him, afraid of what he might do next and what he might do the the child(ren). And get out while you still can.

There are places outside your small town where everything depends on whom you know where you can go for help, for resources, for services as a person with a disability. There is help out there for you; you just need to do whatever it takes to locate it. I don't know if you're a religious person or a praying person but know that I'm praying for you because I believe prayer works.

Bless.

I'm new to this forum, and I am not on the spectrum myself, but you seem like an extremely kind, tolerant, and lovely person. This is ABUSE. My soon to be X is a psychopath and an addict (heroin). What you described is his behavior to a "T". Please, get away from this person. As others have said, this is NOT typical of a man on or off the spectrum. You deserve so much better, sweetheart.

That's a real thing in abusive relationships and it's called gas lighting.

I work at a women's shelter and what you are saying is frightening and concerns me to no end. I also encourage you to leave this situation. It is not safe for you or your children. I highly encourage you to stay with a friend and try to get back on your feet again and get all your ducks in a row. I don't know about staying with the mil since she may try to reconcile you. When you do leave, just be forewarned that he will say whatever he thinks it will take to get you back- generally either by making promises (he has no intentions of keeping) or by apologizing for past mistakes.
If you do consider entering a shelter, be aware that it does take time to gather the courage to leave him- no matter where you end up going. And that you will switch back and forth between leaving and staying, many many times before you do leave. Don't be too hard on yourself- you've only recently come to the point where you've begun putting all these thoughts and fears into words.
I encourage you to see what options are available to you at this point in time and consider what you might be able to do.
Whatever you decide to do, we're here for you and we know that your thoughts, feelings and experiences are valid and real.

And if you ever need help with anything, feel free to message me.

Although you didn't write anything about physical abuse of you, I saw you write he has threatened to harm your young child and yet persists in badmouthing you.....it's a distraction from what's real and I too am frightened for you and for them by how much power he's gained over your mind. You deserve to feel safe.