Page 3 of 3 [ 43 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3

rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

18 Aug 2015, 3:09 am

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
I'm definitely not asexual. I'm attracted to the female gender. I want to stay abstinent until marriage (if it ever comes), and I'm completely uninterested in "booty calls," but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in sex...


Then you probably don't bond with sex, which is the important factor, and not outright self-identification as asexual.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

18 Aug 2015, 3:13 am

sly279 wrote:
how do you explain that theres more sexual aspies on there then asexual aspies then?


Because the rate for NT males is 2% and for ND males it is 10%. For NT females it is 4% and for ND females it is 20%. A factor 5 in difference doesn't necessarily mean it's more common than sexual.



ThisAdamGuy
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 22 May 2015
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 692
Location: Northwest Arkansas

18 Aug 2015, 5:55 am

rdos wrote:
ThisAdamGuy wrote:
I'm definitely not asexual. I'm attracted to the female gender. I want to stay abstinent until marriage (if it ever comes), and I'm completely uninterested in "booty calls," but that doesn't mean I'm not interested in sex...


Then you probably don't bond with sex, which is the important factor, and not outright self-identification as asexual.



I think the only part of that post you read was "I don't want to have sex until marriage." If that makes me asexual, then EVERY abstinent Christian is asexual. I'm interested in sex. If I had it, I'd probably bond through it. But I don't think it's right to have sex before marriage, so I won't. That fact has no impact on my overall sexuality.


_________________
Autistic author of fantasy novels. Read them for free HERE!


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

18 Aug 2015, 6:07 am

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
I think the only part of that post you read was "I don't want to have sex until marriage." If that makes me asexual, then EVERY abstinent Christian is asexual.


I never claimed it made you asexual. Asexual is a misnomer for other things, mostly to find sex disgusting.

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
I'm interested in sex. If I had it, I'd probably bond through it. But I don't think it's right to have sex before marriage, so I won't. That fact has no impact on my overall sexuality.


You cannot know that until you had it. I've had sex, and I know I don't bond with it, but if I never had it, I wouldn't know.



The Grand Inquisitor
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 9 Aug 2015
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,765

18 Aug 2015, 7:25 am

ThisAdamGuy wrote:
@Inquisitor, the issues are mostly aspie traits, as you said. I'm socially awkward, I have a hard time empathizing, and I get so obsessed over certain things that it pushes other people away. I want a girlfriend so that I can have someone who'll never get tired of being with me because we love each other. We'll spend our lives together, and have that intimate connection that "just friends" don't have. Because of that, I'm only interested in ltr's, not casual or "fun" dating.


Okay, now I see where you're coming from, so I can upgrade my advice. Since Aspie traits are what you're struggling with (I'm assuming social awkwardness is a big one), I'd recommend advancing your social skills further, all-the-while working on them within day-to-day conversations.

A big help in acquiring better social skills would be reading (or listening to) books like Dale Carnegie's How To Make Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there are other books and articles out there that will outline body language too, if that's something you struggle with. If your physicality is awkward (like mine), you could try developing new physical habits via watching yourself in the mirror as you talk/walk, and simply make an effort to diminish the awkwardness as best you can.

Additionally, I'd advise you do your best to change your attitude. Women can smell desperation a mile away, and when you say that you'd be joining clubs/groups/etc purely to meet women, red flags start popping up, at least to me. I'd advise you to join activity groups that align with your interests, and go to them simply with the intention of enjoying the activity and maybe making a few friends on the way. Remember, even if you don't meet your special someone in one of these groups, you're broadening your social circle, and friends have friends. You may not hit it off romantically with a particular female friend, but she might have a friend who's perfect for you, so just because you're not romantically interested in someone doesn't mean it's a dead end as far as a relationship goes.

So yeah, pretty much the more people you know, the better chance you have of finding Miss Right, and the more you practice social interaction, the more developed your social skills will get.

Best of luck.



darthsuhtek
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 4 Dec 2014
Age: 39
Gender: Male
Posts: 7

18 Aug 2015, 9:12 am

I have had the mindset before that not having a girlfriend is a huge problem. This made me sad and made interactions with women even more awkward.
Then I stopped caring about getting a girlfriend . Instead I focused on having conversations with people(and yes believe it or not women are people too). I'm not saying this will get you a girlfriend, but it could help you get out of the mindset "I must have a girlfriend."

I hope this is somewhat helpful. Just remember you are not alone and even the most extroverted people also have tons of romance problems(think of how many movies and songs are about heartache).



Bataar
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Sep 2008
Age: 46
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,848
Location: Post Falls, ID

19 Aug 2015, 11:42 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
ThisAdamGuy wrote:
@Inquisitor, the issues are mostly aspie traits, as you said. I'm socially awkward, I have a hard time empathizing, and I get so obsessed over certain things that it pushes other people away. I want a girlfriend so that I can have someone who'll never get tired of being with me because we love each other. We'll spend our lives together, and have that intimate connection that "just friends" don't have. Because of that, I'm only interested in ltr's, not casual or "fun" dating.


Okay, now I see where you're coming from, so I can upgrade my advice. Since Aspie traits are what you're struggling with (I'm assuming social awkwardness is a big one), I'd recommend advancing your social skills further, all-the-while working on them within day-to-day conversations.

A big help in acquiring better social skills would be reading (or listening to) books like Dale Carnegie's How To Make Friends and Influence People. I'm sure there are other books and articles out there that will outline body language too, if that's something you struggle with. If your physicality is awkward (like mine), you could try developing new physical habits via watching yourself in the mirror as you talk/walk, and simply make an effort to diminish the awkwardness as best you can.

Additionally, I'd advise you do your best to change your attitude. Women can smell desperation a mile away, and when you say that you'd be joining clubs/groups/etc purely to meet women, red flags start popping up, at least to me. I'd advise you to join activity groups that align with your interests, and go to them simply with the intention of enjoying the activity and maybe making a few friends on the way. Remember, even if you don't meet your special someone in one of these groups, you're broadening your social circle, and friends have friends. You may not hit it off romantically with a particular female friend, but she might have a friend who's perfect for you, so just because you're not romantically interested in someone doesn't mean it's a dead end as far as a relationship goes.

So yeah, pretty much the more people you know, the better chance you have of finding Miss Right, and the more you practice social interaction, the more developed your social skills will get.

Best of luck.

That advice is only good if you have interests that women have as well. If your interests don't align with women, you may have a good time while you're there, but it won't help in this regard. Case in point, I enjoy playing Magic the Gathering and have been going to weekly tournaments for over six years. Do you know how many single women I've met in that time? Zero. Granted, women do play but they have always been with their husband or boyfriend.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

20 Aug 2015, 1:39 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
So yeah, pretty much the more people you know, the better chance you have of finding Miss Right, and the more you practice social interaction, the more developed your social skills will get.


False. The more you believe that finding a gf is a social game, the more NTs you will hook up with, and the more failures you will have. That's a vicious circle that won't get you into a healthy long-term relationship.



rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

20 Aug 2015, 1:44 am

darthsuhtek wrote:
Then I stopped caring about getting a girlfriend . Instead I focused on having conversations with people(and yes believe it or not women are people too). I'm not saying this will get you a girlfriend, but it could help you get out of the mindset "I must have a girlfriend."


I believe that is a useful strategy. It will remove the "desperation" factor which many women find highly unattractive. It will also give you better endurance, which is also a useful trait if you want to get together with non-NTs.



Ban-Dodger
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 2 Jun 2011
Age: 1027
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,820
Location: Возможно в будущее к Россию идти... можеть быть...

20 Aug 2015, 3:01 am

You don't need to meet women and there is absolutely no reason why you should want to either.
(Okay, for the sake of trollin' you, I am going to say that I'm secretly hoarding them all for myself :wink: ).


_________________
Pay me for my signature. 私の署名ですか❓お前の買うなければなりません。Mon autographe nécessite un paiement. Которые хочет мою автографу, у тебя нужно есть деньги сюда. Bezahlst du mich, wenn du meine Unterschrift wollen.


rdos
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jul 2005
Age: 63
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,096
Location: Sweden

20 Aug 2015, 3:52 am

Ban-Dodger wrote:
You don't need to meet women and there is absolutely no reason why you should want to either.


I do meet two women regularly: Wife and daughter. :mrgreen:

Other than that, I mostly meet women at dances. I enjoy dancing with them, and they enjoy dancing with me.

Ban-Dodger wrote:
(Okay, for the sake of trollin' you, I am going to say that I'm secretly hoarding them all for myself :wink: ).


Hoarding women doesn't sound like a useful strategy. Unless you run a harem.