Aspergirls, do guys approach you?

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Ditto.
If my parents didn't make it clear for me that "If a guy asks you out it means he likes you because guys don't invite girls out 'just so'." I would think the guys approach me because they want to be my friends. And even when I know what their deal is I still tend to be confused, surprised and uneasy when they suddenly mention/do something "romantic", especially since I try my best to make it clear I expect we start as friends.

Makes sense. If I was ever approached, I don't think I'd pick up on it either, or know what to do. It would still be nice though.

I do agree that physical attractiveness is probably the most important factor in determining how many guys will approach you. But I think it also depends on how you 'hold' yourself. I mean, I'm no hottie but I'm certainly not hideous either and I always try to look presentable. A person whose opinion I hold in high regard once told me that the reason I've never had any experience with the opposite sex has 'nothing to do with how I look'. It's probably due to the fact that I don't get out much, and when I do, I tend to be quite shut off and don't really give off an approachable vibe.

I think it's a little more than just physical appearance, though it's probably the biggest determinant.

I doubt that, as someone else mentioned, some guys think they are God's gift to women.

Guys opinion here: honestly I find it a whole lot easier to approach shy girls, I'm assuming that most AS girls at least come off as being shy. I don't like feeling like I'm in competition with girls with my confidence. I don't enjoy being around girls that are completely full of themselves come off as condescending, no thanks I like to feel like as much of a man as possible. So for me shy girl's or at least girls that aren't so "in your face" are the approachable type for me, even if I have to pry a little for some words.

These are just truisms, based upon experience:

Guys usually have to approach girls.

Some guys find it awkward when a girl approaches them.

Girls sometimes find it awkward to approach guys--they feel "cognitively dissonant" or a vague feeling that it goes "against the grain.

All this is changing--but really at a glacial pace.

Many of them not only they expect you to make the first move, but they also expect you to make the 2nd...3rd.... nth.

It gets absolutely frustrating to keep up.

Well, they do it because they can. If you don't want to make all the moves, another suitor will, so why would they bother to make any move themselves?

Just today, I was running some errands with my son and we went to lunch together along the way. While at the restaurant, I was eyed by three different guys (all there with their own kids, presumably single dads though I don't know for sure.) I think they assumed I was a single mom.

I believe one even took a place at a table purposefully so that we could make eye contact. It was impossible not to! I even had to purposefully look around, even at the ceiling, to make sure I didn't look at that guy and accidentally give off some vibe like I had "noticed" him.

Am I offended? Only when I get whistles and comments... I generally don't mind looks. I haven't been "approached" in a long time because my wedding ring kinda says I'm not available.

In the instances today, if I wanted to get any of those guys to approach me, all I would have needed to do is flash a smile. If I smiled at any of those guys, I probably would have gotten myself a conversation, and then who knows.

Is it all looks? Yes and no. I think only ugly women wouldn't be approached. I really don't think it takes much.

Do *I* get more looks (and in earlier times, approaches) because of my looks? I don't know... I've had mixed feedback on my looks. Even now, I wonder what the deal is. I'm OK in attractiveness, but I'm overweight by a significant amount - just everything is proportional and in the proper place. I'm not bulging out all which ways so I don't necessarily look bad, just big.

Another thing... I have *never* been approached by any guy ever who has been one of the popular ones or a jock. They have always been shy guys or guys who don't really fit in so well. I could even tell today that those guys eyeing me were not so "typical". So, I think that there's something about me that atypical guys find attractive, but typical guys do not.

It's not just about looks, but decent looks help. Other things are involved, too.

I relate to a combination of things said here:

I get eyed/ogled all the time. I hate it. What am I supposed to do? Wear a tent? I feel like I can't leave the house in t-shirts anymore. I have to wear shirts or tops with some sort of structure.

I don't really get any serious invites or conversations though.



Same here. I get my sister passing on compliments to me second hand. Things people have said about me looking good, but she thinks that men don't do anything other than be passive around me because they don't know that I'm interested in them and don't think I like them at all. I have no idea how to be more inviting. Half of my face doesn't work as well which doesn't help with the smiling, not sure if it's as serious as Bell's Palsy, I notice it in photographs, but it takes a lot of effort to make both sides of my face smile. Maybe I look smug.

Haven't you just said you hate being ogled? It sounds like smart men can tell you're fed up with their interest and leave you alone.

If you look anything like your avatar, it's hard not to secretly want to hug you and try to find out what kind of meditation you're engaged in, and slowly kiss your neck meanwhile.

Secretly, because saying it aloud makes you look as much like a fool as I should do just about now. Then again, the mileage of those who aren't as desperate as I am may vary.

I'm not ugly. I almost never get approached. Guys look at me, sure. I get into conversations and flirt etc. with guys when there is a mutual greeting (e.g. we are sitting opposite each other on the train or some other scenario where the interaction doesn't require a proactive "approach" from one party), sure. But a guy approaching and initiating conversation out of the blue, without me having to do anything? That would be a very unusual situation to be in.

I don't have guys coming up to me all the time just because I exist and am female, which is what I'm addressing in the original post. It seems a number of you do, so perhaps you are friendlier that you realise, or are doing something else subconsciously that invites the men over, or perhaps you live in the US where men are generally more forward? Who knows...

Do we classify an approach as coming up to talk with obvious romantic intent or as a flat asking out? Because the first is a handful of times: two men, and one woman. All drunk. The second is never. Which, from the later discussions, probably means I'm ugly if only drunk people flirt with me. What a depressing thought. Oh, well~

As for the question of how I feel being approached: terrified and completely confused. But, really, that's because I find drunk people scary and unpredictable. And the one drunk guy's pickup line was: "I've been watching you all night." Which, let's be honest, is kind of nightmare inducing. I don't know what'd it be like if it was a non-intoxicated person, but it sounds flattering.

I agree with Yellowtamarin. From my experiences, being a woman doesn't magically make dating any easier: I've never been asked out, been only approached by drunk people, and my own attempts at approaching guys have always ended in rejection. So, I wish it was as easy as just being female, but it's not. And I'm in the USA, so I'm not thinking that theory holds either.

I think there's a lot of interaction before words are spoken.

This is what I was getting at with the smiling. The guys looked at me. I noticed it. This was the first step. After that, my reaction to their looking at me is going to determine what they do next. If I smile, then I'll likely get the "approach." If I don't smile, then chances are I won't. No guy is going to dare go for a girl if she doesn't give some kind of signal that she welcomes it (unless the guy is full of himself and thinks he's God's gift to the world.)

Body language is so very important in these steps before words are spoken.

I highly recommend the website, www.bodylanguageproject.com

Read up on smiling and "open" body language. If you can't smile easily, maybe some other open body language will help. Something that invites the approach after the initial look. Approaches aren't necessarily "romantic intent." I honestly don't even know if I can define that... I've never been asked out the first time I've talked to a guy. It's always been a guy "testing the waters" to get to know me a little. (Again, I have always had a lot of guy friends, so it hasn't always been romantic interest. Sometimes the interest ended at friendship.)

This is how I feel about looks: looks don't hurt. They don't draw unwanted attention to me. It is a private thing - the guy looked at me. I may or may not have noticed. If I noticed, it is still private. Undue attention is comments, whistles, and gestures that other people hear/notice. If the guy does any of that, he's a jerk. In fact, looks have become more of a confidence booster now that I'm getting older.

When I was in high school, I had my eyes on a guy friend of mine. He "friendzoned" me, lol. One time when we were at a band festival we went to an amusement park and rode some rides together. He actually said to me, "You know, you actually can be fun. I didn't know that", and basically admitted that after years of knowing me he might have actually dated me if I he had known I had a fun side. All because I don't smile much. A guy I know now will barely talk to me if I am not smiling much. Maybe guys find women who don't smile to be scary.

I don't often smile on my own accord. If someone smiles at me first and I like the person/find that person friendly, I will smile back. But when I have to *think* about smiling, I feel it is fake and don't do it. This is a problem. It even affects the relationships I have with people I know. My son will even ask constantly if something is wrong just because I am not smiling.

It is usually either anxiety or being preoccupied with something I'm thinking about that prevents me from smiling.

Okay, see I was basing it on a guy approaching without the woman having to do anything. The example I recalled in the original post was a boy walking up to talk to me, whom I hadn't even noticed until that point, and hitting on me. So I was guessing that that might have happened to me a small handful of other times in my life but I can't think of any (apart from in clubs etc. where alcohol is involved).

I'm fairly confident with flirting, when I choose to do it. That takes effort on my part, though, which I think is different to "all you have to do is be female and guys will approach you", as though every woman gets hassled by guys just coming up to them, unwarranted, on a regular basis, and then we can just pick and choose between them as we please. This is not at all my experience of being a woman.

So, it's completely possible I've been sending the wrong body language signals the entire time? Hah, and here I thought it was all about smiling and pretending the guy is funny even when he's really not. Thanks for the awesome resource!


I wonder if they've been watching the street harassment videos that have been trending lately? It's unwanted attention, but I suppose to people who are desperate enough to be jealous of such a thing, it does kind of look like women don't have to do anything and get harassment attention for it.

++ The grass is always greener on the other side and the internet is the land of sweeping generalizations.

I don't flirt. Never have, except for with one person and that was unintentional. (Didn't even know until then that I *could* flirt!)

I understood the "approach" to be the initial contact. Which, for me, has always been the guy. He gave the initial look and initiated the conversation. Any part in it that I did have was a response to the initial look. But, still, this was just a response not an initiation. I may not have always known I was giving a response.

I've never had hoards of men looking at me or approaching me. It happens from time to time. When I was younger, I wasn't getting asked out left-and-right. I took the original question to be "do guys approach you?" And, my answer is yes. I didn't have to hunt down a guy to get a relationship. That didn't mean that I was able to pick-and-choose from a number of guys, it just meant that I didn't have to approach. It also doesn't mean that I didn't go for a time without guys wanting to have a relationship with me, only that all my relationships started because a guy approached me.

Maybe it happens more often for me than for other women. In my original response, I talked about how I've always had guy friends from a very young age and was a tomboy growing up. I'm more relaxed around guys than around other women. My guess is that I am doing something in my body language (don't know what - haven't really analyzed) that is communicating that I am easy to approach.

Again, that website is very helpful. http://www.bodylanguageproject.com

I'll hop on and see if I can figure out if I am doing anything that says "come talk to me, guys!"