My wife is asexual

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All of this has been discussed by my wife and myself and none of it hasn't already been dismissed.

She hates the notion that her lack of libido is in any way in her head but I maintain the brain is the biggest sex organ there is. Without it, there would be no procreation. I suppose with even the ganglion necessary to relay messages would still be running off some form of instinct...

So yeah, she's unwilling to entertain that it might be hormonal. Her decision and I respect it, right or wrong. I'm her partner, that's what we do.

She has considered and is accepting of the possibility that depo provera may have caused her drop in libido. He was on it after she gave birth and before I got a vasectomy.

If she's seldom turned on by anything (except having a little too much wine) and then she's an animal but completely sober, she might give in to, "I'm tired of being asked so I'll get it over with now so I don't have to hear it again in three months."

And I don't know that much about female anatomy pertaining to the vulva and the nervous system and the endocrine system but can women squirt and squeeze their pc muscles so tight, you can't retract your penis when they fake orgasm?

See, that's the thing, I can tell when she's enjoying herself and when she's REALLY ENJOYING herself and that's above and beyond pride. It's being a sensitive and generous lover. I'm like, "why wouldn't someone want orgasms that intense on a regular basis? The dopamine kick just doesn't seem to evoke the pleasure center for some reason. I quite imagine that sh'e be immune to most if not all types of chemical addiction. Smoking. Except smoking. Just another case against tobacco: "It's so addictive that even someone with a malformed hypothalamus can get hooked!"

But whatever.

I just thought that maybe someone else's spouse is asexual as well and we could share notes (not too detailed) about how you cope with the dry spells (pun intended).

I make no apologies for being so sexually charged. I'm bisexual, I can pleasure myself a number of ways. Just wanted to know where your energy goes.

So yeah, wasn't interested in your first semester pop sci 101 analysys of my wife's brain.

From what you say she doesn't sound asexual (to me).

Depo provera, the pill and other hormonal contraceptives are famous for obliterating the libido in many women. (Been there, done that) Were things significantly different when she didn't use it?

You are right, the worst thing you could do would be to pressure or emotionally blackmail her to "accommodate" your needs, you might get sex 10 times a year and irremediably destroy aspects of your relationship that are a lot more important. I'm stunned to see a poster implying that it's a espousal duty to have sex against your will

I'd say it's worth discussing things further with her, or go to a councillor to help the both of you sort things out. If she's asexual you're obviously able to cope with it, but if she's not and something else is hindering your sex life, you both might end up regretting missing out. In our case, the dry spell was followed by our naughtiest years

Good luck any way and ignore the circus, it's a feud that has nothing to do with you

Thanks for the detailed information. It sounds like a familiar situation. She clearly enjoys it during the act, but then it's just not a priority for quite some time. There's always something more pressing. It sounds like she's digging her heals in about whether it's something she needs to work on. Your unhappiness is your problem, and not hers.

There are thousands of pop-psych explanations people could make up, but that doesn't help you.

You want advice on the dry spells. I wish I could help you. Mr. Right and Mr Left can only help in the short term. It's a tough situation because there isn't a single socially-approved solution. There's some real hypocrisy there. We're in a society where 1/5 of the married men were on AshleyMadison (and presumably 4/5 were finding girlfriends some other way), but we like to cover our eyes and ears and pretend monogamy works for everyone.

Mr. Right and Mr. Left are my two best friends.

Yeah, she doesn't even masturbate and I found that to be my first clue.

No, it's not, and no, you don't. I've heard of lying to people to make them feel better, but you're lying to make yourself feel better.

Look, OP, I believe you when you say your wife asexual (hell, from a statistical pov, I'd be more surprised if she wasn't), but obviously the lack of sex is bothering you, otherwise you wouldn't have posted this thread. Try to get your wife to understand this and reach a compromise with her. If she isn't willing to have sex with you, then she should be open to the possibility of a sexual surrogate. If she isn't, then she doesn't really care about you or your needs.

Since you are bi then ask her if she would like a M-M-F threesome; or maybe even M-F-F if she has any bi tendencies.

I heard yesterday a lesbian acquaintance complaining "Why so many women on Tinder are seeking for a woman for her bf to f**k?? -___-"

Maybe she just needs more exercise. Lack of physical activity can really torpedo the libido.

Oh, and yes women can fake an orgasm. We can move those muscles around as much as we like, whenever we choose.

suggested and rejected. Thanks though.

And I didn't quote but the last poster: Yeah, we're mighty out of shape. We could both stand to lose a few.

It's called "Unicorn hunting."



Ok. That's something you might be able to work with. Maybe suggest you both start participating in a walking/running group. The exercise and social activity might both help. It's not a quick fix, and I'm suspecting that she'll stonewall that as well, but it's worth a shot.

All I know is, I have no idea how the f**k you deal with that. I couldn't continue a relationship where it was that infrequent and there's no desire to find out if there's something wrong. I mean if that's how it was when you "signed up" then that's the terms of the agreement. If it wasn't, that's where I'd have a huge issue with it. But you are evidently a much better man than I. Good job on self control. I've fought with my wife before for only doing it once a week.

I believe it IS a spouses duty to satisfy their mate. This is emotionally, mentally and physically. For those suggesting it's not a spouses job, would you also agree then that it's not a spouses' job to be emotionally supportive? I mean, if I decide that my wife's emotional struggles are too inconvenient for me to deal with, am I within my rights to simply ignore her when she speaks of any problems? Am I within my rights to not talk to her but two or three times per year? I don't think anyone in their right mind would. If you do agree with that then you have no idea what a relationship is about for the vast majority of people.

My point is, sex is a valuable part of the whole. None of the major needs can be neglected. I personally am a firm believer in monogamy, I can't imagine for a second how a relationship works any other way. But thats just me. However from that perspective, Im committing to someone, and expected to not have my needs met elsewhere. It's highly selfish as far as I am concerned to expect I do not seek satisfaction. I personally don't like masturbation. It's boring to me. I often start and cant finish. It's very unsatisfying. So not having sex, to me, is like not doing anything to meet that part of my needs. To me sex is inseparable from being very close to someone. I've never slept with someone I didn't intend to try and get serious with. But as with many things, sexual beliefs are far ranging. Outside of religious beliefs there is no wrong.

As NerdyGirl suggested, my first thought was maybe she wasn't being satisfied so it was uninteresting to her. However if Grue, you say this is not true, then I believe it. It's just a shame to have to live with that. At least, putting myself in your shoes I'd seriously contemplate suicide. Totally honest.

Guess it's a good thing you got that legal weed. You need something. And if the only way your wife gets horny is to drink wine, why haven't you started a vineyard?????

It is interesting how sex has a depreciated value in our relationships. If your spouse needs conversation, comforting, food, even at-home counseling, you're a neglectful spouse if you don't provide it on demand. And you certainly would get away with saying "I'm not interested in talking as much because you're conversational style isn't satisfying for me."

If, on the other hand, your spouse needs validation as a sexual being, sorry. Take a cold shower. No sex is the default. You're even a bad person if you voice your needs too much.

I've been there and I did become seriously depressed and suicidal. It even went so far as to trying to admit myself to a psych clinic. That was a fiasco. Counseling (on my part) helped some. You know, paying a stranger a bunch of money so that you can tell them the kind of secrets you spouse would leave you for telling to a friend. How is that not a violation, but that's considered OK.

Exactly the point I was trying to make. If you just "stopped wanting to" talk or share thoughts with your spouse, that'd be considered almost criminal- as it should. But sex? That's ok. Nope, go jerk off. Sorry that's just not at all fair. If that is any spouse's attitude to their unsatisfied spouse, I contend they simply don't care enough about their spouses needs and doesn't truly love them as much as they claim.

If there's an agreement, then whatever, that's a couples right to decide together what is best for them. When one party has all the deciding power, this is unfair. Sex is very important to some people, and not just to get off. Some people require that validation to feel good about themselves. To ward off self-esteem issues. To comfort them. To maybe help them, oh I dont know, control a dangerous and explosive temper.

If it's mutually agreed to, cool. But let's not act like expecting your spouse to satisfy you physically as part of their commitment is somehow wrong. It's a fair expectation.

People has always had to live with that. It's much easier today with contraceptives and an attitude that sex is a "need", even an "obligation to deliver". I'd say you sexuals are the one's that have an easy time today, while many asexuals are forced to "deliver", or face a breakup. Before contraceptives you sexuals simply had to contain yourselves when the house was already full of kids, and you had no food. Back then asexuals were at an advantage. So stop your ridiculous whining.

Your the one who's whining. I mean it's simple, find someone who wants sex as much as you do (or don't). Sexuality is a part of a properly functioning body. Sex absolutely is a need. Being physically satisfied is equally important to being emotionally satisfied in general though that balance is different from individual to individual. If there's a sudden change in drive, something medical is most likely to blame. This should be addressed by a responsible spouse.

And people were still pulling out long before contraceptives. Not to mention there are plenty of sexual activities that cannot lead to children. I love sex. Really hate kids. Tactical deployment it is. Now my wife also does not want kids. Otherwise it wouldn't work. It's all about being on the same level with these things.

While maybe it's really true for you, I dont know. I don't buy that as many people are as asexual as say they are. I think many of these people have had a bad experience or two that they have taken psychologically and used to create some phobia. Or they are afraid of the feelings that are likely to come along with the sex. Bottom line is if you don't want sex, something is likely broken- we are built to have sex else we wouldn't have organs for it. Now if any individual does not care something is broken that is their right 100%. It is not right to expect someone else to live like that. If you are already committed and this happens, I believe it's part of a spouses commitment to try to solve it, or else it's the other spouses right (or should be) to leave without guilt or fear of recourse. The contract has been broken. If you want to date, date, but marriage IS a contractual obligation whether you like it or not.

It sounds like somebody has a chip on their shoulder. I'm sorry if you've felt like you've had to put up with something distasteful. I'm not sure you can make equivalence with not being able to do something that you consider a part of you.

I HATED having to change diapers, but I drew the line at dropping into support groups for childless women to complain about it and tell them to "stop whining."

I'm also really PO'd that I'm always the one making multiple trips up and down the stairs at bedtime. Everyone needs their special stuffy, their glass of water, their bed time book... I just want to settle down for the evening and yet up and down the stairs I go. Maybe I should tell the next person in a wheelchair I see how lucky they are to get to be the lazy one in the family.

I'm not whining, and I'm not complaining. I'm in a sex-compatible marriage. You were the one whining about women not wanting to deliver as much sex as you wanted.



No, it should be respected by a responsible spouse that people are not always horny and up to sex whenever you feel like it.



That's not a safe contraceptive.



Rights and obligations. For me, relationships comes with no rights or obligations whatsoever. I can accept that I have rights and obligations as a employed worker, and only because I get paid, but there is no such thing in a relationship. If you want the right to sex, seek out a prostitute and PAY for it.