abusive or Aspergers?

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OP, my ex also told me he was aspie after he read about it and realized he had it. He was emotionally abusive and I also thought it was all unintentional because he had it and I had to be more tolerant and let it go. But after reading about narcissism and reading about covert narcissism, I realize he had that and probably not AS. The scary thing is covert narcissism can be misdiagnosed as Asperger's because it is not widely known so someone who doesn't specialize in narcissism might mistake their symptoms for Asperger's and diagnose them with it.

If your partner was abusive, chances are they were a narcissistic and they could have been misdiagnosed. I am not saying they can't have both because I am sure it is possible.

You are posting on a forum that is for people with autism/Asperger's, you do realize that right?

you know, it's funny, but w the last ex, one who assaulted me, I had strong doubts he was really AS, even though he said he was formally diagnosed. I thought he was something other than AS. But since he had been diagnosed as such by a professional, I thought I was mistaken AND somehow required to accept his abuse as his condition. MAY be he isn't AS after all

yes, I know this is an AS forum. I came to find out if the behavior my exes exhibited was indeed abusive or something I should have accepted because I DID accept it for a long time, thinking it was part of the condition and that their behavior wasn't abuse even if it caused me severe distress. One of the exes AND my diagnosed mother would tell me it was their condition, causing me severe confusion.

Said articles are BS, don't believe everything you read on the internet. Actual psychological studies between neurological disorders and personality disorders have found absolutely no connection between aspergers and narcissism. There is actually a NEGATIVE correlation between the two. They did technically find a (very weak) correlation between AS and antisocial personality disorder, but further statistical analysis proved that it was the result of the correlation between AS and ADHD, which in turn is correlated for, and when you control for ADHD AS is negatively correlated with anti-social personality disorder as well. So, it's entirely possibly said boyfriend does in fact have aspergers, but it is NOT what is causing him to be abusive in the manner you are describing. I can see how verbally abusive behavior might be explained by AS though, depends on the manner of the verbal abuse, but definitely not sexual or violent abuse.

Honestly, you sound more AS than your boyfriend. Are you sure you don't have it? Seems plausible considering that your mother has it. Of course, you're attitude might just be the result of having an abusive childhood and thus a skewed view of what is appropriate in a relationship. Regardless, it's clear there is something about your personality that makes you are a target towards abusive men. You should not put up with them, I'm really sorry to hear you got caught up in so many abusive relationships.

With our comments here, hopefully you realize not all of us are psychopath abusers.

I do not have AS or any other mental condition. A psychologist ruled out my having anything. However, I WAS indeed impacted by my abusive childhood, leading me to accept abusive behavior. I have now firmly decided to never again accept such treatment.

yes, these comments ARE helping me process the situation as well as see that AS is not automatically abusive. Someone mentioned comorbid conditions, which may explain the behavior I witnessed in my exes and my mother.

Now it makes sense; that's your template or archetype for a, "loving" relationship. And before anyone climbs on the "AS != abuse", back in the days of my parents childhood/young adulthood (ie when they had us)...they didn't know what was different about themselves. They were AS/ASD people trying to live in a NT world and failing, every day. All the while getting blamed by everyone for having moral failings or just a lack of willpower to be "normal". Under those conditions doling out abuse is still not acceptable, but it can be understood.

I'm an aspie and can't even figure out why someone would want another human being so badly they feel they can't live without them the way I might sometimes badly want a certain new video game or a collectible. Especially so badly they attempt to harm, rape, or abuse that person.

No, it is not, not, NOT a sign of Asperger's. people with Asperger's are no more abusive or violent than non-autistic people, and are in fact more like to become victims of abuse themselves.

OP, Why accept somebody's abusive behavior because they are diagnosed with AS? Abusive behavior is abusive behavior. Do you see how you are setting yourself up for continued abuse by letting people slide if they are diagnosed with AS?

I am not trying to be judgmental, just objective. The behavior is what is important to me, not diagnosis. The behavior is wrong under any circumstances. No exceptions. Do you know how to identify the red flags of a potential abusive partner? Do you know the steps to take to get out of an abusive relationship? Coming from a similar background (abusive parents, being attracted to abusive partners thinking the abuse was normal), these are skills that I have found to be important.

psychologists who deal with abuse survivors (i know this because i've been to a few) say to regularly date a person for six solid months before agreeing to any sort of commitment (moving in together, getting engaged, perhaps even unprotected sex) and watch for the signs detailed in this article:

http://www.newhopeforwomen.org/abuser-tricks

Just like not all people who've been abused become abusers, not all people with AS are abusive; that's the bottom line.

Sounds like rape and abuse to me. You should get some male friends, lure him somewhere, and beat him basically until he's dead. Or stab him repeatedly in his sleep. You can always claim you were abused in courts, and gain sympathy from juries. Chances are this guy has a long history of violence and delinquency, and won't be missed. If you're on medication, you can just blame the medication.

This person is a subhuman monster, and deserves not to live on this earth. Don't get the police involved, because they probably won't do anything.

Handle this vigilante style. Track him. Learn his schedules, stalk him, and find out when he's likely to be alone. Throw a molotov cocktail through his window, but make sure you're wearing gloves while you're making it, and when you throw it.

It's us (good) vs. them (bad)

For the record, yes, people with AS can bully. I was bullied by someone with AS, who was actually a friend who turned on me one day - for no reason. I let it go on for long enough, because I didn't know what to make of it. I told the teachers, I told my parents, they called his parents...etc...etc...nothing worked, so I resorted to violence. Violence is the only thing that works against bullies. He was terrified of me for years, after I dealt with him. I was friends with his brother, and he was too scared to come out of his room, even if I wished to exchange warm words of peace.

I can understand why people might see vigilante action as a solution. Advocating it here or anywhere disturbs me. What if (say) the vigilante gang mistake identity and inflict terrible suffering on an innocent person, also destroying that person's future and harming the wellbeing of his family in serious ways? What if the victim of vigilante violence chooses to up the ante and arranges the murder of the person they suspect of setting the gang on them? I get that people like revenge because it feels good to the perpetrator; I shudder when people advocate or see violent revenge as a solution. Chaos unleashed often escalates and spirals in horrific ways.

"Justice is about harmony. Revenge is
about you making yourself feel better.
It's why we have an impartial system".
(from "Batman Begins")

It's not even that it doesn't automatically lead to abusive behavior, it's that there is no connection, at least not with deliberately abusive behavior. That is not to say that autistic people can't be deliberately abusive, it just in no way causes such in itself. The only connection is that autistic people are more likely to be the victims of abusive relationships because they don't understand what is going on, this is especially a problem for autistic women.