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Omg! you sound so much like an NT! I can't say it enough. In the Aspie books for NT's it says to ask your Aspie what they are feeling because NT's can't read what their Aspie is feeling and its usually NT's that are craving more physical affection in an Aspie/NT relationship (there are exclusions, of course). Whether you need affection or can't read expressions is not the point, dude. You're not seeing the bigger picture of what you're doing. You are making a plan and already have it in your mind that you need a "backup" and that all Aspie marriages fail. Now you're putting your plan into motion by seeking out possible "backups". You've made and are now executing the wrong plan. You and your wife should be seeking counciling with someone who deals in Aspie/NT marriages and trying to fix your current relationship problems instead of finding a remedy in another relationship that's only going to create more problems. I don't see your logic and aren't Aspies supposed to be logical? To me it sounds like you've already given up on your current relationship and want to move on. You think you're going to understand the next woman any better than your wife or that the next woman will understand you better than your wife? To me it sounds like you're using the Aspie situation (stats of Aspies marriages failing) to get out if your marriage. Honestly, if you don't want to see a therapist with your wife, then let her go before you really hurt her by cheating.

I don't think Aspergian/NT is the problem here. I don't know him well but to me he always sounded like he didn't have many women during his life and it bothers him a lot. However this is not a healthy and mature approach to a relationship, especially if marriage and kids are involved.

That's wrong, and especially from the POV of neurodiversity, where you at best might end up. The truth is, there is no sane research on the marriage and marriage failure rates of AS. Especially not that is relevant for the high functioning part of it. So you can forget that your "plan" is a necessity based on marriage failure rates. You are just using that as an excuse.

The only peculiarity I've seen when researching relationships is that neurodiverse people tend to get lower attachment after having been a long time in a relationship, while NTs have attachments that grows steadily. I'm not sure why this is, but it could be related to how attachments are built.

I don't think that is typical NT male behavior. More likely typical male behavior.

Did your Aspie/NT book cover how Aspies cannot read the non-verbal cues of NTs, or anyone else? That is the hallmark of Asperger's, which means I cannot determine how my wife (or anyone else) is feeling towards me unless they verbally tell me, or use very obvious non-verbal cues, like hugging or kissing me. I don't know why this is so hard for you to understand. If your book didn't cover this, then it isn't that great of a book.

My NT wife knows how I feel about her, because I tell her. I also express it in ways that are pretty obvious also. I happen to be one of the exclusions that you mention, in that I am craving more affection than my wife does. Read up on Adult Attachment styles sometime. I have an anxious attachment style, my wife (who really is an NT) has an avoidant attachment style. In the book I am using for my Human Development class (a graduate class) here is how the two styles are described:

Anxious-finds others are often reluctant to get as close as they would like. Often worry that their partner doesn't really love them, or won't want to stay with them. More controlling and intrusive in their caregiving than secure partners are. Likely to view sexual relations as a way of avoiding rejection and strengthening their attachment. Expect rejection from their partners and that their intimacy needs will be unmet.

Avoidant-somewhat uncomfortable being close to others. Finds it difficult to trust them completely, difficult to allow themselves to depend on others. Nervous when anyone gets too close, and often love partners want them to be more intimate than they feel comfortable being. They tend to provide less physical comfort to their partners and their care tends to be less sensitive and nurturing. With primary romantic partners they engage in sex less frequently that securely attached individuals. They expect partners to cling and overwhelm them with
demandingness.

I took this book to my last therapy appointment (with the therapist who seems both of us individually) and read this to her. She said the anxious attachment style definitely described me, and the avoidant attachment style definitely described my wife. The book goes on to say that amongst insecurely attached individuals, the anxious almost always ends up with an avoidant partner. I guess that says that I almost had to end up with someone like my wife.

The therapist also went on to say that my wife never brings up our marriage in her therapy session as she is very happy with it and doesn't see any problems in it.

I hope this makes things a little clearer. You can believe it, or you can not believe it. You can believe that I am not an Aspie because I like affection, and I wish you were right, I would love to not have Asperger's. Unfortunately I do. You can believe that my wife cannot be an NT because she likes less affection than I do, but she is. There are lots of other disorders besides Asperger's that makes people uncomfortable with physical affection. And not all Aspies have sensory issues that makes touch uncomfortable for them. I guess I am lucky in that when they were handing out Asperger's, at least I didn't get that symptom.

Attempting to secure a backup relationship is a 'normal' stage that many people pass through during their journey to emotionally mature relationships. It is one of the earlier stages, so we should definitely encourage him to be more mature about the process. But it is a pretty common thing for many people at some point in their life.

That makes sense, as I am not a real mature person yet. I am 48-almost 49- but I don't feel like I am middle aged yet. I barely feel like I am an adult. Gets me in trouble sometimes when people expect me to act all "grown up"

Where'd you get that information from? I've never heard such crap. Just another reason for me to stay single since it's so "normal" that my SO will cheat on me later on.

I first heard the idea from a Relationship counselor several years ago (we were speaking professionally, she was not treating me). One of the first things she explained is that relationship maturity is usually separate from regular emotional maturity; you can be almost any age and have a completely different relationship maturity than traditional maturity.

You may be familiar with a few behaviors from early phases of relationship maturity:
Belief that the early stages of attraction are a deep and lasting love.
Belief that every action your partner takes is somehow related to you.

But two behaviors closer to the middle are:
Start searching for an alternative when your current relationship is having issues.
Keeping your current partner in a relationship until something better comes along.

These tend to be most common for people in their 20s (but remember that relationship maturity is different for everyone), and allows the individual to take the time to secure another relationship before releasing the current one.

But don't worry, Angela. It is only "normal" in the sense that most (not all) people move through this stage on the way to greater relationship maturity.

What that tells me is that's just a way to say it's ok to cheat on a spouse. If you're not happy in your current relationship then either fix it or let them go so they can find someone else too.You end one relationship before starting another. This going-behind-your-partner's-back BS to find a "backup" is acting immature if you ask me. I'm tired of people being given the green light for cheating.

I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence, but I absolutely agree with the second. Not terminating relations with your partner before moving on can be very disrespectful and immature. While most people do it at some point in their lives, the behavior should not be encouraged.

What makes you the relationship expert that you know more than anyone else, and anything that you don't agree with is crap?

Look, why don't you just go find a "backup" and cheat on your wife already, cause we all know that's what you want to do. I'm done wasting my time on this thread - don't address me anymore.

What occurs in greater relationship maturity?

I would guess that "greater relationship maturity" involves being committed to the person you are married to, through thick and thin, through all the trials and tribulations which are inevitably a part of marriage, and even through less sexual desire on the part of the wife.

Now....just because somebody exhibits "greater relationship maturity" doesn't mean that somebody is perfect. This person might only be "mature" within the context of his relationship. He might be a total boob otherwise.