What unusual things are attractive to you in a partner?
The_Face_of_Boo
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I didn't say they like insensitive jerks, you are putting words in my mouth now, and you have totally twisted the meaning of what I said.
I said they don't like men to show any weakness, know the difference in the meaning; they want (good) men who show no weakness.
And I am not talking about lifelong depression cases - that's a totally different subject, I was saying, in my experience, as a man, if I show or express a weakness even for a very short while, women dismiss it in the way I explained in the previous post, men do the same to other men; so obviously they generally don't like it. And I am sure many men sensed that.
Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 10 Mar 2016, 9:06 am, edited 1 time in total.
MissAlgernon
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I don't know if this is really something specific to dating then. More society in general, encouraging everyone to be insecure with showing emotions. "If you show emotions, you'll be eaten alive"... I was raised that way too, and if I have kids, I'd definitely not want to teach them that. It'd be unhealthy for them both in everyday life and in relationships. Especially in relationships actually, as not showing emotions can cause so many misunderstandings and intimacy issues.
The_Face_of_Boo
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Sweetleaf
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In fact, the moment a man shows a weakness or a vulnerability ie. crying, he gets scorned and get labeled crybaby or whiner by women. I see women in general as being very intolerant toward men's expressions of weakness, they expect men to show positive feelings all the time (like the one you mentioned, loving animals..etc but never weakness).
In my experience, every time I talk about some insecurity to a woman (whether female friend or FWB or whatever) I get dismissed by it and she would be like "be confident" , "it's in your head"..etc. Always very dismissive. Every time I regret opening my mouth about it.
Most of you want the typical manly men showing no weakness and no insecurity, stop lying to yourselves....
Quit assuming all women are carbon copies of the ones you've had unpleasant interactions with. Also stop accusing women here of lying about what they find attractive when it doesn't fit what you think the general view of women must be it's obnoxious as hell. Yes some people think any sign of weakness is terrible, some of them are women....Not all women think 'any man who shows any weakness is unworthy' I don't think that and no I am not
lying.
And what you think you more about what most females here want, than the females here? A rather bold claim I think.
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The_Face_of_Boo
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Quit assuming all women are carbon copies of the ones you've had unpleasant interactions with. Also stop accusing women here of lying about what they find attractive when it doesn't fit what you think the general view of women must be it's obnoxious as hell. Yes some people think any sign of weakness is terrible, some of them are women....Not all women think 'any man who shows any weakness is unworthy' I don't think that and no I am not
lying.
And what you think you more about what most females here want, than the females here? A rather bold claim I think.[/quote]
I said most, you what most means? besides by 'you' , I was referring to MissAlgeron because she said "I really like sensitive guys. Not the kind of fragile person who cries all the time, " - now I dunno what she means by crying all time because this certainly would be problematic and unattractive, but I think the 'all time' part was an exaggeration to express how much she dislikes fragility in men, my gut feeling says that she wouldn't like any kind of fragility, even temporarily, in men - which is the case of most women I have ever seen so far.
Men/boys are generally more stressed to live by this code, especially for all weakness-related emotions (whereas emotions related to power and romance are encouraged) this is an undeniable cross-cultural social fact proven by many social studies.
Women generally can express weakness all fine, men...not much, even in the most trivial matter.
For example...If for a moment I looked in the mirror, and expressed concern or sadness about my balding, the *usual* women's response to that (based on experience, I am not inventing this) would be "you are a man, it's not a big deal". There was no instance where I showed or opened up about some weakness/vulnerability (Whether it is something big or trivial) to a woman, only for the latter to dismiss and ridicule it - something that I don't do it to them when they expressed weakness. So yeah, this certain affects dating too.
We are pattern-observant people here, and this is a pattern I have seen a lot.
MissAlgernon
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I was referring to a conversation I had with my boyfriend a few years ago, where I told him how I liked his strong sensitivity but noticed that he repressed expressing his feelings, so I'd like him to express his feelings a bit more if he wanted to, and he answered something basically like "I don't want to show my emotions too much, like crying and those sort of things, because others don't like it and view it as effeminate". What I was referring to was that the main issue isn't as much men refusing to show emotions, although this has a role to play, but the main issue is that most men were raised to refuse to feel emotions. Not just to refuse to show them, but worse, to repress emotions, to be unemotional, insensitive. Almost like some kind of sociopath. And that's terribly unhealthy and absolutely unattractive. Not having strong emotions is the worst turn-off I can imagine in my relationship and a major deal breaker.
Everyone has different needs, but I definitely couldn't be with someone who doesn't have a sensitive personality, that makes him feel strong emotions. Of course this is something that fluctuates in a lifetime, but sensitivity is extremely important to me and how much this sensitivity is expressed is secondary to me, even though it has its role to play but it's less important in comparison.
So, stop misinterpreting my posts, please.
Sweetleaf
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Men/boys are generally more stressed to live by this code, especially for all weakness-related emotions (whereas emotions related to power and romance are encouraged) this is an undeniable cross-cultural social fact proven by many social studies.
Women generally can express weakness all fine, men...not much, even in the most trivial matter.
For example...If for a moment I looked in the mirror, and expressed concern or sadness about my balding, the *usual* women's response to that (based on experience, I am not inventing this) would be "you are a man, it's not a big deal". There was no instance where I showed or opened up about some weakness/vulnerability (Whether it is something big or trivial) to a woman, only for the latter to dismiss and ridicule it - something that I don't do it to them when they expressed weakness. So yeah, this certain affects dating too.
We are pattern-observant people here, and this is a pattern I have seen a lot.
If she dislikes any fragility in men whatsoever I don't see why she would have posted that she likes sensitive guys.
Also when it comes to the internet I give more value to what people actually post/say than whatever random gut feeling might pop up...as I don't want to go around accusing people of lying about personal preferences based on essentially nothing.
I know even going back in society there's been a heavier expectation of males to be the strong confident ones, whereas the same is not expected from women...though then women have been expected to be more emotional/sensative, physically weaker and more timid, basically your classic gender roles. However I think in this day and age a lot of that is being challenged a lot more and less people expect males and females to fit these respective stereotypes.
I am not doubting your experience, just suggesting it doesn't reflect the view of 'most' women here. I think I've maybe seen one or two females here who have ever implicated they expect males to be nothing but strength and confidence over the course of my time here, perhaps a poll can be done...
Of course if you're assuming most of us are lying if we don't express that ridiculous expectation then I can see why it feels like pretty much all women think that way when combined with your unpleasant past experiences with women.
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The_Face_of_Boo
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^^
All the emotions she mentioned that she likes in men are positive emotions ie. "loves animals, children and cute things ; and even more, who values empathy, altruism, feelings" - this isn't the same as showing weakness: emotions like expressing sadness, opening up about anxieties, fear ...etc.
Culture and media encourages men to express emotions related romance and power, but not weakeness.
She talked unfavorably about crying and fragility in men for instance.
MissAlgernon, your boyfriend is wise , he figured out exactly what I have figured out - how often he expressed his weaknesses after you told him that? Did something change?
Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 10 Mar 2016, 10:46 am, edited 1 time in total.
Showing sadness and fear does not make one weak: it shows that they are able to express their emotions instead of hiding them.
"Crying when you need to cry is another way of showing strength." --Fai Fluorite, Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle
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MissAlgernon
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All the emotions she mentioned that she likes in men are positive emotions ie. "loves animals, children and cute things ; and even more, who values empathy, altruism, feelings" - this isn't the same as showing weakness: emotions like expressing sadness, opening up about anxieties, fear ...etc
She talked unfavorably about crying and fragility in men for instance.
MissAlgernon, your boyfriend is wise , he figured out exactly what I have figured out - how often he expressed his weaknesses after you told him that? Did something change?
Not much more. On the contrary, I told him that it would make communication between us easier if he expressed his emotions a bit more, as I said on a previous post.
BUT as I said before, what I find attractive isn't as much men who openly express their emotions as much as men who don't try to actively repress their emotions to desperately try to become sociopaths like society dictates them to. Men who know that their emotions are something important and who don't try to make them shameful. And being proud to have emotions is a good thing. Yes, even negative emotions.
We both have faced chronic depression problems. Do you think that if I were so intolerant of negative emotions, I'd desire to spend the rest of my life with a man who I've always known has regularly been victim of depression episodes just like me ? No, I'd run away from anyone like that.
I grew up with two brothers, and often saw that they had to "suck it up and deal with it".
Out of curiosity, how would you want someone to respond to this?
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The_Face_of_Boo
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I know first hand that if I hold my emotions in, I'll just end up having a meltdown and/or crying at school, and I'll just create more problems for myself. Anyway, could we get back on topic here? I'm getting kind of tired of all the arguing.
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Sweetleaf
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All the emotions she mentioned that she likes in men are positive emotions ie. "loves animals, children and cute things ; and even more, who values empathy, altruism, feelings" - this isn't the same as showing weakness: emotions like expressing sadness, opening up about anxieties, fear ...etc.
Culture and media encourages men to express emotions related romance and power, but not weakeness.
She talked unfavorably about crying and fragility in men for instance.
MissAlgernon, your boyfriend is wise , he figured out exactly what I have figured out - how often he expressed his weaknesses after you told him that? Did something change?
So then it would make sense to ask for clarification before jumping on the assumptions and even telling them they're lying based on simple pre-conceived notions you have. But from her most recent post that specifics more I definitely get the impression that shes not intolerant of a guy expressing sadness or anxieties and fears, quite the contrary actually.
And she specified 'crying all the time' even you said that sounded like it would be problematic. I mean at best it was maybe redundant since people probably wouldn't think by sensitive she meant someone who cries all the time...I don't think it meant she only likes if guys express sensitivity about positive things.
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The_Face_of_Boo
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Ok, maybe that wasn't the best example because It fails to show the mocking/sarcastic tone in writing that I intended to show.
I would prefer my sadness moment to not be mocked or instantly dismissed; if things were reversed, for example if she complains about new white hair, I would certainly not say something like this, I wouldn't say something like "it's no big deal, you're a woman, you can dye it" -maybe I would remain silent but that's better than dimissing her concern/sad moment.
Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 10 Mar 2016, 11:17 am, edited 2 times in total.
The_Face_of_Boo
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All the emotions she mentioned that she likes in men are positive emotions ie. "loves animals, children and cute things ; and even more, who values empathy, altruism, feelings" - this isn't the same as showing weakness: emotions like expressing sadness, opening up about anxieties, fear ...etc.
Culture and media encourages men to express emotions related romance and power, but not weakeness.
She talked unfavorably about crying and fragility in men for instance.
MissAlgernon, your boyfriend is wise , he figured out exactly what I have figured out - how often he expressed his weaknesses after you told him that? Did something change?
So then it would make sense to ask for clarification before jumping on the assumptions and even telling them they're lying based on simple pre-conceived notions you have. But from her most recent post that specifics more I definitely get the impression that shes not intolerant of a guy expressing sadness or anxieties and fears, quite the contrary actually.
And she specified 'crying all the time' even you said that sounded like it would be problematic. I mean at best it was maybe redundant since people probably wouldn't think by sensitive she meant someone who cries all the time...I don't think it meant she only likes if guys express sensitivity about positive things.
Is there a human who cries all the time, Sweatleaf? Does such man exist? (even those with clinicsl depression don't cry all time), is it something common?
Taking this literally would reflect a comical character that exists only in fictional comedy; so anyone saying that certainly doesn't mean it literally.
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