Terrified of being in a relationship - aspie trait or me?

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So true! It depends more on emotional availability than age (she realized after a few sleepless nights filled with soul searching).

And again spot on kraftiekortie, finding someone who understands the job and the intensity of pursuing one's passion would most likely be advantageous!

But no more stressing for now, it's back to full-on hyperfocus on my work ! Recharging the batteries and all that good rot .

Forget about if you're 'ready' or not.

Plenty of people in this world who have relationships yet AREN'T ready, and plenty who are fully ready and would make a great partner but can't find someone.

The best thing to focus on, is just whether you're happy with your relationship or not.

True but my 'readiness level' causes panick attacks so if I tried to be in a relationship at the moment, so that could prove fatal if I tried now
Maybe some a priori therapy will help!

But not now. Realistically, opening up that can of worms might require some intense treatment . It has been about 28 years of boxing everything up an started relying on logic and rationality, as a coping/survival tactic / just my nature... Actually not really sure why since I've been that way as long as I can remember: I never played much and only cared for a few - like max 15 at a time - select people enough to feel for them. [A trait for which I've been called an NT wannabe on this site btw - really fun and helpful.] It's just the only way I know to figure out the world around me. I do know that traumatic events (e.g. finding my dad after his aneurysm and having to decline life support like he made me promise a few years before) can still hit me like a ton of bricks if something triggers them and then I go into hysterical crying and fetal position mode.

Wow that evolved into a rant. Mea culpa!! ! Please disregard if you feel like it! Let's just keep it at: IQ good EQ majorly deficient

To me, rants are okay--as long as they are not directed toward some ethnic group or something---or against some gender in general.

Nope, just myself

How would this guy feel about being your friend....that will give the "spark" a chance to develop.

I don't know. But that would be 'friendzoning' if I grasp the concept right. Doesn't sound fair to someone who has already expressed romantic interest... Could be totally wrong here.
Now would actually be a good time to hear from the guys who hate the friendzone! Please let me know what you think!

Nope...this is not friendzoning at all. Friendzoning is when you preclude the guy from ever becoming romantic with you.

In this case, you want romance--but you want to wait a little while. Tell him how you feel about him. But don't want to jump in right away.

True but without knowing a timespan (and like I said I need a while to do the work + won't be able to get into that before my PhD deadline) so it seems much to ask. Add to that the fact that people can change over time. I guess I will leave it up to him!

It seems odd though. Being friends with someone who has romantic feelings for you. A few of my closest friends are men, but purely platonic. I mean, we've slept in the same bed (actually sleeping) after going out for drinks. So I'm pretty sure that the friendships are 100% platonic or it would have happened.

But never tried being friends with someone who claims to 'like-like' me .

What are you going for your doctorate in?

I wish I had the discipline to go for mine.

I have a Bachelor's in speech pathology and English.

Depends. If you feel a need to play normal with this guy, then nothing good will come out of it. I think you should change tactics with him and refuse to play normal, and if he cannot handle that, then you are better off without him (and your problem will be solved). If he can handle it, then chances are he could actually help you relax and might contribute with positive energy instead of draining you further.

So I think your problem is that you are approaching dating from a POV of pretending to be normal, which is a path to failure.

I think that is completely wrong. Neurodiverse people have significantly higher infatuation scores when they have a crush, and that indicates it's the other way around. IOW neurodiverse people are far more "romantic" and put down much more energy in a crush than NTs. That's also why many obsess over their crushes.

That people in relationships need more alone time is not at all inconsistent with this. This happens after the infatuation fades.

One problem with my acting normal: it would be ignoring the world around me with my nose in a book . Even with my family, mentor and close friends, it requires energy to make conversation sometimes: analyzing how they must feel and keeping track of body language and then deducing the appropriate response because language is approximately 30% verbal and 70% non-verbal.
[Unless it's about certain subjects and the conversation partner can keep up ! Those convo's are amazing!]
But when it comes to speaking with my 'closest peoples', they're so dear to me that they're worth the effort

That's why this is so daunting. Insecurity, not too much common ground, novelty, effort, expectations,...

More than ok.

There really is no wrong answer to life. The happiest people in this world do what's best for themselves!

So the best thing to do is ask yourself: what do you need?

Example:

When I met my ex I needed a friends with benefits who enjoyed cuddling and dining out.

When he met me, he wanted to feel important and like he mattered by being in a serious relationship with someone else.

- already our needs and goals were different.

I gave in out of pressure and fear about my future.

if I truly took my needs into account, instead of not wanting to be a bad person or not wanting to make him feel bad or instead of chickening out about being alone, I would not have given in!

Every reason I thought we would never make it were all the things that tore us apart.

My fiance on the other hand, we have some stuff to work on, but the moment I met him I wanted him deeply. I couldn't help it. He was in his 30s and had never dated anyone. His spectrum traits makes him even more shy and withdrawn than me sometimes. He always cut guys off and when he met me he just let go immediately in a way that surprised his entire family.

One night he gave me the talk. The "will you still love me if" talk. He spoke about his anxiety, nerves, health, bad teeth, OCD, bouts of sexual awkwardness.

After that, he told me he loved me, asked me to move in, and we will be married as soon as we pay off some debt.

When I ask him what was the difference between me and them, he said he felt I loved the real him. Apparently many people could only see a cute guy and he knew they wouldn't be able to handle the real him. They liked his social persona. The temporary him that goes away as soon as he can escape! Lol. Plus I don't care that he won't stop working 6 to 7 days a week.

So just be true to yourself. If you are, things turn out ok.

Damnit you made me cry all the happy tears! So happy you found your soulmate!

You cannot keep that up with a partner, at least not if you plan to see him a lot. It will simply kill you.

You know, with compatible people you don't need to do any of those daunting things. You don't need to analyze their body language, you don't need to figure out appropriate responses, and you don't even need to talk more than to convey information. With them it's perfectly ok to be so deeply into a book that you don't react to anything. And it is not hard to start to practise it: Just make an effort to stop analyzing body languages and stop trying to figure out appropriate responses, and be natural.

When it comes to this guy, you already provided the evidence that he is at least partly neurodiverse when you described how he put you on a pedestal, and how he thinks about you. Those traits make it much more likely than with an average guy that he will respond positively if you stop trying to analyse everything he does, and start relaxing and being natural.

You didn't tell us why he was "a catch", but unless he is a really handsome, social butterfly, I think there is a good possibility that you two might be compatible, so don't throw that away by trying to analyse him to death as if he was a typical NT guy.

Besides, you should try to be natural with your friends too. Some of them might respond positively to that, while with some you might have to keep game up.