"You'll find love when you stop looking for it."

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See, this doesn't make sense to me.

If I was struggling to secure employment, after applying for a fair amount of jobs, and I was getting frustrated and depressed about failing to get a job, would you tell me to try focussing on something else?

If my comparison doesn't stack up, feel free to tell me why. Otherwise, your logic is lost on me.

In truth, one needs a job more than one needs a lover.

When I was about 22 or so, and frustrated to the hilt, I told myself, actually, that I had to start thinking about something else other than the pursuit of a girlfriend. Otherwise, I'd go crazy!

Okay, that's fair.

But what if we apply the same idea to a slightly overweight person who's simply not having any luck shedding their pot belly no matter how much exercising or dieting they do?

Should they just focus on something else?

@Androbot, I think your strategy would work more well with women, as it's much more often that a woman will be asked on a date than the other way around.

The only way I could realistically cut the thought of relationships out of my head would be to dissociate with anything and everything to do with relationships. That would mean severe limitations on what I watch and how I use the internet, as well as not leaving the house for fear of seeing a couple. Would also mean cutting contact with my 18 year-old brother, his girlfriend and their baby.

It would be nice if you were logically sensible enough to accept that there are differences in how aspie men and women experience dating. If the experience was identical you would have the same number and type of complaints coming from both men and women here. The reality is there are differences. It's not about who has it worse in life overall. It's not a pity contest. It seems like you read the "pity contest" thing into everything anyone says.


Maybe some people don't want to just give up. I don't get why you want everyone to give up on romance just because you have.

What about someone already focusing on every possible thing EXCEPT a relationship, and still feeling extremely lonely and wanting one?

I volunteer two days a week, I've recently joined a program for teens with anxiety and other neurodiverse disorders to meet new people and get out of the house, I focus on my hobbies/interests - music and improving every day.

I eat healthy and exercise to gain muscle and an attractive physiqueI meditate anduse a variety of aromatherapy and other new age techniques for stress relief daily.

I have plenty of free time and enjoy it, and I'm on a payment so I'm happy to be getting some money every fortnight

And yet I'm still miserably lonely. It IS the sole source of my depression. You can say I should 'focus on other things in my life' but the only logical solution to loneliness, is to spend time with OTHER PEOPLE, people you enjoy spending time with, as that is the main cause of loneliness - not spending time with people who's company you enjoy.

Otherwise, I'm young, happy and healthy a good amount of the time, but also feel lonely at least once or twice a day everyday.

^

I would agree. If one is slightly overweight and can't get rid of that pot belly, then one should think about other things.

After a certain age, women tend not to care so much if a guy has a bit of a belly anyway. The same for men.

But I don't think "seeming desperate" is always the reason for rejection for everyone. It seems that would be more of a problem for the more outgoing personalities that are high into pursuing. That can be off-putting because the person on the other end can feel the pressure. That's what being "too nice" really means. They can tell that you're desperately expecting something. Nobody wants to be forced and guilt-tripped into going on a date.

To tell the shy guys "don't appear desperate" just stirs unfounded paranoia in their head that undermines confidence. The truth is most people really aren't mind-reading into our emotions and negatively judging us all the time. Sometimes it's nothing you did wrong. Sometimes it's just a matter of chance who is attracted to you. I think it's better to look at it that way than always be thinking "Oh no! What did I do wrong? Did I appear too desperate?". What if it's nothing you "did"? Sometimes it's just impossible to make someone attracted to you no matter how you act. Attraction can be some very surface thing, unfortunately. We are all shallow sometimes. Overthinking and worrying just makes the whole experience worse though.

I think what you say is essentially true.

I've also been rejected many times where I couldn't find the cause. I was once told by a wise woman: "It's not that you're a bad person, I just don't feel that spark with you. I really can't say why I don't want you."

I was really trying to convey my own experience, and how I sort of solved my "problem." I was desperate. I was a shy guy trying to be outgoing, and not succeeding very well at it. I solved the problem by telling myself that I had to convey the fact that I am not just searching for a girl, any girl.

I was a pretty shy guy, too, when I was young. I shook and stuttered when I asked a girl out for my first date. She just laughed it off.

Thanks, kraftie.

Is your overweight person supposed to stay inside and not watch any media for fear of seeing slim people?


Maybe women just don't complain about it as much? See, I can see differences.


Why is going on with your life giving up? It just means you don't obsess about it.


That's not really that much. I feel lonely about every twenty minutes and have to redirect my thinking. Not that any amount of loneliness is pleasant. Sometimes you just have to get on with it, though. Life is painful.

I feel lonely at least a couple of times a day myself.

There are times when I feel profoundly lonely--especially when I'm around crowds of people.

I think feeling lonely a couple of times a day is actually a fairly universal condition.

You can't see how that is sexist? You jump to a blanket character judgment instead of asking "why?".

I can come up with a few couple of answers: men don't have any other outlets? men's pain is worse because there is a greater expectation of them? Perhaps you could tell me.

Anyway, it is a blanket judgment and I don't actually believe it. Just my way of saying that I do recognize differences in the way men and women experience things because of their gender. But it doesn't mean my advice would be any different.

I think there's a difference between feeling lonely at a specific instance and the overall effect of being completely alone (in an emotional sense) over a protracted period of time. It took me years to learn that being alone all the time was the source of my chronic depression. I didn't really realize it at first. I didn't necessarily "feel" lonely. I just noticed myself slipping farther and farther into my own thoughts and feeling more and more alienated from the world. Maybe not everyone experiences this when alone, but it isn't nice to discount it for those who do.

I've felt the way you felt before.

I felt like I was slipping into my own thoughts when I was in my teens and early 20s.

When I was 12 and 13, I had no friends, I stayed home all the time, and I went out alone. I was drifting into something which could have been really destructive for me. I started shoplifting. I don't know what made me snap out of it.

I also felt that way when I was living in Brooklyn in the 1980s. I lived in an apartment with just a mattress. I had a job, luckily--but when I was home, all I did was read books and go out to a diner to eat. That's it. I started getting into a solipsistic mode. I started losing touch with reality. I was so lonely that I considered hanging out with this cab driver who I knew was gay and who I knew liked me.

I also almost ran away at 15 to join a porno outfit, because I thought I needed to make money.

How I didn't get into big trouble, I'll never know. I was lucky, I guess.

I'm not discounting other people's experience. How could I? I don't experience them exactly, though I do approximately.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 09 Mar 2016, 9:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

It's true -- and it applies to anything! For instance, I spent an hour looking for my car keys, yesterday. I finally gave up an decided to finish my dinner. Low an behold, there they were in my soup!