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@Hurtloam: If not for my extremely high sex drive, it would be much easier to eliminate my want for a partner, so I understand what you're going through.

Umm... no, this isn't associated to your Aspie nature, this doesn't mean anything, yellowtamarin - it doesn't mean that you have an AS-Woman-specific thing that prevents guys to approach you in public. Not saying you have it easier or harder but you reasoning for this conclusion is false.

The "Public" is not the venue where males usually approach females - it is something very rare to happen to most women (from a decent guy, harassers/catcallers don't count) - it's not something that "oddly doesn't happen" only for you, hurtloam, cafeaulait and other aspie women, but it doesn't happen to most women, regardless if they're NT, Aspies, beautiful or not.

It is so awkwardly difficult to cross the hall/room/street and say the first words to a complete stranger without sounding like a complete cheeseball, creep or PUA jerk, so 99% of guys simply don't do it, and those who did it usually regret it later and stop it for good.

But if you have often been approached in the places where guys approach women like bars/pubs, gyms (guys often "give a hand" to girls there), friends gatherings, hiking/nature activities, facebook and dating sites ...then you're like other women in that regard, you don't have some kind of "special AS-specific repulsive trait" that prevents guys to approach you and to be interested in you romantically or sexually.

I agree with the rest of your post, especially about being stuck in routine.

Yeah I made a post about this exact thing the other day. What is "approaching"? In my post in this thread I did exclude bars and clubs, yeah there is a lot of approaching going on there. But everywhere else, I've only been approached once, by my definition, the rest of the time it's a mutual thing. You are at a shared activity so at some point you are going to talk to each other. Nobody has to make the bold move to go up and talk to someone, it just happens through the activity. I've met guys at meetup groups because I'm there and we meet, not because one or the other "showed interest in me" or "approached me" or anything like that (in the initial stages I mean. Of course at some point someone has to indicate something, but Hurtloam seems to be talking about nobody paying her attention from the start).

And that's what I mean about creating opportunities for it, because men won't just approach women out of the blue like you say.

(What I meant about the aspie part is that that is one reason why men won't approach a woman, i.e. not looking approachable. Before that I said there are plenty of women who don't get approached. There's only a certain group who do, if they even do.)

If you do try online dating, make sure you don't say that. I sent a message to a guy I thought was cute and we seemed to have a lot in common and I thought he might be a like-minded person. One reply in and he's explaining to me how he doesn't believe anyone could be interested in him (it was within context). Well, I felt kind of insulted. What is he saying about my taste? Is there something wrong with ME for liking him?

BUT you CAN say that you are quiet when you first meet someone, or something like that (I see a lot of profiles that say this). You have explained away your nervousness and clamming up on the first date, and if he is interested he'll give you another chance.

No that's not what I meant. Even in a situation where there is a shared interest it's the continuing the relationship that is difficult for me even when just trying to make female friends. You make it sound like conversation just happens in those situations, but it doesn't.

If the thing is a group activity, I'm so shy I just get on with my task. It's really difficult for me to make conversation with other people, even if I've known them for years. If it's a class or church, I sit and listen until the end of the session, then I panic when it's over because I have to talk to people. I try, but someone, me or the other person has to make an effort to approach another person and move our lips to make conversation, even if we've spoken before.

Even if we see each other every week that doesn't guarantee that the guy I like is going to talk to me, even if he has talked to me before. Yes we've made initial contact, but that's not a relationship. We're just vague acquaintances.

Like I did a group thing yesterday. I like someone who often helps out too at these things. We've had conversations before. I thought he liked me. A saw a little spark, but even though we've seen each other every week, he hasn't spoken to me in weeks.

I'm not having problems meeting men. I'm having problems developing relationships. I feel like I'm stuck in a loop. Chap seems to like me, we talk a little, maybe through some shared activity. Nothing happens. I thought he liked me, but he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to talk to me even though we have talked on occasion before. I have no self confidence, so I feel like a fool going up and talking to him again. I feel like he knows I like him. Blushing is a big clue, and if I go talk to him he'll be thinking, oh why, I don't fancy you back, go away.

I mean he doesn't want to approach me when he sees me again. Approach in this sense means, walking up to and talking to.Maybe months go by. We see each other every week, but the spontaneous conversation doesn't happen. There's plenty of other people in the group he bothers talking to, but he doesn't talk to me again unless there is a reason. And I feel like an idiot for liking him and beat myself up over it.

And no I've never told anyone I don't believe they like me. I just don't believe it in my head. Not because I think there's anything wrong with them. It's just I've never been in a relationship and I feel like I never will be. No one wants me. I feel like there's something wrong with me but I don't know how to fix it. I think it's my shyness, I don't look like I want to talk, so people assume I'm happy on my own, but I'm really lonely, and just don't find conversation easy.

The word "love" here does not really mean love in the truest sense. Humanoid male and female interrelations do not equal love. It is a gross societal misnomer.

I do not engage in these kinds of relationships, but I have plenty of online friends (male and female) that I love very dearly as if they were brothers and sisters. There is no sexual aspect to our friendships. And I don't want there to be. The thought repels me, actually.

One aspect of real love is that it's always looking out for the well being and best interest for others. It is NOT human dating and mating rituals. It is possible to have those with absolutely no love at all, sad as it is.

I'm sorry, but I get so exhausted with this misconception of love. Bottom line: It is possible to love everyone around you and not be lonely. I can be done without a "romantic" relationship. There is nothing wrong with that.

Honestly, from what I have observerd, a girl who smiles (I know some will hate me for this, but it's true) is by far more approachable + to take off the earphones.

It's not that complicated of body language.

I knew a girl who has a very beautiful face yet claimed she never gets approached, what I have noticed about her that she constantly puts earphones like everywhere, either for
listening music or talking to
some friend - and she never smiles, not even once. I mean... come on, how do you expect guys to approach her.

Yes, looking sad, shy, too introvert, quiet, isolated.. all this make women look not wanting to be approached; this is true for men too.

Looks is important at this stage too (where hurtloam is stuck), I recall you told me you're taller and having a bigger build than most women in your area... this doesn't help unfortunately.

As for you yellow, I have seen your photos when you shared your okc once, you're slim and smiling cheerfully in most pics if I recall right; you really can't expect others will have your same experience during shared activities, there are other factors at play other than simply being in a shared activity.

Oh careful. I'm not fat either kiddo. I've been told I'm Marilyn Munro curvy. Although she wasn't as tall as me. I just don't smile In photos because I look goofy when I do.

I smile and laugh when I do talk to people. There is the odd person here and there that I am comfortable with. So men do see me talking and smiling - at a distance. I'm not always hidden away in a corner. But I guess they wonder why I don't talk and smile and joke with them.

I think I do kind of manage to fake sociability even when I'm feeling horrifically nervous inside. So the shyness around the guy I like contrasted against the easiness of my manner with the one person in the room I do get along with may be confusing.

I'm not glum looking all the time. I don't wear earbuds ever when I'm out and about. But that is good general advice.

OK has a good cry last night and a good sleep. Feeling more positive today.

You are certainly not fat.

Okay I'm getting a little confused now. I think you are saying that ONCE a conversation is started, you can keep it going, as long as you don't fancy the person? But initiating a conversation with anyone is hard, even if you have spoken to them before?


Hmm...*thinking*. I guess it would depend on the activity. The group activity that I go to, there is conversation happening about the activity. So it's not like "Hi my name's yt, what's yours? What do you do for a living?" etc etc. It's mostly natural interaction within the context of the activity. And because of that, different people end up talking to each other throughout the activity. Not flirting, just interacting because of the activity that is taking place. More personal conversation and flirting is an optional additive.

I've no idea how to make friends from that, I am terrible at making friends. The only social thing I am any good at is L&D stuff (which is why I mostly post in this forum with advice and not other ones). So what has happened is, I'll go to an activity, I'll meet someone there who takes my fancy, and I'll send them a message afterwards to show my interest. That's just one example of how it can happen, but it's the one that I'm thinking might work the best for you. Because the part where you flirt can happen through text where they can't see you blushing or clamming up or whatever.


I'm not saying everyone has the same experience, just that shared activities generally involve interaction, so I think it would generally be easier to have conversations with people there than, say, at the gym or in the supermarket. I made the suggestion of finding shared activities when I was comparing it to simply going about life and waiting to be approached, which I realise now is not what the OP was referring to.

What does happen in the shared activities I go to is everyone interacts. They have to, because of the type of activity. So it's an opportunity to meet in a safer environment than one where someone is expected to approach the other, make the first move, etc.

I actually have bitchy resting face. I smile cheerfully in profile pics and when distractedly happy. Most of the time I imagine I look like I don't care to be spoken to. So I put myself in environments where the approachable me is more visible (an online profile where I control how I look, obviously, and an activity that I adore that makes me feel comfortable and happy). I don't expect to find a partner (or make friends) in any other environment.

I have a sad/concerned resting face - when I am not smiling or talking, people often ask me "is everything alright?" or "you look worried/concerned/sad" - while I am feeling neither of this.

I think there are two quite different approaches.

The first one, which is most common, and done by most NTs, is the one where people connect by talking. The woman will indicate interest nonverbally (like smiling or with looks), and then the man will approach and start a conversation. Advice to train on this scenario is regularly handed out here. I'm not sure if this advice is any good. It certainly doesn't work for me because just like hurtloam, I get nervous, nonverbal and even freeze when I'm in presence of somebody I like (even worse if I also have a crush).

The second approach involves exchanging "glances" (the eye-contact game) at a distance. This works in many environments where people stay for a while, like in schools, cafés, parks, and shared activities. In this scenario, you are not expected to approach and talk. Instead, it moves forward when you've done it repeatedly over longer times, and the people involved have got used to each others enough to want and dare to take it further. This works for shy people.

I don't think you can mix those approaches. If you want to do it the usual way, then you need to show interest in the expected ways, and if you don't, people will not initiate with you. If you want to do it the neurodiverse way, you can't suddenly try to make verbal contact with the guy as this will break the rules of that approach. In fact, I've yet to met a woman that will engage in this and then try to make verbal contact. It simply never happens. Instead, if she has further interest, she will try to see me again so we can repeat it.

Don't give up, hurtloam!

Oh i see Yellowtamarin we're talking about different kinds of events. OK, so I took your advice and made myself talk to a few different people at church today, not to flirt. Just solely to talk and I do feel more positive for it. I've even invited some people over who I've never invited to my house before and I'm going to start visiting an old lady who isn't able to come to church any more because of her health. So being positive today!

Thanks all for being positive with me when I've been a bit down lately.

What you're doing, in my opinion, is an excellent way of going about things.

And I think you have a great chance of success, because you are able to listen to other viewpoints, even at times when you really don't feel like listening to them.

Just think about communing with people. If a guy happens to have an interest in you (which just might happen), I would judge the guy on his merits. Don't just settle for any guy.

I have found that many people have found romance in a very serendipitous manner. It just came to them naturally, without the use of "force" on the part of either party.

You will find much blessing in serving and getting involved in people's lives in this manner.
And if it is God's will for you to have a husband, I know He will provide you the right guy at the right time.
Just keep serving and loving others around you. Your social skills will improve and you will gain much. And be thankful for all the good things God has blessed you with!

Glad to see your outlook and actions becoming more positive.