Putting People on Pedestals

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05 Jul 2016, 10:47 am

Amity is saying that there are lonely people out there who would "settle" for less than their "minimum requirements" when it comes to a relationship.

I have done that in the past.

No blame is intended.

rdos
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05 Jul 2016, 10:53 am

kraftiekortie wrote:

Amity is saying that there are lonely people out there who would "settle" for less than their "minimum requirements" when it comes to a relationship.

Which is quite healthy because most "requirements" people have are no good. People typically put up huge lists of requirements because they have too many potential partners (like is the case in online dating). Those serve no other purpose than to select people on dating sites, and makes no sense if you meet somebody you click with IRL.

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05 Jul 2016, 10:54 am

CommanderKeen wrote:

Amity wrote:

^Do you think some of those are people who don't know what they want, and go out with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship? I do.

Boo, I would pay you to keep your clothes on!

Are you implying that it's their and my fault?

I think we are having a communication misstep.

Whose fault for what?

I think people who dont know what they want might be using their partner, I can assure you that you're not the only one to have been used/taken for granted.

I asked a direct question and answered how I feel about it. Nothing implied as far as I can see.

CommanderKeen
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05 Jul 2016, 11:10 am

Amity wrote:

CommanderKeen wrote:

Amity wrote:

^Do you think some of those are people who don't know what they want, and go out with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship? I do.

Boo, I would pay you to keep your clothes on!

Are you implying that it's their and my fault?

Oh, okay just seeing what you meant. Internet mis-communications are sure to happen.

Amity
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05 Jul 2016, 11:13 am

rdos wrote:

Not really. Infatuation filters out negative traits, often simple flaws that people can see beyond if they are attached. In modern dating, it's the reverse. Simple flaws makes people reject potential partners on not-so-useful grounds, while predatory traits are missed because they can be masked on a few arranged dates. A thorough observation phase will almost always find predatory traits, while simple flaws are not so important.

Love isn't and shouldn't be rational.

Are you saying that love, infatuation and dating shouldn't be realistic? My word was realistic not rational. What is an example of a simple flaw? And if you almost always find predatory traits do you need to discount the person based on these traits?

rdos
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05 Jul 2016, 11:31 am

Amity wrote:

rdos wrote:

Are you saying that love, infatuation and dating shouldn't be realistic? My word was realistic not rational.

If think you used "irrational" (focusing on being realistic instead of irrational). I agree with being realistic, but not on being rational (which is the natural opposite of irrational).

Amity wrote:

What is an example of a simple flaw?

Having brown hair instead of blond, being brown-eyeed instead of blue-eyed, having the "wrong" height, liking different moves or musical artists, weight, breast size, nose form and what else you have that people think they need to select on.

Amity wrote:

And if you almost always find predatory traits do you need to discount the person based on these traits?

Yes, I do.

The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Jul 2016, 11:59 am

Btw, I don't agree much with the guy in the video, he's psychoanalyzing her situation too much.

He's not taking into consideration that it is possible for humans to.... fall in love with someone taken; humans are not totally monogamous naturally.
In fact, studies showed that females find taken men more attractive in average.

And love can become obsessive toward someone specific; no juliet snydrome here.

It doesn't necessarly mean that she loves him because he's a forbidden fruit.

While legaly she can't have him, that doesn't mean she can't have him.

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05 Jul 2016, 12:39 pm

I find that as someone with attachment issues and a tendency to idolize/devalue people that it is a problem. For both involved. Obviously having been on the receiving end of the type of people who claim that you're perfect it's nerve wracking because you're just waiting til you f up and they are suddenly aware that you're not what they built you up to be. On the other person's end, you're putting yourself in a position where you're going to be disappointed over and over again and aren't giving people fair chances. You're setting them up to fail. You blind yourself to someone's faults, and when you're confronted with them you can't handle it. I tend to blind myself to other peoples selfishness and predatory behaviors. I glom onto "you're interesting and you're surface level nice to me" and not pick up on deal breaking bad behaviours long before I should.

The only things I can say in my defense is the idolization/devaluation is entirely internal, it's never something I've discussed with partners and they aren't aware it happens. And it's not as bad now, once I recognized the behavior for what it was, I learned to deal with it better. I can't stop myself from doing it, but I can change how I react and actually think logically about it and instead of allowing my feelings of betrayal to push me into cutting someone out of my life without a good reason.

This applies to friendships for me too, and it's been a big struggle with my best friend of 6 years, especially after she started dating for the first time 3 years ago. I've never been romantically attracted to her but I tend to have a "special person" at any given time, and I tend to not like sharing them.

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05 Jul 2016, 12:54 pm

I think there is a difference to thinking someone is perfect and putting them on a pedestal.

For example my boyfriend says I am perfect for him but he knows I'm not a perfect person. And likewise I feel the same about him.

Does this make any sense?

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05 Jul 2016, 12:58 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

I think he's trying to help her move one. The guy is never going to leave his wife for her. It's a waste of her time to pine after someone she can't have. Plus, as you're saying, we are able to fall for more than one person, so realistically, she can fall for someone else, so it is true that this guy isn't the only guy for her, even though that's what she believes right now.

I do think that someone out of reach can seem more intensely appealling. That's a human nature thing too.

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05 Jul 2016, 1:07 pm

^ Hmm...not quite so, humans might not be totally monogamous as I said, however we usually get attached to one person at a time, this is the phase of bonding, we have hormones in our systems that do this to us.

She is stuck in that phase.

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05 Jul 2016, 1:14 pm

Alliekit wrote:

umm......well...no... no. :p It doesn't make sense.

It's just a matter of semantics , both terms mean the same thing.

Putting someone on pedestal = to beleive this someone is perfect.

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05 Jul 2016, 1:43 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Alliekit wrote:

umm......well...no... no. :p It doesn't make sense.

It's just a matter of semantics , both terms mean the same thing.

Putting someone on pedestal = to beleive this someone is perfect.

I mean that he thinks despite my flaws I'm perfect. I know what I mean but I can't explain it hehehe :oops:

The_Face_of_Boo
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05 Jul 2016, 1:50 pm

Alliekit wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Alliekit wrote:

umm......well...no... no. :p It doesn't make sense.

It's just a matter of semantics , both terms mean the same thing.

Putting someone on pedestal = to beleive this someone is perfect.

I mean that he thinks despite my flaws I'm perfect. I know what I mean but I can't explain it hehehe :oops:

Well, in English perfect is not always the same as flawless, right?

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05 Jul 2016, 3:50 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Alliekit wrote:

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

Alliekit wrote:

umm......well...no... no. :p It doesn't make sense.

It's just a matter of semantics , both terms mean the same thing.

Putting someone on pedestal = to beleive this someone is perfect.

I mean that he thinks despite my flaws I'm perfect. I know what I mean but I can't explain it hehehe :oops:

Well, in English perfect is not always the same as flawless, right?

I always thought they were the same, but I always say, my guy may not be perfect, but he is perfect for me! I recognize his flaws, and love him flaws and all!

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05 Jul 2016, 5:01 pm

Alliekit wrote:

OK I've had a busy evening and missed this discussion on semantics. I'm going back to Allie's original comment and I agree with her.

Saying: "you're just perfect" means, your perfect for me. It feels right, like breathing feels right. And you want to express how enjoyable this person is to you. It's a simple way of saying that.

Putting someone on a pedestal is more akin to putting a beautiful statue in a museum. You stare at it in awe, but you don't touch it or interact with it. You just gaze upon it in wonder. You're not meant to touch it, it's out of bounds, like that woman's boss in the video.

That's not a good dynamic. It's not on equal terms. Yes, I like to be aware that a guy thinks I'm pretty, but the type who gazes from a distance and thinks you're too good for him is more irritating than flattering. Make a move or move on.

Don't build the other person up so much in your mind that they become as untouchable and awe inspiring as your favourite work of art or favourite mountain view. That's not healthy.

The other person is just a person.

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