This is bad...this is really bad...

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OK, I'm glad it turned out OK, but be careful for all you know she's sitting at home crying right now.

What a way to ruin my evening.

Sorry.
I'm just concerned. And i mean that genuinely. I'm a woman remember and can see things from a woman's perspective.

Maybe she isn't like me. Maybe she's a tough nut and she's fine.

Do you have any single male friends you can introduce her to?

A friend of mine did that to me recently and it wasn't too awkward. There were other people there and she was just like, oh have you met x? And we talked for a bit, but unfortunately there was a bit of a language barrier and the conversation didn't last long.

This thread seems like much ado about nothing to me.

She invited you to a cool gathering, you went, you seemed not to have a bad time.

This whole religion thing is the same. If you enjoy her company then spend time with her. It is rare to find someone whose company is equally enjoyed. Put religion and philosophy on the back burner. There's plenty of time of time for it.

I would agree, for the most part. I've had relationships with religious people, most of whom didn't impose their religion upon me.

Once, however, I did have a woman try to indoctrinate me....one woman just had to listen to "Reverend Ike" on the radio, screaming at the top of his lung. She saw nothing wrong with donating money to televangelists.

i think it's weird if the person you have feelings for is the one doing the matchmaking. i can only see it making things worse, because then you're getting even more involved in romantic matters. regardless if it's about you or not, the idea is to eliminate romantic questions and elements from the friendship altogether

i think if boo wants to maintain the friendship, then he probably needs to learn how to not feel responsible for her romantic feelings. i think it has to be approached from the perspective of being clear specifically in order to find peace of mind for himself. that's what a friendship is. you care for your friends when they need you, not all the time. he can't be concerned 24/7 with what her feelings may or may not be, or what eggshells he might need to avoid stepping on. that's what a committed relationship would be for. she might be crying herself to sleep, and that's sad if she is, but it's not his fault and it's not his problem. and maybe she's perfectly okay. it's pretty hard not to feel like a jerk for setting that kind of boundary, but i think it's the only way

if it's not possible to avoid those feelings of guilt and responsibility, then the friendship is simply unsustainable, and no satisfactory ending is possible. in that scenario (if and once it's been established that it's not possible to set those boundaries, for whatever reason, practical or emotional), i think the best thing to do is to be on the lookout for good opportunities to let her down without too much damage, before you're forced to make things clear in some kind of situation where expectations are at their highest

At the same time, one risks the end of a long-lasting friendship if one develops feelings and the other has to reject them.

It's a very hard action to undertake, and while we can offer advice and encouragement of him to let her down gently, too much pressure and guilt-tripping someone because of how awful he might be making her feel is simply counter-productive.

You put it so simply and probably it's the right way to think.

Maybe I should stop worrying for good and keep with the flow.

^ if you can do that, then it sounds great

my opinion: peace of mind is what matters. as long as you can take each other's company for its face value, no action should be taken. if just changing your perspective is enough, then problem solved. she's not your responsibility, but she doesn't have to be a stranger either. from what you said so far, i don't think you're doing or have done anything misleading. if i got it right, you said she doesn't like it when people try to make decisions for her. then she's responsible for managing her own feelings. i think it's even respectful of you if you don't try to manage the situation for her. that way you let her process the joys and disappointments on her own terms, and you on yours

if you believe some situation or another is going to cause you trouble (because of other people making assumptions and developing expectations), then that's another story. but i guess this episode shows how you probably don't need to be as worried about it as you thought

^ Yes, anyway I know this friendship won't last forever as is once on of us gets committed in a relationship (and most possibly she'll do it before me, because she's NT - while I might never make it) - in my experience, male-female friendships are more temporary even after lasting few years, once the close female friend gets into a relationship, the friendship fades slowly by its own(whether there's romantic feelings or not), it never stays the same. Will I be somehow jealous when that happens? Very possibly - but I see it coming so I am accepting it.

yes, i agree with all that, and it sounds like a positive attitude to me. sometimes there are pleasant exceptions (like one of my two current friends, who's married now. while the other one is simply not interested in any relationships now or ever, because she has other priorities), but those exceptions only happen with very unusual people with unusual lives

come to think of it that's not even exclusive to male-female friendships. you may remember from other threads that i've talked about a friend i had from age 9 to 20 (when he declared that i wasn't good enough anymore). guess what happened a few months earlier when i was 20... yep, he met his first girlfriend (first and only afaik. they're married now). the friendship actually was unsustainable as it was (because i was socially dependent on him). that much i recognize. the problem was really just the way how he was a jerk about it, which was uncalled for. but i guess that happens when you share an apartment with friends... it's usually not a good idea, unless the friendship actually started as roommateship

transitions make things complicated. male-female just adds some extra complications

nice place

I suggested it as a subtle way to say, "I'm not interested in you that way." It just needs to be done once to get the message across. Not to take on the responsibility of finding her a partner.



I don't agree with that completely. Once someone starts to have feelings for you then you are kind of embroiled in the thing. How you behave can have an impact on them. If I had feelings for someone and they didn't have any for me I would rather they didn't continue to spend time with me on a regular basis so that no embers could be fanned and then I could move on with my life.

Although it does depend on how strong the feelings are. A little crush isn't important and I can still be ok around most of the guys I once had silly crushes on.

Personally I find it easier to get over someone if I don't see them very often. I've walked away from a good person before because I couldn't handle being around him. We keep in touch, but I still had feelings for him which didn't die off for a long time. Walking away was the best thing I could do for my sanity.

Although, that was my choice and I did ask him out and he said no, so, this is different. I suppose if you keep going back to the person you like even though they don't like you back you're just a moth to a flame and that isn't the other person's responsibility.

yes. it's not a matter of feelings, it's a matter of misinterpretation. if he can reasonably predict that he'll be misinterpeted, then yes, he's responsible. otherwise, he's not. if she thinks she can "save him" and make a relationship possible, then that's the typical moth to flame scenario. i've been the moth myself, and i believe i was responsible

If she ever cried for me (yet I doubt it) - then it would have happened a while ago. She's down to earth when it comes to those things.

It has been 4+ years already, don't you think that she hadn't realized way before that that things won't progress in romantic way?
There was an over-clinginess (ie.texting me every morning)phase from her part but she long got passed that, her communication frequency became normal after that (ie she texts me only for organizing outings).
She might still have a tiny hope in mind that I may change one day (faith-wise) and become a full compatible prospect for her, but I don't believe she wouldn't consider more compatible men when given the opportunity. I don't think I am the cause of her delayed celibacy as much she is not the cause of my chronic celibacy.
She told me of suitors that her mother tried to arrange - she did sit with them (with families); but knowing her mother she isn't that strict nor she's fantatically religious (she isn't even veiled at her age) or too close minded, meaning if she (my lady friend) was totally in love with me over my feet she would have said a flat no to her mom's suitor arrangement plans, her mom won't kill her.

And hey, I admit: there's a bit of selfishness from my part; she's like 90% of my entire barely-existing social life so I have a lot to lose by losing her as friend.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 30 Aug 2016, 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I think the friendship is cool.

You both know your boundaries.