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Red flags in dating? Early stages

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wilburforce
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10 Jan 2017, 9:05 pm

TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


hahahahah funny rape joke. :|

You really need to stop shouting in empty rooms.


You need to stop making rape jokes that aren't funny. Serial rapists often have kit bags with such materials in them, and that is not fodder for hilarity. It's not a joke, it's a real horror for many rape victims.

You just killed what was an otherwise useful thread.


How am I killing a thread by asking you not to make rape jokes in it?


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10 Jan 2017, 9:27 pm

"The gun? Oh, that's just for protection."

"That picture of my ex in my wallet? Oh, that's nothing. We're just college friends."

"Where was I for the past few hours? What are you, the FBI?"

"You go ahead and eat; I'll just take this call in the men's room."

"I'm late because my watch stopped, that's why."

"Because I like how your pantyhose feels. Why should women have all the fun?"

"I'd like to pay for dinner but they forgot to give out our checks today."

"My buddy from work lost his girlfriend, so I sat consoling him at his house for a few hours, that's all."

"That's not lipstick. It's rum punch from the office."


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10 Jan 2017, 9:31 pm

hurtloam wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
MsV wrote:
- saying any guy who shows you kindness is just trying to get in your pants


While there's no denying that such individuals exist, you do need to take note that by no means is every man like that. I for one represent the type that's kind out of general courtesy towards everyone.


No she's not saying the red flag was that her ex was showing kindness, she means her ex said to her that every guy who showed her kindness was trying to get in her pants. He was saying this out of jealousy and possessiveness which are red flags.


Assuming a male is single and interested in the opposite sex, if given the chance to have sex I would imagine there's a high probability they will accept the encounter. It is our natural purpose to do so. It is of course a lot more complicated post processing, but it is our basic instinct to want to accept that encounter. Females truly are the gatekeeper, they must bear the consequences of said encounter excluding STD's.


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10 Jan 2017, 9:31 pm

wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


hahahahah funny rape joke. :|

You really need to stop shouting in empty rooms.


You need to stop making rape jokes that aren't funny. Serial rapists often have kit bags with such materials in them, and that is not fodder for hilarity. It's not a joke, it's a real horror for many rape victims.


I thought it was funny.


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Hexen
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10 Jan 2017, 9:32 pm

Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.



wilburforce
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10 Jan 2017, 10:33 pm

Boxman108 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


hahahahah funny rape joke. :|

You really need to stop shouting in empty rooms.


You need to stop making rape jokes that aren't funny. Serial rapists often have kit bags with such materials in them, and that is not fodder for hilarity. It's not a joke, it's a real horror for many rape victims.


I thought it was funny.


Here's an example of how funny it can get when women are not able to avoid a guy who has just such a kit bag:

ProPublica: An Unbelievable Story of Rape

They often take trophies like photos or possessions of their victims--in this case, the rapist took her camera and used it to photograph her while he raped her, as well as his subsequent victims. He also had a stash of panties he had stolen from his victims and other houses he had broken into when out prowling for potential victims. How hilarious! :lol:


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(Note to Moderators: my warning number is wrong on my profile but apparently can't be fixed so I will note here that it is actually 2, not 3--the warning issued to me on Aug 20 2016 was a mistake but I've been told it can't be removed.)


Hexen
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10 Jan 2017, 10:37 pm

wilburforce wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


hahahahah funny rape joke. :|

You really need to stop shouting in empty rooms.


You need to stop making rape jokes that aren't funny. Serial rapists often have kit bags with such materials in them, and that is not fodder for hilarity. It's not a joke, it's a real horror for many rape victims.


I thought it was funny.


Here's an example of how funny it can get when women are not able to avoid a guy who has just such a kit bag:

ProPublica: An Unbelievable Story of Rape

They often take trophies like photos or possessions of their victims--in this case, the rapist took her camera and used it to photograph her while he raped her, as well as his subsequent victims. He also had a stash of panties he had stolen from his victims and other houses he had broken into when out prowling for potential victims. How hilarious! :lol:

The guy made a joke and didn't mean anything mean spirited by it. I think this is an over-reaction. No, I don't mean rape isn't a serious issue and no, I don't mean we shouldn't take the issue seriously. What I mean is, give the guy a break. This whole forum, you have to walk on egg shells. I will say this, people on this forum really destroy the stereotype that people with aspergers don't have strong emotions.



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10 Jan 2017, 10:38 pm

Here are the red flags I observed in all of my past relationships, actual and potential, as a straight man.

Action: Talks emphatically about how she's already [age between 28 and 36] and not getting any younger.
Meaning: She's desperate to settle down with a provider-type man right away, at any cost to her or me.
Danger: She will "trap" me by secretly going off the birth control pill or rubbing a used condom into her "self".

Action: Yells at me on our second date.
Meaning: Narcissistic or obnoxiously self-entitled.
Danger: The yelling will keep getting worse and worse, until the breakup or me going insane.

Action: Willing to have sex with me on a first date, even though I'm not tough or attractive.
Meaning: Possible use of sex as leverage.
Danger: Risk of paying the price later, such as giving instant commitment or having to do excessive favors.

Action: Refuses to take any kind of public transportation, even when it's perfectly safe to do so.
Meaning: Princess complex and/or life-stopping irrational fear.
Danger: Damn impossible to do anything involving alcohol, and always having to chauffeur her around.

Action: Doesn't want to go anywhere fun, and only wants to sit around and talk.
Meaning: Difficult to please and/or a staunch homebody.
Danger: The relationship is going to be very boring.

Action: Lacks any threatening elements I've come to expect from women who are interested in me.
Meaning: I don't know.
Danger: Feeling guilty about starting a relationship with her.



Last edited by Aspie1 on 10 Jan 2017, 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

feral botanist
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10 Jan 2017, 10:43 pm

League_Girl wrote:
feral botanist wrote:
MsV wrote:

- completely ignoring any boundaries you set

- telling you the way you're feeling isn't really what you feel and replacing your description with the 'correct one' - even though it's not

- saying it's so cute when you tell them you're not ok with their behavior

- wanting to make all of your decisions for you


These are the ones that would really worry me. This indicates a lack of respect for you and your needs. These would also indicate a possibility of an abuser.



I used to talk to a guy online who was still an underage teen at the time and I was 18 and he always dictated how I felt and seemed to be in charge of my feelings like if I told him he was making me uncomfortable, he would tell me I wasn't feel anything and he wouldn't let me quit talking to him because he would quit coming back and get nasty with me for blocking him and telling me to quit it. Totally a creep and a narcissist and I also felt he was emotionally violent. I say he stalked me because he wouldn't leave me alone because he would contact me under different screen names and he was like a virus I couldn't get rid of. I also felt he didn't take me seriously because anything about me was cute and I also couldn't set boundaries with this person because he would violate them and then blame it on Asperger's and he wasn't even diagnosed. He self diagnosed and got worse after that and started this behavior which is why I never bought into the aspie thing and I didn't have this issue with them anyway except him and I never bought he had it. Now that my friend is a textbook example of why lot of people hate the self diagnosed aspies and say they use it as an excuse.



He sounds unpleasant and emotionally manipulative/abusive. Emotional abuse can be more difficult to identify and address because it can be ambiguous, and it is easy for abuser to make excuses for justifications for their behavior..



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11 Jan 2017, 12:45 am

Here are more:

Caring too much what people think and always wanting to know what you talked about on the phone and having to listen in on your conversations


Everything being someone's business so they tell someone everything about you as if it's their business

Blowing up at you cussing you out and screaming at you

Abrupt mood change.

So sensitive you have to walk on eggshells because anything you say could upset them and they take what you say the wrong way and they always seem to add to your sentence to get offended as if.

You feel anything you do is never good enough

Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself

Always accuses you of playing a game and anything they don't like they call it a game

Not helping you so you can move forward in life

Always negative

You have to meet their ex in the parking lot whenever you and your partner pick up their kids

Your partner's ex somehow won't allow her kids to have any contact with your ex

Already saying bad things about their ex and you had just met

Always the victim and always being screwed over by other people. Mmmm?


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whatamievendoing
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11 Jan 2017, 1:49 am

Hexen wrote:
Lots of male friends on social media
having a lot of male friends


I'm curious as to how these are red flags.


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11 Jan 2017, 2:10 am

wilburforce wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


hahahahah funny rape joke. :|

You really need to stop shouting in empty rooms.


You need to stop making rape jokes that aren't funny. Serial rapists often have kit bags with such materials in them, and that is not fodder for hilarity. It's not a joke, it's a real horror for many rape victims.


I thought it was funny.


Here's an example of how funny it can get when women are not able to avoid a guy who has just such a kit bag:

ProPublica: An Unbelievable Story of Rape

They often take trophies like photos or possessions of their victims--in this case, the rapist took her camera and used it to photograph her while he raped her, as well as his subsequent victims. He also had a stash of panties he had stolen from his victims and other houses he had broken into when out prowling for potential victims. How hilarious! :lol:



I still didn't find it funny. How awful how she was treated.


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11 Jan 2017, 6:28 am

wilburforce wrote:
Boxman108 wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
wilburforce wrote:
TheSpectrum wrote:
Rope, lube and duct tape in their passenger seat.


hahahahah funny rape joke. :|

You really need to stop shouting in empty rooms.


You need to stop making rape jokes that aren't funny. Serial rapists often have kit bags with such materials in them, and that is not fodder for hilarity. It's not a joke, it's a real horror for many rape victims.


I thought it was funny.


Here's an example of how funny it can get when women are not able to avoid a guy who has just such a kit bag:

ProPublica: An Unbelievable Story of Rape

They often take trophies like photos or possessions of their victims--in this case, the rapist took her camera and used it to photograph her while he raped her, as well as his subsequent victims. He also had a stash of panties he had stolen from his victims and other houses he had broken into when out prowling for potential victims. How hilarious! :lol:


It was a bit close to the mark lads.
I understand it was a joke but it is a very real fear for some women. Especially victims of rape.

Although finding something like that would indeed be a massive red flag



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11 Jan 2017, 6:29 am

Hexen wrote:
Alliekit wrote:
^
What's wrong with going to bars and clubs?

Being in an environment where there are many people drinking a mind altering substance that affects judgment. Willfully putting yourself in that environment and allowing yourself to get drunk around strangers. Okay if you go as a couple, not so much going alone if you're in a relationship.


What if you are out with a group of friends?



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11 Jan 2017, 6:32 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Here are the red flags I observed in all of my past relationships, actual and potential, as a straight man.

Action: Talks emphatically about how she's already [age between 28 and 36] and not getting any younger.
Meaning: She's desperate to settle down with a provider-type man right away, at any cost to her or me.
Danger: She will "trap" me by secretly going off the birth control pill or rubbing a used condom into her "self".

Action: Yells at me on our second date.
Meaning: Narcissistic or obnoxiously self-entitled.
Danger: The yelling will keep getting worse and worse, until the breakup or me going insane.

Action: Willing to have sex with me on a first date, even though I'm not tough or attractive.
Meaning: Possible use of sex as leverage.
Danger: Risk of paying the price later, such as giving instant commitment or having to do excessive favors.

Action: Refuses to take any kind of public transportation, even when it's perfectly safe to do so.
Meaning: Princess complex and/or life-stopping irrational fear.
Danger: Damn impossible to do anything involving alcohol, and always having to chauffeur her around.

Action: Doesn't want to go anywhere fun, and only wants to sit around and talk.
Meaning: Difficult to please and/or a staunch homebody.
Danger: The relationship is going to be very boring.

Action: Lacks any threatening elements I've come to expect from women who are interested in me.
Meaning: I don't know.
Danger: Feeling guilty about starting a relationship with her.


Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)



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11 Jan 2017, 7:42 am

Alliekit wrote:
Just a question what if she is afraid of public transport but will go on ot if it's absolutely necessary? (This is curiousity not like a jab or disagreement)
In my experience with people who have that fear, there is no "absolutely necessary". If driving is impossible (she can't drive somewhere, and I refuse because I know there'll be traffic) and fear prevents her from taking a train, she just won't go.

My exes were actually OK with public transit at least sometimes. (Other times, they'd react like I described). But I knew a few other women who weren't, and avoided them.