Men give no clues

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I suppose that answers the question as to why they may be reacting the way they are. From my perspective, I don't think there is anything someone could do that would make me make the first move because I could never be confident in believing that the other person was interested in me like that or in my ability in making that move even if I thought they might be(I'd blow it and humiliate myself) This is all despite being quite lonely and isolated, I purposely try to not give off "clues" because I don't want people to think I'm creepy or be misinterpreted.

Attractive women approaching me like that isn't a very common occurrence but I am always kind of tripping over myself and looking for the door any time anyone approaches me and starts talking. I think in general it's getting kind of weird for everyone with all these phones & social media, I don't know if people use to be more open to strangers or whatever but to not participate in that basically makes you invisible but I don't help things a long either obviously.

Hmm, from reading a few of the other men's posts around here, it seems like the sort of assertive, take charge personality that I have is rare among aspies. Wooh, I'm even more weird than the norm!

Generally in dating dynamics it is actually the woman who makes the 'very first' move, but the man still has to do the approaching.

What usually happens is the woman gives SIGNALS she is interested, to ENCOURAGE the man to approach her.

Many men find it difficult to approach a woman if she has given no signals whatsoever that she wants to be approached, and this is perfectly reasonable, because the woman probably really DOESN'T want to be approached, and the men don't want to bother women who are just going about their day.

So it's on the woman to give the signals to approach, the green light, the A-OK.

You get the easier job.

It is more difficult to approach someone than to just give signals and wait.

If a woman saw a man she's attracted to and wanted him to approach her at a bar or party, she literally just has to smile, wink and do a 'come over here' gesture with her hand and then you'd be done.

It would be considered socially inappropriate and unacceptable for a man to do the same, probably even 'creepy'.

What situations are you talking about when it comes to the man giving clues?

Is this in public, friend-of-friend situations, work, a place of study?

Because this type of stuff significantly varies by context.

Ah ok. Thanks Boo.

I need to use this men like helping women thing to my advantage... In a good way of course

That's all NT stuff. I very well understand this scheme, and I certainly know when a woman is approachable, but I simply can't or won't do it. So, if hurtloam is into aspies, relying on that won't be productive. Many aspie men simply won't approach, regardless if she sends interest signals or not. This is not related to nobody being interested in her.

Count me out of that "instinctive thing". If I have a romantic interest in a woman, nothing will make me cold-approach her. Not even her needing help with something. I'd be more likely to help a senior.

Besides, that trait is part of the sexual harassment scale, and so is indicative of a guy that is likely to sexually harass women. So women have better shun that type of guy.

Last edited by rdos on 22 Apr 2017, 3:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

No we do not. That's the point of this thread. We are expected to jump in blind with no signals by your description and others I've read on here.

That's not easy for an aspie girl.

Aspie girls tend not to be picking guys up in a bar... it will almost always be work, places of study and social activities like a club or doing some sort of group activity with friends and acquaintances. I'm not talking about when you meet a stranger for the first time.

The kind of man I mean is a person you've been around and sussed out and who has qualities that you like. Say you've noticed how they interact with other people and you like their manner and how they treat people and think, "that's the kind of bloke I want", you may also have noticed his nice eyes and lovely voice You've had a few conversations with him at this point and he's been kind of sweet and enjoyable to be around. Now what? You're just friends/acquaintances. You still have to see each other on a regular basis through shared friends and activities. Sometimes because you are contractually obliged to sit in the same room everyday through employment.

The thing that irks me is that I try and talk to men and include them in things, but I feel like I don't get the same effort back. I think I come over as just a friend. Even though I'm prone to blushing which you'd think would make it obvious that I like them.

I don't really feel comfortable in the getting to know a person part of a friendship even, I'm always feeling like I need to find some way to politely end the conversation (this is with men and women). I don't want to invade their space. Not sure why. Social anixiety I guess.

When people say to someone with social anxiety "what's the worst that can happen?" they don't understand that the conversation itself is the worst thing that can happen. The outcome is neither here nor there, the conversation itself is very stressful. Even when I actually do enjoy talking to the person, I still want to end the conversation and leave. I'm always set to fight or flight mode in general in life, it makes dating worse.

I think I come over as not interested. Even though I try to be. A simple conversation is a huge, huge effort for me, I dont' think guys understand how much of myself I've given them by just talking to them.

I feel like I need to make a clarification. I have no way of knowing if any of these men I've met are actually on the spectrum. They are aspie types, aspie-ish, interested in interesting things, a bit quirky and a mix of shy and inappropriately opinionated when they want to talk about something that interests them.

Most of the men I've liked are now either married or are in LTRs, so it's not like they couldn't ever work out what to do with a woman

While it sounds like a reasonable approach, that would not work with me either. If you befriend me first, I will see you as a friend forever.

So use a variant of it:
You still go to clubs or use work, but you do not make friends with the aspie men you like. You keep them as superficial acquaintances at most. You state your interest in them with eye contact and being close to them, not with talk. If he likes you back, he will reciprocate, and try to be at possibly shared activities. But, yes, this can often lead nowhere. I think you need to be a lot more active in the pursuit than a typical woman that only needs to look and smile at a guy to make him approach.

Those traits are not diagnostic-related. They are traits on the neurodiversity spectrum, not the autistic spectrum.



Maybe some woman knew exactly what to do to catch them? I mean, that does happen. After all, it isn't so complicated, it's just different from the norm.

You know what's funny, I said this and guess what just happened? Some very pretty girl with a couple of bummy looking people at the liquor store seemed to take an interest in me for some weird reason. Kept turning around smiling at me and seemed happy we were walking the same direction, slows down so I walk past her and she walks up taps me on the shoulder and gives me a flower she picked from somewhere not saying anything. I, of course, reply "ughh... thanks..." and continue walking into the store like the dork I am. I think she might of liked me and I could of maybe tried to make the 'next move' but the situation was kind of weird with the sketchy people she was with and I thought she might of been high or something so I walked away. Maybe she was trying to make it obvious and throw it at me, maybe it was nothing at all, I dunno. I doubt I will ever see her again to find out, at least not everyone is mean mugging me like I'm some sort of freak so there's that to be happy about and I got a flower out of it.

Spend more time around him, get to know him while signalling you are interested in more, and wait for him to ask you out.

If he doesn't ask you out, before giving up you ask him out yourself. Many, many women are too shy or simply choose to skip this step for no reasonable reason, and eventually lose feelings for the guy because her hints were too subtle.

It appears this is exactly what you have trouble with.

If it is aspie-like men you're dealing with, best to be as direct and obvious as possible from the get-go.

Though I understand if you have a lot of anxiety and difficulty doing this, but it's probably what you've got to do.

I think it's already been mentioned way too much here that aspie or aspie-like men have trouble picking up hints.

If a man is interested, he will do the same - spend more time around you, signal interest, etc. and see if you reciporate.

If you receive his advances positively and signal interest in him yourself, he then has to work up the nerve to ask you out.

So, yes, you do have the easier job, because both people essentially have to do the same thing (in different ways), except one has to work up the nerve to actually ask the other person out, and the other person doesn't.

And unfortunately, if no man has ever tried to signal interest, I sure as hell hope for your sake they were shy or too nervous too (which is probably very likely).

She wanted to mate with you.

I think he was concerned about the sketchy people she was with. You can't judge a book by it's cover, but I've watched Hustle too much to not be suspicious myself.

Seriously off topic, but if you haven't seen Hustle look it up and also The Real Hustle.

or maybe they were prostitutes seeking for business.

I think this is nicely written. Sort of the step by step process.

I have this problem in making friends too. It's the spending more time around each other that I get stuck at. I often only stay acquaintances with people. That's for female friends, male friends and with men I'm attracted to. We never really become friends or comfortable conversing, never leaving the awkward small talk area.

It's the first hurdle I fall at. People just seem too busy to reciprocate. Life is so hectic.