AS boyfriend disappearing on me for a long time

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If you ask me something in the context of small-talk that I don't have a ready-made answer for, I might simply answer it with "I don't know". Clearly, the question if somebody wants to break up is something few people can answer directly to unless they already are thinking about that. So, if you ask somebody (and especially an aspie) that haven't had thoughts of wanting to break up that question, you are likely to get "I don't know" as a quick answer.



I'm only guessing here, but he might be afraid of getting too deep into a relationship, and so getting out before that happens could be a possible "solution" for him. After all, being 7 years in an LTR is far longer than only 3, so it is likely he had invested far more emotionally in the former relationship than in you.

However, this is a destructive behaviour for him. He needs to be able to trust that a girl will stay, and avoid the need to disappear before he gets too much involved in it.

If you want him back, I think your primary concern is that you need to convince him that you will be together "forever". Otherwise, he will continue to be afraid that you will one day just walk away.

I see.. And I thought I had made it clear to him that I don't intend to leave him. I told him, even during his disappearing period, that I don't let people I love go that easily, that I'm here and I love him and I will only go if he tells me he doesn't love me anymore. What else can I do since he chooses to stay silent and not see me? Should I repeat it like a million times? Should I necessarily use the word "forever"? Should I force him to see me by going at his door uninvited? I really really love him and I've told him before I want to spend my life with him. He's said that too. I really want to fix this but he just doesn't leave me choices here.

In your opening post you wrote this:

While I'm sure you didn't realize that then, but talking about breaking up was a really bad idea. I'm sure that triggered his memories and lead to him disappearing.

I think at least a few aspies have serious troubles with serial monogamy. At least for me, cheating is to switch partner, and it is the worst thing that could happen. I'm actually fine with a partner falling in love with somebody else (I'm polyamory), but I'm absolutely not fine with terminating relationships "just like that". I simply cannot handle that.

I think that if you get together again, you should avoid talking about ending the relationship at all costs. It's a lot better if you yell at him and call him a complete idiot, just never talk to him about breaking up. Don't ever ask him if he wants to break up either (he will tell you himself, so it serves no purpose).

I think you should wait for his next move, and not initiate anything more. If he still loves you, he will make some form of contact again, and he won't be able to forget you just like that. It was he that disappeared, so he should take the initiative to make contact again.

Yes you're right. I was regretting this message the moment I was writing it but I was really in an emotional breakdown. I only realized its true impact when it was too late. At the moment I didn't even really know much about Aspergers either.
I wish I could take it back. I apologized the same day, and several more times during the two weeks that followed saying that I don't want to break up with him, that I want him in my life and that the only reason I said that is because I was freaking out myself. I guess that wasn't enough..
How can I correct this now?





Too late for this one. Before reading your post here I send him some messages telling him I love him and I want him in my life and that I hope that he considers meeting me since he's around here. I'm a little drunk so I didn't have a lot of discipline. Well.. I don't know, I'm afraid that if I let him, he will think that I forgot about him? I just don't want to lose him, I really wish there was a way to make him meet me. I'm so sad right now. I feel so helpless. Just because I sent one stupid message he's going to just leave me?

You might send him a message like "I'll wait for you", or something like that, and then go silent on him. You shouldn't let this become too one-sided. It's not all your fault. He has a major role in it too, so he should be part of getting back in touch again.

Well, I just sent him a message today just saying sorry for the drunk texting, and that i hope at some point he contacts me and I'll wait for him.

I hope he does contact me. I can't believe that he could love me but be able to let me go without giving me a chance to explain and discuss. I just wish I could make him see me in some way but I guess I have to accept it's not possible.

Do you think now I should go completely silent? Like no message whatsoever? No news? Like, say I learn the date I defend my PhD, should I let him know, for example?

It's very hard to me to go completely silent to be honest, I always want to say something more, I always want to explain more, ask more, show him I'm here more etc..

In any case thank you so much (all of you) for your support and advice and especially you rdos for taking the time to look deeper into it. I will update if I have any news (I hope so because this is killing me).

Well, he texted me a few minutes ago. After 2 months!! He said he'll see me tomorrow. I'm quite happy I'll see him but I'm also freaking out big time. I don't know what he wants to say, maybe it's just to tell me to break up for good. But if not, if for example it's about repeating to me how he's not well etc. how should I handle this? Any advice please about the big meeting tomorrow? My brain has gone blank right now I don't know what to think!

Finality is only a problem if it's allowed to be.

I wouldn't put up with that from my boyfriend. To me I it wouldn't feel like a serious relationship if at will he just doesn't contact me for weeks up to a couple months. That would be like repeatedly getting ghosted and always wondering if you'll here from him again, if he's moved on if he's in the hospital or dead, if he's maybe seeing other girls during those times and not being entirely honest about being too stressed.

But yeah I couldn't deal with that. Could be best to break it off if you need someone more consistency and he's not willing to put more effort into that. I mean it takes two to have a relationship, if one person is putting in all the effort while the other person puts in minimal effort(regardless their reason) its just going to cause problems.

I know what you mean and I agree. I don't know if you read the whole thread or my initial post but we've been together since the summer of 2013 and this is the first time this has happened. It's not a reoccuring situation. I'm not saying this is ok, I'm just saying it's an extreme situation because we've both been in a very depressed/stressed state at the same time. And because it was the first time this happened to us we didn't know how to handle it at all. Of course it troubles me for the future (if there is going to be any) but I can't judge my whole relationship based on the last couple of months. Of course if I see he's not willing to put some effort then there's no point in continuing but what happened now is something I would be able to forgive based on our past and on what I know about him. He never disappeared before for more than a day or two (which doesn't bother me really even if it's not my favourite thing).

I wouldn't tolerate it so if I were you, I would just break up and move on. This is making you depressed and stressed out and feeling abandoned so move on.

Though I know numerous NTs who dissapear equally often & I take no issue with them.

For some reason I had the impression it was reoccurring, It is a bit different if its just happened once and for a reason like stress. People certainly mess up sometimes and it doesn't have to be the end of a relationship...but it does have to be discussed and worked out.

Have you gotten to see him yet?

^ Il a tout à fait raison, xaroula.

Everytime there's a Francophone you start speaking gibberish.

Sooooo how did the meeting go?