Aspie friend withdrawal

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Either, provided it's apparent that there's no mandatory amount of time to wait. For example I have lots to do in the next 3 weeks but it won't totally shut me down. My shyness spills over into my phone habits & makes me jumpy but that's not the end of the world so I feel the same no matter who calls/texts first.

Ok, Imhere...just now reading this thread...first of all, I must say that from what I've read about you in this thread, you seem to be one of the most loyal women I've ever read about in a long time, possibly ever, considering how you have been willing to stick with your Aspie boyfriend in this time. The only girl who stuck with me for any decent amount of time gave up on me within three weeks, and every other girl I ever dated gave up on me after the first date. Shoot, for my HS Homecoming, I dated a girl from another school that supposedly had some issues according to things I've heard from some people I would meet in college from that school, (though I've heard numerous stories about her, such as that she had Tourette's, which I did not notice any signs of at the dance, or when I met with her before), and my own inexperience with dating and dances, as well as things she heard about me, caused her to dump me RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE, and not even give a clear reason as to what I did. I really wish there were more women like you in this world who understand Aspies, and can try to work with them to make a relationship work.

Personally, while I was quite a loner early on, and didn't get along with many people my age I met, I began to get more social and accepting of people eventually (though others weren't), but I also became WAY too forward to women, as well as way too affectionate. This caused problems into my adulthood, because I just couldn't shake my desire to be social, affectionate, and forward. Now, over the past five years, I've had to wisen up, and I've been forced into a situation where I haven't really been exposed to a lot of people, mainly due to the loss of my car, and lack of financial ability to get a new one. I've done a lot of personal thinking during that time, rehabilitating myself, and while I feel I'm in a better position to try a relationship again socially, there are so many other problems keeping me from doing it.

However, while I don't think I would be the kind of person to want to blow my girlfriend off if I were stressed or depressed like he did you (I wasn't like that with my gf in 2008 I was with for three weeks), with my last relationship, it was other mistakes I said that were either intended as joking/ribbing, or things that were taken out of context that I didn't really think about before saying them, that I feel caused my gf to lose interest in me, as well as likely the fact that she could just tell by how I was so confused about many of my shortcomings I was way too open about with her that I had no self-esteem. I hadn't accepted at the time I had Asperger's, or done any research on it. I think all that ignorance and denial really affected pretty much all my relationships when I was dating.

So us Aspies have different issues. I've heard a lot of the same from a lot of you, but I don't think I've heard of ANY Aspie with the issues I had that I talked about in the last paragraph. I've heard most Aspies are quite the opposite of me, at least when it comes to being outgoing and affectionate.

However, you are certainly someone who is willing to stand by someone with Asperger's, something very, very few women in this world are willing to do for long, and I applaud you.

He's not my boyfriend at this time. We went from a professional relationship to starting to grow a friendship but that's when he started withdrawing at times. I did overwhelm him with sharing my own emotions, both what I feel for him and the hurt I had over the withdrawals. I think he's the most amazing person I've ever met, and my feelings for him are unconditional. I don't think he's ready for a close relationship, especially considering there are some non-Aspie related issues such as age difference and the former professional relationship in which he was my subordinate. Add to that his discomfort with processing all this. I don't know if this withdrawal is forever or just temporary space. If I contact him, I honestly do not know if he'll be like "Oh, hi, I'm so glad to hear from you", or if I won't get a reply at all (and I know what that means). That is the hardest part for me, because I am only seeing the Aspie side of him for the first time since getting closer as friends, even though I knew of his diagnosis from early on and observed it clearly with his interactions with others. That probably sounds weird since we had known each other for two years, but I really interacted with him primarily in our geek world during that time where he "owned that" and was so confident and comfortable. We respect each other. I was actually very surprised to see the shy man who didn't like crowds when I saw him outside of our geek world. I guess I'll find out eventually, but I really only wish I knew where he stands. I know he's uncomfortable, that is clear. But I need to know if he is uncomfortable because he doesn't know how to understand his emotions or how to act in this situation, or if he is uncomfortable because he doesn't want to have anything to do with me (i.e. if my interest in him is an annoyance because he has no interest back). I know he has interest in women, just perhaps not me? Don't know. I want him in my life in whatever capacity he'd have me.

Trouble is aspies as like all human beans are individuals. A time frame that works for one is different for another. Some people like to be ask directly . . . Others not so much. When I took advice in early days that I should be very direct and ask my friend straight forward questions about whether he cared about me I was met with the answer "you seriously need to ask yourself why you ask such stupid questions!" . . . . .i think you are hoping for a magic answer here. I find all the help and advice I get here gives me a much better understanding of aspergers and the different brain workings . .. . But I'm still left bemused and confused much of the time about what my friend wants or doesn't want, and how he feels or thinks about us and our friendship. I think I have just learnt to accept that is the way it is. I'm sure he is as equally bemused by me

I apologize...I guessI misread the post. However, I can still tell you seem to have optimism that this relationship can work, which is a lot more optimism than I've gotten out of anyone I've dated.

Right. I guess it would be too much to hope for that an Aspie would recognize what's in front of him when it's in front of him though, huh?

Actually that recognition process is likely the main event here.

I wish I could explain why Aspies don't seem to recognize what's in front of them when it's in front of them. That's why so many of us fail at relationships. That is something I tried to figure out my entire life, and really, I still don't feel I can come up with an answer I feel is logical enough to make enough sense to virtually all nerotypical people. We just don't seem to always make the right choices in a relationship, or as I've read, it appears common in most Aspies to do things that make their gf think they don't love them. From my personal experience, I did a lot to show my girlfriend in 2008 I loved her, but I also did a few things that made her think otherwise, though the mistakes I made seem different from what your ex did. And now, I haven't dated in the last five years, which I've always cited my reasoning as "I'm trying to work on me", but I feel there is a part of me who feels really guilty about the many things he did in the past that turned women off, which weren't always the kind of things that were intended to offend, me being a person conditioned by a life of friends who did kind of jerkish things as a joke, but now at my age, I feel really bad about those things. I seemed to have done pretty much the right things early on in my relationship, but then, I made my mistakes, and then she left.

If that's true, I just wish there was something I could do. But it seems like all I can do is just sit here and wait and wonder because for everything else I do, it's exactly right in my world and exactly wrong in his world.

More like undefined, not wrong.

@imhere, ^these five words hold the answer. Simple as that. If you can find acceptance of this, contentment will manifest. This could be the key to a lasting (potential) friendship with your Aspie friend, perhaps. (in addition to Anngable's words of wisdom...)

Britte, thanks for the encouragement....but that won't happen if he won't even talk to me or return my communications.

as hard as it is, be patient and think positive thoughts ! I am thinking positive thoughts for you...!

...on the other side of the coin, so to speak, if this is causing you too much distress, perhaps you might want to take a step back and ask yourself if this dynamic will be healthy for you in the long run, given the way you process and express emotions. It may work well for some, but, not for others. I was in a relationship (if you will) with a fellow Aspie, that had a similar dynamic, but, it wasn't good for me, nor, in turn, for my friend. It was triggering for me, because, I had previously been in a relationship that turned out to be toxic, where by, the person would give me the silent treatment (completely different to Aspie hiatus), as a punishment. Once I realized what was happening, I walked away, but the silent treatment the toxic person gave me, scarred me, thus, my Aspie friend's hiatus' triggered me, to the point where it was destructive to our friendship, and made it impossible to carry on. You have to be good to yourself/ask yourself if you can effectively, carry on, because, unless you find acceptance, take the steps that Anngables expressed, it will, likely, not work out_for either of you. I am no expert. Just my 2 cents.

I don't get how an Aspie can allow someone to be so hurt all alone like this.

Last edited by imhere on 25 Jun 2017, 12:06 am, edited 3 times in total.

Sometimes when we try to do otherwise we get told to get lost. For that matter, you're not lost to the hive mind around here either.