Once more being told to not think about the girlfriend issue

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I totally know what you mean. I'm always being given conflicting advice. The thing is each 'advisor' is adamant that their advice is correct and they get annoyed when you don't take their particular offering of advice.

It drives me insane because the guys who saw women as just sex objects seemed to be the successful guys while I tried to see them as fellow humans but was told to "f**k off" despite how I grew up being told I was supposed to be a "gentleman" around women.

The thug look does not work for aspie dorks. Aspie dorks like myself and you when we try the thug look look like posers than real MCs.

Well, I don't care what anyone else says. The "sexuality" thing is a load of crap. Just stay relaxed and easy-going and women will like you. I know this for a fact. I just wish someone around here would take my advice so I don't feel like posting here is a waste of time.

this.

playing to your strengths is smart.



OP,

"It drives me insane because the guys who saw women as just sex objects seemed to be the successful guys while I tried to see them as fellow humans but was told to "f**k off" despite how I grew up being told I was supposed to be a "gentleman" around women"

are the guys you are referencing here on the spectrum?

No, I am talking about the "jerks" and "bad boys". They made me feel like I had to start cussing at women, punching them in the face, and engaging in other sorts of harassment to finally be considered attractive to them.



Especially since I have low muscle tone, have a soft voice, and don't wear Ecko brand clothes.

Lol this is just what I was saying. Everyone gives conflicting advice and gets annoyed when you don't appear to take their particular advice.

Being myself and just being friendly and relaxed is not working for me. Sincerely 35 yr old singleton.

The more attractive people simply can't understand the agonies of the less attractive/desirable single people.

Being relaxed and easy-going is how I ended up with "friends" who cared far less about me than I did them, and never, ever received positive attention from women whatsoever. Men ignore me and women despise me. Trying to be social is a waste of time.

For what it's worth, I found I started having way more success when I was a bit dominant: nearly every woman I met seemed to be attracted to that quality. Note that this has exactly zero to do with being rude or abusive but it's more of a self-respecting take no crap attitude. Even my own feminist wife seems to be more attracted to me when I (slightly) raise my voice and stand my ground on something.

I try to avoid giving that advice too much because I don't want any naïve Aspie to get the idea this means throwing a date up against a wall or doing something she is not comfortable with.

Ugh. This brings back memories of being in Junior High and being told to "act tough" by the Guidance Counsellor. Let's just say it made things worse. Aspies simply can't pull it off!

men despise me and women ignore me. that is no better, I suppose. but in the tiny chance that I might meet somebody congenially similar to myself, I keep trying in a low-key way, almost too subtly for practicality.

People generally only care about themselves. If you don't do anything to show your usefulness to someone in some way, boosting egos if nothing else, it's hard to have any kind of influence on them. I think our problem is we have more difficulty understanding how to meet their needs first until we can translate that in getting them to help us out in return.

I think some have social dificulties because they impose expectations on others for good deeds. Putting someone in debt is fuel for resentment. I rather think of being nice as investing in others. Short-term gains are always small and you never break even. Long-term you get everything back and then some. People can tell when you aren't in it for the long haul, though. It's hard to make yourself work for nothing when you can't understand why it's important. We tend not to really care what they think or need or want. Thing is, they don't care, either. The difference is they instinctively know to fake it until the good stuff comes back around. It's really the time involved that separates the winners from the losers in this game.

time is a strictly limited, precious commodity, growing more dear by the day.

You make it sound as though when I'm nice to people I only do it for expectations of some kind of reward. I am no "nice guy". I don't go around expecting somebody to date me purely because I treated her with respect. Friendships don't necessarily start with people helping each other out. There's other ways to bond.

Here's the thing. I don't view humanity as inherently good. I see it as the exact opposite. There are no "good" motives that are fundamentally selfless or altruistic.

That may seem pessimistic, but that's only half the equation. The other half is
I hold out for hope that human beings enjoy seeing each other well and happy and act towards that end. As an analogy, I enjoy chocolate. I'm sure I could find someone to give me free chocolate. Trouble is free chocolate doesn't account for how it got from the tree to my stomach. There might have been thousands of people along the way to make that possible. If I don't take care of them, someone else might have to--which means no more chocolate for me. And that's why I exchange money for chocolate at the grocery store when I want it. The chocolate makes me happy. The money helps feed families, which also makes me happy as well as, I hope, the families who made chocolate for me. So, you see, we ALL win.

Romantic relationships are exactly like that. You don't want someone in your life because you're a nice guy. She's attractive, makes you laugh, keeps you from being lonely, or you like the way she smiles when you say something nice or the way she laughs when you tell a joke or, or it's the sex, or... Could be anything. But it's either because you want her for whatever reason or because it makes you feel good when she feels good. That's self-centered. Nobody complains about it, but it's still all about YOU.

Relationships and all sorts of good things happen not because we can change our nature. They happen because people desire mutually beneficial conditions. It creates the illusion of altruism, but true human motivations are anything but. What keeps me waking up every morning is the hope that MAYBE people will want to do more for others than for themselves.

I find the advice they give tends to be their perception of their own personal experience.

For example the friend who says "stop looking and you'll find someone" because she stopped looking and just happened to meet her husband around that time. It was a fluke pure and simple.