My Partner has aspergers- the toll on my emotional health

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I hadn't seen my best friend for 2 and a half months until last Monday.
We're still best friends.

Yeah I go for weeks without talking to my close friends too.

I like to actually have something to talk about when I talk to them. There's not enough to discuss inbetween.

I message my sister almost everyday. But that's different. We're family and have stuff in common.

For the Neurotypicals who are yearning to understand their Autistic counterparts, could you please explain in great-detail what it means for an Autistic couple to "get" each other?

I ask - because I have actually heard that same expression before - from a Neurotypical-mother who had an Autistic-Daughter with her Autistic-Husband, and her daughter would only spend time with her Autistic father.

She said her daughter told her that she loved her father, because they "get" each other - her exact words.

For a Neurotypical who is in love with an Autistic person - I ask - how do they make it so the Autistic person they love, "gets" them?

How is that achieved?

I love an Autistic person and I want to have that - I want us to "get" each other - how is that done?

How does that happen?

Please explain in as much detail as possible.

Thank you!

I could be wrong, so feel free to refute, but i think in any situation it's about meeting the other person where they are at.

If they need space, give them space. If they need to talk, listen. If you need someone to listen to you talk, tell them (Hey I'm upset about x thing that happened to me today; do you have 30 minutes to listen to me? It will make me feel better).

With AS people, learning how to verbalize your emotions (in case they can't read them), and telling them how they can help you feel better (in case they don't know how to express their sympathy), will go a long way.

I know all of this might feel awkward and counterintuitive; some people do not feel it is worth it.

You ultimately have to decide what will make you happy. An AS partner may never make you happy, or you two might work out verbalizing all of your emotional needs and get along famously.

Whatever happens, i hope you find what you are looking for.

And as with any relationship, it's a two way street. He has to help you understand as you help him understand. If he won't put in effort as well, it won't work.

ImHere I understand what you are saying . . .. . I have also had it suggested to me that I am needy or clingy when I have been trying to understand my friend better on this forum. . .. .

Have you tried making contact on a purely practical level. To discuss something you are both interested in maybe. The thing is that if someone doesn't understand emotions they can become very frightening things. The fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and the feeling of being edged into a corner is very real . . .. like anybody feeling pressured and afraid of doing the wrong thing they often hit out and do or say things that can appear hurtful . . . I read a blog from the wife of an aspie. It had got to the point where she was going to leave him. She felt he was just hurtful and nasty to her on purpose. . . .. she asked him "do you want to hurt me" and he got upset and shocked "no never" was his reply.

I have seen a little of this with my friend when I was so v hurt and tried to talk to him about it he looked like a little boy lost. I realised he had no concept of what he had done wrong or how to make it better, but that he was sad that I was sad.

I have tried to just completely readjust my expectations . . .. . .i know now that he really cares about me. Other people might question it, but I absolutely know it and as a result I've stopped expecting of him. I realise he has no expectations of me other than that I am kind and trustworthy. . . .. . ..

I would be lying if I said I didn't have occasional doubts but this is where I have got to at the moment. I really genuinely feel for you and your situation so please message me if you want to talk

There's nothing "cold and empty" about it. What part of "inability to express" are you having a hard time understanding? Just because you aren't SEEING an emotional reaction on the outside, doesn't mean one isn't taking place.

It really rankles me to hear this "my Aspie partner is neglecting me, they just have no emotions whatsoever" stereotype. That's a MYTH, an URBAN LEGEND. Autistic people have feelings, just like you do, perhaps even more intensely so - but they have a problem communicating emotions and understanding how to respond to other people's emotions. They're not being mean to you - they HAVE A DISABILITY.

If all you can think about is how that affects you, you're probably with the wrong person. You don't get involved with a paraplegic, then whine about how your entire life is inconvenienced by their wheelchair.

Last edited by will@rd on 25 Sep 2017, 2:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.

will@rd, stop trying to fix it.

Just listen to them and hug them - and tell them this must be hard, and that they're right.

Why am I not surprised who made this thread? Wonder why empathy is only ever expected from one partner.

I'm starting to see your point of view.

There is no progress.

I don't understand these people. If they believe their aspie partners don't feel anything for them, then why are they with them? And if they do believe there are feelings to uncover, why don't they try uncovering them?

Because they don't know how to. That's why they're asking for advice from aspies. Asking how we would like to be drawn out. How we would like to be communicated with.

It looks blank to the NTs. They have a gut feeling there is more there, but they don't know how to touch the depths.

Each and every person on the spectrum will experience their social and communicative difficulties in a unique way.

The blanket statements you made indicate that you are approaching the issue without first having a realistic understanding of ASD in general.
You need to study ASD as a topic, identity your partners individual diagnostic criterion, and then you will be able to start fixing the problems in your relationship.

What I am or am not able to express in a relationship is likely to be different to your partner, and many other folks with ASD.


I don't have difficulties with empathy... your questions are going in the right direction but are too general... I do however have difficulties with social imagination. As someone whose social experiences were limited by difficulties from birth there are many things you will value which I will not; for the person I love I will aim to be empathetic towards their values, even if I don't fully relate to the depths of emotions my partner would attach to them.


Have you considered why you chase self harm situations?
What you describe could just be the personality of the man who also happens to have ASD. I suggest you seek the support of a health professional to aid you in changing what is actually in your control... your own thoughts feelings and behaviour.


Then perhaps you should seek partners or relationships with people who do not possess these social and communicative difficulties. You need to possess the theory of mind to understand your partners way of being, you can achieve this by studying ASD. Just as he also needs to study the typical ways of being in a relationship.


I believe that CBT would be useful in overcoming the thoughts you are experiencing.

I understand that bit. What I don't understand is that people are giving them suggestions, but they are not listening to the suggestions, not asking follow up questions. They ask for advice but don't seem interested in the advice they are getting.

I am mystified that a person can believe that someone is emotionless. I've never met a person without emotions. Where does that concept come from?

I think that's easy to understand. If someone doesn't show you how they feel how do you know how they feel?

I think the term 'emotionless' was hyperbole. I don't think we should be that offended. What they mean is they can't see the aspie partner's emotions being displayed. They see a blank front.

I think Annegables is very astute in noting that sometimes one doesn't want to reveal too much emotion in case it's not what is wanted, or not appropriate.

A lot of us have learned to mask our inner true feelings about things to fit in. I certainly do that. I can really adore some e, but I'm not sure what an appropriate way to show that is especially if I don't know if the other person will be receptive.

The fact that I don't know how someone is feeling does not make me assume they feel nothing. I just assume I don't understand them. Maybe it's just me taking things literally, but it really seems the OP and Annegables think their respective aspies don't feel anything. Maybe they are both emotionally flat aspies, but that still doesn't mean they feel nothing.

I dunno, my emotions tend to show up after the fact, so hiding stuff is not so relevant.

I tend to go very blank with people I don't trust, though, but I think it's more of a stress reaction. I couldn't show emotion if I wanted to, on many occasions. With people I trust I am very expressive, childlike even. I wonder if those guys were always so inexpressive, or they changed over time?

A first today for me was that my friend messaged me to ask for help with something . .. . . . I was happy to help and love that he trusts me enough to ask. He is the most independent self managing human I have ever met.

I think as NTs we often misinterpret what is happening. I realise I often attached emotion to situations and conversations which had none. . .. . . .when I look back over our interactions nothing had changed about the way he interacted to me. It was me having expectations of reciprocation and expectations of social niceties. I then became annoyed or upset, and he was left saying "what just happened?"

It is like learning a whole new language but worth it if you have more in common than your differences.

I know my friemd feels . .. . . I've always said that. I know that he cares and loves for me. I know he is sad if I am sad and happy when I am happy . . .. . What is difficult is reading and understanding those things and it took me a long time to know and believe those things.

Then after, he should try to fix it.