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Friends first or relationship first?

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SilverStar
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18 Mar 2018, 8:51 pm

CannibalCorpse wrote:
It happened to me more than once that I was hanging out with a guy and at some point I realised I actually fancy him. Sometimes months after we first met. Because I had time to get to know him.
Don't give up just because a girl doesn't seem to like like you after a date.
It can happen later if you don't put pressure on her, you just go with the flow and enjoy spending some time together.
Although I think for that you need to be quite secure and not desperate.



From what I have observed, and in my personal experiences, I have found that people pretty much have a good idea about their romantic interest in you, from the first time they meet you. They may not be 100% sure if they will date you or not, but they know if there might be a possibility. The only time that I see couples start off as friends, then move into a relationship later, is if they were both attracted (at least somewhat) to each other in the first place. I have never seen an instance where someone wasn't attracted to someone else, and then BAM, decides they are attracted to them. I have a hard time believing that.



AngryAngryAngry
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19 Mar 2018, 3:09 am

Read blackdragon blog - lots of useful advice for not being a beta - but also not being a pua douche.

You can be friends first, and it can lead to a relationship - she may have you as a "backup" - women do this often.
But you have to keep your distance, don't go helping her too often, just sort of keep in touch, meet up occaisionally casually. And don't like everything she posts on instagram/twitter/facebook.



CannibalCorpse
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19 Mar 2018, 4:15 am

Silverstar, most men want to move way more faster than some women.
Personally I am creeped out when a guy talks about being girlfriend/boyfriend on a first date or even before we met in real life. My default is to reject them immediately.

And I don't mind if you don't believe me.
I am in this situation right now anyway. My guy friend introduced me to his coworker about 2 years ago and he started hanging out with us. I dismissed him as boring and just a plus one and I didn't like the way he laughed.
But a couple of months ago when I actually took the time to talk to him, only the two of us, I realised that he is far from boring, he was just in the shadow of my mate who can dominate conversations easily. And also when I really had a look at him I saw him handsome too. And not before!

I dn't think I am that unique that it only happened to me.

Women are not men. We don't fall in lust at the first time when we meet someone. We don't think "hmmm I wanna ... him" (apart from some exception obviously)
Men don't realise that even a not so handsome guy can be desirable when he has some sense of humour, intelligence and confidence.



CannibalCorpse
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19 Mar 2018, 4:23 am

I agree with angryangryangry. Be friendly, even flirty a bit but keep your distance. You should look like you are perfectly good on your own in a way. That normally make women ask the question why he is not interested in me???



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Mar 2018, 4:32 am

CannibalCorpse wrote:
Silverstar, most men want to move way more faster than some women.
Personally I am creeped out when a guy talks about being girlfriend/boyfriend on a first date or even before we met in real life. My default is to reject them immediately.

And I don't mind if you don't believe me.
I am in this situation right now anyway. My guy friend introduced me to his coworker about 2 years ago and he started hanging out with us. I dismissed him as boring and just a plus one and I didn't like the way he laughed.
But a couple of months ago when I actually took the time to talk to him, only the two of us, I realised that he is far from boring, he was just in the shadow of my mate who can dominate conversations easily. And also when I really had a look at him I saw him handsome too. And not before!

I dn't think I am that unique that it only happened to me.

Women are not men. We don't fall in lust at the first time when we meet someone. We don't think "hmmm I wanna ... him" (apart from some exception obviously)
Men don't realise that even a not so handsome guy can be desirable when he has some sense of humour, intelligence and confidence.


I have seen a study actually showed that women decide within the first minutes.



CannibalCorpse
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19 Mar 2018, 5:29 am

Well if you have seen a study then it must be true.
I from now withdraw all my comments I made on this thread.



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Mar 2018, 5:52 am

CannibalCorpse wrote:
Well if you have seen a study then it must be true.
I from now withdraw all my comments I made on this thread.


:lol: the study may not be true though.



yellowtamarin
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19 Mar 2018, 5:59 am

I can think of two instances where I've become attracted to a guy, after being friends for a while without attraction. In fact with one of them, when I first met him I didn't particularly like him at all...I got a false first impression.

I didn't get to date either of them though. :cry:

I also know a couple who are married who started out hating each other...for over a year I reckon. I find that pretty weird, but interesting!



Marknis
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19 Mar 2018, 8:54 am

I think it's time to lock this thread now.



kraftiekortie
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19 Mar 2018, 11:41 am

The answer: Friends first.



AngelRho
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19 Mar 2018, 1:02 pm

Marknis wrote:
I think it's time to lock this thread now.

Just an armchair psychologist observation and theory here, but...

...I think I know what a lot of your problem is.

You started a thread with a fairly simple premise. People came and went. Some commented. Some offered advice. Some offered validation. Some discussed, and others argued...

Long story short you sparked a conversation that took a life of its own. You initiated a discourse that involved a good number of participants. You catered to their personal interests to seek to elevate your own.

Now that much of it has run its course as it pertains to what you started out with, you want to shut it down.

Why is that?

Is this something you do in real life conversations? Withdraw when you can’t control the flow of conversation, or shut conversations down if you get the chance to? People have a tendency to think others are mean-spirited when they act that way.



SilverStar
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19 Mar 2018, 5:19 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
CannibalCorpse wrote:
Silverstar, most men want to move way more faster than some women.
Personally I am creeped out when a guy talks about being girlfriend/boyfriend on a first date or even before we met in real life. My default is to reject them immediately.

And I don't mind if you don't believe me.
I am in this situation right now anyway. My guy friend introduced me to his coworker about 2 years ago and he started hanging out with us. I dismissed him as boring and just a plus one and I didn't like the way he laughed.
But a couple of months ago when I actually took the time to talk to him, only the two of us, I realised that he is far from boring, he was just in the shadow of my mate who can dominate conversations easily. And also when I really had a look at him I saw him handsome too. And not before!

I dn't think I am that unique that it only happened to me.

Women are not men. We don't fall in lust at the first time when we meet someone. We don't think "hmmm I wanna ... him" (apart from some exception obviously)
Men don't realise that even a not so handsome guy can be desirable when he has some sense of humour, intelligence and confidence.


I have seen a study actually showed that women decide within the first minutes.


I believe both men and women pretty much know if someone might be relationship material the first time they meet them. As far as love and feelings go, it can happen instantly, but more often than not, it usually happens gradually, after getting to know someone for awhile.



Marknis
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19 Mar 2018, 5:26 pm

XFilesGeek, please lock this thread. It is not helping me at all.



SilverStar
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19 Mar 2018, 5:32 pm

yellowtamarin wrote:
I can think of two instances where I've become attracted to a guy, after being friends for a while without attraction. In fact with one of them, when I first met him I didn't particularly like him at all...I got a false first impression.

I didn't get to date either of them though. :cry:

I also know a couple who are married who started out hating each other...for over a year I reckon. I find that pretty weird, but interesting!


Hating each other shows passion, and passion is what starts, and keeps relationships. :)



SilverStar
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19 Mar 2018, 5:41 pm

AngryAngryAngry wrote:
Read blackdragon blog - lots of useful advice for not being a beta - but also not being a pua douche.

You can be friends first, and it can lead to a relationship - she may have you as a "backup" - women do this often.
But you have to keep your distance, don't go helping her too often, just sort of keep in touch, meet up occaisionally casually. And don't like everything she posts on instagram/twitter/facebook.


Good advice. I have known several guys (one of them being myself, along time ago) that practically smothered some of their women "friends", that they had a thing for. They were always around, helped them with everything, bought them gifts, and shared with them pretty much everything they know...they could never figure out why the girl wasn't interested, and what they were doing wrong. ;)



yellowtamarin
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19 Mar 2018, 6:21 pm

SilverStar wrote:
yellowtamarin wrote:
I can think of two instances where I've become attracted to a guy, after being friends for a while without attraction. In fact with one of them, when I first met him I didn't particularly like him at all...I got a false first impression.

I didn't get to date either of them though. :cry:

I also know a couple who are married who started out hating each other...for over a year I reckon. I find that pretty weird, but interesting!


Hating each other shows passion, and passion is what starts, and keeps relationships. :)

Haha, and they probably got all their fights out of the way, so there's only good places left for their passion to go!