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How can I feel like my 20's weren't wasted?

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Marknis
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27 Sep 2018, 2:54 pm

Chronos wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Chronos wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Chronos wrote:
I didn't have the life I wanted in my 20s but I do not feel I wasted them as I spent my time doing things conducive to my life goals or doing things I enjoyed doing.

Marknis you spend a lot of time making posts here about things in the past you are ruminating on or things in your life that you are discontent with and many of them are repetitive. Do you get something positive out of spending your time doing this?

If so, continue if you wish but if not then making these posts is not a healthy past time for you and you are setting yourself up for feeling that you have wasted your 30s. I frequent another website with a rants forum and the rule is that people are only allowed to post on a subject that bothers them once because actively indulging in distressing subjects you are ruminating on is toxic when doing so is not conducive to fixing them,healing or moving past them.

The subject might pop in to your mind and upset you but you don't have to entertain it and let it stay.


I have to be honest and say it really hurts me more than helps me. I just feel so lonely and frustrated with my struggles that I have to get my stress out in some way so I suppose it helps in that way but it doesn't change the fact I still feel depressed. It also causes me to have a warm and uncomfortable feeling in my head and chest. I wish I could hit back at those who talk down on me but I have nothing to show for it.

Luhluhluh wrote:
Let me ask YOU a question:

How is it going getting your mom taken off as your designated payee and getting yourself independent?


I've been feeling both physically and mentally drained from my daily struggles that I haven't thought about that at all lately. I feel tired and worn out especially when I get off my job. I hate that so many people I know are married or are in long-term relationships while I can't even get a coffee date. It's not for lack of trying, I HAVE tried to get out of my rut but I always get dead ends no matter what I do. Relationships are everywhere I go and I still get asked sometimes if I am dating anyone or if I want children but I can only say no to the first question and that I can't even think about children since I can't even get a date.


Why do you think you hit dead ends?


I feel like I give my best or atleast try to give my best at things but I never get the results I want while when someone else does the same they succeed. I also feel like when I fail at something I have failed at it forever.


I think you have pretty thoroughly established that you need to get out of your town and I think moving to the city is one way out of your rut. I have laid out to you how I would go about this if I were in the same situation. Have you attempted any of that?


I'd honestly would have to go back over my older posts to rejog my memory.
I don't really know how to become more independent without spending money way above my income, though. I also never really thought about having ambition or taking charge of my life in my developmental years. I thought everything would come to me on its own because of "God's plan" as well having the idea that "grown ups" knew everything by default.



CockneyRebel
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27 Sep 2018, 9:44 pm

Your life is what you make it. Be sure to make it a good one.


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Marknis
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30 Sep 2018, 5:59 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
Your life is what you make it. Be sure to make it a good one.


I am 30 now and it feels like my life is almost over.



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30 Sep 2018, 10:05 pm

Become financially independent and get a place of your own. Move away from the bible belt and away from your detractors. Do some research on the clothing and hairstyles that women find the most attractive on men. Work on your body language. Walk like a man. (I got that from an old song). Do research on the best places to meet women. Seek out women who are more interested in Sweet Peas and who despise Rednecks.


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Benjamin the Donkey
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30 Sep 2018, 10:23 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:
Become financially independent and get a place of your own. Move away from the bible belt and away from your detractors. .


Notice how many people (including me) are giving you this advice? Take it seriously!


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Citymale
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07 Oct 2018, 1:20 am

Marknis wrote:
I am now 30 and I feel like what should've been my best years are forever gone. I've seen so many people figure out who they are as well as get married or atleast find a long-term partner in their 20's but my 20's were exercises in failure and disappointment. But is there anything I can do that would make me feel like those years weren't wasted or should I just finally kill myself as my mind is always telling me to do so?


I wasted my twenties - sort of.

Definitely if I knew how isolated and friendless is be at 32 - I’d not spend so much emotional energy and time trying to meet people and learn to talk and get dates.

You can feel good about your twenties by focusing on a daily routine, like a morning routine - wake up, make bed, exercise, shower, eat breakfast, etc.

It’s the lack of routine that drives the feeling of “I missed out.” That’s how I see it now.



auntblabby
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07 Oct 2018, 9:02 pm

financial independence is an elusive thing, despite our best intentions.



Citymale
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07 Oct 2018, 9:17 pm

Marknis wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
Your life is what you make it. Be sure to make it a good one.


I am 30 now and it feels like my life is almost over.


I am 32 and it feels like life is just about wrapping up.

I’d caution about the northeast - it’s awfully lonely here



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07 Oct 2018, 9:17 pm

Citymale wrote:
Marknis wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
Your life is what you make it. Be sure to make it a good one.


I am 30 now and it feels like my life is almost over.


I am 32 and it feels like life is just about wrapping up.

I’d caution about the northeast - it’s awfully lonely here

it's prolly just as lonely in the northwest as well.



The_Face_of_Boo
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09 Oct 2018, 4:10 am

I so wish to get back my 20s when I didn't have any Tinnitus back then, even when i was a single back then, even when I was virgin and totally inexperienced and having a low end job - all these 'things' I so wanted to achieve (such as finding someone or career things) which I regarded as big issues for not achieving back then sound so ridiculous compared to my current issues now.

There are things we take for granted that we don't notice how valuable are only after losing them or a trauma, like a good health for instance.

So no Marknis, if you had a good health in 20s then they were not wasted even if you didn't achieve anything of what you wanted to achieve. Just relax, lay on the bed and enjoy your evening watching anime or do any of your activities while you still can.



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10 Oct 2018, 1:01 am

^yes, only when we lose it do we realize how thankful we should have been for our good health above all else.



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10 Oct 2018, 1:11 pm

Marknis wrote:
Chronos wrote:
I think you have pretty thoroughly established that you need to get out of your town and I think moving to the city is one way out of your rut. I have laid out to you how I would go about this if I were in the same situation. Have you attempted any of that?


I'd honestly would have to go back over my older posts to rejog my memory.
I don't really know how to become more independent without spending money way above my income, though. I also never really thought about having ambition or taking charge of my life in my developmental years. I thought everything would come to me on its own because of "God's plan" as well having the idea that "grown ups" knew everything by default.


What happens to the money you make working? Are you certain you would not be able to afford an apartment of your own?

Also you are not the only one who has had such a rude awakening in adulthood. A lot of us here missed out on some of the typical milestones people supposedly reach in each age group. I did a lot of developing I should have done in my teen years in my 20's, without having an adult around to ask for help like an adolescent/teen does and I am sure some others here feel like that to. So try not to feel so lonely with these experiences, because its not just you.


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10 Oct 2018, 1:28 pm

Marknis wrote:

I've been feeling both physically and mentally drained from my daily struggles that I haven't thought about that at all lately. I feel tired and worn out especially when I get off my job. I hate that so many people I know are married or are in long-term relationships while I can't even get a coffee date. It's not for lack of trying, I HAVE tried to get out of my rut but I always get dead ends no matter what I do. Relationships are everywhere I go and I still get asked sometimes if I am dating anyone or if I want children but I can only say no to the first question and that I can't even think about children since I can't even get a date.


You can still have an opinion on if you want children or not, you can say not currently...and whether or not you think you'd want kids. You don't have to just say 'no', people ask that because they are trying to make small talk or learn a little bit about you not shame you. I mean 'are you dating, and do you ever think you'd want kids' isn't exactly a yes or no question. So simply stating no is going to leave them hanging and kill any potential for conversation. And well conversation is how you get to know people and make connections.


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10 Oct 2018, 2:28 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:

I've been feeling both physically and mentally drained from my daily struggles that I haven't thought about that at all lately. I feel tired and worn out especially when I get off my job. I hate that so many people I know are married or are in long-term relationships while I can't even get a coffee date. It's not for lack of trying, I HAVE tried to get out of my rut but I always get dead ends no matter what I do. Relationships are everywhere I go and I still get asked sometimes if I am dating anyone or if I want children but I can only say no to the first question and that I can't even think about children since I can't even get a date.


You can still have an opinion on if you want children or not, you can say not currently...and whether or not you think you'd want kids. You don't have to just say 'no', people ask that because they are trying to make small talk or learn a little bit about you not shame you. I mean 'are you dating, and do you ever think you'd want kids' isn't exactly a yes or no question. So simply stating no is going to leave them hanging and kill any potential for conversation. And well conversation is how you get to know people and make connections.

I can’t help but think about how much dating is like job interviews.

If it’s someone who’s a potential date: Am I dating anyone? Well, that depends...what are you doing Saturday night?

Anyone else: not at the moment, no. Why, do you know someone who’s available?

A girl who’s IAR:
Her: My boyfriend wouldn’t like that.
Me: Oh no, I’m not interested in him. I meant us—you and me.
...or...
Me: what’s he got to do with us?
...or...
Me: well, he’s not here right now. What’s the harm in one teensy-weensy date? I won’t tell if you won’t.
...or...
Me: aw, that’s too bad. Hey do you have a sister? Is she available? What about your boyfriend? Does he have a sister? Or a cousin?

The more playful you can be, the better you can set yourself up for later success. You might not necessarily get dates right away, but it’s a good point of departure that you can eventually revisit another time.

The whole “are you dating” question can go down so many rabbit holes. Use that to your advantage.

Asking about children...that’s like someone asking if you like making money. “Why yes! I love children! Of course I want kids.” What you aren’t saying? Whether you have those kids with the person asking.



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10 Oct 2018, 6:54 pm

Marknis wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
Your life is what you make it. Be sure to make it a good one.


I am 30 now and it feels like my life is almost over.


I wasted money and health in my twenties. How I wish I was smart about being frugal and investing..

I am 32 and my life is almost over I am afraid



Marknis
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11 Oct 2018, 5:27 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Marknis wrote:
Chronos wrote:
I think you have pretty thoroughly established that you need to get out of your town and I think moving to the city is one way out of your rut. I have laid out to you how I would go about this if I were in the same situation. Have you attempted any of that?


I'd honestly would have to go back over my older posts to rejog my memory.
I don't really know how to become more independent without spending money way above my income, though. I also never really thought about having ambition or taking charge of my life in my developmental years. I thought everything would come to me on its own because of "God's plan" as well having the idea that "grown ups" knew everything by default.


What happens to the money you make working? Are you certain you would not be able to afford an apartment of your own?

Also you are not the only one who has had such a rude awakening in adulthood. A lot of us here missed out on some of the typical milestones people supposedly reach in each age group. I did a lot of developing I should have done in my teen years in my 20's, without having an adult around to ask for help like an adolescent/teen does and I am sure some others here feel like that to. So try not to feel so lonely with these experiences, because its not just you.


I get my paychecks directly deposited into a checking account and I use it to pay for my own food, car related things, entertainment, and therapy sessions. If I didn't have access to it, I would still be eating mostly canned food that my family buys, riding the bus to work because I wouldn't be able to put gas in my car contrary to what my mother thinks, and suffering from boredom because my mother hardly ever let me get any new entertainment; I had to rely on the internet to look for entertainment unless my mother decided to be generous.

I am short on time currently so I will get to the other parts of this post and your second one later.