Do you find the opposite sex quite distant

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My current female friend actually cuddles with me sometimes. Not intertwined like octopuses, but cuddling does happen, and we occasionally play-wrestle too. I don't have much of a sex drive, but these things give me the oxytocin fix I need. And it's human nature to enjoy physical contact with the opposite sex. The sensory enjoyment of such physical contact increased this year, when I started taking an SSRI, which upped my serotonin levels, which somehow interacts positively with the oxytocin.

If cuddling is what you're really after, how opposed would you be to attending an organized cuddle party? I did one twice. You show up, the facilitator goes over ground rules like consent, and everybody basically cuddles with strangers. In addition to regular cuddling, we did a "clowns in a phone booth" exercise, when you try to pack as many people as you can into a small painted box. There are also one-on-one professional cuddlers, but I've never been with one. You can see a man or a woman; they don't discriminate. Some people view them as no-sex escorts, but the cuddlers actively dissociate themselves from such a label.

In the past, I had two women friends, who I met though one of my existing male friends; they since moved away. They, too, were quite free with the physical element. Nothing sexual, obviously, and we never did things like cuddle or play-wrestle. But we were into Latin dancing, so we danced with each other a lot. At the time, I still had a high sex drive, but escorts met my sexual needs (when I wasn't in a relationship, that is). So I didn't act needy or creepy with these friends, which got them to trust me not to cross boundaries.

Like aliens from another planet, yes.

It's possible, but based on the information Hurtloam has presented, it doesn't seem that way to me. To my knowledge Hurtloam never had intercourse with any of these guys, and they never tried to persuade her to, which would allude to the fact that what you said is not the case. If they tried to persuade her to, I'd be more inclined to agree with you.

Aspie1 wrote:

3. Popular media.
Nearly every TV show made after 1980 depicts women treating their male partners (boyfriends and husbands) like garbage, and acting like sexless ice queens. This includes picking fights with him for trivial reasons, making him sleep on the couch, throwing away his prized possessions, and constantly refusing sex. And all under the pretext of "caring about 'our relationship'", of course. Bluntly put, the men you meet internalize those messages, and therefore view you as a threat. How so? They imagine you treating them that way, even if you wouldn't do that in a million years.

I wouldn't go as far as saying 'nearly every' show does this, but it's an observable trend, particularly in certain sitcoms.

Even so, I don't think this is making guys stay away from women out of fear that they'll be treated in a similar way as a character on a TV show. I think most people know how to sort reality from fiction. This TV trend has never even remotely had an effect on my desire to date, and I see no evidence that it does on a bunch of other guys either. If men are staying away from women at higher rates now, there would probably be reasons for that, but I don't think this one would even be in the top 10.

hurtloam wrote:

I don't know why someone wouldn't give a relationship a chance if they get along so well with someone else. Friendship to me is the first foundation of a good relationship.

[Color=firebrick]There are a couple of potential reasons.

A lack of mutual physical attraction is likely to keep a friendship from escalating, as is a lack of similar values, and compatible temperaments. For instance, I have a friend who's a leftist socialist type and we tend to get along fairly well when we hang out, but I couldn't date a female version of that. Our values would be far too disparate to build a relationship on.

In terms of wanting to develop a friendship with someone and then turn that into a relationship, I understand the appeal in that, but there are a few drawbacks if you're relying on only that method to find a relationship.

The biggest drawback in my opinion is that you're less likely to be on the same page regarding establishing a romantic relationship. In a scenario like speed dating or on a dating site, people are there with the specific intention of meeting someone to date. You talk to someone and if you don't hit it off, you find someone else. Little emotional investment and a lot of other options will make it easier to handle when things don't go as you would prefer they did. In contrast with trying to evolve a friendship into a relationship, where it takes time to cultivate a friendship, both friends must want that evolution at the same time, intentions are less clear unless they're spelled out, if it goes south you risk losing the friendship, and you probably have more emotional investment in it.

^ even if she had anything physical with any of these guys then she would just not say it here, we never know what really happened, so your post is just a big assumption.

In the internet you don't get how somebody really is and acts. The whole personality keeps hidden behind some pictures and some text. I think it's not the best place to find a partner.


That's totally right and seems a very bright statement to me. In the end it's the society and the artifical and limited way that people are causes this.
Nearly all of the most common religions try to limit the people to be in an easy and natural way towards each other. The most common religions in each country do cause most of the social rules there. Most people are religious and want to keep this because they identify totally with their imaginations. For this the only way to change the way that people are would be to create a new religion that is easy to identify with but causes totally different social rules.
OK, most people do just deal with the situation and try to find a solution that just works for themself. Don't know why I hate the situation as much that I want to change the world. May be just because I want more happy people around me instead of artifical and self-restricted ones which I face daily. Could be it's just a result of having Asperger's.

Ah the cat is out of the bag. I mentioned in another thread we were not physical, even though I do think there was more sexual motivation to their advances than long term relationship goals.

Even though we were friends. Even though there was sexual attraction. There was an element missing.

Let's just take the last 3 guys. Each one has been in the same situation with other women. Now, I dunno how physical things got with them, that would be speculation, but I see the enjoyment they've had in each other's company. The smiles. But nothing goes any further.

None of us women are enough for them. They give a little, but are always just out of reach.

"Stop going for the popular guys!" I hear you scream... I'm just going for who I'm meeting, don't come at me! I'm just doing my best. These are the people I'm meeting.

I'm not looking for advice. I'm telling you guys how it's been and wondering if anyone else is finding this happen to them.

If he’s really just after sex like what you say then why didn’t he wait a tad longer to get it?

The only explanation that he went for someone else, and she is probably someone you know of your social circle. Such lies happen all the time.

Guess he thought I would put out

His loss

If he’s like that, it’s better to find out sooner rather than later.

Did you even try to kiss him though?

Let’s not just demonize him just because he’s a man and we don’t know him. From what I recall you dated him for months?

If I am dating someone for the 20-30th date and have seen zero physical attempt/response from her (ie. a kiss) then something is wrong, then I would assume she just friendzoned me.

This has nothing to do with wanting sex vs long term.

We were friends for months. He was flirty. Bit aspie-ish in the doesn't like physical contact department. Seemed to really like me. Gave me smouldering looks. Finally asked me out on a date. Then dumped me after 1 date.

Tis weird.

It is not weird at all if he’s one of the “popular guys” like you mentioned and has a lot of dating options.

He's not popular though. He's quiet and shy and geeky.

I thought he was a safe option.

Do you know why he was still single?

How old is he?

Late 20s. He hates dating. Hates trying to work out the social rules. He's waiting for that magic "one". Not found her yet.

He’ll probably discover in his late 30’s that magic doesn’t exist.