Being friends after a breakup

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Yes, I have a wide range of friends and acquaintances. One of my other male friends may be interested in me, but I'm not 100% sure.

Either way, keep trying to find a partner, don't hope for this one.

Last time I couldn't do it.

Oh I'm definitely not hoping for this one, it would maybe be nice if he changed his mind, but there's no point pining.

I just want to find a way to deal with all of my emotions and maintain a happy status quo.

At the moment I'm still up and down emotionally. I'm feel pretty awful today.

When you've reached the point where a romantic relationship is something you both are strongly considering and talking about, does this include a conversation about your respective philosophies on what "love" fundamentally is?

IMO it's very important to have such a conversation. A lot of people have the idea, based on pop culture, that love is all about being emotionally excited about each other.

IMO that's wrong. IMO emotional excitement about each other is a sporadic by-product of love, but is not true love itself. If someone thinks that love itself is all about being emotionally excited, then that's a sure sign of trouble ahead, because emotions inevitably wax and wane.

IMO, true love is all about caring deeply about each other's well-being. It is NOT my partner's job to provide me with emotional excitement, nor is it my job to provide my partner with emotional excitement.

So, IMO, it's very important to weed out potential partners who are "in love with love" as early in the game as possible.

We are so on the same wavelength!

I haven't discussed the nature of love with them, we never get that far. For some reason they give up on me.

Yes, I agree with your thoughts on the nature of love. But it's so difficult to find someone of that emotional maturity. Or if they have the potential to grow, i never get a chance, they bever give us a chance.

I'm loath to discuss what happened with this guy because I think that if he stumbles upon this forum he will be terribly hurt by all of the things I've said so publicly.

But I've tried to make my comments about me and how I'm dealing with things, not him. I've actually discovered some good things through this mini disaster, things about what I'm looking for and how I perceive love.

This is a great takeaway from failed relationships.... I try to do the same thing, even though sometimes it takes a while for the hurt to wear off and let you learn a thing or two from the experience

This describes my situation to a T.

How do you usually go about finding your friends (some of whom eventually become potential boyfriends), in the first place? Do common interests play a key role, and, if so, what kinds of interests? Or, if not, then what else brings you and your friends together?

Mutual interests and I meet friends through other friends. All sorts of people. From all sorts of backgrounds. There's no common interest specifically.

I don't think it is a good idea to make a friendship develop into a romance, for many reasons. The main one is that the relationship will lack passion and a proper connection that only can develop through a crush. An additional one is that I don't want to waste good friends as I don't have many of those.

I also believe that it's not a good idea to go from a romantic relationship (or dating) to a friendship. At least not for a while. I'm friends again with an ex from 30 years ago, and that is somewhat appropriate given that we no longer share any romantic feelings. I'd say five years is an absolute minimum of not going back to friends again, but it will depend on the level of feelings you had.

A good romantic relationship shouldn't require ANY talking about anything. If you need to talk about everything you are not in an ideal relationship and probably have an incompatible partner or lack a more proper communication channel.



It is. If this aspect is lacking, it's a friendship and not love.



Disagree.



It's easy if you are compatible. If you are NT you probably enjoy spoiling your partner with presents and other excitement, and if you are not (ND), then you can just skip that fuss and send happy feelings directly between each others.

Hmm, about excitement. Well, yes you don't want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't make your heart beat faster, but that can't be sustained every single time you meet up.

There's great love in comfortableness too.

But a friendship can grown to being exciting as well.

As ever we begin a conversation about a new guy. I wonder if I should give these guys aliases to make it less confusing.

Anyway, I've known this guy for 3 years, I met him at a friend's house. We met again a few months later at an event we were both interested in. And we met through friends sporadically. At some point we exchanged numbers.

I realised that i like this person in general, so much I tried to pair him up with a friend. I was interested in someone else at the time. They didn't hit it off.

I kept in touch with him and developed a bit of a soft spot for him. I'd moved on to someone else at this point. That didn't work out, he's the one I'm trying to stay friends with.

But I ran into the old friend recently and from somewhere has grown some chemistry. He gave me a big warm hug. We both blushed when we talked to each other, talked excitedly.

So rdos, friendships can become exciting.

You can chase each other. That's sure to make the pulse go up & the heart beat faster.



Maybe that's because you are approaching romantic relationships from friendships, and so it is when they become more like romantic relationships that these "friendships" eventually become exciting?

I totally disagree that a "proper connection" can develop only through a crush. On the contrary, it seems to me that that kind of "connection" is intrinsically unstable. If that's what a relationship is based on, then what happens when the crush fades?

How long has your longest romantic relationship lasted?

Also, did you ever marry and/or live together with one of your romantic partners, and, if so, how long did that last?


Based on what you've said in previous discussions, it would appear that you've never had any really close friends. If I remember correctly, you told me that you've had intellectual companionships, but none of those blossomed into emotionally intimate friendships. Indeed you've even claimed (if I remember correctly) that emotionally intimate friendships are something most ND people aren't capable of at all.


I guess that's one of the consequences of having romantic relationships (or dating) that start with crushes. And, to me, that's an absolutely unacceptable consequence. That's one of the reasons why I would never, ever want to have a relationship that starts with a crush.

I want a romantic relationship that starts not with a crush but with being sufficiently close and comfortable with each other that we can count on remaining close friends no matter what else does or does not happen. That, to me, is a sine qua non.


If you happen to have found someone with whom you are sufficiently on the same wavelength that you don't need to talk, that's wonderful. But, for me, the probability of that happening is now and has always been so low that I would never even remotely consider making that a goal. Besides, there are other levels and kinds of intimacy that simply cannot be attained without talking (or otherwise verbally communicating, e.g. via writing).


It can be something much, much deeper than the kind of friendship that you say you have known, if I remember correctly from other threads. The kind of relationship I've always wanted, and that I now have, can best be described an emotionally deep, committed friendship with an erotic dimension.


Or we can just enjoy cuddling, which can sometimes be a source of excitement but doesn't need to be a source of excitement all the time. What's important is a deep sense of comfort, emotional intimacy, and caring.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 06 Aug 2019, 10:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

I had a very strong connection with my 1st girlfriend & we were best friends for a while before we got in a relationship.


Your rite that cuddling can be exiting but it's still very nice even when it's not.

Friendships after breakups are not worth it.
One person seems to always hurt and it also creates problems in future relationships.
It's best to cut ties and put your emotional resources elsewhere.