Who can afford to be angry

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Staying with you would have been like sitting on a timebomb. Do you have more self control a year later?

The people in the cafe maybe thought that you were getting cranky and wanted you to leave. You sound as if you were cranky, 24 hours in one place is abusing the situation. Buy a cake, do something to ease the situation, that's uncomfortable to be around, wondering what that guy is doing. Why not follow a precident, tow the line, do the thing that is expected? Yes, there isn't a sign on the wall telling you but do you see how it might make the waiters uneasy?

I don't know QFT, how does this sound? Put yourself first, then other people, then your thing, ie physics.

If you put your work first, run yourself into the ground and pur others last, h ow can you expect good relations?

I get your drive, but really, you're not making things easy for people.

Really, even if you reach your goals no good will come of this.

Did you tell them that you had a paper to finish and needed a place with minimal distractions?


I would never let you be my boyfriend.
You got angry at one person and you release your anger on somebody completely unrelated?
Unacceptable.

The pattern beyond young women avoiding you may be caused by you coming out as agressive and intimidating. From what I've learned about women in USA, they are not trained to deal with it.
It doesn't matter that you're not agressive physically, you were agressive as hell verbally.

You need training in emotion management. You really need it.

It seems to me QFT that your stress builds up and then poof explodes at the wrong people at the wrong time. Perhaps a professional can advise you about stress management.
It must be really frustrating to be misunderstood, I'm sorry that you have to go through that.
I agree with Domineekee about the cafe. The waitress probably thought you were a nutter because it is unorthodox behaviour to sit in a cafe and hardly order anything for 24 hours. Was not being alone comforting? Was it part of the reason for being there? Do you have any physical exercise? You need to release all that nervous energy.

Edit: Magz is absolutely right, you need serious help in processing your emotions. You are really messing up and hurting people big time.

I have been told similar things as well:

1. So in 2003 -- 2004 I dated a girl in Minnesota and in 2004 I transferred to Michigan. When I was moving to Michigan, my first ex first told me that I shouldn't interact with my female roommates since I am naive due to my Asperger and therefore won't know when I am crossing a line from friendship to intimacy -- yet she CAN interact with guys since she doesn't have Asperger and so she knows what not to do. This, of course, offended me, so I started arguing with her. But then at some point she told me that actually she isn't worried about my starting a relationship with other girls because she doesn't think I have an ability to do so. That of course insulted me even more. But she just said it in as-a-manner-of-fact way, which was even more painful. I can't say she was trying to provoke me, she wasn't, she was like "here are what the facts are, now stop arguing". In any case, SHE was the one who ended up cheating on ME: she broke up with me three months after I moved when she found someone else. But then again, the reason she broke up is that I stopped contacting her or answering any of her calls and emails ever since I moved. Yet, at the same time, I did it because she treated me as a little kid (as evident from the above couple of examples -- among with lots of other things she did throughout the 8 months when I was in Minnesota) so when she said she was going to move to Michigan few months later, I was scared of getting stuck with that kind of person for life, so I ended contact, which caused her to break up. But here is the thing though. Remember how she said that I shouldn't interact with girls yet she can interact with guys since I lack awarenness and she doesn't? That was in the context of me catching her creating a new profile on a dating site and asking her about it (even though I otherwise didn't write her, I still had password to her email and was regularly checking it). So when she tried to defend herself as to why she CAN start a profile on a dating site, thats when she said she doesn't have Asperger so she knows how not to cross from friendship to dating. Yet, two months after that, when she broke up with me -- I actually called her out on it and ask "so did that profile that you created have anything to do with you breaking up with me now" -- and she said "yes it does; I created this profile, and several more, because you were the one who stopped responding to me, so you deserve what I did", something along those lines. In other words, first she denied that what I called her out upon had any intention of dating other guys -- since she doesn't have Asperger and she knows better -- yet two months later she told me that actually I was right and she DID intend on dating them, after all (but I deserved it). So she basically admitted she lied to me, without any trace of apology, as if my bad behavior supposedly justifies her lying.

2. I was dating a certain girl long distance, but she was on a rollercoaster with me, constantly breaking up with me to date other guys who were better and then coming back to me realizing she was wrong. Actually she was that way with other people, not just me. She was raped as a little girl and thats why she had loyalty issues. But she made it sound like it was about me, like she would say I can't stand your autism -- without telling exactly what is it about my autism that bothers her -- making me feel like she just judges me for my label. In any case, at some point she was interested in hebrew roots stuff (I am Messianic -- meaning I was born Jewish but came to believe in Jesus so I combine faith in Jesus with Jewish stuff) but she is not born Jewish yet she was interested in some ponit of doing some aspects of Old Testament stuff. In any case, so there was a passover, and she wasn't going to keep it -- contrary to what I hoped -- and so when I confronted her why wasn't she going to keep a passover, she said that she doesn't want to tie herself to Jewish stuff since she wants to keep the door open for non-Jewish men But wait a second: I thought she was dating me?! Yes, she broke up with me and came back several times, but I thought it was behind us, I thought now she was surely dating me! So when I confronted her about it, she said "well, I know I am with you right now, but what if we don't work out, I need to have other options open". So then I said "well, if you are with me right now, wouldn't my faith be the main one you are concentrating on? So why is it matching your faith to other potential suiters in case we won't work out more important than matching your faith to mine". And then, once again, she admitted to me that she isn't fully invested, and that we are not a good match because of my "autism" and that she is still looking.

3. There was a girl whom I met on a dating site, with whom things didn't continue beyond just the first day. And she repeatedly allude to the idea that I can't feel love due to Asperger. This happened to be one of the first questions she asked me, and I said yes. Then the other thing she said is that she thought I was too smart for her. So I asked her why she thinks that just because I am smart I can't feel love. Then she said that she didn't think that way, she was just wondering if I would look down on her. I said I wouldn't. So then she asked me "do you enjoy things like hand holding or are you mostly just intellectual". But wait a second, "intellectuals" do hand holding too, don't they? So what she *really* meant was *not* that I am an "intellectual" but rather that I am an aspie but since I am unaware that NT-s are not like that, I would *falsely* assume that intellectuals are that way too -- and thats why she acted that way to match the assumptions *she thinks* I would make. So I called her out on it that its not the case. In any case, we talked for the whole day and at some point I went grocery shoping and the phone got disconnected when I was at the store. I decided not to call her until I leave that store since I need both hands to do my groceries. What she asked me right before then was something about mapquest about the place I was about to move to. So when I came back from the groceries I told her I didn't know how to use mapquest. She was surprised about the fact that I was not good at technology since Sheldon supposedly was good at it I was offended by that comment too, although I let it slide. Then, probably 15 minutes later, when we discussed mountains at the place I was going to move (I was transfering schools) I mentioned my ex lived there and she liked those mountains. So then she called me out on the fact that I bring my ex-s a lot and asked me if I was over them. So I said I wasn't emotionally feeling anything towards them it is just that one of them was Miss Nebraska and I can't let go of her title (actually I twisted it: the ex that went to those mountains was NOT Miss Nebraska; but I guess the way I can justify that twist is that she probably didn't call me out because of that one mention of an ex -- but rather she called me out on what I did throught the day -- and I am sure I "did" mention Miss Nebraska on those other occasions). Now her response to this was: so I was right that, due to your Asperger, you can't feel love; you just have a loudary list But wait a second: plenty of people are after people that are famous! They aren't all Sheldons without feelings! So then I called her out on it, and she wasn't replying right away (well, she was taking like 3 or 4 minutes to reply, unlike before when she would take only few seconds) but when I kept repeating over and over then she said that it was because I weren't expressing any feelings towards her. So my first answer was "how am I supposed to feel anything towards you if I only knew you for a day". To which she didn't reply right away. But then something else occurred to me, so I sent her the next message "maybe the reason I don't express any feelings towards you is that you don't express any feelings towards me -- and you don't express feelings because you are assuming I can't feel anything -- so its self fulfiling prophecy". And then after she didn't reply to this one I sent her the other one saying "so you jumped to conclusions because I don't express feelings; shouldn't I ask you the same exact question why don't you express feelings towards me". Then she answered it and said "I don't express feelings right away anyway". So then I said "how can you say you don't express feelings anyway if you thought it was the exact thing that was weird about me?" Then she suggested that maybe if I want her to express more feelings I should ask her more questions about her life and her family instead of just talking about myself -- but thats for a future reference since she had to go to bed. So then next morning I again picked up with that conversation, but all she kept saying was "I am sorry" and I was like "no you are not, you are just sayign it to shut me up" because that was literally the only thing she was saying in resposne to my terades. Then at some point she stopped replying for an hour. So I sent her a bunch of insulting messages, and after that hour was over she said she wasn't ignoring me -- she just layed down for an hour and had a nap -- but doesn't want to date me because of the aggressive messages I been sending her that hour. So she acted as if it was all my fault totally ignoring thigns SHE been sayign prior to that.

OK, thanks for sharing. That was a lot of detail and I'm feeling slightly burn out and unable to sympathise. I've had difficulties, made mistakes, got regrets, mainly stemming from communication, boundary and esteem problems. Being socially blind and with someone who is hyper-aware of socual and linguistic cues, resulting in a load of crap for voth parties.
What you're describing sounds like a whole different level of bickering that I don't have the will to delve into. It sounds petty and arguementative and I'm not picking up on any sign that you ever once cared for ant of the people that y ou mention. I'm picking up on many instances of perceived slights, followed up wirh agression.
What do you want at the end of all of it?

I wouldn't have done my paper at Denny's. I would have done it in my apartment.

Do you live with a roommate who is disruptive?

How come Denny's? It seems to me that my own home, my own bed, would be more comfortable. Even my own computer and table.

The waiters and waitresses at Denny's probably didn't like the fact that they will not get a big fat tip for all the time that you spent at Denny's

As far as whether or not I mentioned it during the 24 hours I was staying there, I don't remember. If someone were to ask me what was I working on I would have probably answered. But I am leaning to think they probably didn't ask me (if they did, I wouldn't be complaining why they don't talk to me). But in any case, if they asked me, I would have said "I am working on such and such" -- but I wouldn't have mentioned "minimal distractions" thing since I thought it was self evident: I mean lots of people study at the caffees. I guess Dennys is a restaurant rather than a caffee so its different. But I seen people partying there and taking lots of time this way. So if some people spend lots of time studying at caffees and others spend lots of time doing something other than studying in Dennys, then why can't I study in Dennys?

As far as whether or not I mentioned it when they asked me to leave, the answer is no. The reason I didn't mention it when they asked me to leave is basically out of principle. Since I wasn't breaking any laws, I was supposed to be allowed to stay there -- regardless of my reason or lack thereof. Now, lets say that I am in some other caffee that closes at certain time, but I have something extremely urgent so I need just 5 more minutes to finish it up -- well, in this case, yes, I should explain what it is (although I normally would never do that, I would leave the very moment it closes). But here Dennys wasn't closing was it. So why do I need an explanation as to why I stay if I do what I am supposed to be allowed to do? By providing them an explanation I am basically reinforcing their assumption that I generally shouldn't be allowed to stay -- and thats a wrong assumption. So in order not to get "disracted" from their assumption to my explanation, I simply kept asking them why THEY were asking me to leave.

However, half an hour later, I realized that my reason for staying WAS relevant, after all. But not in the way you would think. The way its relevant is this. Their stated reason for asking me to leave is that they worry about MY health (not theirs, only mine). So if they worry about ME so much -- yet neglect the fact that *I* need to study -- they would basically be contradicting themselves. So I should have brought up the reason why I was staying in order to call them out on the way they contradicted themselves. But I didn't do it at the time since it didn't occur to me. However, I came back to Dennys the next day and pointed it out this time (so thats when I probably mentioned the minimal disraction thing, but I am not entirely positive) but the manager just reiterated what he told me earlier (it turned out the manager was the one who asked me to leave).

In any case, what that manager told me during that conversation is that if I want to study for 6 or 8 hours its fine but 24 hours is overboard. So I been studying throughout the night at Dennys several times since. Most of the time I would study quietly without causing any problems. But a couple of weeks ago I overheard a conversation between two waitresses saying that somebody is ugly and so I asked them whether they talked about me. They answered that it wasn't me, rather it was one of their co-workers that stole their phone that they were able to track down since it had that tracking devise installed in it. They said she doesn't have her own phone and asks to borrow a phone on regular basis and this one time she stole it -- so I asked why couldn't she buy her own phone but they couldn't answer.

At the end of the phone conversation I told them that I have Asperger Syndrome and that was why sometimes I feel like its about me when it isn't. And I said I noticed nobody talks to me so I wonder if my Asperger was why. Actually it wasn't the first time I told them about Asperger. There were a few other times when I lost temper over something and I mentioned Asperger those times as well. In any case, few days *after* that conversation about the phone, one of the waitresses apologized for the fact that she "treats me differently" in a sense that she doesn't talk to me as much as to others -- and she said it wasn't about me she just didn't want to disturb me because of all of those studies I was doing. And she told me I am welcome to stay there as much as I want -- and added herself that she understands why I have to be there cause its easier to concentrate.

Now I was *about* to bring up that incident a year ago, but she left before I had a chance to do it What prompted me to want to bring it up is that -- in her explanation why studying is not a problem -- she told me that everyone knows who I am and that I am studying. So the question is: why did they have to tell it to everyone? Why would there be a problem if they didn't tell? That, and the other thing that she said was "we aren't going to tell you 'you been here long enough you have to go' I don't think we should". But that was exact thing I was told a year ago. So I was going to say "wait a second, they said it to me a year ago in those exact words" and I wanted to find out if that was what she was referring to (I don't think she was there a year ago, but was she told about it from others)? But like I said she left before I had a chance to say anything.

Incidentally, when she said that people were told who I was, she also mentioned that they were told that I am "attentive to things" and I asked "what do you mean attentive to things" and she said that when I overhear conversations I ask questions about them. But actually I only remember three times I asked about the conversation I overheard: one was when they made a remark about me staying there for 24 hours, the other time was the conversation about ugly waitress stealing a cell phone, and the third time was I overheard them talking about the book of revelation so I asked about it. There might have been a couple more times, but keep in mind I was here for three years, so if out of three years there were around 5 times I overheard conversation, why would it be something worth warning people about?



See this word "never" -- that implies I will never change? That is actually the main reason for my anger. If people were to say "next time don't do this" or "here is what you should do better next time" I would have said "thank you". But when people insinuate "you did it so you are a loser so there is nothing you can ever do to be any better" -- then of course it makes me angry.

P.S. I know you are married -- I am just responding to the hypothetical since you brought it up.



Yes, this is what I suspect as well. But here is the question: seeing that outbursts like that don't happen more often than once in few months, how do women know I am aggressive? Is it

a) During those rare occasions when I did them, they spread rumors about me?

b) The fact that my tone of voice is naturally very loud (a lot of people told me that) and my hair is messy is what makes me come across as aggressive

In both cases the question is: what am I supposed to do?! If its "a", I can't change the past. If its "b", I can't change the way my voice and hair naturally are.

I mean I tried hair gell, but it feels like a glue, it can't be healthy for my hair so I am not using it since I am already losing hair as is.

And, as far as the voice goes, during one of the couseling sessions the counselor asked me to speak both quiet and slow. So when I tried to do it, my tongue got PHYSICALLY tired from just speaking two sentences that way. But when I speak fast and loud I can speak for hours without getting tired. My mom (who happens to be speech pathologist) says its because I use vocal cords when I speak and I should just be using my breath instead. But I don't know how to speak without vocal cords it just makes no sense.



Thats another interesting question:

1. So, in Poland, what kind of "training" is it? Is it the parents teach their kids, or are there some special classes at school, or what is it?

2. And what is the way that they "deal with it" as you put it. Is it that

a) They yell right back
b) They say things to make them feel better
c) They act in a way that won't provoke it to begin with
d) Other

I came from Russia to the US when I was in the 8-th grade. Now, back when I was in Russia, the whole ostracism wasn't an issue. The issue was bullying, and some of the bullies were physically threatening me. And yes, I had both male and female bullies -- and I was scared of both of them. So back then I wouldn't possibly be complaining "why don't people talk to me". First of all, they did talk to me since, unlike Americans, they weren't afraid of me, I was afraid of them. And, secondly, if they were to ever stop talking to me -- I would say "thank you" -- I couldn't wait to get away from them.

Now, if by dealing with it you are referring to something like this, then here is a question: in case of kids, yes, its possible for some girls to be stronger than some boys. But in case of adults, I don't think its that common for women to be stronger than men. Or are you saying that if I were to go back to Russia then some of them might be? I mean its possible, seeing how Russians in general are stronger than Americans so, since I am weaker than most Russian men -- its logically possible Russian women might match my strength. But then what if -- instead of me -- we were to take a Russian man of average Russian man stength -- what would the Russian women be doing in that case? (I guess I should be asking you about Poland, I am just assuming its similar since its both Eastern Europe).

Or are you saying that you talk about verbally dealing with it rather than physically? Like my current thesis advisor is from Bulgaria. Now, he is a man, but perhaps the way he talks to me is shared by both genders? In any case, every second time I see him he tells me that all of my work is a bunch of nonesense. And the other times I see him he says that maybe its not nonesense after all, maybe its good. In any case, I never threw tantrum on him. I just wouldn't have guts to. So what he says is NOT a response to my tantrums -- its him being frustrated about my WORK not being up to his standard. But here is a question: do you think he knows about my tantrums with other people and what he does is a type of "preemptive strike"? He was smart enough to know that if he gets angry over my work then he won't ever be target of angry outbursts others might be targets of?

But then again, I don't think I threw any tantrums in the department anyway. The closest thing to this was the one time when I *thought* I lost all the grades that I was supposed to record, but then I found them a couple of weeks later, but they took away my teaching, so I was arguing with them to give me a teaching back. Yes, I was pretty rude and persistent -- but I didn't cuss at any of them. In any case, that current advisor of mine was actually in favor of me getting a teaching back. And I spent like half an hour whining to him about the situation -- I mean back then he wasn't my advisor so I didn't get to see his critical side yet. So do you think his thought process was something along those lines "this student was whining to me for half an hour, so if I continue to be friendly with him, he will get more and more out of hand, so let me be super strict with him when it comes to something unrelated (his work) and that will keep his behavior in check". And, if thats what you think he thought, is this what you are referring to by Eastern European women being "taught" how to deal with aggressive people?

The other possibility is that, even when I am in a good mood, I might talk in a loud voice or interrupt without even noticing it -- and that is *especially* true if I talk about something intellectually involving, such as the project I was working with him. So maybe it had nothing to do with that other conversation (I mean it was two years ago) but rather the fact that I was raising my voice and interrupting him right then and there -- and his response to that might have been to start interrupting me and generally be rude (minus raising his voice part: his voice is quiet, but irritated). And so thats something that Eastern Europeans can do, but Americans can't? So if I speak in a loud voice and interrupt then Eastern European would start being rude (like he did) while American would politely end the conversation? Well I guess you can't exactly say he was blunt since he never told me I speak too loud or that I interrupt -- he criticized my work instead. But do you think that was his motive?

But then again, what puts everything I just said under question is that my fellow students were telling me that he is reputed to being rude in general, not just with me. In which case it *would* have to do with his culture -- but not necesserely with a response to my own rudeness. But we are talking about how would Eastern Europeans *respond* to rudeness.

Or could it be that you aren't referring to bullying but to something opposite. An "opposite" example was this. So somebody told me about the Russian group that meets sunday eventings at a baptist church. So I decided to go there. They had Thanksgiving party a couple of weeks ago. Now, Thanksgiving is an American holiday that actually starts this coming Thursday, but I guess they decided to do it early in case some people leave or something. In any case, during that Thanksgiving party, one of the first questions I was asked was whether or not I was single or married. I told them I was single and then they asked if I want them to match me up with someone, and I said yes. And then they started suggesting various people to match me up with and exchanged the phone numbers. Well, nothing ever came out of it: I haven't heard from them after that party was over. But do you think they anticipated that I am probably bitter about being single so -- in order to keep me from being bitter in front of everyone -- they decided to pretend to be willing to help me, and that is what Americans wouldn't do?

But anyway, maybe you weren't thinking of *any* of those things, those were just my own guesses. But what did you actually mean when you said that women in Eastern Europe are trained to deal with anger issues, and how were they trained?

Yes that exactly what happens. Thank you for emphathizing.



But if, instead of me, an NT were to do it. Would she have thought that person is a nutter as well? If not, then that makes me think that maybe the way I look makes people think I am a nutter and then my staying there a certain amount of time only reinforces it.



Actually it was probably the opposite. When I see people talking to each other more than to me, it makes me increasingly more and more frustrated -- which is what keeps happening when I come to public places like that.

The aspect of "not being along" that was helpful is that, when I am along, I might want to disract myself. Like walk around the room, or lay down on bed and fall asleep, among several other disractions. But when I am in a public place, that forces me to sit on the table and not get up. Thats why I do that when I need to concentrate.



I do long distance running.



No, thats not the reason I run. Rather its because my dad got me into running since I was little. That, plus I also been to cross country team back in high school, so I am trying to get the time I used to have.

Running for the sake of release of nervous energy is kinda messed up. It would make me think much less of running. I wouldn't do it.

I don't know why you used to be sympathetic and now you switched sides.

In any case, the reason it "sounds" as if I don't care about those women is "because" of the "slights", as you put it. Its pretty hard to care about someone when I feel that person has slighted me. If it wasn't for those slights then yes I would care.

At the end of the day I want a relationship, hopefully leading to marriage, that involves mutual support without any bickering or problems. Thats why I went to dating sites on the first place.

I totally agree with this 100% This is actually the reason for my anger: I feel like people judge me due to the outside things and never get a chance to know who I truly am. And then there are people who think that due to Asperger I can't love. I feel just the opposite. I feel like *they* are the ones that can't love since they replaced love with all those judgemental ideas.

Believe it or not, what I want more than anything else is heart to heart connection devoid of all those other things I obsess about. But I feel forced to obsess about them because if people are telling me I am not even a human then nothing else matters -- so I need to defend myself that I am a human (hence all those arguing). But if it were to get established that I am a human worth respect -- then I would be able to strive to the heart to heart connection you are describing.

I felt like I could do better in most of my relationships -- with two notable exceptions -- but no, I didn't verbalize it, nor did I break up over it. I mean I don't want to be single and lonely, so since I can't attract people whom I actually like, I am forced to settle. At the beginning of the relationships, I get excited just for the fact that the girl is willing to give me the time of a day; but then later on I have those recurring thoughts that I could do better.

My current roommate happens to be. But this happened a year ago and my roommates back then weren't disruptive. Studying at Dennys is a tool to keep myself focused so that I don't get tempted to walk off somewhere. By contrast studying at MacDonalds doesn't help since I pay in the beginning so then nothing keeps me there since I already paid. But places like Dennys where I pay at the end are helping me stay there and focus.



As far as tip goes, I leave 15% but I didn't make it anything more than that. They didn't mention they wanted more, they just said they wanted me to leave. So are you saying that they said one thing and were hoping for something else. As in

a) They hoped I would guess its about making tip bigger without them saying it
b) They hoped I would try to stay longer again -- contrary to them telling me not to
c) And so they hoped I would use bigger tip as a persuasion tool to stay longer

Is this what you mean?

If its not that, then it doesn't make sense why me paying 15% tip and leaving any better than me paying 15% tip and staying 24 hours. How is my staying "diminishes" from the tip that I give?

Last edited by QFT on 26 Nov 2019, 8:54 pm, edited 3 times in total.

It's not "you," per se.

It's because they feel responsible for you---as a customer.

This Denny's might be in a sort of isolated area; otherwise, the staff wouldn't have liked it if you stayed there 24 hours taking up a table. Denny's can get really crowded sometimes, with up to one hour waits for tables.

They don't mind "you," per se. They just need tables to sit people who want to order meals.

By responsible for me, are you referring to things like my health (since that manager guy told me that its not healthy to stay for 24 hours)? Now, I don't agree with the whole concept of them being responsible for my health. They are only responsible for selling me food. But, for the sake of the argument, lets pretend that I agree they should be responsible for my health. In this case, if they ask me to leave, there will be nobody to watch after my health once I leave. So then my health will deteriorate even more -- and it will be their fault since they were the ones that asked me to leave.



Actually, that area is not that isolated: its around 10 minute walk from the airport on one side, 10 minute walk from the dorm on the other side. Also there is IHOP, Applebees, Wafle House and Village Inn within like 1 or 2 minute walk from it. But at the same time its not downtown either. I would say it is rather outskirts -- although its within half an hour of walk from the university.



When it becomes crowded I leave on my own without them having to ask. The whole point is that, that particular time, it wasn't that crowded. Problably only like 3 or 4 tables were taken. Thats why I didn't understand why they wanted me to leave.

Last edited by QFT on 26 Nov 2019, 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I misspoke. Actually I give then 15% tip every time I come. What I meant was that I left without fat tip, as in I gave them the usual 15% instead of giving them something much more.