Girls dad disapproved of me because of my Asperger

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QFT you remind me very much of someone I have been seeing, also an aspie. You don't seem to have a clue when you offend someone, but are easily offended yourself. I don't know if a remedy for this exists, I have been trying to find one. It is a total inability to understand the emotional response that you trigger in others, obviously unintentional, but nevertheless cutting through the other persons' feelings like a cleaver.

It has been suggested to you before to seek help in identifying and responding to emotional and social cues, I strongly suggest that you take this advice. You obviously yearn for a relationship and seem to be blundering like an elephant in a china shop.

It is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to yourself and others to try and develop some soft skills if you want happiness, intimacy and not just academic achievement. My aspie friend has grown weary of trying and failing but I sense in you a resilience and obstinacy that if utilized in the right manner will serve you well.

Your dark-skinned beauty (yes, I love dark skin) is not for you. All you need to do is learn some tactful phrases parrot fashion, and teach yourself to use them almost as a Pavlovian response. You are not attracted to a girl, say " you are really nice, (smile) I'm investing in my studies just now so I am not really available just now." It may not be true but
it will not hurt the girls' feelings.

This girls dad was quite compassionate IMO and identified you as not prejudiced but emotionally challenged. He obviously loves his daughter and wants her to be with someone who will cherish her and protect her. He could have ( had every right to) been seriously angry but he was mature enough to see that your Aspergers is the essence of your behavioural challenges, which is likely the case.

First you need to own the problem, then seek a therapist who can help you "soften" your communication, be less oblivious of how your words affect others. My aspie friend can never apologise, even after being told specifically where his responses are inappropriate. It leads to a lonely life. You need to learn to do that, apologise, then you can begin forming an intimate connection with those close to you. I really believe that you can succeed. Ask questions like: "Have I offended you? I hope not, that is not my intention." Stuff like that.

Okay, which part of this is racist?

a) the fact that I don't date black women

b) the fact that I mentioned it

c) the fact that I used n-word

As far as "a" and "b" is concerned, don't you think it's racist that White person is the only one who isn't allowed to say that they want to date their own kind? If black person says they only want to date blacks it's not racist but if a White person says it then it is. My own motivations of dating my own race is not because it's better but because I want my children to look like me. So if I was any other race I would want to date my own race too.

But in any case, even if you do some how see it as racist, as far as part "a" is concerned I am not any more racist than most people since the majority of people are that way as evident by simple observation who normally dates whom. They just don't openly say "I date miss X instead of miss Y because miss Y is black". They simply don't mention miss Y, problem solved. But just the fact that they don't say it doesn't mean they don't think it.

So what separates me from others is "b". I actually say what I think and they don't. But that parameter isn't about racism, its about honesty.

As far as "c" is concerned, I agree it is wrong but this is about poor temper rather than racism. When I interact with white people and they offend me I find other hurtful things to say that have nothing to do with race. I often times would simply look for what would offend the given person the most so if they happened to be black then that's what I would use.

Besides, like I said, part "c" happened *after* her dad's disapproval. The only two things that happened *before* his disapproval we're a and b.

If you still have romantic interest towards her. Then tell her you would like a do-over. If she is agreeable to this then send her a bouquet of flowers, perhaps red roses. Then ask her if it might be possible for you to visit her and her family. You could sleep on their couch if they are willing. Work the date into your schedule. If she and her family are agreeable to this idea, make sure you bring the family a small gift when you visit their home. Ask her what type of gift would be appropriate. A few days together could tell you quickly whether she may be someone you might like to become serious with. If you are still serious at that point then invite her to stay with you and your family for a few days. Break the news with your family first, explain to them what you see in her, get them onboard. When she visits, tour her your school, neighborhood, and the special places you like to go during her visit. If all goes well up to this point, then make her your steady, your one-and-only. Ditch your dating website accounts and evolve being a couple.

QFT I think you are being too honest rather than being racist.

Walrus asked you to apply a filter as most people have a preference for people who look like them but it's unfiltered to say I am not attracted to dark skin or African features etc....that just puts down/demeans the other person (surely you must know this?). I am also a little confused in that she only has 25% African American ancestry then is it her appearance or her genetics that you feel awkward over?

In my view (after reading your post) is that the father was able to detect your open racial preference but put down your conduct to your aspergers rather than racism. Hence he (the father) thinks that your aspergers is the problem for his daughter.

Please move on...find somebody who ticks your boxes

I am willing to do the very FIRST thing you listed: ask for a do-over. I am not willing to do anything else you listed. The issue here is her dad's idea about my Asperger. How do flowers supposed to disprove it? Well I guess they might, but the question is: why am I supposed to prove him wrong if he wasn't supposed to make that assumption to begin with? Its like guilty till proven innocent. But yes I am willing to ask for a do-over. What I want to say is "since you were unfair the way you rejected me can I have a do-over". This kinda vibe.



That would be a really stupid thing to do. Why should I ditch a possibility of dating girls I might actually like in favor of one specific girl where I have no interest outside of proving her dad wrong?

Don't get me wrong, if I meet a girl I like I would be more than willing to close the dating account. But, like I said in the OP, she is not one of the girls I like. What I am pissed at is not the fact that we don't date but the reason behind it. This *reason* seem to imply that other girls shouldn't date me either -- and this is what pisses me off.

Actually the 25% african part is correct. But, apart from that, she is also 50% latino or something like that. Her profile said she is latino, but she looked a lot darker than that, so I asked her, and she said she is 25% african on top of latino.

But in either case, either one of these is a no-no in my book. Normally when I see "latino" in a profile I don't write to them -- even if they look white. And 25% african is also enough for it to be a deal breaker -- even if the other 75% is white -- which it isn't in this case.

I think people like her categorise themselves as Afro-Latina although for the online dating sites she might choose not emphasise this background so much as African American women are the least likely to get "swiped right" on dating sites.

I would advocate that she identify herself as a "person."

She might be Afro-Latina or whatever----but she is more of a person than an ethnic group.

QFT wants his baby to "look like himself." I feel like many people, actually, want babies that "look like themselves." I don't feel a different race/ethnicity in a sexual partner actually precludes this from actually happening. I've seen many multiracial kids who look like their parents---one or the other, or both.

I am glad I have had exposure to love with different races and ethnicities. This has taught me that "people are people." If I didn't have this exposure, it's possible I still might have had the prejudicial views of my early childhood.

Thats true. She is in Arizona, I am in New Mexico.



By the same token, you will be marrying into her circle of friends too. And, for that matter, if you are friends with someone you will be friends with their friends too. So this explains why unpopular people can't get dates or friendship, since people are too concenred about approval of their friends for above-cited reasons. But don't you see how unfair it is? Perhaps it is a self-perpetuating cycle. If only this cycle could be broken, maybe aspies wouldn't be doing as badly as they are doing.



That saying reminds me of something else that was unfair. So, back in 2005, a girl in the math class approached me. Unlike the current girl, she was perfect for me. She was math graduate student, pure German, and, last but not least, the sister of a senator. In any case, I mentioned to her that my mom treats me like a little child. So she decided that since my mom treats me like a little child, thats how I want the woman I date to treat me -- which implies I am not her type. But the part that she was missing is that -- even though its true my mom treats me like a little child -- I resent my mom for that very thing So why on earth would I ever want the woman I date to treat me the way my mom treats me if I resent the way my mom treats me?! But thats the part she didn't get.

I think the bigger picture is this. It is unfair when people assume that you will be the same way as you are in your current situation. If you are antisocial then, supposedly, you will be antisocial with the person you date (wrong!) If your mom treats you like a child then you would want the person you date to treat you like a child (wrong again!) And on it goes. Here is a bigger picture though: I resent my current situation all around -- whether it be my relationship with my mom, or my interaction with other people, etc. So one of the main things I am looking in a relationship is for someone to get me *out* of my current situation so that I can change already! But when people judge me by my current situation they are assuming I love it so much I want to stay there -- when actually just the opposite is true.



But she misinterpretted what I said about cats. I am thinking of cats mainly as a symbol of snuggling and I also use cats to symbolize my ex-s. But she decided I would enjoy those funny photos with cats sticking their tongues out that she shown me, which isn't true. And, more importantly, she thought I am *fixacted* on giving cats a pie or a coffee -- which is not true either, as evident from the fact that I never done it with any of the real cats I interacted with. Yes, in her case I would have given *her* cat a coffee if I was there -- but thats only because she gave me an idea. Yet she assumed that I was fixated on it all along.



So you are saying I have to give her a misleading information because the true information is too hard to follow? Thats what I don't get. Why can't I just tell people the truth about the TA and then explain what TA entails? Why is it too hard to believe?



As far as me earning even more money after I graduate, I myself am not sure whether this will happen, so I am not going to make promises I can't keep. I want to be a theoretical physics professor at all costs, but this requires publications and most of my papers don't get published. So thats what is holding me back.

If making money was my top priority they, yes, I could have given up theoretical physics in favor of something applied. But I dont want to do that, because theoretical physics was my lifetime goal ever since I was 9. I don't want to give up my dreams.



But in this case it wasn't that I, personally, didn't express love properly. Rather it was because she knew about my label and *other aspies* didn't express love properly, so I was judged based off of other aspies.

Here is my situation though. Most people I interact with think I am very cold. But my ex-s didn't share this opinion back when I was dating them. On the contrary, they said I was very affectionate. So it simply takes time for me to open up -- which is why it is unfair to judge me by the first impression.



But this type of response would only confirm the misconception people have of aspies. Basically the person making that response has no concept of love so they have to replace love with obligation. Well, everyone knows that aspies are good in obligations. The problem is that people don't think aspies have *feelings*. Well, I do. So I want to emphasize *that* point about *feelings* instead of re-directing it to obligations (thus confirming the misconception that I don't have feelings).



Saying that God won't bless *my* marriage is the ultimate condemnation. Its like telling me that -- apart from the fact that people don't like me -- God Himself doesn't like me. So they extrapolate simple social faux passes to the ultimate condemnation one can have.