Letting Go of A Toxic Relationship Kraftie, Was Right.

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The fact that he is autistic makes it even more confusing. Who can tell me about what triggers an aspies temper? I do believe that being tired/overwhelmed/ frustrated/ irritated is no excuse for being rude.

Does he know how triggering rude words are for you?

He hasn't used many, and those I found offensive and made him aware of, he never used again. He never says anything negative about me or my appearance, or my beliefs. Sometimes if he thinks I'm stubborn he gets impatient. He is very direct and unfiltered. Never intentionally hurtful. We are probably not an ideal combination for a harmonious relationship

Thank you magz. His autism and my pathology are a challenge. I have to say that he tries vigilantly to make amends and correct things when given the opportunity. We cannot seem to let go of each other. My therapist has given me doubts about my ending the relationship.

Even smart people get pulled into abusive relationships. It’s not your fault. You are strong and you are so capable of a healthy, happy relationship! I’m so glad you left! That’s a difficult thing to do.

Teach, I just share what I've learned and I hope it helps you understand your own situation better and make better informed choices. You do struggle with being easily triggered. He can't completely avoid triggering you. Is it worth it? It's up to you two.
In any case, working up some clear rules, boundaries and procedures would probably make things less turbulent. Aspies often lack tact and interpersonal sensitivity but usually know how to stick to the rules. You both may feel safer then.

My ASD report says that I am likely to be abusive, especially verbally. And sadly it's not untrue. I am 95% "sweet" or otherwise controlled and 5% abusive (my husband sees most of that). Just this month, my ASD coach congratulated me for my impulse control: across the elementary school parking lot (yes, in public with kids around), I yelled half of an insult at my husband, rather than the whole insult. Go me. (he tried to help, but hadn't communicated and so the help was unhelpful and I saw red). It was not a trigger for my husband, but still, I'd like not to embarrass us.

About triggering, I think it's more personality (or social conditioning) than ASD --- I have explained a thousand times my triggers and yet my NT husband continues to use them (bad habit, cultural conditioning?), while I am careful to avoid his triggers -that he tells me about or are otherwise obvious (e.g. only one insult triggers my husband and I have NEVER used it once he told me.) So I have ASD (albeit female) and I know and am careful about our triggers, but my NT husband is not as much. Of course, his perspective could be different.

Our relationship is often uncomfortable and we have big upsets, but we agree that the Pros outweigh the Cons. I don't know if other relationships would be "better", but what we have is good "enough". (And maybe it's actually great given our upbringings --- hard to tell.)

Wishing you find something "good enough" (in a happy way) or great if you desire.

The thing to do is to break the cycle I have been friends with females who break off one toxic relationship and just to go to someone just like the person they left.

I was stuck in a rut and was into the wrong type of girl. I broke the cycle and have been married for 11 years now

If a good person comes into your life give them a chance what do you have to lose at this point?

Does anyone here think that it's better to abstain from intimate relationsips if you have CPTSD and don't always identify abusive behaviour, or the opposite, see it where it doesn't exist?

I am positive that this relationship is not contributing to my recovery and there is no solid foundation of trust to stabilize it. Thanx guys. You are a welcome reminder that good guys exist.