“Back burner”

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I actually used to really look up to and defend my family even when they hurt me. My brain suppressed a lot of the things done to me until it became clinically depressed. The culture around me also pressured children to obey their parents using that one bible verse as justification and I was often shot down if I tried to stand up for myself so I started accepting being put down by my family.

Fort Hood is the military installation that makes up part of the Killeen-Temple-Fort Hood area. It’s right next to Killeen and where I live in Temple is about 30 or so minutes. The aforementioned bands play in Fort Hood a lot hence the “Fort Hood Metal” label. The base also heavily influences the patriotic attitude of most of the populace here. I see a lot of paraphernalia like “Kill ‘Em All, Let God Sort ‘Em Out!”, “Don’t Tread On Me!”, “Stomp/Burn My Flag, I’ll Kick Your Ass/Shoot Your Ass!”, and other hot headed phrases. There is also a lot of distrust for Muslims and even the people in the Aspergers support group I used to be a part of held those outlooks. A lot of them were also homophobic due to religious indoctrination.

I like some mainstream bands like Primus, Tool, Blur, and Faith No More though each of those bands’ respective levels of popularity are largely generational. There was a time DragonForce were raved about but I no longer hear anyone except one person talk about them. Same with Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir. I once made myself like Killswitch Engage in hopes girls at their shows would like me but it didn’t work out when I actually saw them.

What still tears me up is when I see people my age or in the late teens to early 20’s age range socializing at places like the parks and retail stores but I can’t join in because I am apparently a “creep” since I fell behind socially. The only ones my age who can apparently socialize with younger people are the ones who didn’t struggle socially like I did. I’ve even seen 40 year old men dating younger women and having sex with them (not in person but on a fling site I tried out of desperation that was unproductive).

Why is it that most other male users here manage to find options even when they fell behind socially but I have no options unless I give up my interests that are frowned upon by others in this horrible culture I live in, become a goodie two shoe church goer, and settle for women who do the same things, including “old grannies”.

Well those people socializing at places like parks and retail stores probably already know each other and are friends or acquaintances. Its probably not really about you...I mean of course you can't just join in with any group you see in public. But it doesn't have anything to do with being seen as a creep, and also no random person knows if you feel behind socially or what social status you have.

I do wish I had a sure way you could for sure make friends, but even I am not sure how to make friends to be honest so I probably won't really have any very good advice on that. I guess aside from if you find someone you want to be friends with or see something you want to be a part of where people meet in person you just have to get up the guts to go meet up or talk to the person you think you'd like a friendship with. Sometimes it can be helpful to go to some kind of scheduled group meet up because then you know everyone has at least one of the same interests and that can be a starting point for talking. But yeah I've always sucked at trying to make friends.

Why would you have to give up your interests...I mean why do you even care if the people in the horrible culture you live in like you? I say it would be best to keep your interests and start to at least consider and look at options of places you could potentially move. You have a job which means income, so you could probably afford at least a room-mate situation. Seems part of your problems are from being in a toxic environment, you can leave ...you work and have worked long enough it would provide enough of a resume for a new job and you drive, you don't have to stay in your backwards town forever.

I wasn't willing to do that myself, for me...my mom did kind of come around and so I didn't have to just leave her only to keep in distant contact. But some people perhaps you, might be one of those people that does need to cut some of those ties if your family is so intolerable.

I suppose it’s because being an individual in a society that demands conformity hasn’t paid off. I do see some guys with girlfriends despite not being “alpha males” or “goodie two shoes” types but I don’t have any victories for being my own person.

Well you don't even like the people you live with or that live around you...so does it really matter if they like you? You say if you got a girlfriend you would be willing to move, well you don't have to wait for that. Do you have any family or acquaintances at all that you get on better with, that you could potentially ask about rooming with? Really seems you need to get out of that house.

Also you've mentioned before you did have a gf in the past, things didn't work out but it should still count as something. Or do you feel you were acting like a different person instead of being yourself during that relationship?

Either way somewhere with less of a small-town mentality probably would not put so much pressure on conforming. Of course with the current virus situation its probably best to stay put for the time being but that won't go on forever.

These videos show how I feel like living in my area sometimes (These guys are based in Austin, by the way):









I suppose I want to prove them wrong but apparently I will just keep feeling depressed if I keep that mentality. Maybe it’s a pill I have to swallow?

I have some family members who like me but they’ve never offered to let me come live with them.

That girlfriend actually showed interest in me first so I don’t feel like I was being different. I suppose it was because it was a short lived relationship that my mind often forgets about it and another relationship still hasn’t come into my life. I did have sex for the first time with her but I stupidly didn’t use a condom.

I do have a lot of sexual fantasies I wish I could experience. It’s not to prove I am a “real man” but that sex positive behavior looks really fun and I want to feel the ‘warmth’ that it can give. I don’t think that makes me a Donald Trump Jr. or desiring “margaritas” which is something unbelievably stupid one of my detractors stated.

Your posts already do enough to explain how you feel living there, I don't need to see a bunch of video to get how unpleasant the bible belt is. And yes that is why I am suggesting you should try to get out of that hellhole. And yeah focusing on proving whoever wrong isn't going to really help, focus should be living your life how you choose.

And if you have family you get on better with, you could ask them about living with them. Just because they haven't offered that doesn't mean they'd all be against the idea...they may not even know you'd be interested. That said if one of them would allow that I am sure you would have to help with rent. But if not then you could look for ads on craigslist and such for people looking for a room-mate to split rent with.

Even if that relationship was short lived, it was still something...even if your mom does forget about it.

I certainly doubt any of that makes you 'donald trump junior', but also why are you telling these detractors about your sexual desires? You don't have to talk about personal things with people you feel are detractors, of course they are going to just find something mean to say so if you don't tell them anything they wont really have anything to pick at. I mean how is it you keep hearing so much from these detractors anyways?...is there any way to spend less time around them?

With most social places shutting down, I barely think about what I could be missing out on now. I did some drawing and story writing instead of just consuming entertainment since the library is shutting down.

Awesome. That sounds like good stuff. I'm doing the same--I have some projects to do that I'm finally catching up on, and am writing as well...but I can't draw, though.

Writing helped me get through some crazy times when I was a little younger, because it let me take all the weird stuff and disassemble it and put it back together. It also helped me end up with interest from girls--which is nice. I'm sure writing & drawing together are great fun.

Would you mind sharing some of your work?

I do think that The Atheist Experience speakers show that not all people in Texas are the stereotypical Texans but they do tend to congregate in Austin.

My finances are at their all time low but I am going to try getting them up this year. My tax return did help me get out of the red recently.

You mis-read “my mind” as “my mom”.

I don’t tell them to my detractors on purpose. My real life ones I give the cold shoulder to while the ones here comb through my posts and try to use them against me.

Well that is why I think you should go to Austin, seems there are more people who are a bit more open minded there. Even if you cannot move now, it could be a good goal to try and accomplish when you are able.

And yeah I did misread that, but even so its still not nothing, it was at least a short term relationship so it was at least a little bit of success.

Also I have not seen a lot of people trying to be detractors here, but I don't even get on here as much so I can't say for sure. But either way if you think someones being rude or just don't want to engage with them than just don't respond. At least that is what I do...but i am not sure you have as many 'detractors' on this site as you think.