Anyone terrified of being alone for the rest of their life?

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And,
If I may ask,
Apart from the comfort aspect,
What are these fears of which you speak?

I've always had the fear because at some point I become inept.. and the partner be it friend or date see that I am inept and I let them down.. doing simple things has become more difficult for me past few years.. I hoped to learn to date and have a better life, but ended up being alone waiting for something for years in a row.. living alone is no walk in the park, it will kill you and is a major disadvantage in many ways.

I know what you mean. I have lots of issues & problems that would make living alone very difficult. Most people would brand me a loser for that & would not consider me potential relationship material. My current gilrfriend cant really handle living alone either. Probably partley why she's very accepting of people like me.

^^^IMHO you're a lucky man

What dastardly plot do you plan to enact with such information?! 0.0

Some are life experience specific but without going into all of that, an example I think many people could relate to is about self worth.

"I'm afraid of always being alone" <- "I'm afraid no one is going to love me" <- "I'm afraid I'm not worthy of love" and "I'm afraid I'm not enough"

So in this situation the fear of being always alone and the strong desire for a relationship actually stems from a need for validation of self.

Dude,
You and your girlfriend aren't proper aspies.
You should go.

It sounds like you need to build up your self-esteem.
Depending on others for a sense of worth is plain wrong, imo.

Having a profound sense of self-esteem means you can cope with so much of life's crap and shrug it off.
I haven't been depressed or lonely in over thirty years, in large part because I value who I am.

It seems to me that you might be using other people's benchmarks on what it means to be worthy.
If true, why do you allow dogma/social-indoctrination to affect your emotional well being?

To dust off a very old saying of mine: "I don't chase other people's rainbows."

I actually thought you were going to go along the lines of:
- Not having someone to care for you if you got sick.
- Not having someone to drive you to and from the hospital/optometrist/dentist.
- Not having greater financial stability due to couples living cheaper than single people.
- Not having someone to hold your hair back while you throw up after a night on the town.
- And one of my personal favs, not having someone look after the house/pets if you have to go out.

Indeed I have some self worth issues and I'm fully aware of where they stem from. Many people struggle with self worth; which is why I mentioned that one in particular. It seems pretty rampant among Aspies too (points at random people on wp), but understandably so.

In my case it didn't come about from just social convention pressures or even all from others bench marks all that much (some but there's other factors). Not so simple

In any case it's easy to get buried, especially if a person isn't even aware thier self image (or whatever underlying issues they have) is the core of their "I'm afraid of always being alone" fear. It can be hidden in the subconscious, perhaps this is something that might go on for the OP to a degree.

I only mention all of this in the event someone else might relate or it might be of help. I'm not 12, 15 or even my 20's being terrified and so awfully dysfunctional any more. It'll be whatever ends up happening.

Do people actually list reasons like that as to why they are afraid of being alone? ._. I mean I can get a couple but "Not having someone to drive you to and from the hospital/optometrist/dentist."?? Are they wanting a life partner or a unpaid personal chauffeur? Yikes...

Yep.
I think a big problem for aspies, in particular, is their lack of assertiveness and having others dominate them.
That doesn't do much for self-esteem.



Altering your personal life philosophy may be in order, then. <shrug>
I lean towards being an "Omega Male" in not giving a hoot about social status, etc.
And I have a deep-rooted contempt for this toxic allistic social system we are forced to live in.
That provides personal strength and gives a greater perspective.



Perhaps a fear of being alone is the fear of the feeling of loneliness?
I don't have a problem with that, btw.
Do you have a fear of loneliness?

The fear of being alone could also be a primal/instinctual manifestation, in that being by oneself makes one more vulnerable to animal/human predators?
Your fear could be a remnant of our evolutionary programming?

I do consider the dangers of becoming old and more vulnerable to sociopaths and psychopaths.
That is why I am in the process of getting fitter and bulking up somewhat.

I am also working on my body language.
It is well known that human predators can pick up on vulnerable individuals simply by watching how someone "carries" themselves.
We live in a toxic life system. EEP!

I'm bigtime into metacognition and have comprehensively cleaned out my mind's "attic" of indoctrinated nonsense.
If you have done the same, perhaps you are simply more in touch with you instinctual impulses/programming.
I like hypothesising, btw.



Stoicism is a practical/realistic philosophy to embrace.
I utilise it also.

Kay sera sera, whatever will be will be...




Perhaps it is a stretch, but it seems a lot of people fear not having someone else to depend on.
Emotional support is also something some people desperately need.
I reckon it boils down mostly to social indoctrination and genetic predispositions.

I, on other hand, have pretty much depended mostly on myself, or done without, for most of my life.
These days I'd rather handle my own problems and tend to actively reject help, if at all possible.

being fit and physically tough matters not if you lack the brain for fighting.

Apparently, psychopaths and sociopaths target people who *look* vulnerable.
Go figure, <shrug>

that is what bullies do, in general.

Yes, I can relate.

^^^not even if the "love" is strictly conditional?

There's that but when you are different from the mass around you, there is a feeling of otherness. This tends to make people fee less than, especially when other people don't know how to interact with you. People have a habit of avoiding or hating that which they don't understand. this just adds to an ASD person's isolation. Then when it happens when they're young, the most likely thing for them to think is that there is just something wrong with them. When that kind of thinking goes on to long it gets ingrained and is difficult to unlearn such. There should be a warning label with ASD "You're different than the masses, your self esteem is going to to get smacked around, fight hard!"


My philosophies change with my mood Lol I think it has more to do with inner conflicts. What I feel often conflicts, and what I know(fact based) and feel also conflict.


I would say that is probably most accurate in many cases. Not that their aren't those that worry about not having anyone to 'support' them. Like if they can't handle money to save their life, then being alone and no one to help them with that would indeed be very scary. But I suspect is most much if comes down to being afraid of feeling lonely.

Me? Hum, I fear it at times. I've felt loneliness throughout my entire life, I'm kind of use to it. However, if I become attached to someone and I can see that things will be coming to an end, be it romantic or friendship I will feel fear for the loneliness and feeling of weakness that is going to come in.


That's a possibly too. We are technically herd animals, so we are likely to find safety within the 'herd'. And so not being apart of one, or having a companion certainly would make one feel more vulnerable.

I don't think you have to even look back that far in alot of cases though. I mean even if it is an old instinct we still have occurrences today that can mimic those more ancient situations. Social hierarchies, and 'clicks' can create the similar message.


This is true. People infer a lot of about each other from their body language and posture. People taking advantage of each other in that way isn't something that I would particularly consider the 'natural' system. They're just asshats.

I agree with auntblabby though. If you're strong of mind you should be okay. How you present yourself may help it terms of just not having to deal with it as much as if you looked 'weak'


I would say I've become aware of much of it. But to clean it all out, I'm not sure about that. I mean I feel like there is always something else to be found. And I'm not sure that all of it is necessarily a bad thing.


Unless someone is very self confident and self proficient at one time or another I imagine everyone have same fear of not having any support/someone to depend on. I don't think that's just a social indoctrination either. I was raised by a single parent who had to beg family to help her at times. A lot of people that have posted in this thread that said they fear being alone likely have worry of that same kind of thing. "If I need help and I have no one, what am I going to do?" That is really scary and it really really sucks to have to go through difficult things over and over again completely by yourself. Seem pretty normal to me for anyone to want to avoid that kind of miserable reality.

Learning to go without can help, but it doesn't necessarily erase the desire for 'help'/support. I can't speak for you, but I know there are plenty who get use to going without but while in the midst of something they still have a longing to be able to just be weak. But when you're dealing with something alone being weak is a luxury that isn't typically awarded.

So it comes back to some of what I was saying before. It's not always so much of "I'm afraid of always being alone", But "I'm afraid I am not strong enough to do life on my own, "I'm afraid I'm not enough", "I'm afraid I'll always feel lonely", "I'm afraid of having no to help me with X", "I'm afraid I'm not worthy of love", "I'm afraid I'll never know what it is to love and be loved" etc, etc

-I think I have the advantage of age, on my side.
-I don't care that I don't fit in.
-I avoid people, so it is mutual.
-I have overcome negative internal thinking through metacognition identifying what has been going on subconsciously.

Yep.
The dominant life forms, on this planet, are NTs.
And as a result, they make the rulz.
That doesn't make them right.
NT social systems are horribly dysfunctional.

Moral of the story: Don't believe the NT bulldust.

If "you" decouple your sense of worth from social indoctrination, you have no reason to devalue yourself, right?
If you avoid toxic people and situations, where you can, that helps a hell of a lot also.

The crux of the solution in overcoming the fear of being alone may lie in self-esteem.
Well, I think it may be a bloody good start.



I like who I am.
Do you?