15 Nov 2020, 5:06 pm
shortfatbalduglyman wrote:
Both parties bring many things to the relationship
Not everything can be measured
Every situation is different
50/50 could be a good ideal. But its pursuit, promotes scorekeeping
Not everything can be measured
Every situation is different
50/50 could be a good ideal. But its pursuit, promotes scorekeeping
... ... ...
Well said, in brief...
15 Nov 2020, 5:08 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage 
...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...
By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...
At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL 
Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it
)...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires
...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Damn!
You NTs do luv to "talk".
I'm only joking.
I don't have a problem with it.
I just skip past it due to my semi-dyslexia, mostly.
I will persist with good friends, tho.
There are some auties that do it too.
But it is good to see you adding paragraphs with spaces.
15 Nov 2020, 5:35 pm
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise )...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...
By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way --about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...
At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL
Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it
)...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires
...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Damn!
You NTs do luv to "talk".
I'm only joking.
I don't have a problem with it.
I just skip past it due to my semi-dyslexia, mostly.
I will persist with good friends, tho.
There are some auties that do it too.
But it is good to see you adding paragraphs with spaces.
Yes!...And i broke into paragraphs just for you
Clarification: Not all NTs are as open in communication as i am...Maybe the fact that we remain anonymous helps...Plus, knowing that we have a friendly audience...
16 Nov 2020, 6:25 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise )...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...
By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way --about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...
At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL
Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it
)...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires
...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Damn!
You NTs do luv to "talk".
I'm only joking.
I don't have a problem with it.
I just skip past it due to my semi-dyslexia, mostly.
I will persist with good friends, tho.
There are some auties that do it too.
But it is good to see you adding paragraphs with spaces.
Yes!...And i broke into paragraphs just for you
Clarification: Not all NTs are as open in communication as i am...Maybe the fact that we remain anonymous helps...Plus, knowing that we have a friendly audience...
I am starting to like you, even if you are an NT.
You can stay.
As you were.
16 Nov 2020, 2:27 pm
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise )...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...
By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way --about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...
At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL
Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it
)...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires
...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Damn!
You NTs do luv to "talk".
I'm only joking.
I don't have a problem with it.
I just skip past it due to my semi-dyslexia, mostly.
I will persist with good friends, tho.
There are some auties that do it too.
But it is good to see you adding paragraphs with spaces.
Yes!...And i broke into paragraphs just for you
Clarification: Not all NTs are as open in communication as i am...Maybe the fact that we remain anonymous helps...Plus, knowing that we have a friendly audience...
I am starting to like you, even if you are an NT.
You can stay.
As you were.
... ... ...
Thank you...
20 Nov 2020, 9:47 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise )...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...
By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way --about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...
At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL
Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it
)...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires
...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
So if I understand what you are saying correctly, "50/50" isn't about things being literally equal but, that you both put in enough effort where both of you are comfortably happy living together and one of you isn't being negatively affected by the arrangement you two made? If that's what people mean by that then they might want a new phrase for it then cause "50/50" to me doesn't say that and the way some people write it out doesn't say that either.
21 Nov 2020, 12:04 am
AquaineBay wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
As the wife of an Aspie, i think i am qualified to add to this discussion....Speaking in terms of 50/50 in a relationship could be interpreted literally, like when two friends are enjoying a dinner at a restaurant and they decide to split the cost in half...However, generally, 50/50 refers to the effort each partner puts into the success of the relationship...Although a 50/50 effort would be ideal--as in "you do the dishes one day; and i'll do the dishes the next day"--it is unrealistic...Sometimes, one will have to put in 80% of the effort, because the other one can only contribute 20%---due to illness, circumstances, and other factors...Keep in mind that i am referring to effort, but it could also apply to finances as when one of the partners becomes unemployed, and the one that is employed has to cover all living expenses...
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise )...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...
By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way --about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME
Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it )...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...
At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires ...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL
Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
Looking back to my horrible first year of marriage, i felt as if i was putting ALL the effort for the marriage to succeed...To me, it felt like a 200% effort...Still, all my effort did not seem to be enough to please my Aspie husband...And frankly, i feared that i alone would not be able to sustain the marriage for much longer...More than once, i felt like giving-up, and more than once, i gave-up...At one point in time, i was so fed-up that i screamed at my husband, "I DO ENOUGH!...I AM ENOUGH!"...And I then REFUSED to put any effort whatsoever, and proposed to end the marriage...(No manipulation, here; I was serious about ending the marriage!...Not because i wanted to end my marriage, but because the extraordinary effort required of me to sustain the marriage broke me health-wise
)...Miraculously, one blessed day, my beloved husband came through with the minimal 5% needed on that one particular day to save our marriage ...Because sometimes that minimal effort--FROM THE OTHER PARTNER--is all that is needed on one of those hopeless days...Gradually, my beloved husband has learned what i expect of him, and throughout our second year of marriage, he has adopted his role as my husband quite well...By the way, as i have learned more about autism, and as i have learned--the hard way
--about my husband's limitations (for lack of a better word), i have gradually adjusted my expectations of him...Now, i can say, with some degree of certainty, that my expectations of him are reasonable and within his own unique capacities...For example, i do NOT demand eye contact from him as i did in the beginning of our courtship...(Sometimes, i feel his glance over me; and i am pleasantly surprised )...I NO longer insist on holding hands in public as we customarily did prior to our marriage...Still, i am happy, because when we do errands together, he walks side-by-side with me at my slow pace and opens all doors for me, like a true gentleman...I NO longer become upset, because he won't even taste the meals that i prepare especially for him...Now, i just kindly propose that he takes one bite...And i tell him in advance that i will NOT be upset if he does not eats it...Thankfully, for my own sanity, i now understand that he is NOT purposely been difficult...I NO longer beg him to "please, please, please take a selfie with me"...(Photography has been my hobby for many years...It still hurts when i write this )...Since before the pandemic, i have come to accept that we will NOT attend any social gatherings together...And the list goes on as to the many adjustments in expectations i have made for him...BECAUSE I LOVE HIM...And I hereby clarify that my beloved (Aspie) husband has made some accommodations for ME , his non-autistic wife...BECAUSE HE LOVES ME Furthermore, for the most part, I RESPECT HIS PERSONAL SPACE...I voice in advance my request for a hug or a kiss as i slowly approach him EVERYDAY...He understands that for our hug to be beneficial to my heart, it must extend for at least 20 seconds...He is too 'sensitive', so i only ask for a superficial kiss (anything more would lead to intercourse when i don't want it
)...Other than the two 'intrusions' to his personal space above-mentioned, i DO give him A LOT of SPACE even though he has never asked for it...Because i intuitively have come to understand how important this is to his well-being...For the record, if it were for me, i would be physically close to my beloved husband at all times...My desire to be physically close to my beloved husband is prevalent, and will continue to be for as long as i am in love with him...This i hope is through the course of a lifetime TOGETHER...At present-time, my husband works full-time during the night-time, and i guard his sleep as much as possible during the daytime...When he wakes-up on his own, he knows that i am here for him at a snap of a finger...Getting back to the subject at hand, the unrealistic 50/50 relationship...Though i love catering to my beloved husband, i have to admit he can do mostly all household chores better than me--from cooking to ironing...And he works full-time at a time that i am unemployed due to the pandemic...Yet, when it comes to solving problems that arise on a day-to-day basis, i am more than happy and 'equipped' to handle these...For this reason, he calls me his secretary though i feel more like a fire-fighter putting out fires
...Having said the above, i will add to my list of NT wife expectations: "Gift me a bouquet of FLOWERS at least once a year as it is the tradition on 'Secretary's Day'"...Joke ...I hope by now you all have a better idea of how percentages work in practical terms in a relationship characterized by LOVE...MAY LOVE PREVAIL Post-Script: As to the comments about using sex as a weapon to reward or punish...It is sadly commonplace in the NT world...Because it is a BASIC NEED to NTs, so they use this to their advantage...Thank God this tactic would NOT work with my Aspie husband, so i don't feel tempted to use sex as a weapon...( I know this, because he told me when we first became engaged)...I suspect his past NT partners used such a tactic, and lost him because of this...Great for me as i won him!! !
So if I understand what you are saying correctly, "50/50" isn't about things being literally equal but, that you both put in enough effort where both of you are comfortably happy living together and one of you isn't being negatively affected by the arrangement you two made? If that's what people mean by that then they might want a new phrase for it then cause "50/50" to me doesn't say that and the way some people write it out doesn't say that either.
... ... ...
As i explained above, a "50/50" relationship is unrealistic and therefore unsustainable...And i agree with you in that the phrase is ambiguous and causes confusion, among NTs inclusive....
Let me try to illustrate my point...If your special someone is physically far from you, and you both wish to see each other...I am sure you will both be willing to make any and all sacrifices necessary to be together...Your special person may not have the money to cover the transportation costs of a 1000-mile trip to get to you...Perhaps, his or her monetary means only allow for a 500-mile expense...Under these circumstances, i am sure you would be more than willing to meet him or her literally "half-ways" at your own expense...
Now same story, different scenario...Your special someone suffers a personal setback, like a serious illness, that prevents him or her from traveling to you...Because you are well aware of his or her situation, and because your circumstances allow for, you decide to travel the 1000-mile trip, at your own expense, to be with your special someone in his or her time of need...When you are both finally together, you are both so happy that you know your sacrifice, in the form of time, effort, and money, was well-worth it...Your altruistic initiative will now inspire your special person to do the same for you, or reciprocate in the same manner, when your time of need comes...
Imagine doing this for one another FIGURATIVELY...How???... RECIPROCATING generously to small or big acts of kindness between each other day after day, month after month, year after year...Because you are not keeping count of each others' 'favors', your love for each other grows...And you learn that TRUE LOVE is infinite and cannot be quantified...(As to those who treat love as a commercial transaction or a business relationship, they will experience failure in their relationships and wonder why)...
In short, my advice to you is that when you find that special someone, ask him or her to please define a "50/50" relationship according to his or her dictionary...Only then will you know if you can meet his or her expectations of the relationship...I am here for you if you need further clarification...
21 Nov 2020, 1:25 am
Clueless2017 wrote:
As i explained above, a "50/50" relationship is unrealistic and therefore unsustainable...And i agree with you in that the phrase is ambiguous and causes confusion, among NTs inclusive....
Just call it an equitable relationship.
23 Nov 2020, 9:18 pm
Pepe wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
As i explained above, a "50/50" relationship is unrealistic and therefore unsustainable...And i agree with you in that the phrase is ambiguous and causes confusion, among NTs inclusive....
Just call it an equitable relationship.
... ... ...
EQUITABLE as in FAIR though not necessarily EQUAL...Yes!! !...Thank you Pepe...
23 Nov 2020, 10:17 pm
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