Do We Choose Who We Fall in Love With...Yes, or No???

Post Reply New Topic

I agree with this too. I've met some men who are very logical choices for me, we have similar interests and goals, but we just didn't click. There was nothing more than mere acquaintanceship, no friendship even grew, no matter how many times we interacted or spent time around each other.

It can't just be a logical choice. There are other factors.

I think it's funny how people find that love "just happens" for them. Nothing at all ever happens for me.

I have had feelings for men, but never reciprocated. I'm not a stone. I had feelings. But nowt ever grows.

INTJ here.

Is that really love or is it obligation though?

I believe in the sanctity marriage, which is why I don't think I can marry anyone. I'd rather be free and completely alone than be tied to someone I can't stand.

No one can stand me so it's not really an choice I'm going to make anyway.

But I hear couples say this and I feel like what they're really saying is "we're stuck with each other now because our faith is against divorce".

I have been "in love" before, or at least I believed that I was. The thing that ended it was my boyfriend inexplicably walking away at the first sign of turbulence. He then popped into my life with romance and flowers and everything early this semester. I tend to see love as a feeling and a conviction. We can't ultimately force ourselves to love someone else, but we do take steps to get to know people who we think we could love, like I said... Also, I think that solid relationships are founded on feelings of deeper obligation to your partner, not necessarily butterflies all the time in the moment. (Judging from what successful older couples have said, you stick together. The "magical" feeling may come and go, but you continue to support each other.)

Going back to my ex, my experience was that he tended to jump into things feet first and let his feelings in the moment about me control him. He was super inconsistent and indecisive. He was a very intelligent Comp Sci major and he was capable of thinking logically when he wanted to, but in life he definitely led with his emotions. He was fun, but not very dependable.

So, all things considered... no, I don't particularly believe that "love" should be an uncontrollable feeling that you must bow to the whims of.

I think it safe to say, it depends on the people involved.

... ... ...
You are hilarious

... ... ...
Absolutely love your analogy...

A lot depends here on what is meant by "we". Some choices are subconscious and we don't get any choice in them at all. I suspect our initial feelings of attraction are a lot more automatic than we care to admit, so I've ticked the "No" option. But that doesn't mean we can't override those feelings if there are practicalities, danger signs etc. we feel are important.

That's often described as "head vs. heart". You can be in love with someone but still choose to walk away.

As a hard determinist - no, you don't choose anything ever.

Getting a bit more grounded though, most of it is the luck of who or what is available and then the luck of your upbringing and how your own structure is put together (what works for you and what doesn't). If your not attracted it doesn't work. If they're way out of your league or too rare (like for me - run into someone I'm interested once every five years, good luck getting practice with that) then it's also not a good situation because you have to be able to convince that person of your value and there are few ways to do so actively rather than passively that don't wreak of desperation and devalue you in the other person's eyes.

Real and true love happens organically, not by choice or in the hope that love will grow over time. To say that someone is stable and reliable is not the same as love, then to choose to make a commitment most times leads to disappointment by both. I made of choice to do just that with disastrous results.

... ... ...
This was my case as well...Aside from my first young love in my teens...Later, my attempts at love failed grossly...Time and again...To be specific three times...To the extent that i concluded that the man for me did not exist!! !...Still, i believed in love, that i 'happens' to others...And that it would not ever 'happen' to me...Suffice to say, i am elated that i was wrong in my conclusion...Best wishes to you while you wait for love to 'happen' to you...

I'm 39. This crap is over for me

Yup, I know a few couples like that. One friend confessed to me that she's never been in love, but she was getting older and he was the only relatively, stable guy who showed any interest. They've been married for years.

I have a tendency to hyper focus on the bad experiences and it really puts me off marriage. How do you know who the good stories really are? They could be lying to save face. Maybe no one is happy.

Marriage is bad, lonliness is bad. Everything is bad.

Absolutely love your vivid illustration..Thank you...

... .. ...
Thank you...I feel the same way...This is a protection for us...To be able to distinguish between infatuation and true love...It is easier to walk-away when it is only a temporary feeling...(Thumbs-up)...

... ... ...
I was 47 when it f-i-n-a-l-l-y 'happened' to ME!! !... ...I have an inside joke...That my wedding banner--which i did not have anyway-- should have read "FINALLY MARRIED" instead of the traditional "JUST MARRIED"... ...Anyhow, i respect your opinion...It is your prerogative to remain single...

Lol, how did you meet?