Fed up with an aspie husband

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NT here, happily married to my beloved (Aspie) husband who, like many Aspies, does likes sex...In fact, in our relationship, i have written here in WP before, how he wants sex more frequently than ME...We have only been married for less than two years...And i fully understand that his sexual needs may change overtime...And that is ok with ME as long as my beloved husband continues to show me his love in other ways...As many NT elderly couples do when they can no longer enjoy sex due to some health afflictions...

Anyhow, you are right in that some Aspies are asexual, which makes them indifferent to sex...Please remember that ASD is a disorder that affects the individual in various aspects of his or her life...In some cases, this includes the ability to enjoy an optimum sexual life...Please keep in mind that not every NT women will take the time to learn about ASD traits as i have in order to be more understanding, kind, and compassionate to his or her partner on the spectrum...

As an NT, I believe I am qualified to clarify for everyone, here in WP, what you are trying to saying in this post...NTs, men and women, are indeed EMOTIONAL and SEXUAL BEINGS...When God created Adam, God said clearly that it is not good for men to be alone...God could have easily created a completely separate being to become Adam's life partner...Instead, God put Adam into a profound sleep and took a rib from his body...From this rib, God created Eve...And so together, they made ONE complete person...Why???...Because it was and still is God's will that man and woman enjoy the most INTIMATE of human relationships--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually...However, humans are NOT animals...We were created in God's image, able to cultivate divine, qualities like LOVE...And so, healthy SEX combined with LOVE equals INTIMACY...

Eating is a basic human necessity...However, because God wants humans to enjoy the act of eating, he gave us our taste buds...In the same way, God created us sexual beings in order to reproduce...But he created our sexuality in a way that it is a PLEASURE and not a household chore...So, to say that NT women put-up with all kinds of bad behavior from their partners because of their sexual need is a GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING of human nature from your behalf...True, many NT women put-up with a lot of (! ! !) from their partner, because of their EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT or LOVE which encompasses a lot more than just the physical attraction that leads to sex...So, please do not call a phenomenon the fact that NT women are sexual in nature...It is disrespectful to ME and many NT wives (to Aspies) who are not here to have their say...Thank you for reading...And have a blessed Sunday...

Post Script: Some NT women do develop health issues as a direct result of their partners' autistic traits NOT because of the deprivation of SEX but because of the deprivation of LOVE...I do not yet know of any NT women who have died for being deprived of SEX...My beloved paternal grandmother became a widow at age 29, when in her sexual peak...She never had any other man in her life...She died at the age of 92, still madly in love with her beloved husband...Similar case with my beloved maternal grandmother...

Even if he's autistic, not always the aspie's fault.

And autism isn't a mental disorder

You're projecting, and speculating wildly here. Don't forget this is a marriage you're happily writing off with these assumptions.

Narcissism shares some behaviours with Pathalogical Demand Avoidance, but the driving forces behind those behaviours are completely different. Given that professionals have repeatedly mentioned Autism and not Narcissism, if anything in his behaviour seems that way it's more likely PDA. But actually everything that's been said simply suggests an Aspie outwardly shutting down out of fear and anxiety. Or even simple communication breakdown and lack of understanding.

To the OP, I would suggest writing down everthing you feel, including the "why" and "how" bits. "When you do X, it makes me think Y, and then I feel Z. Is that what you intended, or am I misunderstanding you? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I just want this to work".

Be reassuring. It sounds as though he is already stressed. And also quite possibly feeling guilty if he knows you've been upset (a key difference from narcissism - Aspies can be anti-social but they do think about others, even if they have odd ways of showing it). You may need to wait for his second answer to get to the heart of things. The first could be deliberately rude or dismissive if he's trying to run away, the second will come after reflection and will be more honest, without any knee-jerk. But it might take a while. Some Aspies have poor emotional self-awareness, not only do they struggle to understand others, they also struggle to understand their own feelings and reactions. "Why did I do THAT?". It takes us time to figure it out.

Just in case it is relevant, here is a link to the PDA Society:
PDA Society homepage

I wouldn't be surprised if he is overwhelmed at the amount of interaction required to maintain a "normal" relationship, the responsibilities that go with it (both towards you emotionally, and also practically in terms of holding down a job, paying the bills, maintaining a home, potential fatherhood etc. etc.) and the risks of failure. It's quite easy to get into a downward spiral from there. The more worried you get, the more stressed you get, the more isolated and defensive you become, the more distant and upset your partner gets, the more you feel inadequate and guilty, the more you worry about letting everybody down......

Basically anxiety / depression with an Aspie twist.

Even if he's autistic, not always the aspie's fault.

And autism isn't a mental disorder

Chejana, Hi! I'm an Aspie husband. My bride and I are rapidly approaching our 21^st anniversary. We are devoted to each other and we drive each other nuts. (That's a two-way street, by the way, and I thought all husbands and wives did that--my Aspieness just changes how I drive her nuts.)

I can't speak for your husband but I can give a few observations from my vantage point.

If your husband is an Aspie then he is an Aspie whether he is diagnosed, or not. A diagnosis might not change him much. But, if you are sure he is an Aspie then you have a lot of information you can use with or without a formal diagnosis--and if you poke around on the Internet you can find a lot more.

https://lovinganasperger.wordpress.com/ ... ect-lover/

I don't know how my bride would describe our relationship and I don't know how much of the following she would agree with, but here goes...

I am predictable and reliable, like the tide or the planetary orbits. She generally knows where I am, which direction I will go, and how I will react--and she has learned to use me as a reliable anchor for her more interesting life.

I know how to amuse her. How I should help her. Despite being very predictable I still manage to surprise her (sometimes). And, in my own way, I try to make her happy.

https://aspiespot.com/an-aspie-loves-you/

The good and bad news is that Aspies are generally described as not liking change. But if he married you, then he made a huge change because he wanted you in his life.

We only discovered I was an Aspie after our 19^th anniversary. But we've been learning to live together since our wedding.

Oh, I showed my bride this comic today:

https://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2021/01/03

She laughed aloud and noted that I was a lot like that guy.

Also, remember he probably communicates differently than you do. He likely says what he means and means what he says, and if he says something he probably means that and nothing more. My bride and I have miscommunicated a number of times because of this difference! From my standpoint it usually ends up with me saying something like "But that's not what I said! What I said was...."

You are exactly right, there were times I got badly hurt because of the misunderstandings.

He usually has a habit to tell me important things via telephone calls, rather saying it face to face.
And I misunderstand him, and get hurt. Later, I talk with him face to face and he says that his intention is to tell me a positive thing and I have understood it as a negative thing.

As long as neither of you gets too worked up about it, the miscommunication can be sort of funny.

First memorable miscommunication for us was long ago. She changed her hair, I assume...I often don't notice...I figure, for the purposes of this story, that she must've changed her hair because this would not have happened otherwise. She asked me how I liked her hair. I told her the truth (I was new to marriage, now I know I should've changed the subject!! !), "I would prefer it longer." For a week she was angry with me and I had no idea why. Finally, I cornered her and asked "What's wrong, why are you mad at me?!" Her response "You said my hair looked bad!! !" Predictably, my response was "But that's not what I said! What I said was I would prefer it longer. It looks fine but I like long hair." That calmed her down a lot.

There was another memorable (to me) communication problem related to her hair. She changed her hair color--a big, completely different change. For a week she kept asking me "What do you think?". She asked me that a lot. A whole lot. I had no response because I hadn't given it much thought...but this was apparently an unacceptable response. Finally, she cornered me and demanded "What do you think about my new hair color? What is going through your mind?!" So, after a long pause, I told her exactly what was going through my mind: "Should I still get you gold jewelry or now should it be silver?" She left in a huff, with much eye-rolling, and a definite hint of stomping.

Much more recently I happened to be walking in front of some businesses and stopped to look at the menu in the window of a small Chinese restaurant. Most of it was normal Chinese-food-in-America stuff but there were a few awfully authentic items, too. Later that day I mentioned to my bride that that restaurant had some odd things on their menu. She is not an Autie so she read between the lines of what I said, "You want to eat there?" Followed by me "That's not what I said! What I said was..."

Yep, but I think many women tend to equate sex with love. They feel attracted sexually and addicted when affectionately stimulated.
Sex = love [or brain & heart sex]
That's why they need to be warmed up for sex in time with chivalrous behavior [white knighting and a little black for humor, well that's hot and playful, ya flirtin'?].

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Rexi...Hello...When women confuse sex with love, it is because they are unable to understand their own feelings...And understandably so, because humans are emotional beings, sex is invariable attached to emotions...Fortunately, most women outgrow this confusion past their teens..And with life experience, we become better able to understand our own feelings and to distinguish the feelings of infatuation and the feelings of love...

By the way, feelings of infatuation typically last no more than three months, at the most two years...This is obviously not the case of the OP here...Keep in mind that her marriage has endured the test of time, with seven years of TRUE LOVE and still counting

Even if he's autistic, not always the aspie's fault.

And autism isn't a mental disorder

So what did she read by that?
By the way isn't Chinese typically the worst food known in movies followed by Mexican?
Ohmigosh, odd things! Way to sell the place.

I agree with most of the points you made. He felt guilty when I was suffering from depression and he expressed it once.

Also, I believe my husband refuse to go for psychiatrists/ psychologists just because it is difficult to discuss emotional matters with them. Even when he is discussing with me about how he feels or something related to emotional matters he just closes his eyes, using his arm, or look away. So, I understand how difficult for him to discuss. That may be the reason he refuses to go for diagnosis and maybe counselling.

I never ever treated him badly or never said that I will leave if he can not do this or that ( I mean I was reassuring.) Maybe that is the reason he is with me for 7 years. Similarly, I do not want to leave, I just want to reduce my stress levels and continue with him.

Meanwhile, I hope sharing how others feel and still survive within the relationship already made me feel better....