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“Open” relationships and ASD

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Nades
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17 Jan 2022, 4:39 pm

auntblabby wrote:
cornerpiece wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
it seems to me this involves only the most socially intelligent and highest TOM aspies, the cream of the cream. for the majority of us who can't even have one relationship or anything close, this subject is like "echelons beyond reality."

Partially true but not completely. At school boys made a list of girls where they ranked them by desirability and I was at the very bottom of it, no one else below me. Yeap. I was socially completely dumb. Lucky for me, IQ wasnt bad, and coupled with constant hard work at learning masking, got first relationship in my 20s, which failed, because I failed to mask 24/7. Another decade of hard work, and I had a few relationships in my 30s. So, not exactly cream of cream. No good looks and socially totally dumb. Only IQ and extreme persistence. Life starts as complete failure, but at some point, things turn around. For me it was 20s, for someone else maybe 30s, 40s...I do understand that many dont have hope at all. Im just saying that you dont have to be cream of cream - just being plain cream can be enough.

cream is still way above me. or - that "cream" for all practical aspie purposes, counts as cream of cream.


Depends on luck and intentionally putting yourself out there too. Two months ago an Irish woman was legs akimbo in a car and invited me over for a boning. She would have invited anyone over, I just happened to be close. No idea who she was and only met her 60 seconds or less prior. I didn't even use any social skills at all.



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17 Jan 2022, 4:43 pm

Nades wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
cornerpiece wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
it seems to me this involves only the most socially intelligent and highest TOM aspies, the cream of the cream. for the majority of us who can't even have one relationship or anything close, this subject is like "echelons beyond reality."

Partially true but not completely. At school boys made a list of girls where they ranked them by desirability and I was at the very bottom of it, no one else below me. Yeap. I was socially completely dumb. Lucky for me, IQ wasnt bad, and coupled with constant hard work at learning masking, got first relationship in my 20s, which failed, because I failed to mask 24/7. Another decade of hard work, and I had a few relationships in my 30s. So, not exactly cream of cream. No good looks and socially totally dumb. Only IQ and extreme persistence. Life starts as complete failure, but at some point, things turn around. For me it was 20s, for someone else maybe 30s, 40s...I do understand that many dont have hope at all. Im just saying that you dont have to be cream of cream - just being plain cream can be enough.

cream is still way above me. or - that "cream" for all practical aspie purposes, counts as cream of cream.


Depends on luck and intentionally putting yourself out there too. Two months ago an Irish woman was legs akimbo in a car and invited me over for a boning. She would have invited anyone over, I just happened to be close. No idea who she was and only met her 60 seconds or less prior. I didn't even use any social skills at all.

you have excellent timing, another feature of being in the cream, you are always in the right place at the right time and are always ready to meet opportunity.



Nades
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17 Jan 2022, 4:50 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Nades wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
cornerpiece wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
it seems to me this involves only the most socially intelligent and highest TOM aspies, the cream of the cream. for the majority of us who can't even have one relationship or anything close, this subject is like "echelons beyond reality."

Partially true but not completely. At school boys made a list of girls where they ranked them by desirability and I was at the very bottom of it, no one else below me. Yeap. I was socially completely dumb. Lucky for me, IQ wasnt bad, and coupled with constant hard work at learning masking, got first relationship in my 20s, which failed, because I failed to mask 24/7. Another decade of hard work, and I had a few relationships in my 30s. So, not exactly cream of cream. No good looks and socially totally dumb. Only IQ and extreme persistence. Life starts as complete failure, but at some point, things turn around. For me it was 20s, for someone else maybe 30s, 40s...I do understand that many dont have hope at all. Im just saying that you dont have to be cream of cream - just being plain cream can be enough.

cream is still way above me. or - that "cream" for all practical aspie purposes, counts as cream of cream.


Depends on luck and intentionally putting yourself out there too. Two months ago an Irish woman was legs akimbo in a car and invited me over for a boning. She would have invited anyone over, I just happened to be close. No idea who she was and only met her 60 seconds or less prior. I didn't even use any social skills at all.

you have excellent timing, another feature of being in the cream, you are always in the right place at the right time and are always ready to meet opportunity.


Nope. I just heard of a car park where loads of people go to get high and have free BJ's. Went to see if the rumour was true and indeed it was so I sure as heck went back.

It's OK so long as you don't care who's watching and are willing to play dumb to the police when they do come, not that they can do much anyway as nobody is doing anything wrong.



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17 Jan 2022, 4:54 pm

Nades wrote:
Nope. I just heard of a car park where loads of people go to get high and have free BJ's. Went to see if the rumour was true and indeed it was so I sure as heck went back. It's OK so long as you don't care who's watching and are willing to play dumb to the police when they do come, not that they can do much anyway as nobody is doing anything wrong.

sounds like you live in a good place :) there's nothing like that in my neck o' the woods.



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17 Jan 2022, 5:28 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Nades wrote:
Nope. I just heard of a car park where loads of people go to get high and have free BJ's. Went to see if the rumour was true and indeed it was so I sure as heck went back. It's OK so long as you don't care who's watching and are willing to play dumb to the police when they do come, not that they can do much anyway as nobody is doing anything wrong.

sounds like you live in a good place :) there's nothing like that in my neck o' the woods.


There might be you never know. It appears to be more of a British thing though. I've had a reasonable about of luck so far with it and the people seem OK and occasionally very pretty but it'll probably be a bit nerve wracking for some. Certainly zero privacy a little boldness and occasionally needing to socialise with some very socially adept NT's who usually turn out friendly.



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17 Jan 2022, 5:40 pm

Nades wrote:
auntblabby wrote:
Nades wrote:
Nope. I just heard of a car park where loads of people go to get high and have free BJ's. Went to see if the rumour was true and indeed it was so I sure as heck went back. It's OK so long as you don't care who's watching and are willing to play dumb to the police when they do come, not that they can do much anyway as nobody is doing anything wrong.

sounds like you live in a good place :) there's nothing like that in my neck o' the woods.


There might be you never know. It appears to be more of a British thing though. I've had a reasonable about of luck so far with it and the people seem OK and occasionally very pretty but it'll probably be a bit nerve wracking for some. Certainly zero privacy a little boldness and occasionally needing to socialise with some very socially adept NT's who usually turn out friendly.

where i live is just trees, with the closest neighbors [who want to be left the fkkk alone] hundreds of feet away.



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17 Jan 2022, 6:03 pm

GadgetGuru wrote:
One of the most intriguing aspects of ASD (to me) is the seemingly VERY strong correlation between an ASD diagnosis and “unconventional” attitudes / practices / identity regarding intimate relationships, sexuality, gender, etc.

It would seem that whether one finds one’s self to be just pre-diagnosis “different” or knowingly intra-spectrum, that every conventional attitude toward such things is open to question, experimentation or just intense consideration.

I’m now realizing that every one of the 4 or 5 relationships I’ve been in has had elements of either Polyamory or “just swinging”, ranging from merely basic discussions of these matters to full-blown open attempts to “make it work”.

As far as I can tell, despite my rational side telling me that “of course, all intelligent humans should be capable of maintaining multiple simultaneous fully and openly honest sexual and/OR romantic relationships!" (Damn you, Robert Heinlein), for me, and many of the others that would express that same rationalization, being TRULY “open” is just not practical or even possible in actual practice.

And if I’ve all along been unknowingly “playing a role” in such matters (masking), how could adding additional inscrutable people to the mix be anything other than a disaster plan of epically failure-prone proportions?

I’m curious to know the experiences of others in this matter.

"It Ain’t What You Don’t Know That Gets You Into Trouble.
It’s What You Know for Sure That Just Ain’t So..."


Making it work between multiple people is tricky to any autistic and even a lot of NT's. For me it would be incredibly draining assuming I could ever have that type of relationship.



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17 Jan 2022, 6:04 pm

auntblabby wrote:
Nades wrote:

There might be you never know. It appears to be more of a British thing though. I've had a reasonable about of luck so far with it and the people seem OK and occasionally very pretty but it'll probably be a bit nerve wracking for some. Certainly zero privacy a little boldness and occasionally needing to socialise with some very socially adept NT's who usually turn out friendly.

where i live is just trees, with the closest neighbors [who want to be left the fkkk alone] hundreds of feet away.


Sounds relaxing in a way but not a place I would want to live for long periods of time. Places like that are not all that helpful for obtaining anything like the subject of this thread intails.



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17 Jan 2022, 6:06 pm

you're right but all my life even when i lived in a city there was always this invisible but palpable barrier between me and other people, an invisible force field that kept people away.



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17 Jan 2022, 7:23 pm

GadgetGuru wrote:
"Solo polyamory means that someone has multiple intimate relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle. They may not live with partners, share finances, or have a desire to reach traditional relationship milestones in which partners' lives become more intertwined."


To me that sounds like keeping things casual even in long term relationships. I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding or missing something here, but if I understand correctly, that sounds ideal. I had no idea people (except me) would want such a thing. Neat.

auntblabby wrote:
it seems to me this involves only the most socially intelligent and highest TOM aspies, the cream of the cream. for the majority of us who can't even have one relationship or anything close, this subject is like "echelons beyond reality."


I'm not socially intelligent at all, and my TOM is pretty close to nonexistent in real time. It can be problematic.

I really have no idea how I've fallen bassackwards into relationships. I'm not someone with a great job (on disability), or money (I'm living under the poverty line here), or charisma or style. I'm antisocial, blunt, awkward, and weird. I'm not a lot of things people want in a partner. I don't get it. I think maybe I'm just lucky. I have no clue.



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17 Jan 2022, 7:27 pm

FleaOfTheChill wrote:
GadgetGuru wrote:
"Solo polyamory means that someone has multiple intimate relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle. They may not live with partners, share finances, or have a desire to reach traditional relationship milestones in which partners' lives become more intertwined."


To me that sounds like keeping things casual even in long term relationships. I'm not sure if I'm misunderstanding or missing something here, but if I understand correctly, that sounds ideal. I had no idea people (except me) would want such a thing. Neat.

auntblabby wrote:
it seems to me this involves only the most socially intelligent and highest TOM aspies, the cream of the cream. for the majority of us who can't even have one relationship or anything close, this subject is like "echelons beyond reality."


I'm not socially intelligent at all, and my TOM is pretty close to nonexistent in real time. It can be problematic.

I really have no idea how I've fallen bassackwards into relationships. I'm not someone with a great job (on disability), or money (I'm living under the poverty line here), or charisma or style. I'm antisocial, blunt, awkward, and weird. I'm not a lot of things people want in a partner. I don't get it. I think maybe I'm just lucky. I have no clue.

you have good relationship genes that facilite you meeting well with others, and luck in finding people on your wavelength. there is almost nobody on my wavelength, i am a stranger in a strange land. i know not a soul outside of kinfolk here or anywhere, but at least i do have penpals.



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18 Jan 2022, 12:46 pm

FleaOfTheChill wrote:
I really have no idea how I've fallen bassackwards into relationships. I'm not someone with a great job (on disability), or money (I'm living under the poverty line here), or charisma or style. I'm antisocial, blunt, awkward, and weird. I'm not a lot of things people want in a partner. I don't get it. I think maybe I'm just lucky. I have no clue.

I'm betting it's your amazing eyes, your strong set of teeth, fully capable of artfully gnawing down wooden writing instruments, and your prehensile tail, fully equipped with the means to erase any mistakes you make in life.

Darron


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19 Jan 2022, 11:46 am

GadgetGuru wrote:
"Solo polyamory means that someone has multiple intimate relationships with people but has an independent or single lifestyle. They may not live with partners, share finances, or have a desire to reach traditional relationship milestones in which partners' lives become more intertwined."
Darron

Sounds perfect...
I just suspect that if a woman did that, she wouldn't be called "solo polyamorous"... she would probably be called a wh*re :(



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19 Jan 2022, 4:24 pm

cornerpiece wrote:
Sounds perfect...
I just suspect that if a woman did that, she wouldn't be called "solo polyamorous"... she would probably be called a wh*re :(

I think I'd call her "solo poly partner #x"...
:D

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19 Jan 2022, 4:46 pm

auntblabby wrote:
you have good relationship genes that facilite you meeting well with others, and luck in finding people on your wavelength. there is almost nobody on my wavelength, i am a stranger in a strange land. i know not a soul outside of kinfolk here or anywhere, but at least i do have penpals.


Maybe? I really have no clue.

I'm surprised to hear you say that you don't have people on your wavelength or know people outside of family. I know online interaction isn't the same as face to face, but from where I sit you seem to be nice and know how to get on/interact with others just fine. You seem perfectly likeable to me. I'm glad you have penpals though. I imagine they're cool cats.

GadgetGuru wrote:
I'm betting it's your amazing eyes, your strong set of teeth, fully capable of artfully gnawing down wooden writing instruments, and your prehensile tail, fully equipped with the means to erase any mistakes you make in life.
Darron


:lol: That's got to be it.
I almost spit out my water laughing when I read that. Thank you for that. It's been a weird day...



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19 Jan 2022, 4:58 pm

FleaOfTheChill wrote:
:lol: That's got to be it.
I almost spit out my water laughing when I read that. Thank you for that. It's been a weird day...


I'm sure your enviable status as a tricentenarian helps, too!

Darron


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