Does it sound bad when a guy says this about sex to his gf?

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Oh okay, thanks. I can think about that...

So is the general consensus on here that a woman does not like hearing about a guy's sexual past then? But also, women like a guy with experience, or so that is what it seems like, so if they want that, then why would his past bother her?

It depends on the woman. Some do some don't,

Some girls will, some girls won't, some girls need a lot of loving and some girls don't (Wise words from Racey 1979)

I like my virgin like I like my soup. Hot, thic, untouched and mild.
Maybe she prefers to be unaware of the past but she'd give it up in a second if it allowed her to gain experience with him. Unwisely so.

So I haven't been telling her about the past lately, but we hung out with a friend of mine and that friend in casual conversation said something to me along the lines of "remember that time you hooked up with that woman, etc".

But my gf did not like that I never told her about that later on she told me. Now she says she wants to know all about my past sex life and not leave anything out because she doesn't like that she says. So how should I respond now? Should I tell her everything if that's what she wants to hear, especially if a friend may choose to bring up something I cannot predict they will in future conversation?

It seems she has clearly communicated she'd like to know, so I think the correct thing would be to tell her about your past sex life. I figure the worst thing to do at this point would be refusing to talk about it.

Oh dear. Well it seems your friend knows more about your exes than she does, that probably made her feel like she doesnt know everything that she should, maybe that shes not important enough, you could ask your friends to not bring such things up when you're with her.

In a way it makes sense they know, because people tend to tell their friends or friends just know who you go out with or see you with them, but i understand why shes upset, she seems competitive and to feel betrayed if she doesnt have the best intel, best grip on your life and is at the top of the people you care about otherwise she might blame you or herself or be unsure shes doing a good job as a girlfriend or she or you care enough for the bond to be the maximum it can be. But you seem oblivious to such dynamics, and you didn't know her preference.

Sounds like she just wants to do the best she can, the truth and nothing but the truth, and draw conclusions from everything there is to know about your past love life, im pretty sure she doesnt think highly about your friend after that either. I mean is she invisible? Your friend has no common sense or is trying to taunt her. Thats not a good time to open up the memories about your exes or your list of exes as if you don't care much whom you're with. And why would someone make you think of your exes when you're with her? Peculiar individual. Maybe he just doesnt think and stuff spills from his mouth without lock and key. Or maybe hes showing off his always lasting power in your life, which people you date would never get to keep. Or maybe hes warning her you're a player. I don't know why I've held the confusion whether you truly care about the women you date or to what importance you held these relationships and what's in it for you but it seems you really invested in knowing about relationships and making it work.

You could ask if its just relationship dynamics she would like to know because you would prefer if she doesnt think about your past because shes more important, but that beats the purpose of her wanting to know it all and now especially the things she needs to so she could learn to please you, which im not sure if they could help but may be impressed. I think you giving her good guidance and explaining your past in a way that could help her in the present (thats also what she wants probably, besides being informed about your general love life which is the business she has with you, she takes these things very seriously), and her accepting guidance which she seems to do would be the most important things.

It's to appreciate how invested she is in this relationship but maybe its excessive because she has fears and doubts, I'd like to see her relax more often. But thats hard to do in relationships, and especially because of her past she tends to stress. Shes so honest with you though and you dont seem to react negatively to her doing that which lets her tell you everything, that's great.

It might be the wrong thing to say if she can’t do what the other women did and then it gets left at that. The test could be training her.

Maybe you can get a 50 shades of gray thing going. I haven’t read that. Get her trying to develope her own unique skills. I think that is actually a thing. If not, you can pretend like it is.

I have thought about acting like I know something about Tantra. Get her studying massage techniques. Interestingly there is something called lengus massage, haha. Sorry if I went on a tangent. I am thinking it is brilliant at the moment.

LOL

Oh okay. Thanks for the advice so far everyone! Well I just don't understand the contradiction because women say they do not like guys who are inexperienced, but then if they find a guy they feel is experienced, they are then intimidated. I mean she still gets what she wanted, doesn't she?

I think it's more that they don't want to be compared to your past good experiences in case they are inadequate themselves. Men are surely the same in this regard.

This reminds me of when I took a woman I was dating, not long before meeting my wife, to NYC and while there it occurred to her that I had brought other women to that same hotel in the past, and had of course engaged in sexual acts with those women. It turns out she was right. That hotel happened to have decent accommodations and was a good deal by NYC standards, it was in fact an apartment building that rented out unoccupied units. In fact, This had previously happened in 1978 and 1980 (although I can see how, at least on the 2nd occasion, my travel companion and I may have not done more than sleep in the same bed and wouldn't necessarily have had sex just because we were in a hotel). BTW this was in 1984 so four years after the previous "incident".

Well this made her angry (well she had a major problem with anger anyway, mostly directed at people other than myself). The point is, it had never occurred to me to think this way and I didn't know if or how to defend myself. She seemed to see this as evidence that I was somebody who just uses women for sex.

OTOH the first time I had sex with my now wife was in my bed which I had previously shared with three other women (I believe although my "relationship" with the first of these three, a neighbor, may have occurred before I had that particular bed). Somehow it never occurred to her to think about who else might have been in that bed with me, in the past.

So yes that particular woman might have indeed found me to be an inadequate lover had I been a virgin, but nevertheless was unable to handle the thought of any previous lovers I might have had.

Oh yes, this makes sense. But I'm not comparing her to any past good experiences. She keeps comparing herself.

Last edited by ironpony on 01 Jan 2022, 12:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No, it's not that you were involved in the past with women as much as seeing the pattern you did with others being the same you did with her making her trust that you didnt use her just for sex very hard, which you didnt probably those women either, they were the ones to corrupt your integrity, and you were just trying to find a lasting partner which you failed to communicate before going to bed with them or maybe look in the right places, not sure where you found more stable women like your wife or your ex who disliked the hotel thing. "Okay, im up for this, but I aim for more with you, if I am to go through with this, can you guarantee youll also be with me and is that what you're looking for too?" and I doubt they wanted that in a party setting where its expected to just have encounters for sex.

Imagine your friend suddenly told you this woman youve been seeing kept taking guys to the same hotel she was with you last night only to leave them after and she didnt ever have stable relationships (or worse, she herself told you that, or you understood that from what she said). If you didnt know she actually desired relationships with them or in general and was looking for them, that would be hard to believe she wanted more from you because she never did with the others, maybe good or better or more experienced fellows than you.

Can one guy fix a woman who has a habit of sexing guys and never seeing them again because she cant deal with lack of variety? All those guys werent able to. If you dont explain the situation and how you personally felt about those encounters, that you resented their superficiality, and even if you did, that's just strong evidence of what you're like, and women know (especially from movies and older people) that there are guys who lose their interest in women and go to psychologists because they keep running through women without being able to settle or feel anything, and about the fear of commitment that tends to happen before a marriage that's especially assigned to guys, and especially guys who arent actually ready to settle down and want to explore from woman to woman more, or ones who dont think they found the right woman.

She wanted to settle with you, but that made the opposite impression and she probably was really believing that you were just using her for sex like you tended to do, and thought you were a liar, which is a very dark realization because sex to some women is very important and they dont want to be tricked into it but give it to someone who really cares about them and wants them and a future with them, maybe aims to get married with them.

If these feelings were as strong as you sound like you've experienced them, it could be shes been through being used for sex before and not being appreciated for her real qualities as a child. When these feelings resurface, they have a huge baggage of extra feelings to them, so the intensity is extreme. It can be the most they experience, try to stop your anger when it's 10 and not say something mean or yell, it's not easy, especially if you cant distinguish these feelings from reality, don't see what's happening to you in those exact moments or you dont trust the person enough to believe such a thing considering their past. If you boast to them about how many women youve had in that hotel, it comes across as you see that encounter and try to convey to them indirrectly which women do, they hint, that you are there with them for the same purpose and just trying to have fun, and thats what you understood from their intention. It sounds to me like things were taking off too fast for her in that case.

Being made love to in the same bed as other women who were unsuccessful and with you before is really disgusting, and if your wife knew, I'm not sure shed be impressed or feel great about it. You're just saying she never found out or cared to ask about it, or maybe didnt realize it could have happened, or doesnt want to know. If she indeed doesnt care because you never married those women, which gives a huge boost and level to any woman and makes every woman before them seem like nothing especially if the right dynamics happen and she sees she can trust you, or she just has a lot of self esteem, which is the opposite of how you describe her, beyond recognizing "exes are exes" which arguably everyone is capable of logically identifying unless there are problems with you and the way you talk about your exes, she has a good capacity of calmness and avoiding jumping to conclusions. This is a tough feat, depending on the person's past, but a very useful one and can show the level of trust there is.

Okay but what do you do about it? Depending on what you say to her it could help or make it worse.
How can you tell she compares herself?
Something needs to change if thats true, if she keeps doing that itll become an unhealthy pattern and shell start slowly hating herself and you. She needs to see her value is superior in your eyes, and take it slow with talks about your exes by gentle invitation of doing something else thats nice and fun that day. You can say youve noticed she may not be feeling too well about those talks in a way and you were thinking of that day doing something that makes her feel good. If she still insists make sure you keep reassuring her of her value to you, and that your praises are genuine otherwise she won't really believe you.

I think you might need to look past the questions and adress the feelings that motivate them.

Oh okay. I have been taking it slow with talks about exes and that's how I have been approaching it. However, she wants me to lay it all out and go into all details about the sex with them though. Especially after my friend made that comment in conversation, she wants all the details now. So should I try a different approach then therefore?

Not that I mind telling her everything, it's just if I do, is that going to make her feel better about it, or worse?