08 Aug 2007, 11:53 am
pbcoll wrote:
like calandale, I have no friends so there's zero chance of finding a partner via friends. I've never been to a nightclub in my life, it sounds like the worst possible environment for me to perform in sociallly, I don't like the music and I've never liked dancing, nor do i particularly enjoy getting drunk.
I really need to just get over the fact that I'll stay single.
I really need to just get over the fact that I'll stay single.
Don't ask me how but I do have some friends, but they've never (EVER) been a source of girlfriends, so it's not magic
Nightclubs appeal to me, because I actually like to dance (Listening to 'good' Music is a very profound experience to me) and when I'm dancing, it's one of the few times I actually feel connected to the people around me (through the musical experience) Getting drunk is something I hate BTW, I usually only drink water or sometimes red bull or something (when I'm tired)
That last thought has been in my head for some time, but seeing the progress I'm making I think I'll be OK. (also being single doesn't seem that bad right ?
)
08 Aug 2007, 11:58 am
pbcoll wrote:
[...]
From experience at parties, I would remain in a miserable situation until I left. Also, I would have no idea how to behave and have no one to go with. I know what I'm like and know that if (about 99% chance) I ended up as the only sober person in the place and the only guy unable to get someone no matter who I hit on that would be very depressing.
From experience at parties, I would remain in a miserable situation until I left. Also, I would have no idea how to behave and have no one to go with. I know what I'm like and know that if (about 99% chance) I ended up as the only sober person in the place and the only guy unable to get someone no matter who I hit on that would be very depressing.
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
which makes for a great 'people observing opportunity' 
(that being said, I've never 'hit' on anyone when going out, because that's the reason I'm there.... I'm there for the music, not for the NT 'Meat Market' 
)
08 Aug 2007, 12:00 pm
calandale wrote:
I know. There are a thousand reasons
not to do it. But, it's probably the only
way. Practice and all.
Still, I can't fault anyone for being as
weak as I am.
not to do it. But, it's probably the only
way. Practice and all.
Still, I can't fault anyone for being as
weak as I am.
I don't think weakness is your problem calandale... You're just meat marketly challenged
08 Aug 2007, 6:04 pm
TomD wrote:
Hi Papillon !
Thank you. I am still thinking of finding out about ASP as a blessing AND a curse. My brain keeps remembering stuff I did b/c of ASP... BUTTTT the longer I know about it / the more I understand I make more and more progress. Even making eye-contact with a girl would have been impossible I think, because I didn't even realise I was doing it 'wrong' So your advise is very sound, in so far that I am accepting and learning to live with it. The more I find out about Asperger, the more it seems to me, I'm finally becoming me 
exactly because I can finally understand the stuff I didn't before about myself....
I don't see someone who has accepted it all, but I've accepted myself a LOT more since I found out about ASP (conclusion; It's a dang blessing NOT a curse)
Thank you. I am still thinking of finding out about ASP as a blessing AND a curse. My brain keeps remembering stuff I did b/c of ASP... BUTTTT the longer I know about it / the more I understand I make more and more progress. Even making eye-contact with a girl would have been impossible I think, because I didn't even realise I was doing it 'wrong'
So your advise is very sound, in so far that I am accepting and learning to live with it. The more I find out about Asperger, the more it seems to me, I'm finally becoming me exactly because I can finally understand the stuff I didn't before about myself....I don't see someone who has accepted it all, but I've accepted myself a LOT more since I found out about ASP (conclusion; It's a dang blessing NOT a curse
)Same here! Exactly. I keep remebering old things, even from when I was a kid, and forgiving myself, finally! Even if you consider AS something "wrong" with you (which I don't), it still beats thinking that dark, nebulous "What's wrong with me??" when you don't know!
08 Aug 2007, 7:11 pm
09 Aug 2007, 12:37 am
TomD wrote:
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
which makes for a great 'people observing opportunity' (that being said, I've never 'hit' on anyone when going out, because that's the reason I'm there.... I'm there for the music, not for the NT 'Meat Market' )It makes perfect sense because you enjoy dancing and you enjoy the music. In my case, the meat market would be the only reason to go, and thus it matters knowing how to behave, etc. Anyway, I'm not looking for a party girl, so probably it wouldn't be a good place to look for something serious. If I had the social skills and experience, I would look for one night stands in clubs, though (by the way, I would never pretend I was interested in anyhting other than a 1 night stand if that was what I was looking 4 with someone - I don't play games).
AiMaiMii, I too don't feel I have anything to offer to the vast majority of women. A few months a go there was one girl that seemed to desire me, I deliberately avoided her. reasons: due to circumstances the most that could've happened was a 1-night stand, and there was 99.9% chance that I would've blown it if I'd tried a 1-night stand (it would've been my 1st), which would've been pretty depressing (like going to a party and not talking to anyone). Pretty much all girls see me as either a freak to be avoided, or a nice guy too quirky to even be proper friends with. So I wish I were asexual.
09 Aug 2007, 12:45 am
TomD wrote:
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
How can you remain sober whilst dancing?
I don't mean alcohol either.
pbcoll wrote:
It makes perfect sense because you enjoy dancing and you enjoy the music. In my case, the meat market would be the only reason to go, and thus it matters knowing how to behave, etc. Anyway, I'm not looking for a party girl, so probably it wouldn't be a good place to look for something serious. If I had the social skills and experience, I would look for one night stands in clubs, though (by the way, I would never pretend I was interested in anyhting other than a 1 night stand if that was what I was looking 4 with someone - I don't play games).
.
This highlights my problem. I go for the dancing,
but also with hopes of meeting someone. But, I'm
not at all into the idea of 1 nighter's anymore. Ah,
I'd try one, if I thought it was with someone I could
bear for something serious, but most of what comes
on to me doesn't seem that way. And almost none
of them (except for my sweet thing - and she's lost
for now) stick around long enough until I'm done dancing.
Probably a good sign that they're just looking to 'hook up'.
09 Aug 2007, 1:11 am
calandale wrote:
TomD wrote:
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
How can you remain sober whilst dancing?
I don't mean alcohol either.
pbcoll wrote:
It makes perfect sense because you enjoy dancing and you enjoy the music. In my case, the meat market would be the only reason to go, and thus it matters knowing how to behave, etc. Anyway, I'm not looking for a party girl, so probably it wouldn't be a good place to look for something serious. If I had the social skills and experience, I would look for one night stands in clubs, though (by the way, I would never pretend I was interested in anyhting other than a 1 night stand if that was what I was looking 4 with someone - I don't play games).
. This highlights my problem. I go for the dancing,
but also with hopes of meeting someone. But, I'm
not at all into the idea of 1 nighter's anymore. Ah,
I'd try one, if I thought it was with someone I could
bear for something serious, but most of what comes
on to me doesn't seem that way. And almost none
of them (except for my sweet thing - and she's lost
for now) stick around long enough until I'm done dancing.
Probably a good sign that they're just looking to 'hook up'.
I'm the other way around - I am skeptical that I will ever be in a serious relationship again, or that even if I do get into one that it will last or be worthwhile in the end. 1-night stands now seem attractive - a bit like 'beggars can't be choosers,' at least i would get sex. But a relationship of any kind seems a remote possibility, which is why I would love to be asexual.
09 Aug 2007, 1:57 am
09 Aug 2007, 2:28 am
FirstandEllen wrote:
TomD wrote:
Hi Papillon !
Thank you. I am still thinking of finding out about ASP as a blessing AND a curse. My brain keeps remembering stuff I did b/c of ASP... BUTTTT the longer I know about it / the more I understand I make more and more progress. Even making eye-contact with a girl would have been impossible I think, because I didn't even realise I was doing it 'wrong' So your advise is very sound, in so far that I am accepting and learning to live with it. The more I find out about Asperger, the more it seems to me, I'm finally becoming me exactly because I can finally understand the stuff I didn't before about myself....
I don't see someone who has accepted it all, but I've accepted myself a LOT more since I found out about ASP (conclusion; It's a dang blessing NOT a curse)
Thank you. I am still thinking of finding out about ASP as a blessing AND a curse. My brain keeps remembering stuff I did b/c of ASP... BUTTTT the longer I know about it / the more I understand I make more and more progress. Even making eye-contact with a girl would have been impossible I think, because I didn't even realise I was doing it 'wrong'
So your advise is very sound, in so far that I am accepting and learning to live with it. The more I find out about Asperger, the more it seems to me, I'm finally becoming me exactly because I can finally understand the stuff I didn't before about myself....I don't see someone who has accepted it all, but I've accepted myself a LOT more since I found out about ASP (conclusion; It's a dang blessing NOT a curse
)Same here! Exactly. I keep remebering old things, even from when I was a kid, and forgiving myself, finally! Even if you consider AS something "wrong" with you (which I don't), it still beats thinking that dark, nebulous "What's wrong with me??" when you don't know!
Wow, until I read this, I didn't even realise that my brain was in a process of forgiving myself !? Thank you so much for this insight FirstAndEllen !
09 Aug 2007, 2:51 am
AiMaiMii wrote:
I tried going to bars on three Fridays in July last year. I went alone, tried to blend in, and dance with others without ever asking. Seemed to work. But I could never deal with talking to any one. Partly because it is too loud and I can't function with all that stupid music. People who go to bars are not for me, not because of the experience, but because if they do regularly go to that kind of enviroment, I could not handle it. Period.
Wow, you are SO brave ! !! I've never dared going to bars alone. That being said, I actually rather dislike bars, more of a 'clubhopper'. (Bars seem to be ALL about the meat market, talking about meaningless things and to me it's just 'a meeting place where people attempt to achieve advanced states of mental incompetence, by the repeated consumption of fermented vegetable drinks.') Clubs and especially large outdoor parties are different in that the crowd also seems to be there for the music, so I have a common ground with them
Quote:
I don't seem to understand how to approach women, even if they make it obvious. I remember I was at the mall, me and a friend got some food. I was just wearing jeans and a wife beater, and apparantly the girl behind me was eyeing. I never noticed, but thats what my friend said. Even if I did notice, I don't think I could of made any conversation at that time.
Been there. One friend even said to me I was being 'too picky' because I never seem to respond to 'the signals' (I didn't see them
)Quote:
I don't really understand how to approach women. The more I read about stuff NT people go through discourages my desire for a girlfriend. All this mental stuff with body langauge I don't pick up on.
I know exactly what you mean...
Quote:
I still like to be able to have a girlfriend. But I never really tried in all honesty. I've never approached a girl that wasn't in a class room setting, and even those were tame conversations that never lead anywhere. I've talked to my counselor about this, and it seems I just don't see myself desirable to women. Even though I run regularly, eat ~somewhat~ heatlhy, wear decent cloths now (jeans w/tshirts), etc. I just don't see myself desirable to women. And thats probably one of my biggest draw backs. I don't want to approach women because I don't feel I have anything to offer.
I DO want to approach women, just don't really know how (*yet*)... The thing is, personally I think Aspies have MORE to offer than NT's. We seem to be much more loyal, honest and semi-predictable then typical NT's which seem to me to be good thing s for a girl (But I could be wrong and looking at it too logical ?)
Quote:
I have my strict routines. I go to work, class, come back home, do stuff, go to sleep, rince, repeat. I spend a lot of my time with my hobbies. Its hard for me to imagine why a girl would want to be with someone like me, even if hotornot says I score around 7.5 with a shirtless pic.
I don't know...
I don't know...
You hit the nail on the head. When I look at myself I think I can say that I am goodlooking, when compared to the 'fashion ideal'. This doesn't really help with landing a girlfriend though, because of all those (stupid
) signals. That being said, I think every girl with a right mind should prefer an Aspie over an NT anytime
Finally; If I could give you just one advise; be PROUD that you're ASP. I know I am
There's nothing WRONG with us at all, we're just wired differently (and might I add; more logical )
09 Aug 2007, 2:57 am
09 Aug 2007, 3:08 am
pbcoll wrote:
TomD wrote:
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
which makes for a great 'people observing opportunity' (that being said, I've never 'hit' on anyone when going out, because that's the reason I'm there.... I'm there for the music, not for the NT 'Meat Market' )It makes perfect sense because you enjoy dancing and you enjoy the music. In my case, the meat market would be the only reason to go, and thus it matters knowing how to behave, etc. Anyway, I'm not looking for a party girl, so probably it wouldn't be a good place to look for something serious. If I had the social skills and experience, I would look for one night stands in clubs, though (by the way, I would never pretend I was interested in anyhting other than a 1 night stand if that was what I was looking 4 with someone - I don't play games).
I don't do onenight stands
ANd I refuse to participate in the meat market. Girls should be interested in who I am, not how I act....Quote:
AiMaiMii, I too don't feel I have anything to offer to the vast majority of women. A few months a go there was one girl that seemed to desire me, I deliberately avoided her. reasons: due to circumstances the most that could've happened was a 1-night stand, and there was 99.9% chance that I would've blown it if I'd tried a 1-night stand (it would've been my 1st), which would've been pretty depressing (like going to a party and not talking to anyone). Pretty much all girls see me as either a freak to be avoided, or a nice guy too quirky to even be proper friends with. So I wish I were asexual.
I don't care that most of the girls will think I have nothing to offer, because they probably have nothing to offer to me either
(But this damn needle in the haystack thing is getting old though...)
09 Aug 2007, 3:12 am
calandale wrote:
TomD wrote:
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
How can you remain sober whilst dancing?
By not drinking ?
Quote:
I don't mean alcohol either.
So you mean XTC or something ? (sorry I don't understand exactly what you're getting at ?)
Quote:
pbcoll wrote:
It makes perfect sense because you enjoy dancing and you enjoy the music. In my case, the meat market would be the only reason to go, and thus it matters knowing how to behave, etc. Anyway, I'm not looking for a party girl, so probably it wouldn't be a good place to look for something serious. If I had the social skills and experience, I would look for one night stands in clubs, though (by the way, I would never pretend I was interested in anyhting other than a 1 night stand if that was what I was looking 4 with someone - I don't play games).
. This highlights my problem. I go for the dancing,
but also with hopes of meeting someone. But, I'm
not at all into the idea of 1 nighter's anymore. Ah,
I'd try one, if I thought it was with someone I could
bear for something serious, but most of what comes
on to me doesn't seem that way. And almost none
of them (except for my sweet thing - and she's lost
for now) stick around long enough until I'm done dancing.
Probably a good sign that they're just looking to 'hook up'.
I must admit I also have the hope of meeting someone 'special'
(still the MAIN reason I go is the feeling I get when dancing )
09 Aug 2007, 3:57 pm
AiMaiMii wrote:
I tried going to bars on three Fridays in July last year. I went alone, tried to blend in, and dance with others without ever asking. Seemed to work. But I could never deal with talking to any one. Partly because it is too loud and I can't function with all that stupid music. People who go to bars are not for me, not because of the experience, but because if they do regularly go to that kind of enviroment, I could not handle it. Period.
I don't seem to understand how to approach women, even if they make it obvious. I remember I was at the mall, me and a friend got some food. I was just wearing jeans and a wife beater, and apparantly the girl behind me was eyeing. I never noticed, but thats what my friend said. Even if I did notice, I don't think I could of made any conversation at that time.
I don't really understand how to approach women. The more I read about stuff NT people go through discourages my desire for a girlfriend. All this mental stuff with body langauge I don't pick up on.
I still like to be able to have a girlfriend. But I never really tried in all honesty. I've never approached a girl that wasn't in a class room setting, and even those were tame conversations that never lead anywhere. I've talked to my counselor about this, and it seems I just don't see myself desirable to women. Even though I run regularly, eat ~somewhat~ heatlhy, wear decent cloths now (jeans w/tshirts), etc. I just don't see myself desirable to women. And thats probably one of my biggest draw backs. I don't want to approach women because I don't feel I have anything to offer.
I have my strict routines. I go to work, class, come back home, do stuff, go to sleep, rince, repeat. I spend a lot of my time with my hobbies. Its hard for me to imagine why a girl would want to be with someone like me, even if hotornot says I score around 7.5 with a shirtless pic.
I don't know...
I don't seem to understand how to approach women, even if they make it obvious. I remember I was at the mall, me and a friend got some food. I was just wearing jeans and a wife beater, and apparantly the girl behind me was eyeing. I never noticed, but thats what my friend said. Even if I did notice, I don't think I could of made any conversation at that time.
I don't really understand how to approach women. The more I read about stuff NT people go through discourages my desire for a girlfriend. All this mental stuff with body langauge I don't pick up on.
I still like to be able to have a girlfriend. But I never really tried in all honesty. I've never approached a girl that wasn't in a class room setting, and even those were tame conversations that never lead anywhere. I've talked to my counselor about this, and it seems I just don't see myself desirable to women. Even though I run regularly, eat ~somewhat~ heatlhy, wear decent cloths now (jeans w/tshirts), etc. I just don't see myself desirable to women. And thats probably one of my biggest draw backs. I don't want to approach women because I don't feel I have anything to offer.
I have my strict routines. I go to work, class, come back home, do stuff, go to sleep, rince, repeat. I spend a lot of my time with my hobbies. Its hard for me to imagine why a girl would want to be with someone like me, even if hotornot says I score around 7.5 with a shirtless pic.
I don't know...
AMM,
Yes, those places do have a rhythm and beat of their own that takes some getting used to, don't they?
Would you be open to giving that scene another chance? And then another?
By all means, have something non-alcoholic and scope it out. Spot out the sourpusses, the couples, and those surly boys. Trust your intuition. If the place "doesn't feel right", you can go try another place, or if you stick it out, ask different girls to dance different tunes. Other single girls seem to take notice when you start to get comfortable with the action. Ok, so you're shy, well so are some girls! Woooo-Hoooo! I'm getting a rush of adrenaline just writing this
You know what happens sometimes? A girl might come up and invite you. If you can get chatting-up with her, focus on finding out about HER on that first contact.
You sound like you take pretty good care of yourself and have the looks to show for it. C'mon, let the girls see it! Whoah! No! Not that... your looks!
Give it a chance and in time you'll learn to catch some of the unspoken cues. Do you have any friends who have a knack for that? Ask them for some coaching. Be bold, be brave, and in time you'll find a style of your own
09 Aug 2007, 5:29 pm
TomD wrote:
calandale wrote:
TomD wrote:
I have no idea how to behave either, but I don't care. The people I'm with know I'm probably gonna be 'inside the music', dancing away like a madman and they're fine with it and the people I'm NOT with; 'WHO CARES what they think of me ?'
I'm usually that one sober person in the place
How can you remain sober whilst dancing?
By not drinking ?
Quote:
I don't mean alcohol either.
So you mean XTC or something ? (sorry I don't understand exactly what you're getting at ?)
I mean the dancing.
Throws me into a high
like few others. I've been
aroused to those heights
(sexually), and bloodlust
can do it too. Not much else.
Quote:
(still the MAIN reason I go is the feeling I get when dancing )
) Which is why I thought you'd 'get' it.
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