Why it might *appear* we're uninterested in dating
Absolutely this. Especially because I'm not a person who has ever been comfortable discussing sex in any detail with most people.
There are probably better ways to phrase the question. Especially phrased that way it sounds almost transactional. "Would you like to have sex?" would be better - essentailly asking about the other person's desires rather than your own.
But if someone finds asking for the simplest of consent to a huge turnoff I would say that person has issues.
And it's 100% of the time a stupid idea.
If the person is a trauma victim or some other psychological hangup or maybe just for someone's first time, step-by-step consent is quite reasonable. However, I consider it the obligation of the person with the issues to express them.
For most people, I think consent to sex is sufficient. If you want to do something unusual, that should get an explicit okay (probably before sex starts). Otherwise, I agree that it's a "If you start going to far, I'll let you know."
In either case, it is the partner's responsibility to accept and comply when consent is withdrawn, even if unexpectedly.
Collectively as a society, we are very screwed up. We're bad at communication and often actively avoid it. Most of us don't want to speak honestly and directly, or be spoken to that way. We're so enticed by forbidden fruit. And society is so deeply screwed up by this unhealthy behavior that most people actively embrace this way of life.
I'm going to address your comment where you said it's a stupid idea for 2 strangers who met online to meet up for sex.
You have a right to your opinion (and there certainly are drawbacks to crawling into bed with a stranger you met online). That being said, I never would have had sex during college if it weren't for online hookups (since I'm too socially awkward/uninterested in parties to get a college hookup the way the typical student would).
auntblabby
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Gender: Male
Posts: 114,579
Location: the island of defective toy santas
the number of people that can read me [and the number of people i can read] is vanishingly small. body language by and large is dependent on the body language module in the brain, that many of us on the spectrum were born without. teaching it is futile because this recognition must be instantaneous without any internal translation.
So what?
Oh noes, I went through college without getting laid! How will my penis ever forgive me for ignoring its wishes?
Men have two heads, but most of them don't realize only one of them should ever be allowed to make decisions.
People are easily uncomfortable when it comes to romance and things like that, in all honesty, I am more interested by what comes last itself than dating, love, etc... not saying that I don't give importance to my desire for romance, but I do spend most of my free time thinking about my more or less disgusting fetishes, not everyone gets the same treatment when it comes to my love for human-body aesthetics, hoping you get what I mean.
My guess is that the people you are used to, you might call them NT, they are easily overwhelmed by the idea of having sex, probably afraid of showing their love too much because they try their best to make the situation comfortable, and the more they trust each other, the more lovely things (most often you see holding hands, kissing, etc...) they do, until they have enough confidence to make the thing... you know what.
Remember that to the common person, they might say or tell themselves that the last thing they would do is show off their love savagely, because, well, savagely. I often feel that people think that "People are not savages", I feel it can make sense and agree. Most of the time, the absolute, ultimate reason people don't show their love too much...
is that they think they're too good or civilized to be things like sex beasts, whether it is objectively true or not, and whether that last thing about objectivity is even important. I don't know about the true reason why people are so bothered by sex, but the thing is that people will try to shut up about sex and be humble about it, you will never change that alone and now. People will say that love is not always about sex, that's why in dating, you don't simply say "LET'S MAKE SEX!! !!" and then you go to bed and do it, calm down.
My idea? If you ever want to date, maybe copy your own (dating) partner in the sense of dropping the same hints but not exactly, talk almost about the same things as he or she do. Then you can start to accept and propose fun activities you can do together, then you can try to propose a date, try not to talk about romance or sex too much of course, better go to some place that puts you well, maybe outside restaurants or things that people are used to, maybe try to discuss with him or her about where you want to date. The best thing first is to tell her you have some autism, if you have it, same for any other difference, it is much better to live with someone who accepts your difference than suffer a life in fear of your partner discovering the truth and then rejecting you like trash, just imagine. The best for you might be a honest relationship, not telling you to tell the truth about yourself, but simply try to make your relationship comfortable for you or your partner too.
If you feel something is about about your partner, you can discuss with him or her without talking about romance, sex neither obviously, just forget about it for that moment. If you hear about your partner thinking that they feel bad (but not sick) or that it is not worth it (sometimes literally as*holes bringing up that they're disappointed, just an idea), then that means you can't be in a relationship with this person, simply, but you can always try with someone else, you shouldn't worry, you just didn't have the chance for this time.
Not sure if this is going to happen that way or if this is a good idea, but this is my thought, cannot think better for now, obviously since I never have gone further than being in love.
Remember that to the common person, they might say or tell themselves that the last thing they would do is show off their love savagely, because, well, savagely. I often feel that people think that "People are not savages", I feel it can make sense and agree. Most of the time, the absolute, ultimate reason people don't show their love too much...
I don't think most NT adults are overwhelmed by the idea of having sex. On the contrary, I think for most of then it's the main driving force of their life.
I think they are afraid of love and showing love because that can feel overwhelming. They're especially afraid of the commitment or expectation that can with it.
Most people are savages bit they don't realize it or are in denial of it. If you've been a ND person in public school you usually know just how savage they can be. But even an adult they are driven by simple desires: greed, lust, fear, tribalism.
RetroGamer87
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Joined: 30 Jul 2013
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 11,085
Location: Adelaide, Australia
That's news to me unless it's not consensual.
How do they deal with issues like birth control and STIs?
People "talk" about sex but not always verbally.
_________________
The days are long, but the years are short
So what?
Oh noes, I went through college without getting laid! How will my penis ever forgive me for ignoring its wishes?
Men have two heads, but most of them don't realize only one of them should ever be allowed to make decisions.
This issue goes beyond college.
Social awkwardness jeopardizes your odds of getting laid throughout your whole adulthood too.
If it weren't for online hookups, a lot of socially awkward folk would never (or extremely rarely) get laid.
I really don't think it's unreasonable for the socially awkward to pursue the same thing the rest of the world pursues.
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