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Should we inform our romantic interests of our condition?

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DazyDaisy
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04 Mar 2024, 2:07 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
DazyDaisy wrote:
If you live in USA I know that many companies scheadule, once or twice a year, a kind of interview where they ask employees what they think about their work, how much they achieved and contributed to a company growth, etc. If they prove they did well they get promotion or their salary raised or both. Can you talk with your boss about your achievements? If you prove him you did well too and he still doesn't want to promote you can than mention discrimination..Hope other members put their thoughts if this would be wise, complaining to boss about his own discrimination..


This was a decade ago. Water under the bridge.

He never told me that being on the spectrum was why he opted out of promoting me. But that's the only possible explanation (after all, if I was really such a terrible employee, he wouldn't have kept me at all).

Unfortunately, even if I were to claim discrimination at the time, my battle would have been futile. Had I taken him to court, he would have known better than to admit my condition was why he opted out of promoting me.


Of course, he could play dumb in that case, pretending he doesn't know what are you talking about. But it was discrimination and I hope you never faced it again on your workplace (or in your life).


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11 Mar 2024, 3:00 pm

I think it's best to keep things under wraps for the first month or two. Than you can give your partner little hints and clues. Once that's achieved, you can refer some information that they can look up.


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cyberdad
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11 Mar 2024, 3:26 pm

I think people should respect privacy. If you don't want to share your diagnosis and it doesn't get in the way of a relationship why bring it up?



SkinnyElephant
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12 Mar 2024, 8:31 am

CockneyRebel wrote:
I think it's best to keep things under wraps for the first month or two. Than you can give your partner little hints and clues. Once that's achieved, you can refer some information that they can look up.


Now that's a better approach than informing your partner on day one.

On a different internet community, I chat with a guy on the spectrum. He said he's only 21, yet has been asked out by 5 girls already (that's more than me...and I have more than a decade on him).

However, he immediately told each and every one about his condition, at which point each and every one lost interest.

I told him that's exhibit A of why it's best to refrain from sharing the fact you're on the spectrum. His argument was that he likes transparency (and he doesn't want to be with anyone who has a problem with his condition).

Oh well, whatever floats his boat. As for me, I've never told any of my dates or sex partners about being on the spectrum.



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12 Mar 2024, 8:34 am

cyberdad wrote:
I think people should respect privacy. If you don't want to share your diagnosis and it doesn't get in the way of a relationship why bring it up?


Yeah.

There are certain tidbits a partner should share. For example, if you have AIDS or herpes, you should really inform your partner, as those are lifelong diseases you could pass onto your partner.

Being on the spectrum though? Not something your partner needs to know. Just like if a 45 year old woman had a threesome in college, that's not something her current boyfriend needs to know. Nor does anyone need to know who your first kiss or first sex partner was.



nick007
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12 Mar 2024, 2:12 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
I think it's best to keep things under wraps for the first month or two. Than you can give your partner little hints and clues. Once that's achieved, you can refer some information that they can look up.


Now that's a better approach than informing your partner on day one.

On a different internet community, I chat with a guy on the spectrum. He said he's only 21, yet has been asked out by 5 girls already (that's more than me...and I have more than a decade on him).

However, he immediately told each and every one about his condition, at which point each and every one lost interest.

I told him that's exhibit A of why it's best to refrain from sharing the fact you're on the spectrum. His argument was that he likes transparency (and he doesn't want to be with anyone who has a problem with his condition).

Oh well, whatever floats his boat. As for me, I've never told any of my dates or sex partners about being on the spectrum.
It's possible that if he hadn't told them things would not have gone further than the first date due to his autism issues or for other reasons. I've known various disabled people including ones with non-immediately noticeable physical disabilities who experienced this d@mned if you do d@mned if you don't scenario.

As for myself I value directness & transparency within a relationship but I'm very guarded with everyone else I know or meet offline. I have a couple physical disabilities I would readily tell strangers about & I might tell them about my dyslexia depending on circumstances. They don't need to know about my autism unless we get closer. My GP type docs & psychs know about my autism but I don't bring that issue up to them since they cant really treat it specifically.


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16 Mar 2024, 12:23 pm

nick007 wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
CockneyRebel wrote:
I think it's best to keep things under wraps for the first month or two. Than you can give your partner little hints and clues. Once that's achieved, you can refer some information that they can look up.


Now that's a better approach than informing your partner on day one.

On a different internet community, I chat with a guy on the spectrum. He said he's only 21, yet has been asked out by 5 girls already (that's more than me...and I have more than a decade on him).

However, he immediately told each and every one about his condition, at which point each and every one lost interest.

I told him that's exhibit A of why it's best to refrain from sharing the fact you're on the spectrum. His argument was that he likes transparency (and he doesn't want to be with anyone who has a problem with his condition).

Oh well, whatever floats his boat. As for me, I've never told any of my dates or sex partners about being on the spectrum.
It's possible that if he hadn't told them things would not have gone further than the first date due to his autism issues or for other reasons. I've known various disabled people including ones with non-immediately noticeable physical disabilities who experienced this d@mned if you do d@mned if you don't scenario.

As for myself I value directness & transparency within a relationship but I'm very guarded with everyone else I know or meet offline. I have a couple physical disabilities I would readily tell strangers about & I might tell them about my dyslexia depending on circumstances. They don't need to know about my autism unless we get closer. My GP type docs & psychs know about my autism but I don't bring that issue up to them since they cant really treat it specifically.


Yeah. You're right. Even without informing a romantic interest of his condition, it's possible they wouldn't get beyond the first date. I myself failed to get past the first date last time I went on a date.

That being said, I've managed to maintain longer relationships (longest was 8 months). He should have at least given it a shot.



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16 Mar 2024, 9:10 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
It could be a way to eliminate a dud and minimize wasted time. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would ditch me or discriminate against me for having autism, so I’d always be upfront about it. Sure, not everyone is knowledgeable about autism, but if they aren’t willing to learn, then I’m not willing to date them. It’s not like I appear that different apart from being a bit timid, weird, and awkward.

I'm in agreement with this. I might not...well in the past I wouldn't have said anything on the first date. But I would've brought it up early on for these reasons.

Now, I think I'd be more inclined to lay it all out. Tell them if they didn't think they can handle a woman with these things going on, then they need to leave me the hell alone lolol


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17 Mar 2024, 2:21 pm

Alterity wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
It could be a way to eliminate a dud and minimize wasted time. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would ditch me or discriminate against me for having autism, so I’d always be upfront about it. Sure, not everyone is knowledgeable about autism, but if they aren’t willing to learn, then I’m not willing to date them. It’s not like I appear that different apart from being a bit timid, weird, and awkward.

I'm in agreement with this. I might not...well in the past I wouldn't have said anything on the first date. But I would've brought it up early on for these reasons.

Now, I think I'd be more inclined to lay it all out. Tell them if they didn't think they can handle a woman with these things going on, then they need to leave me the hell alone lolol


Personally, I've never told any woman I've been with about my condition.

For that matter, other than my brother and parents, no one in my family even knows I'm on the spectrum.

As for why I'd be reluctant to share the fact I'm on the spectrum with a romantic partner: Because if our relationship ends badly, she could use the fact I'm on the spectrum to blackmail me (by informing my employer, informing our mutual acquaintances, etc).

It's extremely important to me that as few individuals as possible in real life find out I'm on the spectrum.



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19 Mar 2024, 9:37 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Alterity wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
It could be a way to eliminate a dud and minimize wasted time. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would ditch me or discriminate against me for having autism, so I’d always be upfront about it. Sure, not everyone is knowledgeable about autism, but if they aren’t willing to learn, then I’m not willing to date them. It’s not like I appear that different apart from being a bit timid, weird, and awkward.

I'm in agreement with this. I might not...well in the past I wouldn't have said anything on the first date. But I would've brought it up early on for these reasons.

Now, I think I'd be more inclined to lay it all out. Tell them if they didn't think they can handle a woman with these things going on, then they need to leave me the hell alone lolol


Personally, I've never told any woman I've been with about my condition.

For that matter, other than my brother and parents, no one in my family even knows I'm on the spectrum.

As for why I'd be reluctant to share the fact I'm on the spectrum with a romantic partner: Because if our relationship ends badly, she could use the fact I'm on the spectrum to blackmail me (by informing my employer, informing our mutual acquaintances, etc).

It's extremely important to me that as few individuals as possible in real life find out I'm on the spectrum.

Why is it so important to keep it from them?

If you come off NT enough or mask so well that people aren't picking up anything, there may not be any real reason for you tell anyone. I know that there has been benefit for me to just tell people. If there has been a negative, I don't know what it was Lol


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20 Mar 2024, 1:18 pm

I definitely come across as eccentric, but probably not diagnosable by a nonprofessional. So I'd wait a while, till I was sure she liked me for my weird self, before explicitly telling her.

I told my girlfriend after about a month, when it was very clear that she was really into me.


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21 Mar 2024, 11:53 am

Alterity wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
Alterity wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
It could be a way to eliminate a dud and minimize wasted time. I wouldn’t want to be with someone who would ditch me or discriminate against me for having autism, so I’d always be upfront about it. Sure, not everyone is knowledgeable about autism, but if they aren’t willing to learn, then I’m not willing to date them. It’s not like I appear that different apart from being a bit timid, weird, and awkward.

I'm in agreement with this. I might not...well in the past I wouldn't have said anything on the first date. But I would've brought it up early on for these reasons.

Now, I think I'd be more inclined to lay it all out. Tell them if they didn't think they can handle a woman with these things going on, then they need to leave me the hell alone lolol


Personally, I've never told any woman I've been with about my condition.

For that matter, other than my brother and parents, no one in my family even knows I'm on the spectrum.

As for why I'd be reluctant to share the fact I'm on the spectrum with a romantic partner: Because if our relationship ends badly, she could use the fact I'm on the spectrum to blackmail me (by informing my employer, informing our mutual acquaintances, etc).

It's extremely important to me that as few individuals as possible in real life find out I'm on the spectrum.

Why is it so important to keep it from them?

If you come off NT enough or mask so well that people aren't picking up anything, there may not be any real reason for you tell anyone. I know that there has been benefit for me to just tell people. If there has been a negative, I don't know what it was Lol


As others said on this thread, society views the spectrum as being synonymous with mental retardation (even though there's a huge difference between being on the spectrum vs being mentally challenged).

This lines up with my experience the one time I informed an employer I'm on the spectrum. For the rest of the time I worked for him, he treated me like a mentally challenged 8 year old.

In most settings, I pass for neurotypical. That job was an exception. I was extremely out of my element (because the nature of the work didn't match my skillset at all). As a result, my ASD really came out. I only informed my boss because he blackmailed me into telling him (He basically said one day "I can tell there's something wrong with you. If you come clean about what exactly is wrong with you, I'm going to admire your honesty. If you don't come clean, you're fired")



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22 Mar 2024, 1:31 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Just like if a 45 year old woman had a threesome in college, that's not something her current boyfriend needs to know. Nor does anyone need to know who your first kiss or first sex partner was.


Wow! I never cease to be amazed/surprised on this forum



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22 Mar 2024, 1:35 am

SkinnyElephant wrote:
As others said on this thread, society views the spectrum as being synonymous with mental retardation (even though there's a huge difference between being on the spectrum vs being mentally challenged).


Wait! where did this come from?? Why bring in people who are intellectually impaired? low hanging fruit to pick on? I can tell you most NT people's perceptions of autism is savants who are in the MENSA range of IQ (not low IQ).

I understand there are nasty NTs who throw slurs like the "r" word but there's actually a lot of apsies on this forum who are in happy successful relationships and friendships whose partners and friends do not consider them "r,,,,,".



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22 Mar 2024, 1:38 am

I usually disclose after they get to know me some more but I know it benefits some to disclose right away. I think it’s mostly what you’re comfortable with.



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22 Mar 2024, 1:42 am

AMarvelousMind wrote:
I usually disclose after they get to know me some more but I know it benefits some to disclose right away. I think it’s mostly what you’re comfortable with.


NT males have an algorithm. The more attractive you are, the less they care about some diagnosis.