How do you decide if someone is right for you?

Post Reply New Topic

Of course, but the filtration process starts in the first 5 minutes

Meh. 5 minutes isn’t much time. As I said, I’m more about being friends with someone for a while before dating. Sometimes I can hit it off with someone as I get to know them.

Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 10 Sep 2024, 6:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Paraphrased

Seriously... How many questions would it take to get an inkling of these answers?
The last is the only one requiring ongoing analysis

Last edited by Carbonhalo on 10 Sep 2024, 7:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Yes, as I said, much of that would take WAY longer than 5 minutes for me to figure out. For example, a person could SEEM kind and empathetic in 5 minutes without actually being either of those things. Been there, experienced that.

Which brings me back to trusting your own analysis

It’s not just about trusting my analysis, though. It’s about genuine safety concerns among other things. 5 minutes is hardly any time. I wouldn’t be comfortable enough or like someone enough to date them until I got to know them better. Being friends for days, weeks, or months first is more my speed.

Of course

But is 5 minutes REALLY enough time to ascertain if someone is right for you?

Or do you need to be given more time to determine that?

The last 4 words suggest you once trusted your rapid assessment

It’s more complex than that, and I do not feel like detailing my trauma history here. I’ve always preferred being friends with someone first. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I don’t get why people care. I can have whatever preferences I damn well please. There’s no right or wrong when it comes to what we prefer…within reason and the law.

TP...You're absolutely right.
Everyone does things differently,
Life has a tendency to adjust us away from a standard set of parameters if there ever were such things.
But it seems possible to me that a mental rapid trust assessment module exists and an average first assessment time seems to be five minutes.
My apologies for using your posts as a fulcrum to lever my brain to explain it thus


Bee.. I told you this would get interesting

5 mins? Probably not. We are all complicated creatures. Understanding our individual idiosyncrasies take's time plus adjusting to changing circumstances as they happen. For example you start dating a really nice, quiet dude who is a professional and earns big bucks, he's had it easy all his life. then his company lays off staff and he's out on the street. Suddenly he doesn't know how to handle unemployment, he starts drinking and becomes violent, Could his g/f have seen that coming?

And you were right!

For myself, I think I can tell pretty quickly, though I'm sure I could be fooled by someone who is slick at pretending to be nice and it might take time for me to figure it out. Fortunately that hasn't happened to me. I don't exactly know how to describe it, but I do get a sense pretty quickly if I like someone, and if they like me.

I have zero practical sense if someone is right for me. Which I think encompasses a lot of the problems I have dating? And why I keep ending up with people who mistreat me despite being so aware of the statistic involving autistic women and actively trying to avoid abusers. Anybody got a formula beyond pleasant and not running away I can apply? Because my current one is obviously not working

This might be why I've heard so many men say "as soon as I met her I knew I was gonna marry her". I can't remember ever hearing a woman say this

For me it's a rational choice to be with someone. So if they're successful, have their own gaff, are independent, can look after themselves and they must already have a social life and be able to hold down relationships and friendships on their own without me. I guess I just don't want someone who depends on me in any way. I'm not gonna be someone's mother

Unfortunately I don't think there's a formula, but I do think it's hard for dirtbags to pretend to be kind indefinitely. Look for kindness, not just towards you but how do they treat waitstaff in restaurants, for instance? Be on the lookout for flaws in their armor.