Aspie dating success stories

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IsabellaLinton
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28 Sep 2024, 1:07 pm

As for other autistic relationships, my parents were married almost 50 years.


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MaxE
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28 Sep 2024, 1:43 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
If a woman says she can’t find good relationships or hasn’t had success it seems she’s dismissed as not making a valid contribution, or for being wrong. Conversely, if a woman says she’s had good experiences dating it seems to prove some men’s belief that women have it “easier”, and it validates those men when they say women don’t face equal challenges to men.

OP wrote briefly. I guess we can all feel free to read their mind.


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IsabellaLinton
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28 Sep 2024, 1:53 pm

I didn’t mention the OP, and I didn’t say it was specific to this thread although yes there’s evidence of it in this thread.

It’s an ongoing issue on WP which has been addressed many times before by women, a few men, former mods, and Cornflake.


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Double Retired
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28 Sep 2024, 2:37 pm

When I was in my late 20s I took a new job. An older female coworker apparently liked how I looked on paper and fixed me up to take her daughter (a few years younger than me) to a concert. I was a "gift". The daughter and I liked each other and continued dating but ultimately her mother had her daughter drop me when I wanted to make it more serious. :(

In my late 30s/early 40s I was very involved romantically with a co-worker (slightly older than me) for a few years. She wanted marriage but I didn't trust her judgement on life-in-general and I could not bring myself to marry someone who I didn't think was able to look out for her own best interests, much less mine. She broke up with me...repeatedly...but then kept coming back. I persevered because I was hoping she'd eventually persuade me she wasn't doomed to self-destruction. Eventually I stopped accepting her return. :-?

By my mid-40s I'd given up on ever marrying. Gals became just people to me. :hmph:

Then, at a Mensa party, I met a gal and we immediately hit it off. Our ages were about the same. We were both in Mensa. We'd both been in the Air Force, achieved the same rank, and had similar technical specialties. We enjoyed talking to each other. I did not follow-up and she later told me she was disappointed I hadn't asked for her phone number.

A few months later she needed a favor from someone, remembered me and realized I would be able to help her, and remembered enough about me that she was able to contact me for the favor. She called me just to ask for the favor and did not expect that we would meet in person.

But while talking to her I realized there was second favor I could do for her. I offered to help with that, also, but it meant we had to meet in person so I could give her some empty boxes that would be useful for a local move.

...and...um...our next wedding anniversary will be our 25th! :heart: :heart: :heart:


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28 Sep 2024, 7:08 pm

Double Retired wrote:
When I was in my late 20s I took a new job. An older female coworker apparently liked how I looked on paper and fixed me up to take her daughter (a few years younger than me) to a concert. I was a "gift". The daughter and I liked each other and continued dating but ultimately her mother had her daughter drop me when I wanted to make it more serious. :(

In my late 30s/early 40s I was very involved romantically with a co-worker (slightly older than me) for a few years. She wanted marriage but I didn't trust her judgement on life-in-general and I could not bring myself to marry someone who I didn't think was able to look out for her own best interests, much less mine. She broke up with me...repeatedly...but then kept coming back. I persevered because I was hoping she'd eventually persuade me she wasn't doomed to self-destruction. Eventually I stopped accepting her return. :-?

By my mid-40s I'd given up on ever marrying. Gals became just people to me. :hmph:

Then, at a Mensa party, I met a gal and we immediately hit it off. Our ages were about the same. We were both in Mensa. We'd both been in the Air Force, achieved the same rank, and had similar technical specialties. We enjoyed talking to each other. I did not follow-up and she later told me she was disappointed I hadn't asked for her phone number.

A few months later she needed a favor from someone, remembered me and realized I would be able to help her, and remembered enough about me that she was able to contact me for the favor. She called me just to ask for the favor and did not expect that we would meet in person.

But while talking to her I realized there was second favor I could do for her. I offered to help with that, also, but it meant we had to meet in person so I could give her some empty boxes that would be useful for a local move.

...and...um...our next wedding anniversary will be our 25th! :heart: :heart: :heart:


Thanks for posting your story Double Retired.



cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 7:19 pm

IsabellaLinton wrote:
I’m never sure what we’re supposed to say but it seems like the word “aspie” is code speak for “men only”, when it shouldn’t be.


I think there is some truth (and it makes sense) if it's in L&D and the OP is a male aspie looking for examples of success stories.

the perception is female aspies have no problems so their testimonies aren't what the OP is looking for, he wants male aspie success stories from the perspective "if they can do it, then there is hope for me".



cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 7:22 pm

MaxE wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
MaxE wrote:
Anyway that's probably the most positive answer I can give.



Ummm.
Isn't your marriage an aspie success story?

One reason I don't use myself as an example is that I'm self-diagnosed, which was much more common 11 years ago than it is today, but I believe that would somewhat discredit whatever I said. Regarding myself, it would seem that when I was younger, I was significantly more attractive than I believed myself to be, because during my adolescence, my peers would say things to suggest I wasn't, but subsequent experience seems to suggest otherwise. I have tried to post before about the extent to which people avoid the topic of attractiveness vs. "dating success" and usually those threads have turned into discussions of gender politics that have nothing to do with what I was trying to say. But it's possible that I had some success just due to women seeing me and deciding either they liked what they saw, or at least found me acceptable in the case of a couple who were blatantly seeking sex and born too soon for the benefits of Tinder.

I will say though, that my "courtship" of my wife was the closest thing to a traditional dating relationship I ever experienced, by which I mean asking someone on dates and becoming more intimate as dates progressed. By then I was almost 32 and it took me that long to get to that point, but prior "romantic" relationships and situationships had given me confidence I could find women who were attracted, and in addition I did have a "good" job and owned a condo, which I guess gave me an unfair advantage if compared to "typical" single autistic men. I've talked about these things here before.


Good post, you make a lot of interesting points.



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28 Sep 2024, 7:31 pm

cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I’m never sure what we’re supposed to say but it seems like the word “aspie” is code speak for “men only”, when it shouldn’t be.


I think there is some truth (and it makes sense) if it's in L&D and the OP is a male aspie looking for examples of success stories.

the perception is female aspies have no problems so their testimonies aren't what the OP is looking for, he wants male aspie success stories from the perspective "if they can do it, then there is hope for me".

The OP wasn’t gender specific. This thread is about “Aspie Dating Success Stories.” Overall, it’s positive to make these topics less about gender to undue common misperceptions and to keep folks from feeling othered which has been a problem on WP.



cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 7:33 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
Obviously, many other things including shyness and social awkwardness can make dating difficult as well. Working on those things rather than focusing on stuff you might not be able to change may be prudent, not that there aren’t factors that are outside our control, too.


Speaking from personal experience, there does reach a point where you feel the clock is starting to run out and you start to panic. Irrational thoughts and focusing on irrelevant issues that don't address the main stumbling blocks. I never had the luxury of online forums to talk to people or read other people's experiences to correct my irrational thoughts.

Over the years on WP I have read many male success stories like retired comedy writers or MaxE's so common themes for success involve changing things you are capable of changing (working hard, making money, improving your personal hygiene, clothing choices and emotional maturity). All of these make a massive impact on personal self-confidence. Without self-confidence you might as well give up. I made the mistake of waiting for a woman to drop into my lap. Obviously what I was doing wasn't working.

As a male I hope 1-2 things I did might rub off on dudes like Canadian freedom. I am sure female success stories can can also give hope to the female WP members. I would not take personally what a few desperate dateless males say because I can remember they are living in a bubble of their own lives.



Last edited by cyberdad on 28 Sep 2024, 7:36 pm, edited 2 times in total.

cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 7:35 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
cyberdad wrote:
IsabellaLinton wrote:
I’m never sure what we’re supposed to say but it seems like the word “aspie” is code speak for “men only”, when it shouldn’t be.


I think there is some truth (and it makes sense) if it's in L&D and the OP is a male aspie looking for examples of success stories.

the perception is female aspies have no problems so their testimonies aren't what the OP is looking for, he wants male aspie success stories from the perspective "if they can do it, then there is hope for me".

The OP wasn’t gender specific. This thread is about “Aspie Dating Success Stories.” Overall, it’s positive to make these topics less about gender to undue common misperceptions and to keep folks from feeling othered which has been a problem on WP.


true, but I am interpreting he is looking for male aspie success stories, he is welcome to correct me



TwilightPrincess
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28 Sep 2024, 7:40 pm

I’m not so sure of that. Either way, if folks are solely looking to hear from men, another site would probably be more appropriate because autistic women are going to share their thoughts and experiences here.

We are all human beings. As should be abundantly clear from this thread and countless others, we face similar struggles. Listening to others’ experiences, no matter their gender, can be useful. I know that I’ve found talking to male friends especially helpful and meaningful in certain ways.

There seems to be too much of a tendency to fall back on erroneous beliefs and other people. Maybe that’s why so many around here don’t appear to understand women and believe we’re much more different than we actually are. Talking to women would help with that.



cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 8:31 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
I’m not so sure of that. Either way, if folks are solely looking to hear from men, another site would probably be more appropriate because autistic women are going to share their thoughts and experiences here.

We are all human beings. As should be abundantly clear from this thread and countless others, we face similar struggles. Listening to others’ experiences, no matter their gender, can be useful. I know that I’ve found talking to male friends especially helpful and meaningful in certain ways.

There seems to be too much of a tendency to fall back on erroneous beliefs and other people. Maybe that’s why so many around here don’t appear to understand women and believe we’re much more different than we actually are.


Expecting young dateless males to not feel "desperate" and to somehow develop high levels of empathy to female needs is naive. Firstly these males have little or no experience of interacting with "dateable" females. You can read all the books in the world but without actually interacting with females they can only rely on what other people tell them secondhand. Secondly, when they are put in a position where they have to interact with a potential date, they are focusing on subduing nervous tension, spontaneous anxiety and self-doubt. I suspect a lot of males do develop bias/erroneous beliefs and (yes) they should listen to female voices.

But will they? that's another question. But I will let the OP speak for himself.



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28 Sep 2024, 8:36 pm

cyberdad wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
I’m not so sure of that. Either way, if folks are solely looking to hear from men, another site would probably be more appropriate because autistic women are going to share their thoughts and experiences here.

We are all human beings. As should be abundantly clear from this thread and countless others, we face similar struggles. Listening to others’ experiences, no matter their gender, can be useful. I know that I’ve found talking to male friends especially helpful and meaningful in certain ways.

There seems to be too much of a tendency to fall back on erroneous beliefs and other people. Maybe that’s why so many around here don’t appear to understand women and believe we’re much more different than we actually are.


Expecting young dateless males to not feel "desperate" and to somehow develop high levels of empathy to female needs is naive.
It’s not naïve. I’ve known men who were capable of just that. Those are the sort of men I respect.
Quote:
Firstly these males have little or no experience of interacting with "dateable" females. You can read all the books in the world but without actually interacting with females they can only rely on what other people tell them secondhand.
That’s why talking and listening to women on platforms like WP could be especially valuable.
Quote:
Secondly, when they are put in a position where they have to interact with a potential date, they are focusing on subduing nervous tension, spontaneous anxiety and self-doubt.
Yep, I’ve certainly experienced that as have many women. Anxiety is something I struggle with on a daily basis, but it’s always present in social situations/dating scenarios.
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I suspect a lot of males do develop :idea: bias/erroneous beliefs and (yes) they should listen to female voices.
Even if they won’t listen, they can’t stop us from talking, and we all must abide by WP’s rules, guidelines, and expectations.



cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 9:22 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
It’s not naïve. I’ve known men who were capable of just that. Those are the sort of men I respect.
.


We are talking about a segment of the male population who feel they are locked out of the dating pool. I am saying it's naive to think they will understand female psychology without experience. Yes there are men who transition through this (I am one of them).



cyberdad
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28 Sep 2024, 9:25 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
That’s why talking and listening to women on platforms like WP could be especially valuable.


I agree. but unless both the men and women leave their house and make an effort to communicate/practice F2F (not involve online swiping or SMS) there will be overwhelming challenges that no amount of "good advice" will overcome.



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28 Sep 2024, 9:33 pm

I’m not even talking about advice. I’m talking about having normal conversations/friendships with women as well as seeing what they have to say about L&D concerning their preferences and experiences. Going from having no interactions with women to a relationship could be a challenge, especially if there are toxic beliefs and attitudes involved. Even if one manages to get into a relationship keeping it may be something else.

Working on harmful beliefs before dating is prudent because women shouldn’t have to be subjected to sexist nonsense. Once again, platforms like WP could help with that although talking to women offline is important, too.



Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 28 Sep 2024, 11:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.