Why difficult for relationships with aspergers?

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calandale
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09 Sep 2007, 3:23 pm

Tim_Tex wrote:

I am looking for a liberal Aspie woman who has many of the same interests as me, but finding one who either lives near me or is willing to do a long-distance relationship is nearly impossible.

Tim

Don't be so certain that all aspies are aware of it.
Nor that everyone has to be diagnosable to be
compatible with you.

Tim_Tex
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09 Sep 2007, 5:18 pm

I want to meet other like-minded Aspie females, but none of them want to meet me.

Tim

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Cordelia
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09 Sep 2007, 5:30 pm

well, I'm almost 40 and I just figured out I have asperger's. So....I don't know...I bet there are a lot in your area; they just are trying to cover it up. I have been trying to fit in, since forever, and not understanding myself. Such a relief to figure it out. Do you belong to a local asperger's group or have you given thought to creating one?

AussieMatt
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10 Sep 2007, 12:36 am

Bightme wrote:

AussieMatt wrote:

I say that why? Well there are so many females with AS have relationships and the males have lesser contributes. I wonder why female with AS have more relationships than male with AS? Is it to do with teenagers adolscent? Still there are plenty males in adulthood are still single while female with AS in relationships aswell. What some kind of record is this? There are lesser chances for me getting a relationship with a female (either have AS or not)?

How would we to get this work? Its extremely hard for me to get in right track and aswell getting friends. Look, i know im 16 but im trying to get a point before i be like those AS adult males. I have no excuse for these females i may meet in future to reject me, especially university. I have a dear that have no survival.

How we get out of this?

We need to contribute this?

I think it is to do with the differing roles that both genders typically have to take up for courtship, the male is still commonly expected to initiate proceedings and be the more dominant party; so perhaps it is somewhat easier for girls with AS to partake in relationships for this reason, as well as the (somewhat stereotypical) view that men (with or without AS) generally require less emotional reciprocity than woman - though that is just my best guess.

Quite amusing if i meet any nice females such as christians at university, make chance?

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10 Sep 2007, 12:38 am

jkrane wrote:

perhaps aspie females can relate better to guys in general?

im guessing that's what makes them so attractive to both NT and AS guys

I have a feeling this has quite a bit to do with it. Females with AS as far as I know rarely have female friends either, so it doesn't surprise me that it would be difficult finding a relationship of sorts for a male.

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LadyMahler
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10 Sep 2007, 12:47 am

I relate quite well with NT guys on a professional level (e.g. geeks, engineers, actuaries etc). My husband is also an NT guy and I wouldn't have it any other ways: he is my connection to the NT frequency of the world, which I need, both as a professional and a social person. He enjoys my aspie part (even if it brings frustrations) because I understand if he spends two years perfecting his arcade machine in the back room, only surfacing for food and air.

I only have one Aspie friend and we relate exceptionally well, but I think it is because we're both quite a bit older, we are strictly friends (I think romance screws up things sometimes!) and we have learned how to have a relationship with another person (so, give and take, listen to one another, be caring, all those things that we sometimes forget as aspies, not on purpose, it is just not on our agenda by default). I think it is hard to have a relationship with an aspie, two aspies may either be harder or less hard, depending on whether you share the same interests and how keen you are to make the friendship work.

Tim: you have not met all the girls in the world as I said, there is time. Perhaps you will meet her when you are 35. In the meantime, you should try and make friends and live your life, 'cause that's still 8 years to go...

samtoo
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10 Sep 2007, 3:38 am

I have been out with a couple of girls, although this hasn't gone down well at all: -

1st ex - a bit mad and doesn't know whether she's blowing hot or cold, at that point anyway... lol only lasted a couple of weeks - bless her soul she had the bravery to break it up quickly I guess.
Still though - not exactly ideal lol and I was easily pushed over at that point.

2nd ex - jeez... a mistake!? I guess... she was quite horrible I have to admit... I wasn't strong enough at that time... she kinda walked all over me. It lasted slightly over a month. What sucks is this - she owned up, but she told me that she sorta you know... did something with someone else lol. Not to that extent though, and despite that I still forgave her.
She also called me a ret*d when I was with her, all the time, as if she got satisfaction from killing my self-esteem. She manipulated me... quite why I parted with my money from time to time to buy her stuff I don't know... I lost money and got hurt... great lol. She left me sorta a bit afterwards, although we sorta agreed somewhat. And a further insult to the injury - she's now with the guy she sorta umm... did something with. :roll:

Potential girlfriend - I'm stronger now... still uncertain from time to time about my stability and ability, but I know I'm stronger and much less tolerant to allow anyone to abuse me like that... although with this stronger view comes a side effect - it can go out of control - sometimes paranoia takes over... but I do believe I'm just about ready now to be able to hold my own and treat a girl right without anything bad happening to me.

But who knows? One can never predict.

My point is even though I've persisted and stuck at it, all I've been rewarded with is a mad person and a b**** lol :roll:
Although I do believe the one I might get with now is much nicer than my ex, and much more emotionally mature than both... although nowadays my first ex is stronger. Good for her - I'm glad she's getting somewhere.

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pbcoll
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10 Sep 2007, 5:22 am

pbcoll wrote:

Tim_Tex wrote:

pbcoll wrote:

AussieMatt wrote:

simple: men are expected to initiate relationships. this is hard for both male and female aspies, but female aspies don't need to do it to get a relationship, whereas the males do. if a male is not seen to take the intitiative, everyone will assume he's just not interested; if a female doesn't take the inititative, it's unremarkable and nobody assumes anything.

I have tried making the first move lately, but (a) the person I am interested in sometimes does not reciprocate, and (b) there are very few people that I find all that interesting. I am very specific about who I want.

Tim

I sympathise. in my city, I know (I kid you not) a grand total of one female not already taken. i'm not interested in her, and she's not interested in me. the two girls i'm interested in are taken, and one is moving accross the atlantic in a few days. (seriously, there are no single women here; the only time in my life i've been to a club, there was just one girl without a SO there, and there were easily a dozen single men...)

corrigendum: I now know exactly zero single females in my city.

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Bightme
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10 Sep 2007, 9:56 am

AussieMatt wrote:

Bightme wrote:

AussieMatt wrote:

Quite amusing if i meet any nice females such as christians at university, make chance?

Yes, I think finding the right type of girl to show interest in greatly increases your chances, well that's what I like to believe anyway.

rachiee_face90
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10 Sep 2007, 8:51 pm

alexbeetle wrote:

I have been taken advantage of, taken for granted and generally treated badly in all my relationships so now don't want to go near any NT guys.

I agree. I mean, I'm only 16 years old, but all my boyfriends were NT...and they all took advantage of me whether it was bossing me around in general or trying to convince me to do things with them that I really didn't want to.