First date tips for this Aspie (this Fri.)

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Update time. Unfortunately this girl has to get chemotherapy twice per week and will be on a list to get bone marrow from a doner. I've spoken with her on the phone several times and she said to me last week that she also had feelings for me after I told her that I had them for her.
She has not been aggresive at all in persuing this until recently. Last night she asked me if I wanted to come over next week, because she is sure she won't feel like going out after being treated with chemo. She said I could give her a massage and talk. Her daughters will be with her grandmother. She made it clear that she didn't want a guy to see her daughters until she really gets to know him, because she doesn't want them hurt. I respect this so much.
I also don't get the impression that this girl wants to "put out" or is seeking a sexual relationship which is fine by me for now. I really just want a girl friend to talk to and care for.
So we'll probably end up spending time at her place. Please, please, please help with advice. What should I wear, say, bring up in conversation, do, not do, etc. etc. She of course knows I have Aspergers because her daughter has it. She I bring it up again. I can't read body language so should I try to hold her hand first?

Picture? Or at least discribe yourself, not all fashion tips work for everyone.

I'm sorry to here she's so sick... Right now will be hard on her, so be gentle, supportive, and kind. Do not bring condoms, this will only cause a mess because if she sees them she'll think you expect her to put out. If she wants to go further, hold back, a lot of times people will go too fast when they get very sick, and fail to make a true connection. As for dating tips, just be yourself. Socially awkward may be cute to her, in fact I love that trait in my husband. Women love men who tae care of them, and are willing to just hold them and talk.

What do I look like? Well I'm not much of a looker. I'm 5 foot 5, overweight (not obese, just overweight, balding, broad shoulders, white, green eyes. We have seen pictures of each other and she is fine with my appearance. She said that it is not that important to her. She on the other hand is quite attractive. She is 5 foot 6, green eyes, decent shape, long brown hair (natural blonde). I would give her a 8 out of 10, but then again I am not picky. I would like this girl no matter what she looked like, her appearance just adds to her beauty. She must be extremely intelligent from what I have experienced with her so far. She went to private schools growing up, was accepted into medical school at Duke, runs organizations at a large church, etc.

I should probably bring food since she is sick. Flowers or teddy bear? Don't worry, I didn't plan on bringing condoms. lol

definitely a teddy bear.
Since she is sick and having chemo, she probably will be in bed/tired, so it'll be hard for her to water the flowers.

hope she gets well soon

Okay, so you're visiting her at her house. Flowers are a bit too formal for coming over to a girl's house when she's sick. So definitely go with the teddy bear, but not a huge one. Skip the cologne, but take a shower before you go, so you will smell clean. Just be casual, but competent (so no pants with holes; no star trek t-shirts, that kind of thing. Polo shirts are good--so says my boyfriend). Don't bring food, just the teddy bear.

Conversation topics- Ask her questions and don't ask yes/no questions, but open ended questions, so it gives you a chance to have a conversation. Before telling her something, think to yourself, would she care? I do that when I'm talking to friends. In fact, just think before you speak every time. But don't think too long! Make her your new special interest.

Thanks so much guys. This is great advice.

Wow, just read through this whole topic and it's like a movie...

I think you really have best case scenario here: she's going through such a tough time and having someone over there that really cares is the best thing that can happen to anyone. You can make every social faux pas in the book, and she'll still be grateful to have you around. So you can really, really relax. Just beeeee yourself. Which seems like an incredibly nice person who any girl should be hugely lucky to be friends with. I'm so sorry you didn't get to have your Friday date, but perhaps this is just the universe making a way for you to get to know one another without the focus on starting something romantic, but rather just being there for one another as friends.

And, yes, unless she specifically does not like them (weird!), chocolates, dude. They go down well. Always. And you can share them. And you don't have to get up from bed to find a vase for them, and you can replace them without feeling akward, often.

Keep us up to date!

For clothing, I'd go with a dark jeans if I were you, just simple, straight cut and in good condition ((not too faded, no holes)). If it's cold were you are, a charcoal sweater and dark jacket work well, if not go with a nice tee shirt. ((Don't do the colors yellow, orange pink, ect)) I've always liked darker colors on men, reds, blues, purples, grey, black... But don't do all black! You're not gothic, or attending a funeral. Dark colors also help people with stockier builds, and brighter colors work well on very tall broomstick men. ((can you tell I don't like thin men? ^^;)) My husband is built the same way, only a few inches taller. Make sure that the clothes fit. This means that the seams of the shirt end at the shoulder, not half-way to the elbow. The shirt should hug the body just a little, not three sizes too big, but not clinging over the stomach either.

A teddy bear is a nice touch, so is chocolate. Make sure your clothes are clean and ironed ((little to no starch)) and that you've showered. Food is better left until after you get there, either see if she wants to go out, oder take out, or learn to cook for her. I've got some great and very easy recipes that anyone can do.

Wow, thank you guys so much for this advice. I agree that a lot of pressure is being taken off by the unfortunate scenerio.

Well this sweet girl is on her first week of chemo. They are not going to do radiation yet. It's crazy, because I came close to pulling out what hair I had left this week. Last Thursday she IM me saying that I was the only person she would let touch her (cuddle with). So she asked me if I wanted to come over to hang out and watch a movie or something. Well after that Thursday I hadn't heard from her in 4 days. I spoke with her on IM on Tuesday and she just seemed put off. When we have spoken on the phone she would *67 so I couldn't read her number. On the IM she said once that she was in a middle of a test, etc. Well, I sent her a long email explaining my feelings. I again told her that I cared for her and that I would never hurt her or leave her as long as there is trust. (I thought this would hit home with her because her real father left her natural mother when she was a baby and she has never seen him since). That night I went for a walk and she IM me back, but I wasn't there. She said she didn't think I wanted to date and just be friends because of me getting over my last relationship. What??? I couldn't believe that she didn't get the hint and didn't think I was really interested. This goes to show you about the great confusion made by emails and IM. Or could this be possibly the Asperger horror of communication? Horrible. I emailed her again and told her that I was very interested in dating her and was she interested in dating me.

Anyway, the next morning she sent me an IM and said that I made her smile reading my email and that she was interested. Awesome right? We had a long conversation on the phone last night which by the way she made not blocking her phone number. We talked for about 45 mintutes. I guess one reason I am happy about this potetentail relationship is that she is going to be a surgical doctor. We all know that doctors have to spend a lot of time away from home and a lot of partners can't put up with such limited time with their mate. Those of us with Aspergers can certainly deal with this kind of situation usually because as Dr. Tony Atwood stated our need for social contact is the size of a cup as opposed to NT individuals social contact is the size of a bucket. She is cute, pretty, funny, and very strong willed. It really sucks that she has bone marrow cancer. She said she is on a list with 45 other people and they usually only get 5 donors a year. She doesn't really have any elligible family members and she said she would refuse to use her daughters at this age only if it was a last resort which I can respect. She said that only o+ and B+ are potential donors. We don't know each other well enough, but I am B+. I do care for this person, but I would not donate my marrow unless this potential relationship goes into next year. I haven't told her my blood type and she hasn't asked. Am I being selfish? If it does get to that point when I would want to donate I would tell her (whether or not I am a match or not), "after doing this (which by the way is very painful and you can't get out of bed for a week) I don't want to hear anything else about it afterwards. I don't want you to thank me, tell anyone else about it, effect our relationship, or have you feel like you owe me anything." I would feel this way because she is a special person and has made me feel special.
I don't know about this weekend if she wants me to come over or not. She said that she is self-conscious about this cancer, but I told her I am the most unvain person in the World.

Phew, overload....

I'm glad you are moving towards something more than friends. I hope she can be less self conscious around you. I think if she doesn't respond to you within a certain time period, she is probably shy/scared. Or need some space to think - this is such a huge thing. So don't take it too personally if it happens. Just keep visiting. An there is no pressure for a donation - just take your time and see how things go.

Holding thumbs it all works out ok.

Did you ever get to meet her in person?

No I have not met her as of yet. She has gone back to work, three 12 hour shifts per week, has kemo therapy twice per week, has a daughter, and goes to school full time. I asked her a couple of weekends ago if she wanted to do something but she had her daughter that weekend. Yesterday morning (Sunday) she called me up and asked if my daughter and I wanted to go to Sea World with her and her daughter. Unfortunately, my daughter has pneumonia. Besides, really I don't think both of us feel too comfortable with our daughters meeting her and I already (but maybe she does now).
We don't talk on the internet anymore, only on the phone. I spoke with her for 4 hours throughout the day on Saturday. We talk about everyday about everything in our lives. We're never for a lose of words. She told me on the phone Wed. night that she wanted to see me so badly and she wanted me to hold her. This will happen guys, and I'll let you know how it goes.
She told me in an email that she can't believe that I have AS because of the way I communicate with her on the phone. I told her that may change a little when we meet in person because there are so much more stimuli and nonverbal communication things going on in person. I told her that I might get scared and run away from her. I asked her what she found attractive in a guy and one of the things she said was "being outgoing". I asked her why should would talk with a guy with AS then. She then said, "are you trying to disqualify yourself"? I said no, I was just being honest and she said that I didn't have to be "good" at it, just willing. I guess I am willing to make a fool of myself. lol.

I guess for all those who are single and have AS on here, don't give up on life and relationships. Yea, 80 pecent of marriages with AS end in divorce, but who cares. Get out there and love, fall on your face, and love again. It is better to love and lose that love then to never have loved at all. Think of life as a long line with endless change. We with AS tend to live life in an infinity sign where we cling to the same ideas, hobbies, and things. That is no way to live. Yea, you'll be safe and won't get hurt, but then you'll die wondering what if. All this may go away and I'll get hurt after meeting her, but I don't care anymore. I'm just focusing on caring for her and loving her the best way I know how. I wrote her a poem last night. Is it too corny? lol I changed the name to protect our identities.

A Girl Named Cathy

You came in my life like a warm soft breeze
At a time when I didn’t know what to do
It hit me from head to toe from my skin to my soul.
I can’t tell you what it means to spend time with you.

I wouldn’t change anything about you.
Because God made you special like every flake in the snow.
I don’t think it is by chance that our paths have crossed.
It is an angel without wings I have gotten to know.

You make me laugh even when you’re miles away
And you put a smile on my face when I’m all alone.
You possess a mind of a doctor and the beauty of a mother.
But I adore this woman named Cathy for who she is I talk to on the phone.

It seems being with you time comes to a stop.
Hours we’ll talk and laugh in the morning and night.
I look forward to the day I can look into your eyes
And take you in my arms and hold you tight

She just wrote me back saying that my poem was "cute" and I put a smile on her face after having a bad day. She said I was special to her too. I guess that was a good response to the poem.

It's been over a month. I think you really ought to go see her especially sense she wants you to.

You're right moo!! !! She knows that I'm not avoiding her, it's just our timing has been off. It will happen very soon. By the way I'm getting lasik eye surgery on the 16th of Nov. I can't wait.