how to get a girl who's way out of your league

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20 Nov 2007, 4:43 pm

What a load of BS! what a load of b.u.l.l.s.h.i.t !
Do you think that some stupid tricks of communication or some ways of treating are enough to get a girl who's really way away of your league?? This guy is not telling the whole story I guess.

The truth is that there's no way to get a girl who's really way out of your league . The only way to get this girl , is to become *in* her league or to have something that values equally or more than her 'league' . i.e Sucess,wealth,great talents... That's the only way.

jfberge
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20 Nov 2007, 8:21 pm

Spot17 wrote:

I've been bummed about the fact that I'm pretty mind blind when it comes to guys I'm interested in. I realize now that it doesn't really matter - If I'm interested in a guy and he treats me in a way that makes me feel badly, I should walk away.

I vacillate on the topic of how I should interact with a girl I'm interested in. On the one hand, it makes sense that I should just do and say whatever feels right, and the girl will either like me or not. Sort of an acid test. On the other hand, I think it's possible that I might turn off someone who could potentially come to like me by doing something too "mind blind"/aspie up front. My current compromise to is assiduously avoid women, which is akin to keeping the restroom clean by locking the door.

gwenevyn
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20 Nov 2007, 8:43 pm

LePetitPrince wrote:

Oh, look! It's my "just a friend" LPP.

I agree that the title is a bunch of bull. I don't believe in "leagues" though, just spheres of interest. You keep forgetting that success, wealth, and great talents only attract certain types of women. And no, not necessarily the pretty ones.

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SapphoWoman
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20 Nov 2007, 8:44 pm

I don't believe in "leagues". I'm surprised that so many Aspies here do, since we tend to not believe in social hierarchies. Hmmm... what the hell does "out of your league" mean? I know someone will give me an answer like, "Well, someone who is so much more attractive than you..."

Really, I don't believe in this idea of "leagues" at all. The concept is kind of pathetic, actually. I think it comes from the stereotypical story of "Nerdy guy is attracted--purely on an animalistic level--to 'Hot woman', and needs a strategy on how to 'get' her."

I have been physically attractive most of my adult life, and the idea of a man viewing me as "out of his league" makes me ill. I would never even want to talk to that kind of man.

Yuck.

Spot17
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20 Nov 2007, 9:56 pm

jfberge wrote:

I guess the way I'm coming to see it is this: I've had so many instances where I look back in retrospect and think "god, why did I do/say/act like that?", and it stresses me out so much. The times when I make a huge effort to come across in a "normal" manner, I have a feeling I'm actually just coming across as a cold, distant b***h. So screw it, I'm just not going to worry about it anymore. If a guy is freaked out enough by me to run and never look back because of my Aspie behavior, he's just not the right guy.

I don't believe that a person who would be turned off enough by Aspie behavior to not give the Aspie a second chance would actually ever be ok with Aspie behavior. They might pretend at first, but eventually they would either leave or make the Aspie's life a living hell by trying to change them into a normal person.

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21 Nov 2007, 6:13 am

gwenevyn wrote:

jfberge wrote:

I can't say any of this is bad advice, particularly the concept of not coming across as a pushover, but it's a bit too idealized. It assumes that the girl actually wants someone who values her.

Or, you might say, it assumes that the reader wants a girl who wants someone who values her.

Touché. you're absolutley right, and probably those are the only girls worth it in the end.

gwenevyn wrote:

Quote:

It seems obvious to me that most girls don't seek out men who hold a generally positive view of them, but rather whatever view they (the girls) have of themselves. This is why being a jerk is often productive - many women have negative self-images. A guy who doesn't reinforce that is seen as being kind of stupid/clueless for not knowing or seeing what is obvious to her. It ties in with the advice about not being too accomodating or dedicated. Doing so is seen as deference and "weakness," aka clingy. In her mind, if the guy really knew her, he should be wary of even dating her, let alone being overly positive about her.

I've been running this over in a section of my mind for a couple hours now. Parts of it struck me as true, and part of it didn't, but I couldn't figure out exactly why this was, at first.

I think what gives me pause is the fact that, in my personal experience, the guys who have been the "clingy" types are actually not nice--they are just mean in sneakier and more inconsistent ways. Obviously my experience doesn't necessarily indicate that this is how all clingy guys are, but I have the feeling that it wasn't an unusual experience either.

Guys who make too many sacrifices for women in order to be accomodating seem to build up a grudge or a feeling of being "owed" something for their efforts--probably because that's how they're thinking of it. He does her a "favor" by pretending to agree with her on something and he expects her to repay the favor by staying with him. Being accomodating isn't nice if it doesn't come from the heart and it has a bunch of strings attached.

You seem genuinely nice jfberge, so please know that I'm not directing this next part at you, but I'd like once again to note that I've known many guys who complain about being rejected for being "too nice" but are in reality sadly mistaken about how they come across to women. They're actually rejected because women think they're jerks.

There's another possibility - they guy builds up a grudge because he does't feel she's willing to go the extra mile for him, while he is (obviously could also happent he other way around). If she says she loves him, stays with him, etc, but does not reciprocate the effort he puts in the relationship then he's likely to feel resentment (if he feels she continues the relationship without meeting him half way).

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Apollyon
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21 Nov 2007, 6:42 am

OFF TOPIC again: shadexiii- LOL!

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21 Nov 2007, 11:19 am

Spot17 wrote:

I don't believe that a person who would be turned off enough by Aspie behavior to not give the Aspie a second chance would actually ever be ok with Aspie behavior. They might pretend at first, but eventually they would either leave or make the Aspie's life a living hell by trying to change them into a normal person.

Heck, even if I'm up front and open about myself, it's still likely that anyone who stays with with me is going to try to change me.

It's kind of academic, really. Regardless of how I think I'm coming across, I'm always pretty odd, so I'm not fooling anybody. Some days I'm just more sociable than others.

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21 Nov 2007, 11:23 am

shadexiii wrote:

Apollyon wrote:

It's a TRAP!

(ok, I'm done derailing this thread. These aren't the droids you're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along. )

What's the deal with the "It's a trap!" stuff? It's cracking me up. I get the reference, I just didn't know it was cherished for its goofiness. I remember seeing a post somewhere else which had Ackbar looking out of a plate of pasta and shouting it.

pbcoll
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21 Nov 2007, 7:04 pm

jfberge wrote:

gwenevyn wrote:

I'd like once again to note that I've known many guys who complain about being rejected for being "too nice" but are in reality sadly mistaken about how they come across to women. They're actually rejected because women think they're jerks.

I'd agree with that. I've known a few guys who have a viewpoint that love is some type of barter. If they do what they think are the "right" things, the girl should recognize that and be devoted to them. When that doesn't happen, they get bitter. No one should think that they're owed anything, particularly love, for being a nice person. Love isn't a fungible item, it's something very individual and invaluable. My ex used to ask why I loved her, as if there should be some list of qualifiers and reasons. She couldn't accept that that I simply did, for no defensible reason.

The same thing happened to me with my ex, it really drove up the wall after a while. That, and 'why do you desire me?'

Spot17
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21 Nov 2007, 10:38 pm

jfberge wrote:

There's asking for a compromise and then there's trying to change you. My ex still thinks that I can learn to be like everyone else if I just try hard enough. It's the reason I divorced him; he thinks everyone can learn to be a "normal" person.

You need to find someone who doesn't just accept you for the way you are, but is ok with it to the point that they don't see anything wrong with it. That's the conclusion I've come to for myself, anyway.

LePetitPrince
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22 Nov 2007, 7:28 am

SapphoWoman wrote:

Sadly, in real life there's 'leagues'. If you refuse the idea of 'leagues' that doesn't mean that it doesn't exist , it's like when idiot creationists refuse the real age of earth .
'Leagues' do exist and in many shapes and forms , you have the uglies vs the pretty , the rich vs the poor. For example, Nicole kidman is out of my league , she's far richer ,more famous , more attractive than myself ...In order to get her I must become famous and rich and maybe attractive ...in other term to reach the 'level of her league'.

Why do you think in real life usually the rich marries the rich and the poor marries the poor? Why the successful men usually get famous beautiful wives? Why do you even think that these stereotypes exist in the first place? Stereotypes are usually born from a common trend or behavior of a specific category of people ...based to observation.
the concept of 'Leagues' does exist.

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22 Nov 2007, 8:24 am

probably stopping thinking that they are out of your league may be a start

Pandora
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22 Nov 2007, 8:46 am

Yes: after all we are all people, are we not?

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JerryHatake
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22 Nov 2007, 10:15 am

Pandora wrote:

Yes: after all we are all people, are we not?

I agree with you on that subject.

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BazzaMcKenzie
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22 Nov 2007, 9:57 pm

LePetitPrince wrote:

SapphoWoman wrote:

I don't believe in "leagues".....

Sadly, in real life there's 'leagues'. ...

Its true, there are "leagues". To get to know someone and fall in love, there is generally a superficial attraction first. Like attracts like. People generally stay in their own "league".

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