Resigned with being alone

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Joined: 10 Jan 2008
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03 May 2008, 8:48 am

Let me ask a question to those who are resigned...if you don't mind me asking. Is it because people are consistently "spooked out" by you or is it because people are actually attracted to you but you don't know how to approach the issue?

frankcritic
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Joined: 24 Apr 2008
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03 May 2008, 12:35 pm

For me, it's mostly because I've come to where I cannot trust anyone. To love someone, you must trust them, even more for an aspie because you're not going to pick up on them and find them out if they are being underhanded.

-Frank

pbcoll
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03 May 2008, 9:05 pm

HurrMark55 wrote:

Well, girls are very rarely attracted to me, but in those rare cases in which there is any attraction, they're not girls I'm interested in. So basically attraction, romantic interest are never mutual. I'm not looking for Ms Perfect (I recently asked out an unremarkable-looking girl that there would have been serious difficulties if she had said yes), but that there is just no chemistry with those rare girls that are attracted to me, and those I'm attracted to are either taken for the long haul or just not interested.

_________________
I am the steppenwolf that never learned to dance. (Sedaka)

El hombre es una bestia famélica, envidiosa e insaciable. (Francisco Tario)

I'm male by the way (yes, I know my avatar is misleading).

northern_light_girl
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Joined: 28 Mar 2008
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06 May 2008, 9:48 am

Hey! It's ok, you won't end up like your friend -YOU TWO ARE DIFFERENT PEOPLE. There is no reason to think like that. Maybe even your friend can find someone, at 50, it't not uncommon, in fact it's even in an ad for eHarmony I think..pretty cute (it's an ad about a grandma- over 65- actually looking for a dog and finding a...man instead, to keep her company:)

Look on the bright side..you've had a 3 month relationship! You can do it..baby steps or however it goes. Next time maybe it will be even better.

I'm no relationship expert..but what I think and what I hear from some girl friends who are single and dating is that the way to a girl's heart is with some confidence and HUMOR (and yes, paying for dinner, movies, drinks is a big plus :lol: ). If you're not relaxed on a date, if you go in anxious and tense, it shows. Go on a date with the sole purpose of having a good time on that date, not thinking about ooooh, how can I get a second date, how can I make a good impression on her etc...no. Make it about YOU. YOU have fun! YOU wonder if the girl is good enough for YOU! If she is entertaining and funny enough for YOU to be interested, not the other way around. And DO NOT talk about your anxieties, worries, past BAD dates, faults etc..be POSITIVE and all smiles :lol:

IMO, it also depends a lot on who you're dating. It's rare to find someone to hit it off with...it really doesn't happen on all dates. So think of these other dates as practice, don't stress! :wink:

D1nk0
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06 May 2008, 11:27 am

northern_light_girl wrote:

). If you're not relaxed on a date, if you go in anxious and tense, it shows. Go on a date with the sole purpose of having a good time on that date, not thinking about ooooh, how can I get a second date, how can I make a good impression on her etc...no. Make it about YOU. YOU have fun! YOU wonder if the girl is good enough for YOU! If she is entertaining and funny enough for YOU to be interested, not the other way around. And DO NOT talk about your anxieties, worries, past BAD dates, faults etc..be POSITIVE and all smiles :lol:

IMO, it also depends a lot on who you're dating. It's rare to find someone to hit it off with...it really doesn't happen on all dates. So think of these other dates as practice, don't stress! :wink:

You're right. But its to be expected that you'll be nervous at first. Its when the date has progressed beyond that first 30 minutes that you can really tell. I dont think faking confidence is such a good thing because if you dont feel relaxed and at ease with a person than you probably arent a good match.

Cyberman
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06 May 2008, 1:13 pm

HurrMark55 wrote:

Resignation is the only reasonable thing to do when all the available evidence says that successful relationships are unreachable. Even most NT's resign eventually... after going through many failed relationships throughout their lives, they come to the conclusion that no one is compatible with them (or that they're incompatible with everyone.) The way I see it, it's better to save yourself the trouble and give up early rather than continually disappointing yourself with a string of doomed relationships.

DanteRF
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Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Age: 38
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06 May 2008, 2:50 pm

You sound like how I am going to be. First date by 27 sounds like a goal for me. You said your dating online, I'm so shy/anti-social that I probally won't be able to do that.

I've made my peace with the likelyhood that I will spend my whole life alone. I am currently 21

Thomas1138
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06 May 2008, 3:56 pm

northern_light_girl wrote:

She must have been pretty confused if she was looking for a dog on eHarmony.

Averick
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07 May 2008, 12:03 pm

I doubt they're spooked of me (looks at avatar and laughs-I'm really an attractive guy I hear), I continually keep a sexual relationship going if I can. It's the reciprocation that kills me mostly in relationships, and somehow eventually people are a let down to me.

vimster
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Joined: 16 Oct 2007
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07 May 2008, 3:37 pm

Arbie wrote:

I have all but resigned myself to the same fate. It is strangely liberating and depressing at the same time. I can think of allot of benefits to solitude, but the benefits of not being alone outweigh them, at least to me at this time. Still as time goes on I see more and more benefits to just giving up, and less and less to trying to be the kind of person that someone might be interested in. I just have so far to go to be a mature and functional "adult" that it seems hopelessly overwhelming to me. If I can just carve out my own little niche in the world that brings me some level of happiness, then that will be enough, be it with or without someone else. I don't think that is an unreasonable goal to shoot for, anything beyond that would just be gravy.

Depressing as this is I have to agree. Some may call it defeat but the more women I meet or speak to, the more women I see on dating sites or at work, the less I feel I'd be attractive to them. That's not to say I'm not attractive, just not so in the normal sense.

The idea of my little place full of geeky tat, doing my thing, existing on my own wel lpast middle-age, it somehow appeals in a bitter-sweet way. By then I'm sure I'd have been on my own that long that any woman would be a hinderence more than anything else, despite any efforts on my part to invorporate them into my life.

I haven't quite given up but just lately all my efforts have come to nothing, which leads me to contemplate that little bolt-hole for my middle-age much more than I normally would.

pbcoll
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07 May 2008, 3:41 pm

northern_light_girl wrote:

I'm no relationship expert..but what I think and what I hear from some girl friends who are single and dating is that the way to a girl's heart is with some confidence and HUMOR (and yes, paying for dinner, movies, drinks is a big plus :lol:

Well, that assumes you can get a first date to begin with.
For me the thing with humour is that like a couple of years ago I shut down emotionally (in the space of about a year, the following happened: a death in the family, serious conflict with a close relative I really looked up to, my gf, with whom I'd been madly in love with, breaking up with me, my best friend cut off all contact for no reason whatsoever, I quit the degree I was doing because I coudln't stand it, i was homesick, etc) - while I am no longer emotionally shut down, my sense of humour largely went for good. I still find things funny, but what i can't do is just telling jokes spontaneously with someone I'm not already very close to. I simply cannot go into 'silly mode' - that ability is just gone.

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