coming to terms with being alone

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NEVER! Someday... Someday...


Or not.

WHY SO SERIOUS?


Ah, but it is. An Aspie most make the most out of his special interest, because it is his main strength.

You sure about that. My interest is mathematics and physics and most of the time when I'm talking I have very broad range of things to talk about and I feel really comfortable with it.

In high school?

Most people do not put that much thought into their actions, and as a girl I was never ever pulled aside and said "be sure to reject that guy, he will never be viable romantically". No one ever told me to steer clear of any guy who hadn't had a relationship. And how would those girls have known all that about you?

Also don't forget you have power over your own life and do not have to accept other people's views of your past, present or future. They were not prophetesses. Just probably slightly shallow. But there are millions of reasons why people get rejected, including things that have nothing to do with that person at all.

Having a mate, let alone obtaining one, is extremely complicated. The human body with all of it's chemicals and desires and demands is also complicated. I don't believe a single answer could possibly satisfy anyone's need to allow them to come to terms 100% with it for the rest of their lives.

For me, it's not something I even want to think about. It just arouses depressing feelings I don't need or want. Yet I'm drawn to it, the stupid crap.

I like to rationalize it, I suppose:

You can't make anyone like or love you.
You don't deserve anyone, they are not things owed you.
You can't change anyone, trying to will likely backfire anyway.
Change is the only guarantee in life.

People change all the time, their thoughts and feelings are not static. I know this personally, because my feelings and thoughts are constantly changing and because I've witnessed through my years people I've known all my life completely change. There is no guarantee that the person you love now will be that same person in years to come. There is no guarantee that the person who loves you now will see you as the same person they fell in love with years from now.

I look at the divorce rate, and at my parents marriages and at those people's marriages I have known, and every single one of them has had a cheating partner and/or wound up in divorce and/or died a happy(glad they are single again) widow/er. Most married people tell me not to get married. It's usually the singles or those looking to be single soon(Because they're not happy with their current beau) that wonder why I don't: have a girlfriend or want to get married.

I also look at my past relationships. Which didn't seem worth the effort for the heartache and pain involved and quickly got me off the silly notion that love was something grand and eternal. Something I noticed was that after a few months of general happiness, the old feelings of loneliness and depression started to creep back in.

Yeah, well anyways, I see having a mate as a big risk I'd rather not take.

Yep, personally I'd rather stick to playing the lottery...I think my odds are better.

Again, boring. What are you so afraid of? Huh? I really don't see myself being alone. It's dull, just plain dull.

I hate being alone, it gets me depressed and I hate myself for it everyday. Recent troubles in my life are causing me to loose my grip on the world itself. At least my friends are there to support me, offering me advice. I've been alone for 14 years that's enough for me to question myself and question my own lifestyle that I have bought upon myself. Being alone is painful.

Afraid of nothing..."been there...done that" many times over the years, can't recall one time that it was worth the aggravation. Dull? Life is dull only if you make it that way.