Trying to break bad internal habits

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At this point I have already invested too much to turn back. I've changed too much to live my former life. It does seem like a waste of time but I'm already involved and have agreed to see this through. There are days when I want to flee and forget everything but then it just doesn't set right.
Even though it may be the easiest and more logical thing to do, I just can't do it. There is something that needs to be rectified here and it's the only thing in my life that I have wanted to see to the finish. I want to resolve this dilemma. What is it that makes people cut themselves off from the rest of the world? The most interesting people to me are the ones I can't figure out and I'm cursed with curiosity.

You said that you've changed and are in the process of some sort of paradigm shift. Now you want a relationship but the type of partner you want is out of your league? I wonder if you have created a fantasy of women and relationships. If so, then that would interfere with your reality and could cause confusion and chronic dissatisfaction. I'll stop writing for a while and let others respond.

If you have committed yourself to that and feel that you can see it though, by all means do so. There is a good chance that you are probably his best hope that he'll find in his lifetime and it would be one of the most profound and meaningful things that anyone had ever done for him.



In the big picture, that may be possible but if I have made up a fantasy its a pretty grounded and convincing one in a lot of ways. My biggest problem is finding someone who both has the psychological qualities I'd want and who I'm attracted to; neither of those two things seem impossibly rare and often I think its my personality needs that are the more restricting factor. What it has come down to is a case of 'I know it when I see it', and I have met at least a dozen women in the past 8 or 9 years who've been both, but its always been in passing and at times and ways that there was too much red tape; luck in that regard has played as a very consistent and discouraging factor because it was almost always at a time and place where my nature and her nature (being more reserved and needing time to get to know someone) caused it to bounce. I've never really seen evidence that my radar for these things was an illusion, if anything when I have met girls like this who were taken and I got to know them, I find out rather quickly that I would have been quite right if the circumstances were different.

Ok, between last night and today some things have happened and its pretty obvious; I've known the real reason, ended up forgetting somewhere between the answer just being too hopeless and my friends and people around me disconfirming it and my really wanting to go along with their refusal to believe me on it.

Autism/AS/PDD-NOS is a mix of variables, sometimes its hypersensitivity, sometimes its being a little professor or being wired like a computer, sometimes its effects that are really more like a neurological palsy. For me, having PDD-NOS is 80-90% palsy (with regard to nonverbals, muscles numb out, my sense of consciousness gets too thin, I have social knowledge and understanding but feel like parts of my brain are falling asleep or caving in) and the parts that aren't sheerly physical are the psychological adaptions that result from the ricochet I have from all the ways people read, misinterpret, or decide to take advantage of what they're seeing. I don't think I want to get into the emotional adjectification of it but I'll call it like it is, its a really bitter pill to swallow, knowing my situation literally can't be corrected. Even there though, I have a hard time getting peace - primarily because my nature doesn't agree with quitting on things like this but even more because anytime I thought this way in the past I've always been allowed just enough wiggle-room in terms of self control to end up right back on the self-improvement path, get shut down when I realize that my nervous system is going to have its way with things, and that's where I am today; realizing that there's practically nothing I can do aside from just bite the bullet, admit to the reality of the situation, and find an alternate course or alternate objectives all together.

I think that about wraps this up. I'd love to start a thread one of these days for positive peer support on this stuff (I mean *real* support and hardened optimism rather than "permanent geek losers - sign your name to the list"; company in misery's a terrible way to go about things IMO). My biggest challenge right now is to look myself down internally and find out in what ways I can adapt to hopefully put my attitude out in front of the unchangeable aspects of this as best I can. If I can find a way to reshape my sense of the world that can keep me happy out here (ie. controlling or redirecting motivation/emotion rather than denying reality) I'll do it and more than gladly try to give some pointers to anyone who's stuck in this mess and feels like they have too much dignity to close out the remainder of their lives sulking.

Hello Hello

I am ready to post once again.

But first a bit of my current life:

Insomnia is at an all time high, sleep is like a foreign friend. I picked up smoking for a bit just to experiment with the effects. I stopped now due to my throats scratchy nasty feeling (similar to strep I'd assume (never had strep before) I remembered an article i once read about nicotines effect on insomnia so i quit the experiment. Sadly still no change, but my dreams are at an all time high. Interestingly enough so far two have been wet dreams one more lucid than the latter. Last night was an all time awesome, literally simulated sex to the T and also got me off 100%. Now why would i mention this? Stay tuned and you shall see...

In other news still jobless, ahh the semi starving artist lifestyle has become a nice addition to my life. I met a new friend through my usual manor (random encounter, usually them talking first) he is certainly a trip. The best way to explain his personality is Dazed and Confused. In that movie there is a nerdy guy, the Jewish one with curly hair. He also was/is? the star of NUMBERS and also played the computer genius on Joss Wedens Firefly/Serenity. His character in dazed and confused is certainly a match, but he is not that character (sometimes people forget that actors are portraying characters from a script and not actually really the persona attached)

My new friends name is Mark. He is an interesting fellow with many interesting characteristics. One of his best ones ... he listens to me on the same wave length and does not get lost. More on that later.

I am still single, sadly. Btu alas I am growing more and more sexually active; an interesting twist. My sex drive is through the roof. I am not actually having sex and certainly am not masturbating due to personal belief (if you want to be better, literally be better) yet my drive certainly is growing. I have not changed my diet nor my activities, the only thing that has really changed is less canibis sativa and more water. I am beginning to work out again which should only further the drive. I suppose another major change is the break up but eve that is far from my mind as much as possible...

I have officially moved into my new place and am currently still broke and using the schools computer. I have no bed and no furniture. I have no TV and no Radio. I do have food, mostly cheap things like Ramin, Peanut Butter, and Bread. Eggs, Butter, and Cheese also.

And finally the latest thing in my life. Last night I found out the girl we will call her Lana, who is friends with my new neighbors (BenKat) broke up with her boyfriend. She was completely hammered and interesting. I personally find drunk people fascinating but her I found intoxicating. Let it be known that I had wished for her to break up in my head the first night I met her. I had literally in my mind thought she was the perfect mate for me, in the sense her confidence was powerful, her words were fluid, her intelligence shined, and her boyfriend sounded awfully familiar (as in he and I are similar personalities). Now obviously knowing social skills I kept this mum but in my head I thought it. This was my second night in the new house and first night meeting BenKat. She was the one who told me to delete my Exes number and also gave me the advice to not allow her to send me certain paraphernalia in the mail. Keep in mind at this time as far as I know she also was not in the same complex(she just moved in) and also she was madly in love with her (ex)boyfriend. However that night leaving their company i certainly thought to myself yet another lesson in patience and if it is it is...

and now back to the OP:

Dreams, how do you dream? Do you dream? And if so are the lucid?

Now sense you have six years on me you will have to forgive me if my insight is not as accurate or helpful as Magus she is after all thirty three and obviously i am twenty two.

I have been spending more and more time annalizing myself as I am sure you can relate however I am currently at an end. right now I am more interested in finding my path than anything else however I have possibly a few insights that may or may not help you in your endevour. First and foremost AS is an evolution not a disorder/syndrome. Using the Psychological terms is only a way of hindering your own true abilities as a man. A Man is a hard thing to come by these days, yet you seem to be on the right track.

My adoptive grandfather was a great man. Stubborn and loyal to his God. His God was that of the Christians. He read his daily scriptures and he went to church every Sunday. Next to his mother God always came first. Yet my adoptive Grandmother was also a great part of his life. My adoptive Grandmother is still to this day the core of my belief system and morality. She is also a woman of her time and true to the same God. But more so her wisdom is also of her time. She does not use computers nor does she use cell phones her TV is only on once a night for jeopardy and wheel of fortune. She can not longer handle the violence and smut filling the TV and thus the reason she only keeps it on for her two favorite shows. She instead reads and does puzzles. This is the women I wish to marry, one who chooses to understand the value of house and home, the kindness and love of family, and the power of standing behind her man no matter how much it hurts seeing him put her mother in law first before his own wife.

Does this sound familiar? Do you see yourself with this type of woman? Or are you into a different type of personality...

Here is the problem... times change ... people change ... but also they evolve. I will repeat they evolve. The Mormons are a fascinating cult. Recently i have found myself seeking knowledge from their court. Why? Because unfortunately they have sunk their dirty little claws into one of my own, a fellow AS nation elite and close friend of mine Tesson. Unlike me Tesson was born without : Religion, Sunday Church, and highly religious morality driven grandparents.

Tesson instead was born with divorced parents who had split mentalities. Two individuals who certainly never should have been together. Yet then again maybe they should have? And who am I to judge let alone say? Fate is an underrated notion. Life to me is fate. We are forced to make a choice, a choice to grow or to fall. Most people these days fall. Which brings me to my next point... you are attempting to once again pair bond (Credit: Mystery aka Eric von B).

Have you ever considered that you might instead be meant for more? Meant for not multiple wives but multiple off spring? The time of the wife seems to be slipping and although the notion of a perfect match seems powerful and "meant to be" so did God and Christ at one point in time...

I have a new idea forming in my head one of disassociation and also evolution. The problem is I am not in direct contact with enough AS people to know if it is another radical idea. Initially i believed our child like mentalities to be a direct form of "child of god" but soon i became adrift in this idealism because I was seeking enlightenment from the wrong people...

Now I have realized that it is our constant struggle to find a place in the "norm" that is our powerful connection the the spiritual world. The average person uses how much of their brain? The rest is grey matter. Well in addition to that there is also another factor ... energy can be neither created nor destroyed. Now I do not know about you but when i was focusing and forcing myself to learn social skills i was also consuming an awful lot of energy. And I also do not know about you but i noticed in my "depression" phases I also was consuming an awful lot of energy. But alas where was that energy going?

Here is my personal goal: To overcome and evolve to the next step in AS.

How so? By doing exactly what you have been doing but expanding on the same ideas.

I have learned social skills also. However there was a side effect. I am now a borderline sociopath. Do you know the scene in fight club? The one on the subway when they first begin the club? Where Ed Norton's character mentions how he feels like nothing else bothered him anymore? Well that is the emotional barrier. That is AS. You see while the world finds itself worried over things such as time, or money, I find myself realizing even if s**t hits the fan I will be the guy who survives. I know how. I have done it before. While most are depending more and more on technologies, I am using them less and less. I know them all to well. I learned a long time ago the side effect of losing myself in the other worlds. See although relaxation is nice, social atmospheres are nice, addiction is nice, ignorance is bliss... we are cursed in our logical minds.

However there is another part. The part of Nature. Nature speaks. Have you ever tried to hear it? Listen to life as it flows? hat awfully familiar "disassociation" "they" love to tell you about?

That is not what it is ... what that is is AS in it's truest form. When we are comfortable our genius thrives. The easiest example is our Autistic counter parts. Raymond's my favorite example. He is not real but savants are. I have met a few in my life but more interestingly i have met people who did not know they were. My best friend is one. He may very well have AS and not even know it. He and I are connected on a very deep level. Btu he can tell you EVERYTHING about sports stats there is to know. How? Why? It is his passion. But more so he believes he has photographic memory. Here is the problem ... I was told by a "NT" guy who was working on his masters in Cognitive research and development over at ASU that photographic memories did not exist. He also told me it was impossible that I was a savant. He also claimed that most AS people were less intelligent than the "NT" world. Do you believe him?

I certainly do not. The problem with society especially the current education system is it is linear and also very biased. I used to get reprimanded for thinking outside the box and received a C in my English class even though the teacher openly told the entire class I was writing A quality work.

There is so much more to add but I am still only on the first leg of my journey. I just add this advice to you my friend, keep on keeping on, and write down your research so that one day we can all come together and destroy the chains that bind us currently...

I certainly never let anyone tell me what was wrong with me and do not plan to start now. Just because I think differently does not mean I am different. I am if anything better than the rest for the soul reason i make a conscious effort every day to do the morally correct thing and in addition never use my As as a cripple or an excuse for my actions... I am who I am and I am always growing!

"hope all is well with the mass majority; here i rest, the lone minority." -Mack Rellenst

-Zane

Zane; I still don't have the best notion of your spiritual beliefs. I wouldn't challenge you on your opinions though, you have every right to them and like anyone else you've had your own developmental experience, your own shaping, your own set of circumstances that have lead you and yes, I can tell your a thinking guy which I give you props for.

The one thing I'm scratching my head on a little bit is the self-stimulation bit. From everything I've come to know about it, for the most part, it only seems like people feel dirty about it when they themselves have a dirty outlook on it or can't recontextualize it into being normal and it not saying anything good or bad about them. As far as your drive, I don't know enough to know if you need it; just that if you do feel like you've got more emotional circuits hissing and popping in your brain in a negative way than when you do, in that case you may want to rethink it a little.

On the idea that autism and Asperger's are evolution though; in my own experience and life I have a hard time with that notion. Its not that I'd bash us as significantly less and true, the society we grow up in sets the norms and our biggest 'disability' is that our neurological dead spots and non-pathways seem to eclipse a lot of things that are straight away demanded of us.

I'll still say of myself though; my inability to bring my nervous system up to par for the type of world that I know I need to deal with will always drive me crazy and I tend to rather firmly believe that if I can't accomplish something myself I quite literally don't deserve to have it. God may or may not intercede but its funny, for me I've seen far more of the best opportunities whisked away by either meeting a friend of a friend at a party but my friends giving her a cold vibe or being in classes where I met a girl who had my exact same nature but due to her own intensity (and my lack of shielding) or just mutual self-consciousness it always fell apart. Some times when that happens its been in such a way where it was blatantly symbollic, like the impossible meeting the impossible (yes, I do have a story for that as well) and its one of those things where if it happened once or twice I wouldn't think anything of it but now its like a higher power is really trying to regulate my independent streak.

I don't know. I will say life is funny and that yes, I could right now have a very hard time imagining my life significantly changing for the better in the next 50 or 60 years (to the dirt really) but all of a sudden something could happen next month that completely shatters that. I guess like a lot of my friends, I really do hate that about life; if we really are slaves to serendipity like that I find it sickening, not to say that I don't love God since I do love everything good in the world (feel its a wade-pool otherwise) but have to admit that the plan still gives me the nasty-chills all over in the same way as that forced biological current of emotional innocence always did; I just wish God would give me the capacity to roll in the mud a bit and be a bit more authoritative with my own mind, my own body, and yes, my own life. Its not that I want to go out and do stupid things for the sake of it but more like I feel that there are so many biological aspects of my core chemical balance that keep me from being what I'd personally view - not from society but from my own heart - to be a real man, as I wish myself to be; that's something that I think I'll be dealing with for many years to come.

That's interesting that you said you are 80%-90% palsy during social interaction. Is this only with females you are attracted to?

Please stay optimistic. As soon as you retire all hope for improvement, you commit social suicide. Aspies are late bloomers.
Kim Peek, the man who inspired the rainman character, was considered severely ret*d up until his teen years. He is an amazing genius now with a good sense of humor and an incredible memory.

I agree with Zane that we all have this superhero within us. I refer to this inner strength as God. We are taught that this is blasphemy but it's been taught to us to control us. Imagine if everyone saw himself/herself as God. Every thought and action would be more carefully chosen and the world would be a better place for the individual spirit.

Besides, what's wrong with palsy people? It's what is in your heart that really matters. Intelligence is great, but the desire for knowledge is just as good. What people will know us for is how we treat them. That is all that matters.

Zane, what is the deal with your aversion to masturbation? Have you figured out how to do it in your head yet?
Congrats on the wet dream, it's better than real sex sometimes, most of the time...
Our minds are limitless.

It seems to have nothing to do with who I'm talking to or what's going on. Its more or less something that's low-level, tends to stay with me all day, its not noticeable as such but its something that more or less wrenches my ability to function a bit internally and yes, trickles out to giving off a vibe of sorts which is far from helpful. The funny thing is I really don't seem to have any particular problems at all with women I'm interested in, my biggest problem seems to be the fact that they're at least a year or two apart and between each time I have a lot of bad experiences with general dissonance (which just lends itself to being more of an attack on confidence than anything).



I think that's something that people do need to look at when at all possible. While I do appreciate a lot of your insight here I know we do have a lot of differences on politics and religion; I don't see God as a dominant or scary figure, I do see absolute truth as something more or less like a baseline of a framework that I have to work within and part of it is built off of life experience - what seems to happen over and over, what seems to break, what seems absolute, anymore though it truthfully has gotten to be a mess just do to all the inherent inconsistency and its why I feel like I can find myself following up on all kinds of tangents, thinking I have some new insight that will make the same ideas that didn't work two years ago work now; but, in the end I just end up realizing - I have no idea, no clue what I really can expect from people.



That's a very definite core truth but its one that I think comes before human nature is factored in (and its heavily reliant on other people's ethics, their ability to turn away from self-delusion, and a lot of things that don't go with the Zeitgeist or societal ethic of today). Going back to explaining myself on this; I don't come off as overtly weird, I can scare the hell out of more callow people who are still stuck in that highschool emotive-thought framework of reality (the operative work being can, not always). When I look at women my age it seems like they have grown up, are over a lot of that, however I look at myself like this; yes I have a good job, yes I got a degree, on the otherside I'm living with a roommate, partying, right now my hobbies (like producing) are on hiatus, and I don't feel like I'm doing anything that really sells me; I'd like to change that but I'm really tired right now in general and do feel like I'm starting to fade.

An unfortunate side effect of being a guy is that, like women, we aren't in control of who we're attracted to. Then again, we tend to agree on who's attractive to us. I, as a person, may be worth a lot in terms of who I am inwardly but - so are plenty of NT guys. A reasonably attractive girl who has her head together is someone who has a lot to choose from, and while I don't see myself as a bad bill of goods I can't imagine why - when there are plenty of guys out there with all my qualifications just not AS - what would possess her to go for a guy with a disability. The relationship world is self-interest driven, and yes I understand that some women want guys who they can feel they have something extra to offer to; if someone has an interest in me who is all of the things I just mentioned, I wouldn't turn it down, but at the same time its really difficult convincing myself to take initiative in doing much more than just basic conversing with people and from everything my luck has showed me - I would have to take the reigns, play the attraction games (though I have no idea how, macho quiet never brought anything, being talkative and trying to show an A-type personality didn't help, being myself does nothing, I'm spinning in limbo there), and that's the trouble - nothing comes to me on its own, I quite literally don't catch breaks - they happen for some other guys, they don't happen for me, and I feel its very important for me to face up to that fact and deal with it as best I know how; expect nothing and still do everything I can to better myself in life - primarily to, yes, be more attractive but also if that doesn't work I'll at least have the fallback of feeling like I'm living a better quality variant of singlehood than if I didn't take these actions.

As for wallowing in gloom though your right, I absolutely refuse to. However, I had realized even in my early 20's that rapant hope and feeling wishful, feeling like something's just around the corner; its about the most emotionally desctructive and unbalancing path I can take when my situation is so consistent and clear. At this point I'd much rather expect nothing that doesn't come without my succeeding as an NT guy, on natural law's terms, and while I don't think that we with Asperger's are what the Nazi Germans would have called Lebens unwertes Leben or 'life unworthy of life' I have noticed that this is what our innate natural tendencies are in the eyes of nature and the intrinsic animalistic side of things that drives attraction. I'm not saying I'm doomed to failure, its hard for me to imagine myself falling through the cracks till I'm buried, but when I think of finding that one girl who's compassionate, would like a guy like me, but also would have the sorts of personality traits I gel with AND be in a situation that doesn't self destruct from outside forces before we can both get to it - I'd rather assume that sort of situation doesn't exist, will not exist for me, and that I will have to learn to play the game as an NT, like an NT, abide by NT rules, and most likely run the risk of getting torn down like an NT, and freeing myself up to jump that gap and yes - date and be successful with what's available, women who wouldn't understand AS, I'd most likely have to play by the book like anyone else; or at least try to figure out if I have any new routes to getting there until I'm exhausted enough to just go back to a life of not caring, resting up a while, and then start the whole cycle over again unless I'm really able to squash the existential depression that I get from doing nothing.

This thread is interesting because in my youth I generated massive amounts of such data in an attempt to program myself the rules. At some point I realized that the rules changed faster than I could store them, so I stopped and did a SYSTEM RESET.

I didn't delete the rules, I just declared them a total logjam, and obsolete. The SYSTEM RESET restored my original natural expectations of a relationship with a woman, and restored all the good things I liked about myself that people laughed at.

That cleared things up for me. It did not help me find a GF though. It only made it clear that I haven't yet found what I'm looking for. Not that my expectations are unreasonable, certainly not, because they are very simple. If they are unreasonable, then myself and women have nothing to offer each other. Even if I was only interested in sex, sex is not worth all the self-programming effort. I'd rather just FORGET about sex and have women as just-friends to walk, talk, travel, play, and cuddle (a lot) with.

(Hypothetically, because I'm not currently seeking.)

Very smart move. I still have too much emotional leverage prying down on me. I also still have a clarity addiction in almost all aspects of life, I'm guessing that worked best for you once (assuming you likely had a degree of that yourself) your motivations to that end we're satisfied well enough to where they were able to let go of you and let you simply be.

One more good move I think I can add to the list - martial arts. For some odd reason earlier in my life, maybe my priorities weren't there, but I could try it, do alright with it, and my motivation just wouldn't stick. I'm at least in something right now quite a bit less sterile than Tae Kwon Do; think its a mix of Kahli, Wing Chung, and a lot of focus as well on grappling, joint locks, etc.. Unless something rather unforeseen comes into play I'll be sticking with this just like the weights; its where my head's at these days and I have a feeling that my music production will be staying on holiday for a while. All my life I've never really *known* how to fight so yeah, this is a big deal to me.

How long can a person cry over spilled milk? Logic can be ruthless. Emotions are annoying but take it to the limit and desire a hidden knowledge.

They really can't, when it goes that deep to the core spilled milk is probably too lenient an analogy. Its a bit like being given a tremendous gift and being forced to hide it from the world until it atrophies into nothingness along with the worldly body it was encased in.

I guess what I'm saying is that this that struggle is a lot bigger than just finding someone - it hits everything across known existence itself. I still see it more as a blessing than a curse, though it can get to be a burden when your life's stuck on autopilot for any stretch of time (and again I don't just mean against AS, really the whole of self-actualization, giving something back to the world and touching as many lives as I can, etc.). That particular drive probably has my sex drive by three-fold and by no means is that a lack of the later.

It doesn't seem like a blessing to me. It seems like you are on an auto pilot for sure though.

To Magus: Sort of. The wet dream was mentioned because i am beginning to realize the power of our minds. As in how powerful my dreams and mental imagination is. More and more my dreams are activating and it seems as if I am beginning to realize their direct connection to my real life. As if the two worlds are merging. In this sense the sexual pleasure has intensified and in fact the last one surely felt and looked real until i awoke and realized it was in fact a very effective dream.

To OP: Thank you for the compliment on my thought process. I am still working on some ides but a lot of my personal accomplishments of late have been directly connected to the letting go of all fear and just trying something new. Such as last night i hopped a wall, not a small wall in fact a fairly large wall. And with no effort at all. I messed up the first time because of self doubt but the second time it was successful.

Also on the subject of Martial arts. I have trained in a few but never been able to dedicate full attention to them either. However every time i was in a sparring match I would end up impressing my senpai and sensei with extraordinary fighting abilities beyond his teaching. E.G. In Karate my senpai used Judo to try and one up me and I actually beat him at his own game even though i was never trained in any Judo. I merely trusted my instincts. In the same regard the minute I let go of the worry of hurting some one my boxing match became very one sided and as all of my friend love to remember I kicked the other guys ass... it seems as if naturally i have some fighting ability... is it the same for you?

-zane

I have to admit, I'm not sure what you meant by this just because it could be taken so many ways. I'll wait for your response though.

I'm not inherently a fighter. I think part of it is the fact that my parents raised me more as a thinker and through most of my childhood - I just didn't get that side of the human condition. I can however learn things very well if I can understand the nuts and bolts mechanics, usually build a sense of intuition off of that, but still I tend to be more the type who learns intuition rather than innately having it.

I think that learning style is a large part of what I see in myself regarding this thread. Like with people, society, government, religion, I have a certain natural place of emotional default (mainly a spiritual lean) but part of what all this revolves around is that my confidence tends to build off of knowing my terrain whereas if I'm going into an unknown I feel like I'm at the mercy of elements that I don't understand and that much almost always ends up if not in disaster at least showing that my apprehensions about going that route are legitimate.