A revelation I had about online dating...

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Joined: 9 Jan 2007
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17 Dec 2008, 7:48 am

If I can't find anyone fine enough in RL (who matches personalities anyway,) I'll have to go online.

I have a feeling I'll try to break a world record for the # of dating sites signed up (but will cease the attempt when I find the love of my life.)

Tias
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17 Dec 2008, 9:13 am

anna-banana wrote:

from what I've observed about dating sites in Sweden and in the UK- most people on there are pretty attractive, pretty busy and only interested in easily obtainable sex. it's not a place to find a partner, it is a place to get laid.

don't know about the States though.

Isn't that what most dating sites are about?
then again i havn't tried them, but i constantly see those annoying dating add banners advertising with their junk about ideal partner and or stuff like what you said

ToadOfSteel
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17 Dec 2008, 11:27 am

anna-banana wrote:

Social_Fantom wrote:

^ It's the same way here. Actually here the internet is not just a place to get laid, but also an STD.

Unfortunately, I'm looking for a life partner, not a f**k buddy...

Morgana
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17 Dec 2008, 3:43 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

The paragraph is what I was talking about mostly. I don't want to read "I like this" and "I don't want my man to do that". I want to meet my woman, talk to her directly, even if it's just back and forth posts on a forum thread. I would rather have the subject not be about the possibility of establishing a relationship, since there's no way in hell I can make a determination about that immediately after meeting someone. By talking about other areas of personality, I can learn what she's like, and therefore more easily make such a determination.

I agree with you totally! This is my problem both with online dating, as well as real life...I just don´t know any men who want to take the time to develop a friendship first. Why aren´t there more people like us in the world?

Another thing that bugs me about dating websites is the whole idea about profiles. They seem so superficial and silly, and like an advertisement for a relationship; I don´t know, there´s something that just seems off-putting about it. And so much lying! And...I don´t know...how do I describe myself in a few paragraphs? And how do I know what I´m "looking for"? I´d rather just fall in love.

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Haliphron
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17 Dec 2008, 4:59 pm

Legato wrote:

Word.

Online dating seems to be more about finding a sex partner to have fun with than anything meaningful.

The (late)90s called, they want you back....

Haliphron
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17 Dec 2008, 5:03 pm

ToadOfSteel wrote:

I'm on the record as being a very staunch opponent of the very concept of online dating sites. I've said many times that I can't trust the Internet to bring me love.

However, many times I've had the feeling that I would have wanted to get to know some women I know online a bit better (many of the women here that I've talked to before, for instance), which doesn't make sense with what I've said above.

While I'm still distrusting of online dating sites, I've come to the realization that it's not necessarily the fact that it's web-based that makes me distrust them. The online dating sites and forums such as this are just internet analogues for bars/clubs and real life, respectively. In both an online dating site, as well as going to a bar, I wouldn't know a woman before being thrust into some uncomfortable (and undoubtedly awkward) situation, while the women I've gotten to know here are more like the women I've gotten to know in real life, in that I see more in them than I would in some stranger that I pass by during the day...

Before online dating came around I used (printed)personals. The whole point of personals and online dating and the.net in general is that it allows you to meet and talk with people who are beyond your social skills and/or you wouldnt run into IRL. There is a world of difference as far as social protocol goes when it comes to onling dating and the offline bar/club scene! People, including Women, are MUCH bolder than IRL and are more willing to make 1st contact. Women IRL who approach strange men in bars and clubs are usually just looking to flirt.

ToadOfSteel
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17 Dec 2008, 5:12 pm

Haliphron wrote:

The whole point of my OP was that I originally dismissed the idea of meeting a woman online out of hand, but recently reconsidered because of reasons stated. I don't want to meet women in either a dating site (specifically created for that purpose), nor would I want to meet a woman in a bar or club. What I would want is to meet a woman in a completely unrelated area...

IRL places would be the few women I would see in classes at school, the occasional woman near my age that shows up at church, women I meet doing musical theater with, women involved in charitable organizations or activities with me, etc etc. Online, I'd be much more open to talking to a woman that I got to know from somewhere that wasn't a dating site... even forums like this one would apply for possible locations that I could meet a woman...

The point goes back to a more base topic that seems to be impossible for the NT world to comprehend: I want to know the woman before I date her. Is that too much to ask or something?

Kirska
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17 Dec 2008, 5:18 pm

I met my husband on the internet.

Every now and then it does work; we are living proof

Also, I know of 2 other married couples that met online, and they met on the cliche dating sites.

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mystyc
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19 Dec 2008, 5:14 am

patternist wrote:

mystyc wrote:

MissConstrue wrote:

^I hope you're kidding about that last part...

not a joke

That sucks.
I think you're really cool. ("Cool" means "interesting" and "having much to contribute")
For what it's worth. :shrug:

(No, I mean it)
Not that that would keep you from your plans.
Not that you desire to be cool, in my eyes.
But, it was worth saying.

That does not suck. Living sucks.

Blah, I am just a string of text behind a few still photographs. There is nothing to know of me that is "cool" or not. Statements like that from strangers across the veil of the internet merely acts to reaffirm the cheapness and emptiness of such platitudes in general. True sentiments are expressed through actions, not empty platitudes, and the actions I have seen reveal disregard for me, the desire to use me, and the complete lack of being wanted. Those who fear my upcoming death merely do so out of the selfish desire to "keep me around", or a desire to be insulated from death. It is just the same old, same old.

mystyc
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19 Dec 2008, 5:30 am

ephemerella wrote:

patternist wrote:

mystyc wrote:

MissConstrue wrote:

^I hope you're kidding about that last part...

not a joke

That sucks.
I think you're really cool. ("Cool" means "interesting" and "having much to contribute")
For what it's worth....

Not a joke? Why would you be suicidal?

Because I am a prisoner of my own mind. I have tried to escape, but all I can really do is watch the world go by in its glorious freedom, from the caged window of my cell. There is no way out for me in this prison. All I can hope to do is to destroy the prison.

ephemerella wrote:

I think you are attractive. There is something very appealing about your picture.

Empty words. When prompted by my suicidal ideations, you try to say something "positive", but in absence of that, I am left to be ignored. Thanks, but no thanks. All that that says is my corpse will look good.
I can't imagine how many people have seen my photos online. So few comment that I am clear where I stand.

ephemerella wrote:

You're a physics grad student, right? Stick it out, finish, and then try to have a life after for a while.

That makes no sense. Are you to suggest I am too incompetent to have a life, and go to school? Well it is true, though I doubt that is what you wanted to say. Grad school is not keeping me from living; Asperger's Syndrome is.

ephemerella wrote:

IMO the whole sexual culture of college is really unhealthy in Math, Eng & Physical Sciences. At least it is for women -- you're under siege all the time from corrupt, cynically using-students-for-sex professors and then there are the female practiced whores who make it through the system by working smart guys for sex-for-favors. The only sexually undamaged women (who are attractive) who graduate with post-baccalaureate degrees are the ones who go to Ivy Leagues. I can't imagine what it is like to be gay in Math, Eng or Physical Science grad school.

Where are you getting all this? It makes no sense.
How can you be so demeaning to women?
I can't imagine what it is like to be gay in math, eng, or physical science grad school either. I Don't know how normal people live.

But you want to know what I see? I don't simply see my peers date and have a life, I see them get married, and find long-term relationships, gay or straight. They can live, I cannot.

ephemerella wrote:

Wait... finish your degree(s) and then take some time for yourself in a better environment.

I have been to many places. No matter where I go, I will always be a social ret*d.

mystyc
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19 Dec 2008, 5:45 am

LePetitPrince wrote:

mystyc wrote:

Someone I know from college married a girl he met on a dating site. I think it was okCupid. They started dating just before we graduated, and got married at some point, and are still together. A few years ago, they bought their own condo in boston (expensive!).

My own experience has been the complete opposite. On the gay sites, the only responses I get, are from creepy old closeted brokeback gay people. I have been on so many sites, that I cannot name them all. Sometimes I will think I found a new site, only to discover I already have an account there. No one that I have sent a stupid "wink" or "flirt" or "whatever" to, has ever responded. I have gone through enough sites that I see the same faces and pictures over and over again. So I must have run already alienated the entire local gay online dating pool.

I have a good memory for certain types of information, but I am very bad about remembering where I got that information. So I have actually run into some of these people in real life, recognized them as "familiar", but not realizing that it was because I saw them online. Initially I went up to them and asked, "do I know you?", not realizing at that time that that was a common cheezy pick up line. They were not much different than other gay strangers I have encountered. Just completely dismissive of me and ignore me. I determined that one factor to this is that where ever I was, I was usually alone. In some crowds like bars or parities, individuals do not interact with other individuals, rather, groups interact with other groups. It is part of some strange social dynamic that I do not quite understand. Perhaps it is the merging dynamic between the invading group and the targeted group which disrupts the social bonds in the targeted group, at the cost of a similar disruption in the invading group, thus allowing for the opportunity for complete group merger, new forms of balkanization, or specifically the opportunity for an individual from the invading group to interact with his mark in the targeted group.

For whatever reason, it works for NT's, and they seem to implicitly understand and use this technique, whereas my social ret*d self must analyze the situation and explicitly develop a model of understanding the situation which ultimately fails in any effort at practical implementation due my natural aspie inability to improvise.

But still, they don't have to be such bastards because I am alone. But it appears you need to have friends to make friends (a realization that includes other theories and experiences). Some of you aspies are lucky that you have some friends. Use them and engage the set of friends that is the compliment of the intersection between your set of friends, and the set of friends of your friends. Networking is what truly divides the really socially successful from the socially unsuccessful, aspie, NT or otherwise.

But yeah, gays are bastards, online dating sucks for me, and I have no friends. I really love how the people who so strongly profess to be my friend just disappear some time between when classes end and finals begin, and then go off to spend time with their real friends and family. Bastards. Why do they need to lie about being friends.

Blah, random... rant like. I am going to bed. angry.... annoyed.... depressed.... and eager for my upcoming suicide date. hah, yes, irony of words. The first date I will ever have, will be with death.

If you are thinking about suicide , please read that first: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

I read the site. it does not apply to me. I am not doing this impulsively over a short period, but I am carefully planning it over a longer period. That way I can assure my death, without interference, and that all the proper arrangements have been made. The reason I can do this is because things don't change, and there is no hope. Nothing is going to "improve" that will make me not want to die.

LePetitPrince wrote:

As for the bastard gays on online dates .....well, i think that you are experience the same experience of most straight women on dating sites. Most men on dating sites are bastards,psycho and desperate whether they are gays or not.

Why is that?
it's simple , it's because when a guy using online dating that means that he's unable to find dating in real life ,so surely this guy has one of these traits at least:
-Very ugly
-Lacks confidence
-Poor with no car
- Lacks basic social skills ---> that's mainly our problem.
- Psycho/Alcoholic
- Very bastard and jerk personality with no physical beauty to compensate
- Harasser

So based on the 3 last traits you can know that date sites are full of scums, and the ones who lacks the basic social skills are the easiest victims.

These are not all just anonymous people. I am not the only one that uses these sites. I know people who use such sites as well. They don't have any real issues. Like I said, it is not just gays from online dating sites, but gays in general.

LePetitPrince wrote:

Wanna my advice? Quit online dating.

I have tried many things. Online dating was only one such thing. Nothing works. The only common factor is me.

LePetitPrince wrote:

You can't have date in real life? f**k that, embrace singlehood and stop thinking about that , don't turn it to your only goal of life ...

Um, no. I am not going to "embrace singlehood". Now what? That's like the entire premise of your philosophy of life.

LePetitPrince wrote:

seek other goals. Just try to improve yourself and your skills, I know that you have no friends so you can't go out clubbing alone , you can't do activities, I know how girls (and guys) perceive a guy when he's alone in a night club.

Try to find a job or to do some work if you don't already have one,

I am a physics grad student with AS and ADHD. A PhD candidate no less. I have spent time on myself.

LePetitPrince wrote:

,You can do volunteer work to, that's great, you might get friends through a job but It's not guaranteed but at least you would have contacts with human beings but at least you WILL improve your social skills thro work. If it happens to find a girl there , that would be great. If not , then fine and focus on the other goals.

Been there, done that. I love how you are speaking to me like an inexperienced child. You probably think I am 14 or something. Other people have said they thought so on here. I am 28. I have tried all that and more.

LePetitPrince wrote:

In my case, my work IS mainly my social life and my social life IS mainly my work. Without work, I have barely zero social life ...a proof for that is that I very rarely go out on Fridays and Saturdays nights. Without work, I would go insane certainly would go suicidal. So see, I am not better than you , the only difference that I found something that brings stability to my mind and it was my work, you should do the same.

That's great. I am sure that is a healthy lifestyle that I should use as an example of something to aspire to. It is not about who is better than whom. Give it some time. You will find yourself where I am soon enough...

Adakain
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19 Dec 2008, 6:05 am

i think i've set my standards so high and been rejected so many times i'm turning gay now

i am thinking about emailing this girl and telling her about it and why i need her now more than ever

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