A question for all you nice guys

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I am a Bad boy, date me babe.


Ummm....after second thought ...forget it.

Yeah, right.

Got your leather jacket and everything?

Natural,

As a "nice guy" who has done some shi**y things romantically, I'll comment -- I hope this doesn't end up too self-serving, or justifying the bad stuff I did, because while it reflects my mindset, it in no way means I think it was right.

Some of us have found that when we were nice, we were either ignored by women, or used by those who didn't ignore us, without really getting anything in return (affection, sex, love, etc.)

Smart humans (and other mammals) tend to learn by example or experience, so in this case, some of us learned it was a "screw or get screwed" world, and became more opportunistic and less sensitive to the morality of our actions, since others seemed to not care when it was their turn at bat. This meant that sometimes, when something or someone came along that we wanted, we went for it, regardless of our current commitments. Sometimes we tried to justify it by saying that the person we offended against did something to deserve it, even though they probably didn't. And we did crummy things to cover up for it, unless we did finally just come clean and admit to the person that we cheated on them.

Mainly, I think nice guys who have lost out a lot earlier in their lives get very angry and frustrated about not getting the things we want, while it seems to come so easy for some guys and all women. A lot of other things in life are fairly easy or manageable to deal with (school, work, life skills, physical fitness, creativity) but the one thing we as animals are programmed for, reproduction, is for some reason especially frustrating to those of us in the "civilized world." We're fed a lot of stuff from Hollywood and the media about how our life should be at X moment in time, not realizing how unrealistic it might be. So we get mad, we get dysfunctional, we get neurotic, and issues simmer.

And then something cuts loose, and we cheat on our wife/GF/date. Try not to take it too personally. It's not you, it's us -- we're a bit broken, we didn't develop right. And it doesn't mean we don't still love you, but maybe this person we cheated on you with represents something especially significant, not even as a person, but some kind of symbol of personal achievement. We might even be partially healed after we go through this event, but of course, that's ignoring the damage it might have done to you.

That's the one downside to "nice guys" -- sometimes we sabotage the best things going for us. I should know, I've done it twice, and somehow still come out ok in the end, mainly because my wife is forgiving, and we know we're still the best thing for each other.

Deep down, LePetitPrince is a Nice Guy; ergo, he plans wine-and-dine you to later cheat on you. In other words (to quote Slashdot), "it's a trap!"

God, I hate Slashdot...
It's like a wimpy geeky version of /b/.

Also analyzing my situation through science really doesn't help. Best thing I can do is find someone better. Difficult at this point though, my guy friends are either taken or such basement-dwellers that I think dating them might be more boring than staying home by myself on Friday nights.

/b/ is a forum for known trolls. Slashdot is a tech/IT news site. If you're on there looking for anything else, you're going to be sadly disappointed.

/b/ is funny and disgusting. I don't post there though. The whole TGTFU thing kinda pisses me off a little.

I'm sorry to hear you've been cheated on, I know that must really suck and you must feel used and betrayed.

Let me clarify this for you- "nice guy" is a term used to distinguish guys that are typically social shy and naive from guys that show a lot more confidence and other alpha male like traits (alpha males are so stupid, if they put their ego aside, they wouldn't be the jackasses they often are). "Nice guys" are very shy around girls and others socially, and thus they are overlooked, and they often complain it. How do I know? I am a "nice guy".

Niceness and shyness is not indicative of honor and morality. Don't forget that ALL guys are after love and romance, the more fetching the catch, the more satisfied they will be. Just because a guy is a "nice guy" it doesn't mean he won't cheat if he finds someone he thinks is more physically attractive. The honorable thing to do would be to stay with you or to talk about his feelings so you could work it out together. But guys are sexually motivated creatures, my friend, and they might just bypass negotiations with you if they know it will be tedious and unpleasent. Easier to sever things smoothly and go about like nothing occured.

Honor and kindness are seperate entities. A guy might be pleasent and kind to people, but he can also be honorless and ruthless. Of course, I'm one of the few "nice guys" who truly understands the meaning of honor and the importance of love. Being single 22 years with hardly any female peer contact (or no romantic contact), and you'll learn to GREATLY appreciate love if you can find it.

I'm a VERY stereotypical nice guy, trust me. And my answer is simply this: just because he did it doesn't mean every 'nice guy' will. He's apparently what we could call an 'as*hole' and also a 'liar', effectively eliminating him from the nice guy category anyways...

I have been labeled a nice guy. Unfortunately, sometimes letting the other person meet their needs first, as well as deferring to the needs of others as a policy, can be very lonely and frustrating. But, I still trudge along my nice guy path and watch in quiet sadness as others pursue and acquire what they want. Taken to this extreme, nice guys will always finish last, unless some beautiful goddess validates the nice guy thing with her time and attention. 45 years later, still no goddess.

That really sucks...well, here's what I think.

Nice =/= moral.

Nice can sometimes mean, "Nice to too many people," or "Nice in the wrong way."

To some "nice" people, it seems kinder to not tell someone a terrible truth, even if they should know, because they know it will cause the person pain to know it. "Ignorance is bliss," they think, so they don't tell, thinking they can get away with the other person not knowing. It's not always secretive or malicious so much as just...not wanting the other person to feel bad. Sometimes this works for two people: you get involved in some affair or cheating-relationship, maybe even by accident, and you don't want to tell the person you're cheating with that this has to stop because you don't want them to feel bad. The moral thing is often not the kind thing, because the moral thing all-too-often involves making feel bad in the short run so that both can benefit in the long run--which doesn't seem so appealing in the moment. It can seem more moral, more right, to just not have to see the other person cry.

Of course some people just pretend to be nice to get what they want, too. Bastards.

Some people just dont know where the line goes, some people take "quality over quintety" or hoeever it is spelt and i know it dosnt fit in right into this case, but something like that.

Just cause a person is a nerd, or anything dosnt mean they whont act like bastards. You were obviously not "good enough" for him anymore, and he went for someone else.
He should really know where his place is in the world, if a person is a nerd, and hardly ever has a gf, or friends, then really, acting like a bastard is the worst thing they can do.

So i guess this tells one thing, dont judge a book by it's cover

This whole saga is pretty sad, I can say the same thing about women as well, its not just guys its all people. We as aspies are more vunerable to being lied to and its happened to me on numerous occations by women.

...and I got my sunglasses







......and horns too

I think it is easy to say "well he is not a nice guy then" so I won't bother.

So you have two options:

1. "Chalk it Up"


2. Analyse it to the nth degree.


The later is risky because you could end up a nervous wreck for your efforts. However some good may come out of it if you manage how to figure out how not to repeat the same 'mistake'.

What actually made you think this one is a 'nice guy' when you first met him? What was your evidence? You said he was charming, but charm is a skill not on its own evidence of someone's integrity.

What is it that you like to hear/constitutes “sweet talk”? Could you be make your self more susceptible.

Is it possible that he changed later?

There are no "nice guys" or "nice girls". Everyone is imperfect. Everyone has problems. Everyone hurts other people, including people they don't want to hurt, from time to time.

Instead of classifying people as "nice" or "not nice", ask yourself, "How do this person's patterns of behavior affect me?"

Use your answer(s) to decide how much time you wish to spend around the individual, and in what situations. I'd like to hazard a guess that most people are more pleasant to interact with in some situations than in others.